26 June 2010

Stick a fork in it

I'm done.

So absolutely done.

I was so tired this morning that I didn't even go to yoga, which was quite the shock for Mr. JB since the only reason why I miss Saturday morning yoga is if I'm deathly ill.

Have I mentioned how difficult it is to teach until the end of June? And my school isn't air conditioned. And I have to pack up my room and have all of my boxes ready for moving by the end of the day on Wednesday.

Needless to say, I've been a little stressed.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to have a new teacher (who is also a good friend) shadow me for the day and she helped me pack up while I was running activities outside for the grade ones. I was so happy that she packed up my "cupboard of shame" and she even organized it for me! It was pretty embarrassing, but she understood that after two years of teaching grade one that I have no time to put things away neatly and things just get shoved into places so they're out of sight.

So I did get a response from my maid of honour. Her second child is getting baptized today and Mr. JB and I are not attending. She said that she understood that I was having a hard time since she was having kids and that I was being left behind. I don't think she understands that my biggest difficulty is that she didn't share the fact that she was pregnant with me herself. I don't know if I will ever explain it to her because I feel so betrayed. I'm also not going into all the years of contracepting that she did between her two children. I think that is what is making me the most angry.

I know that my infertility has nothing to do with justice and following the rules, but sometimes I can't help but feel like the universe is mocking me.

I also received a wedding shower invitation for Mr. JB's cousin's fiancee, yes the pg one. It also falls on our wedding anniversary weekend. I told Mr. JB that I will send a gift, but I do not want to attend. It just seems so hypocritical that we're celebrating something that is so wrong! I'm going to have to grin and bear the wedding and reception, and I'm sure there will be baby shower in due course (she's due January 3rd). Mr. JB said that he was worried that it would look weird that I would miss both showers, but at this point I just don't care.

On Wednesday night Mr. JB got together with his cousins and the groom to plan the stag and his cousin was at our house when I got home. It was hard to look him in the eye and pretend that I was not feeling so much anger. I'm not very good at pretending. It just seems strange that this couple is going through the motions of a "normal" wedding. There are going to be SEVEN bridesmaids and SEVEN groomsmen! There is obviously no shame at all with these two people!

Mr. JB and I have talked about it over and over again. If it were us in this situation we would've gotten married quietly and then went on with our lives, but I guess that we have a more healthy dose of Catholic guilt than these two (and we also go to church every Sunday and actually live like Catholics, but that is another rant for another day). Don't get me wrong, I'm a big sinner, but I think that we followed the MOST important rules before we got married!!!!

Anyhow, I need to deal with these emotions, and pronto since I'm going to have to deal with these people FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. They live in my neighbourhood AND they're (technically) parishioners at our church. And don't worry, I know that I can't do it alone. Although I'm sure that it's my thyroid/adrenal gland at fault for feeling low, I need some outside intervention to help me process all of the crap that is going on in my head.

Lastly, I looked into how much it would cost to ship my cortisol level test back to the US and with the shipping costs I would only save $30 from the price from the Canadian company my naturopath suggested. Mr. JB and I decided that the $30 difference was worth swallowing since it is so much more convenient to use our postal service. The test that I have already has a pre-paid mailer included and all I have to do is stick it in a mailbox. So thanks so Sew and Barbie for the tip. I'm sure that if we had the time to cross the border with my spit samples, it would be more cost-effective, but it just isn't feasible with our crazy schedules.

I wish I could curl up into a ball on my couch and sleep until Monday, but unfortunately laundry, coffee dates and grocery shopping calls. I'm trying my best to keep up with your blogs and commenting, and I promise that I'll be a much better blogger when school ends and I recover!


  1. Oh my goodness I know SO well what it feels like when the universe is mocking!!

    We can never remind ourselves enough (we don't need to though since everyone else certainly will) that when it comes to babies, IT AINT FAIR. PERIOD.

    And I too really struggle with the fact that no one seems to have ANY shame anymore either. About anything, really.

    I mean, seriously, it is FINE to me if people want to be pagans and get knocked up, get married by the justice of the peace, whatever. But when you proclaim to the world you are Catholic, but sleep together before marriage, then have a HUGE wedding in the Church ... it just seems "not right." I realize people can go to confession and get right with God (thankfully!) ... but what about the outside world? It just seems scandalous.

    I can see how you would feel like you are condoning the behavior by being part of things ... ugh!!! It's a very hard situation that only prayer will bring clarity to.

  2. Don't worry about the blogs... take care of yourself. And I totally get the frustration with the showy showers for people who don't have any shame. Was does that teach the children who witness it? "Scandal" is a word we don't use enough anymore. I'm all for celebrating marriage and babies, but come on people. Let's be appropriate as the situation warrants.

  3. I think your beloved Church needs to have a better stance on marrying two people who are expecting! Your church must be pretty liberal or lax. I thought the couple would have to wait until the baby was about a year old before they could do a wedding in the church. Don't they have to do the pre-canna classes????Hmmmm....interesting. Our priest told us of a story where a young couple came in and were obviously already expecting a baby...they wanted a very quick wedding and he refused them. He told them they could get married a year later. HE wasn't refusing to marry them...he just advised to waiting to make sure they still wanted to take their vows after having the child. See...the church takes the wedding vows seriously with God. Most likely....some couples get married due to the baby and are focusing on that and not on what the ceremony is all about. Our priest is very traditional and because of him...my dh and I have become better followers of our faith! Thank you God!

    +Sigh+ I wish all churches and priests followed the same rules!

    I wouldn't go to the shower or the wedding if it were me. Going to these events means you support them, etc. Do you? I bet you would feel better if they waited that year or so after the baby was born. Sorry I ranted...I felt your frustration. For now, all I can say is to pray for them.

    Happy End of the School year!

  4. I feel like I'm done too.

    And yeah, it drives me batty that people just do whatever the heck they want (have sex, contracept, the whole bit) before marriage, and then have a big Catholic ceremony! Thankfully my bro and SIL didn't do that, but they did have a big Baptism for my niece with a huge party and everything. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad they baptized her, but they get to have this big party. When I adopt, we probably won't get to do that with family since I live far away and it's something I always looked forward to. Oh well. Lifehopes is right; when it comes to babies, it isn't fair!

    I'm sorry this is a rough time for you. I'll be praying that summer will come quickly for you and that you'll be feeling better.

  5. I totally get your frustration, and I hope that you are able to process all of that crap with someone too. Sometimes our husbands don't totally understand, especially if it's their side of the family that we're not supporting. Hang in there JB and feel free to vent your crap with us! That's what blogs are for!

  6. There's not much you can do for these family members but be a loving example for them of the Church's teachings, and hopefully someday they will be aware of there errors. I understand your frusteration of attending those showers, it would not be an easy choice to attend.
    I hope everything works out for you. :)

  7. "sometimes I can't help but feel like the universe is mocking me" --> YES. And why would it do that? I've never done anything to the universe!

    I say, go to the bridal shower...bring an OPK :).

  8. dont worry about not attending showers - best to look out for you!

  9. UGH! That's all I have to say!

    No, I lied, I also have to say... you're going to the Poconos???!!