Infertile TKO

Yup, total knock out.

It was that kind of day.

I woke up stressed out. Mr. JB spent most of last night getting our tax stuff ready and our paperwork is a scary abyss. I bought a proper filing cabinet last week and I hope that next year will be less taxing on my psyche. I panicked this morning because he couldn't find the receipt for our PR.IDE (adoption training).

I sometimes feel like my house works against me.

But that's not what this post is about.

I got to work all frazzled. I haven't been feeling well all week and the strange stomach flu symptoms that have been plaguing me since the weekend are starting to cause the grumpies. I've been bilking it with my class and I did work my tummy ache into my health and language lesson (btw, the majority of seven year olds think that I should get over-the-counter meds before going to the doctor, however, I didn't listen to them).

After almost eight years on the IF train, I've gotten numb to all things baby. Yes, the IF therapist that I saw helped, but I am not impervious to feeling. There's been a lot of good news lately and although it makes me feel incredibly guilty (yes, IF's double-edged sword), it's hard. My heart has pretty much given up the hope of biological motherhood, but my head hasn't caught up. Will it ever? I doubt it.

It hurts even more when I think of the thousands of dollars we spent in Omaha -- yes, we could've afforded a move to a detached home, or I could've gotten a new car, but no, I have plunged our family deeper into debt for surgeries that didn't quite get the effect we wanted. I believe the dollar amount was over $16 000 for 2012.

Argh.

Yes, I carry around A LOT of guilt.

About $40 000 worth.

I guess I should focus on the $3 500 that I will (hopefully) get back.

And being pain-free.

Yes, there's that.

So, back to the taxes.

Mr. JB texted me this morning to ask if I had grabbed our cheque book so we could pay our accountant (who by the way is not going to do our taxes next year, I'm planning to save $200 next year and do them myself!). Of course, I hadn't. I rushed home during my lunch hour to grab it and when I returned my formerly IF colleague was visiting with her newborn.

Great. I can handle babies, but newborns KILL me.

I sit down at the table with my lunch and someone starts talking about her daughter's IF struggles. I was trying to tune her out, but it was tough (thank you Rebecca for the distraction!). It took all of my inner strength to not lose it all over my pasta.

It's amazing how fast babies and IVF talk get me moving.

And the icing on the cake: our accountant commented that we were his first clients to ever have adoption expenses.

Yes, the first.

I'm sure he meant nothing by it, but my barren womb became that much more empty.

I'm not even going to get into the invitation we got from my cousin and his knocked up girlfriend. Or my pg childhood best friend who posted a photo of her new car that looks perfect for a car seat.

I'm going to try to hold it together.

Because I have an appointment with my Napro doctor in the morning.

And I'm hoping that the Lord will give me some guidance since I am not 100% certain that I can continue with more treatment. I already decided that I wasn't going to do the low dose HCG this cycle because injecting myself continuously is just not fun.

Infertility: 1 000 000 JellyBelly: 0

Now, where's the wine?

p.s. Aunt K is in a coma. We haven't heard anything else in a couple of days. Please continue to pray for her!