It's my birthday eve.
I am staring down 36 and I'm not very happy about it. I didn't even organize a birthday party for myself (although we are going out to dinner tomorrow and Saturday night). For the first time since I got my chocolate fountain, it is staying in the box in the basement.
A large part of me wanted to ignore that yet another year was passing. Another year that my womb was still empty. Another year that my eggs were aging.
When we got married I never imagined that I would hit 36 and still be childless. Heck, I thought that I would be working on my third kid if my reproductive organs cooperated!
Oh my, how wrong was I?
It also doesn't help that tomorrow is also the twenty-first anniversary of Mr. JB's mom's death. I definitely don't think that those two dates coinciding are a coincidence in any way shape or form. More than one person has commented about the two dates intersecting. Did my mother-in-law have something to do with bringing me into Mr. JB's life? I definitely believe it to be so.
So I need to put my big girl panties on tomorrow and smile through my sadness. One of my students was away for her birthday earlier in the month and her parents are bringing in pizza for lunch for the class. I asked the kids if they wanted me to bring dessert and one of them said, "Madame JellyBelly bring in fruit!" I couldn't say no to that. I just spent $50 on two fruit trays, apple juice and Smar.tfood popcorn for my at school birthday party.
I know that once I see their little smiling faces that my sadness will be forgotten, or at least put away until I get home. They have been counting down all week and I know that they are more excited that I am about my birthday. They all think I'm turning 23! Gotta love little kids.
Oh please Lord, let this year be the year. I don't want to turn 37 with empty arms and an empty womb.
p.s. Thank you for all of your comments on my last post. I will be re-visiting the issue of my half-siblings and I will answer all of your questions. It's a lot for me to wrap my head around and I've been dealing with all of this hidden drama for most of my life!
I feel your pain. I'm going to be 36 in April. 35 was horrible for me as my brother and his wife welcomed their second child on the same day....nothing like being reminded you're officially AMA and some one you know pops a kid out...I hope this year is your year and your wish comes true when you blow out your candles! And let's go with being 23, I like that much better ;)
ReplyDeleteI cried reading this, I pray that god lets this be the year for you. I love how much your school kiddies just LOVE you so much, I hope you have an amazing birthday party with their smiling faces!
ReplyDeletewhat a beautiful non-coincidence.
ReplyDeleteand i really, truly hope its the year too.
Happy birthday!!! I hope this is your year too! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying that this is your year, too!
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers, sister! I am praying hard that this is your year!! Happy birthday!!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday! I really, really hope and pray this is your last birthday like this. And I hope your school party lifts your spirits :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I hope this is the year, too! I'm hoping and praying for you! Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! 23?! Love it! Hah! I hope this will be the year for you.
ReplyDeleteYoga tonight? Is it on?
Happy Birthday, my dear buddy. you deserve to celebrate YOUR life, because YOURS is worthwhile and special in every way you hope your future children's lives to be.
ReplyDeleteMay God Bless you with continued health and happiness this year.
Happy Birthday to a very young YOU! This is the year you will be mommy! In the Chinese calendar it is the year of the Rabbit! A very good year indeed. Heck i`m 38 years old and at 34 when i first met my DH I did not know my life would turn upside down in the department of trying to conceive...I totally understand how you feel!
ReplyDeleteGo out and celebrate as you deserve it!
Happy birthday pretty lady. Birthdays are hard, especially hard, and I hope you find joy in this birthday as you get closer and closer to growing your family.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to a wonderful woman!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are surrounded by love today on this special day made hard by suffering.
I hope this year brings the best gift of all!
Oh JB I am praying that this year be your year!!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday JB! Given I turned 36 last month, I completely understand (in my own way) the empty feeling. For me, 36 put me in a different category, one I didn't want to be in. But don't frett: God has a plan. Maybe this year we can decipher a clue :)
ReplyDeleteWell I'm glad I got to know you. Sad for another year when you have been waiting...God willing, THIS year will be it. Don't leave the chocolate fountain in the basement for too long...
ReplyDeleteHappy bday JB! 36 isn't so bad...I work really hard every year trying not to think about being childless and that anohter year has slipped by me. It makes everything so much harder. Bdays are to be a time of rejoicing and I think celebrating with your students will help you! Fruit trays sound yummie...I have to bring in a treat for my students next week...I'm thinking donuts. Haa!
ReplyDeleteHey! You and my DH have the same birthday! Great! :)
ReplyDeleteMy my my we are so alike in so many ways....I first want to wish you a very happy (albeit belated) birthday. I know what you are feeling right now, my bday is in a couple weeks and I raeally don't feel like celebrating it either - thought I'd have had a few children by now too instead of celebrating 36 with empty arms.
ReplyDeleteGood for your sweet students for making you feel better, they really can make you happy on a not so happy day. Smart food and fruit sounds delish!
May God bless you richly in this year of being 36!!!
I'm new to your blog :) I'm praying that this is your year (and for all sub-fertile women)!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday! I know exactly how you're feeling. My birthday is this week and instead of being excited all it tells me is that another year is down and I'm still not pregnant - just older! Like you, I thought I'd be working on #3 by now - at least! PRAYING this is your year!!!
ReplyDeleteLet's all the mid-thirties girls stick together!!! I'm with you all the way.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! I can relate to how youa re feeling...I turned 35 in November nad it was the very first birthday I didn't want to acknowledge my birthday. Praying for you...
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