To Trigger, or Not to Trigger *Updated

Update: I didn't do it. Honestly, sometimes the madness has to stop. I was meditating yesterday and I kept on saying, "Lord, open my heart to your will." I believe His will for me is to surrender (and to not be a zombie using post-Peak meds).

Thank you all for your prayers! I'm hoping there is more peace in surrender since it was hard to find it in doing.

------------------------------------------------------------------

It's CD15.

Trigger day.

The meds are already ready and waiting.

The needles are too.

I've been feeling so torn about all this TTC business.

We're done all of our homestudy paperwork. And we're waiting for the summer break so we can track down and complete rest of it.

Yes, even after (almost) eight years of IF, the pace was scaring me.

I am so torn about doing the trigger shot tonight.

It's the end of the school year. I'm trying my best to stay at the top of my game.

I feel like a zombie on all the post-Peak medications --progesterone and Estr.ace just kick my butt!

Please say a prayer that I can discern what to do before tonight.

St. Rita, St. Gianna and St. Gerard, pray for us!

p.s. I met A Martha Trying to Be Mary on Tuesday night. She is just as amazing as her blog!

p.p.s. I switched back to sustained release T3 last week and I feel human again. Stupid thyroid meds!

And the suckiness continues...

So, I'm definitely messed up. 

Day two of doubling my thyroid meds is not going well, but it may have to do with what I ate today. I didn't do well with the low GI business today. Yesterday, I ate like a superstar and I felt fantastic. 

Stupid gf carbs. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

And I will steer clear of grains. 

[sigh]

I'm feeling particularly grumpy because I had to buy a baby shower present for my cousin's knocked up girlfriend. 

Apparently the trick is to not be married and be uneducated to get pg. 

At least it works in my family. 

Employed, married, financially stable with a nice home? 

Nope, no baby for you. 

Still live with your parents? Have nothing in your bank account? Are completely irresponsible (hence, the knocking up your girlfriend part)? Then have a baby. 

Do I sound bitter? 

I am so grateful that I can't attend. I conveniently have a workshop all weekend, so I don't even have to lie.

I need a good dose of humility. Or perhaps a lobotomy. 

St Rita, pray for us! 

I hate my thyroid

I asked my Napro doc to switch my thyroid meds when I saw her last month. 

I dragged my feet because I had a feeling that switching would be tough. 

And I wasn't wrong. 

A week of headaches. 

Low energy. 

Horrible moods. 

I'm feeling like garbage. 

Could I ask for some prayers? I have a feeling that today isn't going to be a good day. 

I have a feeling that I may be switching back....

I am thankful

I am thankful that on CD1 we celebrated mass for our First Communicants.

I was able to receive Jesus and ask for His help and guidance.

I keep telling myself that one day all of this will make sense. 

And yes, TCIE, one day there will be much dancing in heaven. 

Then all this pain will be worth it.

The Worst Day of the Year

One would think that eight years of IF would prepare me for Mothers Day. 

I wished all week that I could fall ill. Injure myself. Find a magical sleeping pill. 

But I woke up feeling fine. 

What does an IF woman who has a dysfunctional relationship with her own mother do? What about her husband's pain when he thinks of his wonderful mother that passed away in 1990. 

This is a painful day. 

There is no doubt about it. 

I'm going to put on a brave face. Drop off the beautiful hanging basket of flowers at my crazy mother's house and I will act like I am not dying inside. 

One day. 

One day all of this will make sense. 

The tale of the mysterious CM

Oh yes, when one is IF, there is no such thing as TMI.

So I have a pretty predictable body. If you were to look at my Creighton charts you would see the same pattern.

I'm at the end of chart 10, so I am saying this with some authority.

So today, on peak +7, I see some lovely 10KL. Just once, so far.

What????

What is going on?

I've never double peaked.

My exercise regimen hasn't recently changed.

I did had the stomach flu, but I've been better for more than a week.

I did do an HCG trigger on April 28th (nope, no coincidence there!). And peak day was two days later.

What the heck is going on???

(I apologize to those of you that saw this question in the FB IF group!).

Help!

Trigger

Trigger shot on St Gianna's feast day.

Hmmm, I think that God has a really great sense of humour.

This may be a particularly stressful 2WW.

[sigh]

St Gianna, pray for us!

p.s. Aunt K is doing better. She's come out of her coma, but is still in hospital. Thank you for your prayers!

Infertile TKO

Yup, total knock out.

It was that kind of day.

I woke up stressed out. Mr. JB spent most of last night getting our tax stuff ready and our paperwork is a scary abyss. I bought a proper filing cabinet last week and I hope that next year will be less taxing on my psyche. I panicked this morning because he couldn't find the receipt for our PR.IDE (adoption training).

I sometimes feel like my house works against me.

But that's not what this post is about.

I got to work all frazzled. I haven't been feeling well all week and the strange stomach flu symptoms that have been plaguing me since the weekend are starting to cause the grumpies. I've been bilking it with my class and I did work my tummy ache into my health and language lesson (btw, the majority of seven year olds think that I should get over-the-counter meds before going to the doctor, however, I didn't listen to them).

After almost eight years on the IF train, I've gotten numb to all things baby. Yes, the IF therapist that I saw helped, but I am not impervious to feeling. There's been a lot of good news lately and although it makes me feel incredibly guilty (yes, IF's double-edged sword), it's hard. My heart has pretty much given up the hope of biological motherhood, but my head hasn't caught up. Will it ever? I doubt it.

It hurts even more when I think of the thousands of dollars we spent in Omaha -- yes, we could've afforded a move to a detached home, or I could've gotten a new car, but no, I have plunged our family deeper into debt for surgeries that didn't quite get the effect we wanted. I believe the dollar amount was over $16 000 for 2012.

Argh.

Yes, I carry around A LOT of guilt.

About $40 000 worth.

I guess I should focus on the $3 500 that I will (hopefully) get back.

And being pain-free.

Yes, there's that.

So, back to the taxes.

Mr. JB texted me this morning to ask if I had grabbed our cheque book so we could pay our accountant (who by the way is not going to do our taxes next year, I'm planning to save $200 next year and do them myself!). Of course, I hadn't. I rushed home during my lunch hour to grab it and when I returned my formerly IF colleague was visiting with her newborn.

Great. I can handle babies, but newborns KILL me.

I sit down at the table with my lunch and someone starts talking about her daughter's IF struggles. I was trying to tune her out, but it was tough (thank you Rebecca for the distraction!). It took all of my inner strength to not lose it all over my pasta.

It's amazing how fast babies and IVF talk get me moving.

And the icing on the cake: our accountant commented that we were his first clients to ever have adoption expenses.

Yes, the first.

I'm sure he meant nothing by it, but my barren womb became that much more empty.

I'm not even going to get into the invitation we got from my cousin and his knocked up girlfriend. Or my pg childhood best friend who posted a photo of her new car that looks perfect for a car seat.

I'm going to try to hold it together.

Because I have an appointment with my Napro doctor in the morning.

And I'm hoping that the Lord will give me some guidance since I am not 100% certain that I can continue with more treatment. I already decided that I wasn't going to do the low dose HCG this cycle because injecting myself continuously is just not fun.

Infertility: 1 000 000 JellyBelly: 0

Now, where's the wine?

p.s. Aunt K is in a coma. We haven't heard anything else in a couple of days. Please continue to pray for her!

Prayers please

We just found out that Mr JB's aunt in Arizona had a heart attack (although another family member said stroke). She's been suffering with a myriad of health problems in recent years.

It doesn't look good.

St. Joseph, please watch over Aunt K!

Mental Health Day

I knew at the beginning of the week that I wasn't going to make it until Friday.

Don't get me wrong, I love my class. They're adorable and pretty easy to manage (especially now that I am student teacher-free!). I was starting to feel irritable and short with them and I hadn't taken a day off in a LONG time.

I had dreams of fiddling with the new filing cabinet that I bought earlier in the week, but I woke up with a headache and I just couldn't get the gumption to get to the basement.

Instead I made vegan quesadillas (Dai.ya cheese rocks!), read the paper and tried to avoid all of the news coverage of the bombing suspects in Boston (quite unsuccessfully).

The only things I accomplished was getting out of my pyjamas and a batch of cookies.

I'm not good at being lazy, but my body needed it today.

I've had a lot of thoughts going around my head: my adoption fears, the fact that two of my unmarried cousins have gotten their girlfriends pg, my crazy mother.

I need to let the thoughts percolate further.

Instead, I am going to remind all of you that the novena to St. Gianna starts today. Her feast day is April 28th. I wish we lived closer to her shrine so we could make a pilgrimage.

Btw, please include these wonderful bloggers (Amy, Marie, Kat) in your intentions, we need to cover these women in prayer!

And lastly, our lovely Rebecca has organized an IF retreat. Go visit her blog and get more details!


p.s. Please pray for Mr. JB's teaching assistant. Although he doesn't have all of the details, he knows that they have found cysts (but he isn't sure where) and the doctors are checking for cancer. She's a wonderful, faith-filled woman. St. Peregrine, pray for G!