20 June 2010

Can you talk me off of the cliff?

I am having a really bad day.

Not only do I have a migraine right now, but I also woke up hung over.

Yes, "Miss I do yoga and eat organically and only occasionally drink wine" woke up hung over.

Not fun.

We attended a Stag and Doe for Mr. JB's cousin who is getting married and I was given a second glass of wine by another relative -- honestly who gets drunk on two glasses of wine??? And of course, I could not eat a thing that was being served so I was drinking on basically an empty stomach.

To top it off I'm dealing with a heck of a lot of guilt -- yet another Father's Day for my wonderful husband has passed and he still isn't a dad. It's one thing to feel sorry for myself on Mother's Day, but my guilt level has reached new proportions this year.

I've mentioned before that I dealt with clinical depression while I was in university. I had a breakdown the summer after my second year and it took a few years of antidepressants and therapy to get better. Not only was I depressed, but I had horrible anxiety attacks that left me physically paralyzed and I couldn't get out of bed.

It was the worst time of my life.

I was very lucky to have the support of my best friend (yes, the fertile one, who was my roommate at the time) and an incredibly supportive therapist. I was suicidal more than once, and I was even taken to the hospital after seeing my GP at the time because I was in such a state. I guess she was afraid that I was going to hurt myself.

I stopped taking antidepressants when I moved to France. It was four years after my lowest point and I decided that I was done with being sad.

I never thought that I would feel that horrible ever again, but here I am.

I admitted to Mr. JB this afternoon that I think that I need to seek professional help. As usual he's 100% supportive. I know that my feelings of anger, frustration and sadness are not normal. I don't want these horrible feelings to swallow me up like they did when I was an innocent undergrad that no idea that infertility would rock her world some ten or so years later.

So I apologize for, yet again, being the Debbie Downer of the infertility bloggers, but if I kept this post in any longer I would have to find a cliff to jump off of.


  1. Step away from the cliff!! What good is the blog world if we can't get everything out of our system.

    Anxiety and depression are debilitating. I hated it. I am glad you're going to see someone.

    Drugs for me worked miracles the short time I was on them.

    I hope you start to feel better soon!

  2. I've been through some depression before and I know it's so hard. Seeing someone should help. I know my mom has had great success with medication. Sometimes we just need that to help us get us out of it (or away from the cliff!) Anyways, I hope you start to feel better soon and I will be praying for you!

  3. Praying, praying, praying for you. You are such a sweet soul. I pray the Lord fills you with His healing and peace.

  4. Don't worry about a downer post, I just hate that you are feeling so bad.

    You've dealt with this before and, it seems, had big improvements with therapy. I say go. Run. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself emotionally. You've been focusing on the physical stuff for so long, but you're emotionally beat up, too.

    Praying for you, JB. Praying for your happiness, health, and healing.

  5. Oh JB. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think counseling is a good idea and perhaps some spiritual direction by a good priest along side it(?). I know that spiritual direction helps me a great deal.
    Praying, praying, praying for you.

  6. It's okay to feel like everything is crap, depression is HARD and realizing that you're in that dark place is half the battle. We're here to read and support you through everything, so please, no apologies needed for sharing what's happening in your life.(fathers day and mothers day are the worst).

  7. Oh JB I am SO sorry to hear this.

    You have such a naturally cheerful and energetic disposition, it must be really hard to feel so down.

    You know, I think that it is practically impossible to avoid depression from time to time when dealing with IF. It sucks the life right out of you. (and joy, too).

    That being said, I wish I had sought more "professional help" along the way, I know I still need it. Even though I haven't taken that step (yet), I would like to offer you encouragement in doing so! (I know this sounds hypocritical ... sorry!)

    I promise to step up the prayers for you.

    And don't blame yourself for one second for the IF. It's NOT YOUR FAULT!!

  8. Sorry that things are so yucky. Praying for you. We are here for you. We can't replace professional help, but hopefully we can be a complimentary source of encouragement and support. You can get through this, God is bigger than your depression. (I know that sounds corny, but He is there and is not going anywhere.) ((((Hugs))))

  9. I, too, battled depression in my 20's and when IF has gotten me down I thought about seeking professional help again. It's tough and there's nothing fun about it. The only thing now is that IF I decided to seek prof help it would have to be with someone who shares my religious views. Praying for you JB! Praying the Lord keeps giving you strength!

  10. It's okay the feel the way you do. I was there. There were plenty of times that I would wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I just couldn't go on like that. This was before the time of blogging. Couples therapy actually helped me the most because DH could share with me my sorrow and help me through it. Praying for healing for you.

  11. Oh, JB, I am so sorry that you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders right now. Those moments of not being able to see past the darkness is very scary and I believe that just your desire to find healing will lead you to healing! I will be praying for you and please now that you are not alone. We love you, we care for you, and we do understand the depths of feeling truly abandoned! I am so glad your husband is supportive and I will pray that you find the right path to peace! xoxox

  12. Oh, we are all here to pray you through. I have had to take meds temporarily to get me out of a rough spot at one point in my life, and it was a great blessing. As another blogger likes to say, "Better living through chemistry"! You take care of yourself and get the help you need so that you can feel like yourself again!

  13. Oh JB, you've been so kind to me at low moments - be good to yourself, too, and follow up on getting some help. You know from your own history that this doesn't need to be forever. (Please don't worry about being a downer - as much as I wish I were alone when I struggle with all of this, it's a comfort to know that I am not alone.)
    Praying for healing for you and peace -

  14. Does this mean you're going to get drunk on one glass of wine now?

    (I'm a light weight too - ha!)

  15. Thanks be to God for the Grace He gives to help us to SEE clearly when we are nearing the edge of that cliff!! He's definitely given you this beautiful gift... I am SO glad that you're not afraid to call out for help AND that you have such wonderful support about you! You'll be in my prayers...

    By the way, don't ever worry about bringing us down... God brought us into one another's lives so that we can lift each other up! : ) God bless!!

  16. I figure if I wanted light-hearted reading, I wouldn't be reading an infertility blog :). Seriously, though, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. More power to you for deciding to get the help you need to get through this. I still need to take that step of actually doing so, and I'm finding it harder than I thought - but I think I understand how you feel. It's defeating to think of yourself as a strong woman and then realize that you can't take an entire world's worth of crap without sometimes stumbling a step or two. But as Cynthia (yellow brick road) pointed out recently - to paraphrase - we're not failure of IF, but survivors. As lousy as you feel, recognizing what you need and want to be and doing the hard work to get there is more than most people would do if they carried the crosses you carry.

  17. Ugg, I'm so sorry I missed your text message yesterday! I feel so bad!!!!!

    The best thing you can do is get help and I'm glad you are doing that!

    Or maybe try upping your tolerance in the alcohol department. hahaha wink, wink! ;)

  18. It also leads me to believe that there are some things up with your thyroid.... ;)

  19. Sew is right (again) ALOT of people, the majority of them on the forum I'm on were put on anti depressants by their Drs.what was really going on was adrenal fatigue and hypothyroidisim.....really. 90%....

    I think therapy is good if you feel you need it, but hold off on meds (if you feel you can) until tests come back!

  20. Praying. Thank you for being honest about where you're at.