24 April 2013

Infertile TKO

Yup, total knock out.

It was that kind of day.

I woke up stressed out. Mr. JB spent most of last night getting our tax stuff ready and our paperwork is a scary abyss. I bought a proper filing cabinet last week and I hope that next year will be less taxing on my psyche. I panicked this morning because he couldn't find the receipt for our PR.IDE (adoption training).

I sometimes feel like my house works against me.

But that's not what this post is about.

I got to work all frazzled. I haven't been feeling well all week and the strange stomach flu symptoms that have been plaguing me since the weekend are starting to cause the grumpies. I've been bilking it with my class and I did work my tummy ache into my health and language lesson (btw, the majority of seven year olds think that I should get over-the-counter meds before going to the doctor, however, I didn't listen to them).

After almost eight years on the IF train, I've gotten numb to all things baby. Yes, the IF therapist that I saw helped, but I am not impervious to feeling. There's been a lot of good news lately and although it makes me feel incredibly guilty (yes, IF's double-edged sword), it's hard. My heart has pretty much given up the hope of biological motherhood, but my head hasn't caught up. Will it ever? I doubt it.

It hurts even more when I think of the thousands of dollars we spent in Omaha -- yes, we could've afforded a move to a detached home, or I could've gotten a new car, but no, I have plunged our family deeper into debt for surgeries that didn't quite get the effect we wanted. I believe the dollar amount was over $16 000 for 2012.


Yes, I carry around A LOT of guilt.

About $40 000 worth.

I guess I should focus on the $3 500 that I will (hopefully) get back.

And being pain-free.

Yes, there's that.

So, back to the taxes.

Mr. JB texted me this morning to ask if I had grabbed our cheque book so we could pay our accountant (who by the way is not going to do our taxes next year, I'm planning to save $200 next year and do them myself!). Of course, I hadn't. I rushed home during my lunch hour to grab it and when I returned my formerly IF colleague was visiting with her newborn.

Great. I can handle babies, but newborns KILL me.

I sit down at the table with my lunch and someone starts talking about her daughter's IF struggles. I was trying to tune her out, but it was tough (thank you Rebecca for the distraction!). It took all of my inner strength to not lose it all over my pasta.

It's amazing how fast babies and IVF talk get me moving.

And the icing on the cake: our accountant commented that we were his first clients to ever have adoption expenses.

Yes, the first.

I'm sure he meant nothing by it, but my barren womb became that much more empty.

I'm not even going to get into the invitation we got from my cousin and his knocked up girlfriend. Or my pg childhood best friend who posted a photo of her new car that looks perfect for a car seat.

I'm going to try to hold it together.

Because I have an appointment with my Napro doctor in the morning.

And I'm hoping that the Lord will give me some guidance since I am not 100% certain that I can continue with more treatment. I already decided that I wasn't going to do the low dose HCG this cycle because injecting myself continuously is just not fun.

Infertility: 1 000 000 JellyBelly: 0

Now, where's the wine?

p.s. Aunt K is in a coma. We haven't heard anything else in a couple of days. Please continue to pray for her!


  1. Oh J - I am so sorry. Yeah, all of that sucks! I wish I could come there and just give you a hug. And taxes - ugh...and I am CPA, but seriously, stress like that can exacerbate an already stressful situation.

    Good luck with your Napro appt tomorrow and prayers are coming!

  2. Prayers for a good appt. Your intentions are being lifted up in my st Gianna novena!

  3. What a rough day. :P Hopefully things look brighter tomorrow and your appointment goes well. Praying for you and your aunt.

  4. UG! When it rains it pours sometimes! Lifting you up in prayer tonight!

  5. My heart sank for you when you walked into the surprise newborn visit! I have a hard time with newborns too and generally ignore them as much as possible. I'm sorry your day was tough and hope you can breathe easier at least after taxes are done!

  6. Guilt is a complicated thing. If you didn't go to have this surgery wouldn't part of you always wonder? Now you can know that you did everything you possibly could.

    Hugs lady, be kind to yourself.

  7. I hope the appointment went (goes?) well. A bible study classmate of mine is going to Medjugorje on pilgrimage and was collecting prayer requests. I included you, in particular, as well as all couples going through infertility and miscarriage.

  8. I am praying for you right now - especially since you are in your appointment.

    I'm so sorry. IF sucks.

  9. Oh gosh, I'm sorry JB. This does just totally suck. I know you have sticker shock at the money lost and I understand that guilt sucker punch feeling at the idea of what else that money could have been use for "if only..."...but you really did make the best decision that you could at the time with the information you had. You chose to prioritize your health and living pain free is no small matter! It just sucks that you have to pay for that which so many people have naturally :( Praying for you.

    And I agree, we are SERIOUSLY not paying someone $200 next year to tell us exactly what we already knew!! That bugged me too.

    1. With all of our medical expenses Mr JB wanted to be 100% sure that we were maximizing our return. Next year our payments will be so much smaller so I'm sure I will be able to do our return. Honestly, sometimes I think I'm in the wrong business!

  10. I have gotten a lot more calloused about a lot of things, but surprise newborn visits are Not Okay. And how on EARTH does she (as a former IFer) not know that? Oh, I forgot - she's allowed to pretend to not know all the things she does know, specifically at your expense, so she can play-act at being a person who never had to carry a cross. This really galls me. I'm sorry you've had to have a day like that!

  11. Hope you feel better soon...there are still some yicky viruses going on around here too. Ewe. Praying the Good Lord relieves that anxiety you are having soon.

  12. Sorry JB. Hugs. Praying for you.

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