It's my birthday eve.
I am staring down 36 and I'm not very happy about it. I didn't even organize a birthday party for myself (although we are going out to dinner tomorrow and Saturday night). For the first time since I got my chocolate fountain, it is staying in the box in the basement.
A large part of me wanted to ignore that yet another year was passing. Another year that my womb was still empty. Another year that my eggs were aging.
When we got married I never imagined that I would hit 36 and still be childless. Heck, I thought that I would be working on my third kid if my reproductive organs cooperated!
Oh my, how wrong was I?
It also doesn't help that tomorrow is also the twenty-first anniversary of Mr. JB's mom's death. I definitely don't think that those two dates coinciding are a coincidence in any way shape or form. More than one person has commented about the two dates intersecting. Did my mother-in-law have something to do with bringing me into Mr. JB's life? I definitely believe it to be so.
So I need to put my big girl panties on tomorrow and smile through my sadness. One of my students was away for her birthday earlier in the month and her parents are bringing in pizza for lunch for the class. I asked the kids if they wanted me to bring dessert and one of them said, "Madame JellyBelly bring in fruit!" I couldn't say no to that. I just spent $50 on two fruit trays, apple juice and Smar.tfood popcorn for my at school birthday party.
I know that once I see their little smiling faces that my sadness will be forgotten, or at least put away until I get home. They have been counting down all week and I know that they are more excited that I am about my birthday. They all think I'm turning 23! Gotta love little kids.
Oh please Lord, let this year be the year. I don't want to turn 37 with empty arms and an empty womb.
p.s. Thank you for all of your comments on my last post. I will be re-visiting the issue of my half-siblings and I will answer all of your questions. It's a lot for me to wrap my head around and I've been dealing with all of this hidden drama for most of my life!