Prayers Please

Okay prayer warriors, I need you.

A colleague of Mr JB's passed away from cancer this afternoon. She went into hospice care Friday and we knew that she was at the end, but it is still a shock.

She was diagnosed when she was on maternity leave three years ago. Her son will not have memories of his mother not sick. Her daughter is only five.

She had a large, faithful family and she had the support of her parish and her school community. There are many sad hearts mourning her loss.

Please pray for the repose of Danielle's soul. I cannot imagine how her husband and children are going to get through this.

St. Peregrine pray for Danielle. St Joseph pray for Danielle.

More bitter than sweet

It's my birthday eve.

I am staring down 36 and I'm not very happy about it. I didn't even organize a birthday party for myself (although we are going out to dinner tomorrow and Saturday night). For the first time since I got my chocolate fountain, it is staying in the box in the basement.

A large part of me wanted to ignore that yet another year was passing. Another year that my womb was still empty. Another year that my eggs were aging.

When we got married I never imagined that I would hit 36 and still be childless. Heck, I thought that I would be working on my third kid if my reproductive organs cooperated!

Oh my, how wrong was I?

It also doesn't help that tomorrow is also the twenty-first anniversary of Mr. JB's mom's death. I definitely don't think that those two dates coinciding are a coincidence in any way shape or form. More than one person has commented about the two dates intersecting. Did my mother-in-law have something to do with bringing me into Mr. JB's life? I definitely believe it to be so.

So I need to put my big girl panties on tomorrow and smile through my sadness. One of my students was away for her birthday earlier in the month and her parents are bringing in pizza for lunch for the class. I asked the kids if they wanted me to bring dessert and one of them said, "Madame JellyBelly bring in fruit!" I couldn't say no to that. I just spent $50 on two fruit trays, apple juice and Smar.tfood popcorn for my at school birthday party.

I know that once I see their little smiling faces that my sadness will be forgotten, or at least put away until I get home. They have been counting down all week and I know that they are more excited that I am about my birthday. They all think I'm turning 23! Gotta love little kids.

Oh please Lord, let this year be the year. I don't want to turn 37 with empty arms and an empty womb.

p.s. Thank you for all of your comments on my last post. I will be re-visiting the issue of my half-siblings and I will answer all of your questions. It's a lot for me to wrap my head around and I've been dealing with all of this hidden drama for most of my life! 

Secrets

I've been toying about writing about some pretty big family secrets for quite a while now, but I finally feel ready to share.

My parents, particularly my mother, are very secretive. From a very young age I knew that my parents weren't the typical parents. They were loving enough, in their own way, but I figured out that they were strange. As a teenager I started to do some snooping around in my parents' room. I knew that they weren't coming 100% clean with me and I was just tired about it.

From a very young age I knew that I had an older half brother. My dad was married before he was married to my mother and his first wife died when his son was quite young. I had put together pieces of the story with the help of an older cousin and while we were at a family wedding she filled me in on the entire story. Apparently my dad fell in love with her family's nanny and they had to get married (if you know what I mean). His first wife fell ill when my brother was quite young and she passed away.

My dad immigrated to Canada to get over his broken heart and soon after met my mom and the rest was history.

I remember my dad telling me about my brother and that one day he would come to Canada to live with us. When I started kindergarten I would draw pictures of a family of four and my mom would tell my teacher that my brother was just in my imagination. One day after my bath, I think I was about four or five, I was blabbering on about my brother and my mom snapped at me, "He's not really your brother, he's adopted."

I learned from a young age that I wasn't allowed to talk to my mom about my brother. I didn't quite understand why, but I just knew at a young age that the topic was off limits.

I don't know why my brother never came to Canada. He was definitely young enough to be sponsored by my parents, but for some reason he stayed in the Philippines with my paternal grandmother. I've met him twice and both times I did not feel any warm fuzzy feelings from him. I know that he's incredibly jealous of the life I get to live here in Canada while he's the hidden child. The last time my parents visited family in the homeland there were photos of both my parents with my brother and his family and they were all smiling, but who knows.

Then comes my secret sister.

Oh yes, my dad isn't the only one with secrets.

My mother also has another daughter, but the details are a little more fuzzy. My mother has never come clean that I have another sibling, nor does she even acknowledge the fact that I am not her only child, but my dad does when we're not around my mom. My cousins on my mom's side and my mother's siblings even refer to my sister in conversation. They all seem to think that I have full knowledge of how this sister came about, but I really don't.

While I was doing my detective work as a teenager I discovered pictures and letters, particularly around the time when my sister had her first child. The photos were addressed to my mom as the grandmother. But that's all my digging got me.

Today I went over to my parents' house because my dad was going to help me change my burnt out headlight. When we were on our way to the store to get the parts my dad told me that he was building a house for my sister and that my brother's house was almost finished. My parents are also building a house for themselves! I made a crack to my dad that he must be glad that he doesn't have to worry about building a house for me since I have a good job. He thought that was funny, but he did say that if we needed help that he would be there for us. It was strange that the conversation was so nonchalant! It
was like we always talk about my siblings in regular conversation!

As I was driving home I was retelling the conversation to Mr. JB and we were trying to figure out the circumstances of my sister's birth. We figure that my mother was married and her first husband must've passed away (my mother swears that divorce doesn't exist in the Philippines, and I know that she would not have had a child out of wedlock, not in the late 60's/early 70's!). Perhaps both my parents came to Canada to help heal their broken hearts. They were married in the church after all, so it would make sense that they were both widows.

I know that I will never know the complete truth from my mother. She has spent my entire life lying to me -- don't worry, I've gone to therapy, I've sorted through these issues at length -- and I know that BIG part of her craziness is that she has to keep up living this way.

So where am I going with this? I have no idea. I so wish that I could ask and find out the complete truth, but I think that it would destroy my mother.

Perhaps if Mr. JB and I ever visit the Philippines, I will hear the entire truth. Maybe it will take actually asking my sister who the heck her father is to find out. I don't know. She's wanted to be my friend on Face.book and I've ignored her request. It's just too much for my brain. I don't want to pretend that it's all hunky dory over here!

Please pray for my crazy parents. They seem to need it.

p.s. I think it's funny that today of all days that O.prah introduced her half-sister to the world today. Mr. JB even said, you could be on that show JellyBelly! Ha ha!

What a difference a day makes....

Thank God for a new day.

Not only am I completely embarrassed that at almost 36 I had to nurse a wicked hangover, I also neglected so many things around my house because of my state yesterday. I was lucky to wake up, full of energy and I did so much to make up for it.


So here's what I did:

1) Weatherstripped the windows (my not so handy hubs said he would do it in November and I was sick and tired of waiting so I just did it). It was remarkably easy and I wish that I did it earlier. I didn't realize how drafty our windows were!

2) I finished my report cards. All I had to do was enter marks and comments for the Social Studies unit that I finished on Friday, so it was a quick job. I have to print them out and proofread them before I hand them in to the principal. I am so relieved.

3) I finished the laundry and did some hand washing. I hate washing things by hand, but I seem to own way too many delicate pieces of clothing!

4) I purged and tidied up my bathroom vanity. I also packed up large bag of toiletries that I put on Free.cycle.

5) I packed up and listed a whole bunch of stuff on Free.cycle. I had clothes, shoes, bags and hangers that I wanted to give away. Most of the stuff is already spoken for so I am so glad to free my house of more clutter!

6) I went to yoga. A Sunday evening must.

I still have a ton of paperwork to tackle in preparation of tax season. I offered to do my parents' taxes as well since it isn't that difficult. All I have to do is buy a $20 computer program and I can do four sets of returns. They've been paying their accountant way too much money to do them and I know that their return won't be difficult.

It's CD4 and I am so glad that I don't have to take F.emara anymore! It made my cramps worse and it seems like my hormones are better off of it -- does that make sense? I've been doing a lot of thinking about adoption and our TTC journey lately. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now and I need to make some decisions. The biggest thing that has been on my mind is the question of international vs. public domestic adoption (particularly through the Ch.ildren's A.id Soci.ety). I've been praying a lot lately since this discernment is not going to be easy.

Could I request some prayers please?

p.s. I am so glad that the S.teelers are going to the S.uperbowl. Mr. JB is a HUGE fan and if they lost he would've been unbearable! I really don't like NFL football, but I love my husband so I have to show my support! :)

Ouch

Mr. JB and I went to a wedding last night and I may have overindulged.

It was a cocktail reception and there weren't many JellyBelly-friendly things that I could eat. The most substantial menu items were pasta so I tried to fill up on salad and fancy cold cuts. Thank God we had cheese and crackers before we left.

I had a rough week. Heck January has not exactly been an easy month. So it doesn't surprise me that when the open bar tempted me, that I took advantage.

It has been so long since I have felt like this. I had all of these lofty ideas of what I was going to do around my disorganized house. Instead I am going to eat plain popcorn and lie around.

The one thought I had as we were leaving the reception was, "I'm glad that AF is here so I could drink at the wedding!" I wasn't even being sarcastic.

I'm going to crawl into a hole until I feel better.

[sigh]

Can't an infertile girl catch a break????

We had our annual general meeting for our condo (we live in a condo townhouse) this evening. I have been president of the board of directors basically since moving in and it is the most thankless job I have ever had. We have one board member who is the most annoying human being EVER. I have spent the past two years managing her horrendous behaviour and I decided that this is my last year on the board.

I had promised myself that when I got knocked up that I would quit. I've been on the board since April 2005 and I think that I have to re-think that. My term is up at the end of this year and there is no way that I am going to volunteer to do it again. I hoped and hoped that I would have an excuse, ("No sorry, I can't be part of the board, I have a baby!"), but I need to take myself out of stressful situations.

I just wish that my term was up. NOW.

It also doesn't help that it's Peak +13 today and I'm certain that AF is on her way (she's come every other month, why stop now?). I'm tired, grumpy and definitely PMSing.

Am I ever in need of prayers right now.

Being done my report cards (well, I have to proofread, but that isn't a big deal) doesn't even lift my spirits.

Crankbox JellyBelly

Yet another list of why I am the grumpiest infertile in Southern Ontario:


1) I know that a BIG part of my grumpiness is report card stress. They really aren't that difficult to do, but I HATE doing them. I hate it that I'm crusty to my class because I'm stressed and I hate even more that I spend so much time on the computer doing the darned things! Argh!

2) It also doesn't help that my house is a DISASTER!!! Mr. JB promised that he would put all the decorations under the stairs in the basement, but he's been busy (well, more like busy procrastinating, but he did make a delicious dinner tonight!) as well with reports. As I sit at my desk I feel like I'm being overrun with paperwork! When these reports are done I am filling a box of old bills and recycling and I am heading over to my fertile bf's house to burn it in her fireplace!!!

3) It's raining. I really hope that the promised freezing rain doesn't come in the morning. I don't mind driving in the snow, but freezing rain is never fun. I also hate it that so much of the snow has melted. It's so dreary when everything is gray.

4) My class has been a bit crazy the past couple of days. I had one kid away on an extended vacation and since his return the balance in my class has been off. I even had the VP talk to him and he doesn't seem to care. I know that my patience is worn thin because of reports, but this kid just doesn't care! Argh!

5) My hairdresser was let go on Saturday after my hair cut. I was in a bit of a panic since he wasn't sure where he was going to continuing cutting hair (for those of you that don't know, I drive an hour to get my hair cut, he's so great and I trust him implicitly). I was glad that we decided that I was going to grow my hair out so at least I didn't have to see him sooner. I got a F.acebook message from him today telling me that he has found a new salon that is slightly closer (well about ten minutes, but it's something). Okay, I'm really happy about the new salon, but I was really concerned about having to find someone new to cut my hair!

6) The repairs from Mr. JB's accident cost $9000!!! There was no way that we could've afforded to cover that out of pocket! I haven't looked at the itemized bill, but I had no idea that it would cost that much! I hope and pray that our insurance doesn't skyrocket!

7) Mr. JB and I had a huge fight last night about his dad smoking cigars (yes, the one who had the collapsed lung). He told me that his dad wanted to smoke the last cigar that he gave him for Christmas and I lost my mind. I couldn't believe that someone that had just spent three days in a hospital getting his lung re-inflated would even consider smoking anything ever again! Then Mr. JB (who promised to stop smoking cigars after his dad's episode) said that he wanted to smoke cigars on his guys weekend in July. I LOST MY MIND. I told him that in no uncertain terms that cigar smoking is now banned in this house. If his brother wants to smoke cigars here in the summer he has to go to the park down the street. I'm so done with these ridiculous bad habits!!! 

Well, I do have a couple of good things that I keep on forgetting to post about:

1) I have 20/20 vision! I saw the optometrist last week and I can see perfectly! He doesn't foresee any problems, but he did say that if I notice any changes that I must contact him right away. It is truly a miracle that I can see perfectly without glasses!!!

2) While talking to Dr. Nora last week she mentioned that surgery in PA with Dr. S would be much cheaper than surgery with Dr. H. It would cost us $12 000 if our provincial health care doesn't cover it with Dr. H and only $5000 with Dr. S. Now that's a HUGE difference! I'm going to wait and see what our provincial health care says before I start to make plans, but going to PA is much more convenient. We could drive there which would save so much money AND I may have had an offer from one of my favourite IF bloggers to stay at her house! (Don't worry Hebrews, I may still take you up on your offer if we end up your way!).

3) I got half of my laser eye surgery refund from our insurance. I almost had a heart attack because I thought that they weren't going to process my claim through Mr. JB's insurance as well, but they said that it was going to happen in the next day or so. I hate having $4000 on my credit card and I don't want to pay interest on it!!!


I really hope that tomorrow is a better day. I hate being grumpy!!! It's probably PMS to top it all off...

I hate you Facebook

I've been atomically lapped, twice over.

My friends J and M are expecting their second in June. They met after us, got married a year after us and now will have two children before we even conceive one.

I hate being barren. I would've gladly given up the trip to the mall after school as well as the new yoga clothes for a baby. I'd give up my disposable income and even trips to the spa.

I'm tired of being left behind.

Prayers please! I wish this didn't bother me as much as it does, but it hurts, a lot.

Quick Takes -- the Sunday Edition

1. I had a fantastic visit with Dr. Nora on Friday. Mr. JB and I had the day off to write report cards so he was able to go with me. He said that he was impressed with her and he got the same good vibe that I get from her. She's happy that my hormones are looking better and she wants to see what the results are from my Peak +7 are for the next couple of months to see if our treatment regimen is working -- I hope it is since it is costing me a FORTUNE!

2. I had the worst visit to the lab Friday morning. Even though Dr. T wasn't pressing for the results, I wanted to get the insulin resistance blood work done. I was excited that there was a new lab very close to my house, so I went there instead of the lab close to my school. Big mistake. I waited an hour and a half to get seen and I was late for my appointment with Dr. Nora. To top it off, they dropped one of the fasting samples so I had to go back yesterday morning for another blood draw. I had three blood draws in three days. My arms make me look like a drug addict.

3. I am having a love affair with Mexican food. Mr. JB and I discussed going to a Mediterranean restaurant close to our house, but after getting the phone call from the lab about their accident, I needed something big to cheer me up. We went to our favourite Mexican restaurant and we weren't disappointed. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

4. I decided not to have a birthday party this year, for the first time in a LONG time. We're going to go to the Mexican restaurant mentioned about with my fertile best friend, her husband, an old friend of Joseph's and us. I don't really want to acknowledge turning 36.

5. A couple of yoga girlfriends and I are heading to the spa in February. I really wanted to go and I knew that when I brought up the idea with these girlfriends that at least a couple would be interested. I went with some friends from my old school before school started and I have been planning a return ever since. I can't wait until February 21st.

5. Our house looks so sad now that all the Christmas decorations have been taken down. Our basement hallway is full of boxes of decorations that Mr. JB has to tuck back underneath the stairs.

6. We finally have snow! It's bitterly cold right now, but for two weekends in a row we've gotten a huge dumping of the white stuff. Apparently we have as much snow at this point in the winter than we did all of last year! I love snow so much. I just wish that I drove a bigger car so I felt safer driving in it.

7. I hate writing report cards. I didn't do any work Friday or Saturday, so I spent three hours of my Sunday on the computer. Not fun. I wish that I could teach without having to worry about marks! I did most of the easy subjects and I left the hard stuff for when I'm more in the mood.

I need to go to bed! With my higher dose of H.ydrocort I don't feel the need to take an afternoon nap. I haven't been getting to bed as early as I want to, but I need all my rest if I am going to get everything done this week!

Ma vie est une montagne russe

My life is a roller coaster.

At least that what it feels like since Saturday.

Before I get caught up in my all things IF post, my FIL is home. He was convinced that he was going to go home yesterday, but the admitting doctor insisted that he stay for at least 48 hours. I do have to admit that it was very stressful to drive during a snowstorm not knowing if he was having a heart attack (heart issues run in Mr. JB's family, so it wouldn't have been shocking). I never thought that I would be so happy to hear that someone had a collapsed lung! Thank you for your prayers!

So yesterday Mr. JB and I took the day off because I had a slew of doctor's appointments. My Napro doctor wanted to see the surgeon that did both of my surgeries in the city because she wanted his opinion about how to proceed. Well, the appointment went horribly.

We walked into his office and he asked if we had good news. And of course we said no and explained to him that Dr. T wanted to see if he had any other ideas. He asked if I was still having pain and I said that I had slight pelvic twinges, but nothing like the endo pain that I had pre-surgery. Then he said, "Usually we do the surgery and in a few months..." Well that didn't help at all. Then he said, "Well, the only thing we have to do is super-ovulation and then IVF."

He must've seen the shock in both of our faces. I definitely was taken aback.

I stammered back at him, "Well that isn't an option. We're Catholic and we don't believe in IVF."

We got stunned look back from him (which I find surprising since I had explained to him about our anti-ART stance) and he promptly sent me for an ultrasound across the street.

I obediently got the ultrasound (gotta love the dildo cam on short notice!) and brought the results back to Dr. I. Apparently I have a cyst on my left ovary and what looked like the evidence of ovulation on the other ovary (I was Peak +5 yesterday, so it would make sense). Then he said that he wanted to see me again in two weeks to see if the cysts resolved.

It took all of my strength to leave his office without bursting into tears. I really didn't think that he had a lot more to offer other than another surgery, but I really haven't had any other symptoms to warrant another procedure. I was so furious that I didn't even notice how cold it was while we walked to my favourite Mexican restaurant for lunch.

I am so happy that I booked my appointment with Dr. T on the same day! It was the total opposite of my appointment with Dr. I. She seemed so disappointed that Dr. I brought up IVF, but she did have a very interesting idea.

She thinks that we have a shot at getting surgery in Omaha covered by our provincial health care. She believes that there is still some endo inside of me and she knows that there isn't a doctor that can do the same surgery that Dr. Hil.gers does. All she needs to get is a letter from Dr. I that says that our only option is IVF and then she can make our case to O.HIP (our public health care).

I know that it's a shot in the dark, but Dr. T seemed very hopeful at our chances. I know that we can cobble together the money (well, it would mean that the down payment that we're saving up for our next home is going to get used up) to have the surgery done in the US. I didn't want to have my first surgeries done across the border because I couldn't justify the expense. Dr. T seems convinced that Dr. Hil.gers (or Dr. St.egman, but she doesn't think that we could get approval since he didn't have a recent study published like Dr. H) can help us.

But now we have a conundrum. I'm willing to go to Omaha, but I had earmarked our savings for adoption, not more surgery. Mr. JB and I have talked about our options because there is no way that we could afford surgery AND international adoption. We discussed putting international adoption on hold and filling out the paperwork for public adoption (which has little, if no costs). I do have reservations about doing public adoption since we have very little chance of getting an infant and there is the issue of adopting a child that will look like me.

Mr. JB seems to be leaning towards going the public adoption route so I can get 100% healthy, but I'm not completely sure. I don't know if I want to go through another surgery and recovery. Omaha is SO far away from home! There's no way we could drive there and I have no idea what time of year I could be slotted in.

Regardless, at least we have more options and I'm definitely not ready to throw in the towel. I also know that if we pray hard enough and that if surgery is meant to be then the money will come (or the approval from the government!). I so wish that so many issues to do with IF didn't have to do with money!

One thing that Dr. T said to us yesterday after looking at all of my bloodwork. Last month's cycle was our first viable cycle EVER. My progesterone and estrogen were both good (I have the levels written down, but I'm too tired to get them!) and that's without any ovulation-inducing drugs! So no more Fe.mara

That's easy to say, but it's still a tough pill to swallow (no pun intended).

I'm so glad that I booked a massage to end off my day yesterday. It was stressful and full of too many emotional highs and lows. Dr. T seems to confident that we will conceive and if she believes that, I guess that I have to as well.

p.s. Dr. T agrees that seeing Dr. I again is futile. I'm going to cancel my appointment for the 24th as well as the ultrasound. If he's trying to sell me on IVF he's lost a patient. 

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So it's been three years and 450 blog posts. I started my blog is utter desperation on January 7, 2008 (which seems like a lifetime ago). I thank the Lord for all of your friendship and support over the past three years. If it wasn't for your comments and friendship, I wouldn't have been able to make it through this ridiculously long journey towards our baby.

Love and kisses to you all!

Please pray * Updated

My father-in-law was just taken to hospital via ambulance. He was using his snowblower to remove the snow on his driveway. He started to have chest pains and experience shortness of breath.

We're on our way to see him right now, but it will take an hour to get there.

Please say a prayer for him and for us. The roads haven't all been cleared and the rental from the accident isn't the best!

2011 you suck.

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Update: So my FIL has a collapsed right lung. The doctors tried to coax it into re-inflating (I left the room 'cos I'm squeamish around anything that has to do with blood), but it didn't. The doctors put a tube into his ribcage and now he has to stay in the hospital for 48 to 72 hours.

I'm so relieved.

The drive down to see him was horrible. It seemed like we drove into every snowstorm possible. Lucky for us when we got off the highway the snow stopped and we had clear skies right to the hospital.

I'm back at my FIL's house because I was starving and there was no fast food that I could eat close to the hospital (it's just after 7pm and I haven't eaten anything since 10am). Mr. JB headed back to see if they were finally going to get my FIL into a room.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I was trying really hard to hold it together for Mr. JB's sake. My husband was so calm because he figured that it was his lung again. 

Btw, yesterday was my bloggoversary. We went out to dinner at my favourite raw restaurant, but I was too tired to post when we got home. I can't believe that I've been blogging since 2008! I promise a more reflective post when I get something in my belly!

Reflecting...

The biggest thing that set me off when I read my BIL's e-mails was his accusation that I preferred to seek the counsel of "strangers on the internet" rather than my family members (namely him and my father-in-law). In light of the awesome article on the Catholic IF blogging community, I am absolutely agog at his opinion.

I have been so lucky to have met so many friends in real life and on the internet because of the blogs. If it wasn't for my blog I would not found Napro (or at least it would've taken me a much longer time). I remember the utter solitude that I felt before I started my little piece of the internet. I also remember the tears of joy when I found All You Who Hope's blog, and thus meeting so many other faithful Catholic women who are walking the same path that I am.

I am also very lucky to have found a support group of women very close by, but they are all (or have) pursued ART. Although I appreciate the love and support that they give me, I am in a very different situation because of my faith. I do look forward to our meetings and I always feel so much lighter afterwards, but it is my Catholic sisterhood that keeps me grounded through this unbearably long journey.

I felt so protective of all of you when my BIL dismissed the importance of your friendship. I know that there has been many a time when one little comment on a blog post has brought me back from the edge -- and there have been many of those times, and I'm sure that there will be instances in the future. Just knowing that I can text TCIE or Sew in a panic, is a balm to my broken soul.

I know that anything less than an apology from my BIL is going to change our relationship forever. I don't know if he is prepared for that. I have been lucky, up to this point, to have a good relationship with my in-laws. During our post-dinner walk I talked to Mr. JB about what may happen if he doesn't apologize. I would like to hope that my honesty last night is going to provoke some more contemplation and less accusation on his part, but I don't know. Just because is he is a Jesuit priest doesn't mean that he is the most objective (obviously!).

It is plain for me to see is that he just doesn't get me. For example he called my love of shopping a crutch. Umm, I'm a WOMAN that loves to shop. Is that so odd? Btw, their mother was a champion shopper when she was alive and my mother is an expert shopper as well. Really the only person that I know that doesn't like to shop is my fertile bf, but that's because she doesn't have the time with all her kids!

Speaking of my fertile bf, I spoke to her about the situation and she was flabbergasted at his accusation of the "cone of silence." I know that she's my best friend (which means that she is automatically on my side), but she also knows that I am (and most women) not going to walk into a room and immediately strike up a conversation about my barren uterus. Like come on!

Her take on the situation is that the my FIL, BIL and even to some point Mr. JB, were bachelors for so long and my appearance on the scene has upset the balance. My BIL lost his mother when he was only 14 and he has not had a woman in his father's house (or even his brother's life, I'm the longest relationship that Mr. JB has ever had) and I've brought a different perspective into the family. I admit that I may be a little "out there", but it's nothing so crazy that I can't be related to.

The one thing that I am is not a "yes man." If I'm bothered by something I want to fix it, that's how Mr. JB and I conduct our marriage.  My BIL said that Mr. JB gives into me and just agrees to appease me (which is totally not the truth), we have plenty of disagreements that we hash out in private. Regardless, it's none of his business if my husband wants to agree with me!

I ask all of you to pray for some sort of happy resolution to this situation. I would like to believe that we will all be okay after this, but part of me isn't so optimistic. I don't want to have to make Mr. JB choose between his brother and myself, but it seems like this is what he's pushing him to do. Like I said in my message last night, I have tried to be the best wife possible for my husband (and my fertile bf said that he's the happiest guy that she knows, "Most men would love to have Mr. JB's life!" she exclaimed on the phone). It seems like my BIL wants to stir something up in order to mask something that he doesn't want to deal with in his own life. I would love to know what that issue is because I would love to help him with it.

Yes, JellyBelly is a fixer. I would like so badly to be angry, but the bleeding heart in me wants to fix him too.

Argh.

Retaliation

So friends, I decided to take the bull by the horns and I wrote to my BIL this evening. Mr. JB let me read some of the e-mails that my BIL wrote and when I was finished I was crying angry tears (I hate that, I wish that I could just be angry, but I'm wired to cry when I'm upset).

Below is my response, please let me know what you think.

Btw, he made quite the dig at my blog friends. He said something to the effect that I prefer to talk to strangers on the internet than family about our IF. He obviously doesn't get what the IF community is like! 

p.s. If you missed what started all of this hullabaloo go back to this post. 

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BIL,

Although Mr. JB and I decided early in our relationship that we would deal with our respective families, I cannot but get involved in the current discussion that you two are having.

Firstly, I am sorry that we didn't send you a Christmas card. It was an oversight on my part as well. I was trying feverishly to get everything prepared for Christmas before my laser eye surgery that I just plain forgot. Not a great excuse, but the truth nonetheless.

As for the current discussion that you are having with Mr. JB I cannot help but feel attacked. From the very first message that you sent to Mr. JB before the new year, I can see that I am at the root of many of the criticisms that you have. I realize that Mr. JB has defended me in all the ways that he can, but I feel like I need to take up my own cause.

I know that Mr. JB has said that there is nothing to worry about in regards to our marriage which is the God's honest truth. Your concerns about the "cone of silence" that I have placed around my infertility is something that I find quite upsetting.

For an infertile woman I live, breathe, dream and write about it on a constant basis. I have a wonderful support structure that I have found -- in person and on the internet -- that has gotten me through the past five years of my life. What it boils down to is that I don't talk about it with a lot of people because I don't want to. Sometimes I would like to pretend that my life is normal -- I know that may not be the healthiest way to lead my life, but after years of therapy, I know how to navigate through my sadness and this is the way that I choose to do it. I am sorry that it offends you that I cannot strike up a conversation about it or even mention in conversation how difficult it is, but I do not want my infertility to be the ONLY THING that people talk about. I don't want pity, that is the last thing that I want, but I don't want to be the topic of conversation either. I do belong to a support group in Toronto that meets on a regular basis and I have thought about seeing a therapist again, but I don't feel like I am in that sort of need. I have been depressed, I have been on anti-depressants. I can identify whether or not I need to seek professional help and I will not hesitate to do so if need be.

I don't believe that I have ever stopped you from asking me questions or bringing up the topic, but I know that I don't bring it up in regular conversation. I would never walk into a room and introduce myself as "infertile JellyBelly" nor would anyone expect me to. This may make me a weak person on the inside, but this is who I am. I have never pretended to be anyone else besides the person that I present myself to be. I am definitely not that good of an actress.

I wish that if you had these concerns BIL that you would have brought them up when you were home. I know that I had a ridiculously busy summer, but so many of these issues should have been dealt with before you left for Rome. The last thing I thought I would ever be is angry with you, which I am at this point.

I have tried my best to be the best wife possible for your brother and it hurts me to my very core that you would think otherwise. Unfortunately, this is who I am and how I choose to lead my existence and despite the hardships that we have faced as a couple, we lead a very happy life.

I don't want to open up a long debate with you, but I think that you need look at what is going on in your life before you assume what is going on in ours.

JellyBelly

This is not how I wanted to start 2011...

I really wanted a nice peaceful New Year, but alas, the Lord has different plans for me.

So last night I was dealing with my own family drama. I was texting and e-mailing my cousins to get the full story since my mother doesn't want to tell me anything. She pretends to be in the dark, but after discussing, at length with my cousin V (the one who spoke to my younger cousin NR, who by the way is not sexually active. Thank the Lord for that! Apparently a "friend" added the offending item to her list on her i.Touch and she hasn't even been kissed.) to get the lowdown. 

What it boils down to is money issues. Two of my mother's sisters lent money to a cousin in the homeland and my uncle (who is married to one of the aunts that lent the money) wants to see a bigger return for the loan. The cousin that the money was lent to has started up a business that has taken off and it seems like my uncle is getting greedy. There's also the issue of one of my unmarried aunts who is not being treated very well by another aunt and uncle. It's a mess and my mom and dad are caught in the middle because they have lent money to family members too. To make a long and confusing story short, my family is feuding and it makes me sad. My mom always tries to protect me from the drama which is all in good, but I'm an adult and I shouldn't have to go to my much younger cousins for information! 

This morning I told Mr. JB that I wanted to address his brother's concern regarding our marriage. I was already riled up because of my family and I just wanted to get my side of the story heard. In my opinion I am being blamed for all of the issues. My BIL's issue with my making all of the decisions and Mr. JB doing all of the work is so off base so I wanted to let him know my side. What I didn't know is that Mr. JB has already e-mailed his brother to tell him that he is wrong. Mr. JB did mention our IF issues to him (since he omitted them from his first e-mail) and my BIL accused us of putting ourselves in a cone of silence.

WTF????

I don't have a cone of silence! I have a freaking blog! 

So what if I don't talk to a celibate priest about my IF issues. So what if I don't bring it up at the dinner table. It's my issue and I don't think that I need to talk about it all the time. 

Mr. JB and I have an open dialogue about IF. I have friends that I talk to, IRL and on the internet. 

So girls, I'm seething. What do you think I should do? Should I e-mail him myself or let this one go? 

If not, I'm heading to Italy on the first plane to punch him out!!! 

Dear 2011

Dear 2011,

Hi! It's really nice to meet you and I am really looking forward to getting to know you better.

2010 was an interesting year. When I think back it was a year of spinning my wheels. Nothing really happened and all I did was wait more, not something I really wanted to do. My body has healed nicely from the surgery that I had in 2009 and I was ready to move forward. Unfortunately, it was more of the same in IF-land.


It wasn't until November when things got a little interesting. I started to see Dr. Nora and I have been feeling so good since starting my new treatment regimen. It is a bit of a pain to have to drive to the city to see her, but I feel like I'm back to the pre-surgery me. I just wish that all of the supplements didn't cost so darned much!

The end of December was great. Not only did we have a couple weeks of vacation, but now I have new perfectly seeing eyes! I think that there will be many new sunglass adventures in my future! Although the recovery was a lot more painful than I had anticipated, it definitely was worth it. AND I got caught up on my sleep while letting my eyes heal. A win-win situation in my opinion.

So 2011, part of me is excited and the other is cautious. I would really like to be a mom this year (well, I've wanted to be a mom since 2005, but come on, this is getting ridiculous!). I have to swallow my fears and I have to push forward into the world of adoption. A baby from overseas is not going to come to me on its own! I am so scared to start the process because I'm tired of being out of control. Then again, I thought that I was the boss of my body, but we know how that has worked out.

I'm also trying not to think about turning 36 in a few weeks. I honestly thought that I would've been a mom by now. Although I'm not feeling all tired and run down anymore,  I still don't want to be OLD when I become a mother for the first time.

I've also decided that I'm done taking it easy and I am going to get back on the fitness wagon. I know that I have to ease into being fit JellyBelly, but I no longer want to be flabby! Whoever told me that one's metabolism changes after 30 was right! Mr. JB and I are going to do a workout (that I can't recall the name of) that doesn't require equipment and I'm going to step up my yoga schedule. No more easy classes for me! We're planning on going to a resort for March Break and I want to be fit for the beach!

So 2011, please be gentle with me. It's a new decade and a new start. I so want my dreams of a family to come true this year.

Please don't disappoint.

Love,
JellyBelly

p.s. I also promise to clean out the room of shame. That project totally got sidetracked. Now that I'm not suffering from adrenal fatigue I have the energy to finally do it!