Ma vie est une montagne russe

My life is a roller coaster.

At least that what it feels like since Saturday.

Before I get caught up in my all things IF post, my FIL is home. He was convinced that he was going to go home yesterday, but the admitting doctor insisted that he stay for at least 48 hours. I do have to admit that it was very stressful to drive during a snowstorm not knowing if he was having a heart attack (heart issues run in Mr. JB's family, so it wouldn't have been shocking). I never thought that I would be so happy to hear that someone had a collapsed lung! Thank you for your prayers!

So yesterday Mr. JB and I took the day off because I had a slew of doctor's appointments. My Napro doctor wanted to see the surgeon that did both of my surgeries in the city because she wanted his opinion about how to proceed. Well, the appointment went horribly.

We walked into his office and he asked if we had good news. And of course we said no and explained to him that Dr. T wanted to see if he had any other ideas. He asked if I was still having pain and I said that I had slight pelvic twinges, but nothing like the endo pain that I had pre-surgery. Then he said, "Usually we do the surgery and in a few months..." Well that didn't help at all. Then he said, "Well, the only thing we have to do is super-ovulation and then IVF."

He must've seen the shock in both of our faces. I definitely was taken aback.

I stammered back at him, "Well that isn't an option. We're Catholic and we don't believe in IVF."

We got stunned look back from him (which I find surprising since I had explained to him about our anti-ART stance) and he promptly sent me for an ultrasound across the street.

I obediently got the ultrasound (gotta love the dildo cam on short notice!) and brought the results back to Dr. I. Apparently I have a cyst on my left ovary and what looked like the evidence of ovulation on the other ovary (I was Peak +5 yesterday, so it would make sense). Then he said that he wanted to see me again in two weeks to see if the cysts resolved.

It took all of my strength to leave his office without bursting into tears. I really didn't think that he had a lot more to offer other than another surgery, but I really haven't had any other symptoms to warrant another procedure. I was so furious that I didn't even notice how cold it was while we walked to my favourite Mexican restaurant for lunch.

I am so happy that I booked my appointment with Dr. T on the same day! It was the total opposite of my appointment with Dr. I. She seemed so disappointed that Dr. I brought up IVF, but she did have a very interesting idea.

She thinks that we have a shot at getting surgery in Omaha covered by our provincial health care. She believes that there is still some endo inside of me and she knows that there isn't a doctor that can do the same surgery that Dr. Hil.gers does. All she needs to get is a letter from Dr. I that says that our only option is IVF and then she can make our case to O.HIP (our public health care).

I know that it's a shot in the dark, but Dr. T seemed very hopeful at our chances. I know that we can cobble together the money (well, it would mean that the down payment that we're saving up for our next home is going to get used up) to have the surgery done in the US. I didn't want to have my first surgeries done across the border because I couldn't justify the expense. Dr. T seems convinced that Dr. Hil.gers (or Dr. St.egman, but she doesn't think that we could get approval since he didn't have a recent study published like Dr. H) can help us.

But now we have a conundrum. I'm willing to go to Omaha, but I had earmarked our savings for adoption, not more surgery. Mr. JB and I have talked about our options because there is no way that we could afford surgery AND international adoption. We discussed putting international adoption on hold and filling out the paperwork for public adoption (which has little, if no costs). I do have reservations about doing public adoption since we have very little chance of getting an infant and there is the issue of adopting a child that will look like me.

Mr. JB seems to be leaning towards going the public adoption route so I can get 100% healthy, but I'm not completely sure. I don't know if I want to go through another surgery and recovery. Omaha is SO far away from home! There's no way we could drive there and I have no idea what time of year I could be slotted in.

Regardless, at least we have more options and I'm definitely not ready to throw in the towel. I also know that if we pray hard enough and that if surgery is meant to be then the money will come (or the approval from the government!). I so wish that so many issues to do with IF didn't have to do with money!

One thing that Dr. T said to us yesterday after looking at all of my bloodwork. Last month's cycle was our first viable cycle EVER. My progesterone and estrogen were both good (I have the levels written down, but I'm too tired to get them!) and that's without any ovulation-inducing drugs! So no more Fe.mara

That's easy to say, but it's still a tough pill to swallow (no pun intended).

I'm so glad that I booked a massage to end off my day yesterday. It was stressful and full of too many emotional highs and lows. Dr. T seems to confident that we will conceive and if she believes that, I guess that I have to as well.

p.s. Dr. T agrees that seeing Dr. I again is futile. I'm going to cancel my appointment for the 24th as well as the ultrasound. If he's trying to sell me on IVF he's lost a patient. 

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So it's been three years and 450 blog posts. I started my blog is utter desperation on January 7, 2008 (which seems like a lifetime ago). I thank the Lord for all of your friendship and support over the past three years. If it wasn't for your comments and friendship, I wouldn't have been able to make it through this ridiculously long journey towards our baby.

Love and kisses to you all!