It hit me today.
This is it.
My surgery with Dr. Hilgers is the last thing that we are going to do to restore my fertility. My third, and final surgery.
If this doesn't work, we move on.
When we started this journey WAY back in July 2005, I couldn't imagine that six years later that we would still be childless, but here we are.
We are so blessed to be able to have the choice to have this surgery. Everything has come into place to make this surgery happen. I know in my heart that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Regardless of the outcome, I will not regret our decision to go to Omaha.
But I'm scared.
So desperately scared.
My back is against the wall and I'm starting at all of my fears straight in the eye.
Dear God, please help me!
5 October 2011
4 October 2011
Coming Clean, Well Mostly
After my crazy day yesterday -- which ended off quite nicely with my appointment with Dr. Nora, thank God, even the traffic wasn't too bad coming home, I came to school ready to start telling people about my surgery.
The first person I told was my planning time teacher (she comes in to teach my class English). She was super supportive. Then I spoke to the secretary who had no idea what was going on, my principal is a vault apparently. My biggest reason for telling her was that my principal asked me to help him find someone to cover my leave, something totally against the rules, but I'm a pleaser and I tried to do as I was told.
It's pretty difficult to find someone that is French speaking to cover such a long period of time and I was told that the list of available teachers has been exhausted. I have a couple of substitute teachers that I call in to cover for me if I'm sick or if I have a meeting, and neither one of them is interested.
I wish that I wasn't so worried about who is going to be in my class while I'm gone, but honestly it is bothering me more than the actual surgery!
At lunch, my principal sat beside me and said that he had a plan in place if we couldn't find anyone. He's going to shift some teachers around and put someone on staff that speaks French in my room and then find someone to do her job. I was able to leave school with a pretty big load off of my shoulders after I heard that!
By the end of the day I told my planning time teacher, the head secretary (but the part-time one was there too, so she heard everything), the librarian (who I am pretty close with, who was the only one who connected the dots between my endo and IF, I've slipped enough hints around her!), and three of my closest friends on staff. I told them that I was having surgery for my endo, but I didn't tell them the fertility aspect. I really didn't want to get into it and I knew that if I started getting into all the IF business that I would start to cry. My teaching partner knows EVERYTHING, but we're very close and I know that she won't tell anyone.
I wish that I could've been 100% truthful, but the fact that I told them this much was a big deal for me -- being "secretly" IF has been the best way for me to cope.
And it doesn't end there, I called my mom tonight to tell her. For those of you that don't know my mom and I don't exactly have the easiest relationship and I wanted to wait until the last moment to tell her. Surprisingly she was so supportive. I stressed the fact that Dr. Hilgers is one of the best and that he has a great reputation and that the doctors here in Ontario weren't going to help me like he can. I also assured her that we had the money saved up and that we didn't have to go into any debt or that I would lose any pay while I was off (she always gets worried about money matters!). She also offered to take days off if I needed her to, even though she's retiring at Christmas. My mom is so good in a crisis and she's also a nurse, so I'm pretty fortunate. I was also surprised that she said that we just had to pray that it was going to work. She doesn't usually talk that way, she's usually pretty clinical and matter-of-fact. I almost started to cry when she said that, but thankfully she wanted to get off the phone because she was watching something with my dad.
So such a big weight has been taken off of my shoulders. The people that matter know and if the nosy people on my staff want to know I told them to say that I was having surgery, that I was fine and that I would be back after Christmas. No one else needs to know more. Really, it's none of their business!
Yesterday on my way home from Dr. Nora's, I had yet another conversation with God. I know that regardless of what I want, ultimately it's His plan. But I do hope and pray that all of this effort, all of the tests, phone calls, e-mails, doctor's visits, invasive procedures, the list goes on and on, are going to amount to finally having a baby. I've tried to keep a brave face and tell people that it's for my health, but for Pete's sake I want a freaking baby (or two or four, any number Lord, send them, but at least one, please!).
If I don't get my happy ending at the end of all of this, I'm heading straight to a padded room.
The first person I told was my planning time teacher (she comes in to teach my class English). She was super supportive. Then I spoke to the secretary who had no idea what was going on, my principal is a vault apparently. My biggest reason for telling her was that my principal asked me to help him find someone to cover my leave, something totally against the rules, but I'm a pleaser and I tried to do as I was told.
It's pretty difficult to find someone that is French speaking to cover such a long period of time and I was told that the list of available teachers has been exhausted. I have a couple of substitute teachers that I call in to cover for me if I'm sick or if I have a meeting, and neither one of them is interested.
I wish that I wasn't so worried about who is going to be in my class while I'm gone, but honestly it is bothering me more than the actual surgery!
At lunch, my principal sat beside me and said that he had a plan in place if we couldn't find anyone. He's going to shift some teachers around and put someone on staff that speaks French in my room and then find someone to do her job. I was able to leave school with a pretty big load off of my shoulders after I heard that!
By the end of the day I told my planning time teacher, the head secretary (but the part-time one was there too, so she heard everything), the librarian (who I am pretty close with, who was the only one who connected the dots between my endo and IF, I've slipped enough hints around her!), and three of my closest friends on staff. I told them that I was having surgery for my endo, but I didn't tell them the fertility aspect. I really didn't want to get into it and I knew that if I started getting into all the IF business that I would start to cry. My teaching partner knows EVERYTHING, but we're very close and I know that she won't tell anyone.
I wish that I could've been 100% truthful, but the fact that I told them this much was a big deal for me -- being "secretly" IF has been the best way for me to cope.
And it doesn't end there, I called my mom tonight to tell her. For those of you that don't know my mom and I don't exactly have the easiest relationship and I wanted to wait until the last moment to tell her. Surprisingly she was so supportive. I stressed the fact that Dr. Hilgers is one of the best and that he has a great reputation and that the doctors here in Ontario weren't going to help me like he can. I also assured her that we had the money saved up and that we didn't have to go into any debt or that I would lose any pay while I was off (she always gets worried about money matters!). She also offered to take days off if I needed her to, even though she's retiring at Christmas. My mom is so good in a crisis and she's also a nurse, so I'm pretty fortunate. I was also surprised that she said that we just had to pray that it was going to work. She doesn't usually talk that way, she's usually pretty clinical and matter-of-fact. I almost started to cry when she said that, but thankfully she wanted to get off the phone because she was watching something with my dad.
So such a big weight has been taken off of my shoulders. The people that matter know and if the nosy people on my staff want to know I told them to say that I was having surgery, that I was fine and that I would be back after Christmas. No one else needs to know more. Really, it's none of their business!
Yesterday on my way home from Dr. Nora's, I had yet another conversation with God. I know that regardless of what I want, ultimately it's His plan. But I do hope and pray that all of this effort, all of the tests, phone calls, e-mails, doctor's visits, invasive procedures, the list goes on and on, are going to amount to finally having a baby. I've tried to keep a brave face and tell people that it's for my health, but for Pete's sake I want a freaking baby (or two or four, any number Lord, send them, but at least one, please!).
If I don't get my happy ending at the end of all of this, I'm heading straight to a padded room.
3 October 2011
One of the worst things... * Updated
...about being infertile is having to fill one's bladder in preparation for an ultrasound.
I have goosebumps all over 'cos I started with cold water and now I'm shivering!
I have the day off for my day 5 ultrasound (the baseline before I head south for my Napro ultrasounds) and blood work (which will be shipped to Omaha).
I end off the day with a visit to Dr. Nora.
How I wish I could have fun relaxing and watching girly movies, rather than preparing myself for surgery #3.
[sigh]
_____________________________
I am so thankful to be home. It was not a fun morning. At all.
I was very happy to get to the ultrasound clinic without too much fuss. The office was quite the way away and I knew that navigating morning rush hour traffic wouldn't be fun. I got there on time and I didn't have to wait.
That's when the fortune ended.
I have been through many, many ultrasounds. When the technician asked me what the reason for my ultrasound was, I knew that it was going to go downhill from there. Didn't she read the d*mn requisition???? I told her primary infertility and that it was my day 5 baseline ultrasound. She told me to lie down (which was not comfortable since my bladder was so darned full) and then asked how long we had been TTC.
She's lucky that I was so distracted from my full bladder because I was ready to cry or punch her, but I calmly said, "Six years." Although I wanted to add, does it really matter? It's obvious that you have no idea what six years of barrenness has done to me.
[deep breath]
She finished the external ultrasound and I was told to pee. Honestly, the pee after filling one's bladder is the most joyous experience!
When I returned to the room I was told to take all of my bottoms off and to put on the ridiculous paper gown. I lay down and she inserted the dildocam and she just went to town. She wasn't gentle, despite my telling her that it was painful. Like I said, I've had many ultrasounds and I know that they are not supposed to be painful. My deep, yoga breathing helped, a bit, but it was still so uncomfortable that I had tears in my eyes -- which says a lot since I have a high pain tolerance (I've lived with stage 4 endo, I know what pain is!). The entire scan took about ten minutes, but it seemed like hours. At the end I asked the tech why it hurt so much and she said, "Well you have endometriosis, that's why." She's lucky I didn't kick her in the teeth.
[another deep breath]
So next was my day 5 blood work. I drove back home and found the lab (which is a new lab because only certain labs will ship blood to the US). I felt very confident that the lab would be able to handle shipping my blood to Omaha since I spoke to a very nice lady at their head office. Alas, I was wrong.
After waiting for almost half and hour the receptionist was all confused about my requisition. I explained to her that I had spoken to head office and that I was told that they were able to ship my blood to the US and that if she needed to talk to someone that I had their phone number and extension. I went back and forth with the woman at the desk at least four times. She brought in more than one colleague to help her out with my situation. Thank God another woman came in and calmly explained to her what to do. The biggest glitch was the price that I was quoted was wrong because of the dry ice and extra packaging that was needed.
God was merciful on me enough to send me a very thorough technician. She went over the requisition from Dr. Hilgers with a fine tooth comb. The woman at the desk highlighted that I needed post-Peak blood work done as well, but I insisted that it was just day 5 FSH (I also had a requisition from my local Napro doc that said that same thing). She took an extra vial of blood just in case, but I am sure that she will ensure that my sample gets to Omaha!
The tech said something very interesting. She asked for my cell phone number just in case she had any questions. She said that I was very knowledgeable and that she knew that I knew what I needed inside and out. She complimented me on being my own advocate and that, "If you want something, you need to go and get it. No one is going to do it for you."
Prophetic words.
She was like an angel speaking to me. I need to persevere, regardless of how hard all of this seems.
One more appointment. Dr. Nora at 4:45pm. Thank God that she doesn't need to take blood or poke my ladyparts!
I have goosebumps all over 'cos I started with cold water and now I'm shivering!
I have the day off for my day 5 ultrasound (the baseline before I head south for my Napro ultrasounds) and blood work (which will be shipped to Omaha).
I end off the day with a visit to Dr. Nora.
How I wish I could have fun relaxing and watching girly movies, rather than preparing myself for surgery #3.
[sigh]
_____________________________
I am so thankful to be home. It was not a fun morning. At all.
I was very happy to get to the ultrasound clinic without too much fuss. The office was quite the way away and I knew that navigating morning rush hour traffic wouldn't be fun. I got there on time and I didn't have to wait.
That's when the fortune ended.
I have been through many, many ultrasounds. When the technician asked me what the reason for my ultrasound was, I knew that it was going to go downhill from there. Didn't she read the d*mn requisition???? I told her primary infertility and that it was my day 5 baseline ultrasound. She told me to lie down (which was not comfortable since my bladder was so darned full) and then asked how long we had been TTC.
She's lucky that I was so distracted from my full bladder because I was ready to cry or punch her, but I calmly said, "Six years." Although I wanted to add, does it really matter? It's obvious that you have no idea what six years of barrenness has done to me.
[deep breath]
She finished the external ultrasound and I was told to pee. Honestly, the pee after filling one's bladder is the most joyous experience!
When I returned to the room I was told to take all of my bottoms off and to put on the ridiculous paper gown. I lay down and she inserted the dildocam and she just went to town. She wasn't gentle, despite my telling her that it was painful. Like I said, I've had many ultrasounds and I know that they are not supposed to be painful. My deep, yoga breathing helped, a bit, but it was still so uncomfortable that I had tears in my eyes -- which says a lot since I have a high pain tolerance (I've lived with stage 4 endo, I know what pain is!). The entire scan took about ten minutes, but it seemed like hours. At the end I asked the tech why it hurt so much and she said, "Well you have endometriosis, that's why." She's lucky I didn't kick her in the teeth.
[another deep breath]
So next was my day 5 blood work. I drove back home and found the lab (which is a new lab because only certain labs will ship blood to the US). I felt very confident that the lab would be able to handle shipping my blood to Omaha since I spoke to a very nice lady at their head office. Alas, I was wrong.
After waiting for almost half and hour the receptionist was all confused about my requisition. I explained to her that I had spoken to head office and that I was told that they were able to ship my blood to the US and that if she needed to talk to someone that I had their phone number and extension. I went back and forth with the woman at the desk at least four times. She brought in more than one colleague to help her out with my situation. Thank God another woman came in and calmly explained to her what to do. The biggest glitch was the price that I was quoted was wrong because of the dry ice and extra packaging that was needed.
God was merciful on me enough to send me a very thorough technician. She went over the requisition from Dr. Hilgers with a fine tooth comb. The woman at the desk highlighted that I needed post-Peak blood work done as well, but I insisted that it was just day 5 FSH (I also had a requisition from my local Napro doc that said that same thing). She took an extra vial of blood just in case, but I am sure that she will ensure that my sample gets to Omaha!
The tech said something very interesting. She asked for my cell phone number just in case she had any questions. She said that I was very knowledgeable and that she knew that I knew what I needed inside and out. She complimented me on being my own advocate and that, "If you want something, you need to go and get it. No one is going to do it for you."
Prophetic words.
She was like an angel speaking to me. I need to persevere, regardless of how hard all of this seems.
One more appointment. Dr. Nora at 4:45pm. Thank God that she doesn't need to take blood or poke my ladyparts!
2 October 2011
Summer Prayer Buddy Reveal
I was so excited about the last edition of Summer Prayer Buddies! I love having a particular person to pray for!
I had the wonderful fortune of praying for Mrs. Henderson at Still Standing! It definitely wasn't a coincidence, the Holy Spirit had His hand in pairing us up. We are both teachers and as I type this she is in Omaha!
I was able to offer up many prayers for her intentions and I stepped up my prayers when it looked like her insurance company wasn't going to cover her surgery's cost. I prayed the St. Gerard novena for her every night and I offered up every yoga class for her (there was a lot of sweat generated for your intentions!). I've also been offering up my frustration with my class -- and there has been a healthy dose of that!
I am continuing my prayers for her as her surgery approaches. I am certain that Dr. Hilgers will work miracles for you too!
Thanks to Mrs. Henderson and Mrs. B for organizing Summer Prayer Buddies!
p.s. I will be sending your gift when I'm in the US next week!
-------------------------------
Thank you so much to God Alone Suffices for her prayers! I cannot believe how calm I have been as I wait for my surgery. I am certain that your prayers have made the stressful process of organizing tests, ultrasounds, arranging to go to the US for my hormone panel and ultrasound series go so smoothly!
God bless you and I will be praying for you too!
p.s. I'm still looking for advice on US cell phones. Please help if you can!
I had the wonderful fortune of praying for Mrs. Henderson at Still Standing! It definitely wasn't a coincidence, the Holy Spirit had His hand in pairing us up. We are both teachers and as I type this she is in Omaha!
I was able to offer up many prayers for her intentions and I stepped up my prayers when it looked like her insurance company wasn't going to cover her surgery's cost. I prayed the St. Gerard novena for her every night and I offered up every yoga class for her (there was a lot of sweat generated for your intentions!). I've also been offering up my frustration with my class -- and there has been a healthy dose of that!
I am continuing my prayers for her as her surgery approaches. I am certain that Dr. Hilgers will work miracles for you too!
Thanks to Mrs. Henderson and Mrs. B for organizing Summer Prayer Buddies!
p.s. I will be sending your gift when I'm in the US next week!
-------------------------------
Thank you so much to God Alone Suffices for her prayers! I cannot believe how calm I have been as I wait for my surgery. I am certain that your prayers have made the stressful process of organizing tests, ultrasounds, arranging to go to the US for my hormone panel and ultrasound series go so smoothly!
God bless you and I will be praying for you too!
p.s. I'm still looking for advice on US cell phones. Please help if you can!
1 October 2011
Practical Advice Needed
I can't believe that my surgery is in exactly a month.
Oh my gravy.
Part of me is panicking, and another is thankful since my cramps are just horrible right now. Thank God for whoever invented ibuprofen in gel pills!
I head to the States next week for my ultrasound series and I have been thinking about getting a pay-per-use cell phone rather than getting US roaming on my Canadian phone. Our cell phone rates are crazy expensive and I really want the piece of mind of having a phone that I can use when I need to. The phone will also come in handy when we're in Omaha (although we got a phone package for Mr. JB's car, we have On.Star service that we decided to renew).
Advice, anyone?
Oh my gravy.
Part of me is panicking, and another is thankful since my cramps are just horrible right now. Thank God for whoever invented ibuprofen in gel pills!
I head to the States next week for my ultrasound series and I have been thinking about getting a pay-per-use cell phone rather than getting US roaming on my Canadian phone. Our cell phone rates are crazy expensive and I really want the piece of mind of having a phone that I can use when I need to. The phone will also come in handy when we're in Omaha (although we got a phone package for Mr. JB's car, we have On.Star service that we decided to renew).
Advice, anyone?
29 September 2011
Thanks AF
I'm being serious.
Thank you for arriving on time this month. Now all of my ultrasound and blood work appointments are going to work out. My ultrasound trip to see TCIE is going to happen on our scheduled days.
Everything seems to be working out for my surgery.
I am a little tiny bit disappointed that I didn't get miraculously pg, but at least I have a fantastic plan. I have complete faith that the Lord has led me to Omaha and to Dr. H.
After six years of IF I have never been this happy for AF to arrive -- well, I was pretty happy when she returned after the dreaded L.upron, but this is different excitement.
Now don't get used to the warm reception AF, as soon as we get the green light to return to TTC I want you outta here!!!!
Thank you for arriving on time this month. Now all of my ultrasound and blood work appointments are going to work out. My ultrasound trip to see TCIE is going to happen on our scheduled days.
Everything seems to be working out for my surgery.
I am a little tiny bit disappointed that I didn't get miraculously pg, but at least I have a fantastic plan. I have complete faith that the Lord has led me to Omaha and to Dr. H.
After six years of IF I have never been this happy for AF to arrive -- well, I was pretty happy when she returned after the dreaded L.upron, but this is different excitement.
Now don't get used to the warm reception AF, as soon as we get the green light to return to TTC I want you outta here!!!!
27 September 2011
Tuesday Musings
1. I slept until 5am this morning. I am convinced that I would've slept to the alarm if the stupid raccoons weren't going through our organic waste outside. The downside of sleeping with the windows open on garbage day. I hate raccoons, but I am thankful for my husband that cleaned the mess up.
2. I told my closest friend on my staff, M, about my surgery at lunch yesterday. We were on our way back to school and she asked me if there was anything new going on and I told her. She was so supportive and optimistic about the surgery's success. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. The next person I have to tell is my teaching partner, hopefully I can get that out of the way in the next couple of days.
3. Please pray for my friend M's family (yes, the M in #2). She got word this morning that her niece's boyfriend committed suicide and she was heartbroken. She left school as soon as she got the news, so I don't know all of the details. What I do know is that her niece was dating this boy for two years and that he was a lovely boy. Her niece is away at university so her dad (M's brother-in-law) went to console her while M and her husband went to her sister-in-law's work to break the news to her. I have personally known the darkness of depression, but I can't imagine how low this poor boy felt to end his life.
4. I have booked my day 5 ultrasound for Monday. There was no way I could get TCIE to do the baseline ultrasound, so I got the go ahead from my Napro doctor to get it done locally. I also spoke to the lab that will be taking my day 5 blood on Monday and they were so incredibly helpful. I had originally thought that I was responsible for sending my own blood to PPVI, so I had called Fed Ex (and spoke to someone very helpful!). Sending one vial of blood on my own would've cost $70!!!! The lab that is taking my blood told me that I wouldn't be allowed to ship my own blood and that they have a corporate account with Fed Ex, so shipping would only be $25.
5. Speaking of money. Mr. JB got in touch with our money guy and we were able to access all of the funds, and a bit more, for my surgery. I have $7000 in the bank from my extra tutoring and my summer job. We had to pay a disbursement fee, but I'm glad that we didn't have to borrow it. It makes a dent in our savings (and our down payment fund), but I am not going to dwell on that. We are so blessed to make a very generous wage and we'll be able to build up our house fund soon enough. Also, the annoying neighbours moved out at the beginning of the month and life has gotten so much more pleasant.
6. I spoke to my teacher's union and got advice about my medical leave. I was worried because my school board has recently implemented an employee absence tracking service. When you reach a certain number of sick days you get called in and get reprimanded. Because I have a doctor's note for both my absences I won't be penalized by the program. My principal was concerned that I would have to take part in the "counseling" they give employees with too many absences. What a relief!
7. My class is nuts. I was blessed with two years of great classes, but these kids are giving me a run for my money. I've had to resort to tactics I used with older kids since the same primary discipline techniques I've used are not working. Let's just say that the third day of school I had to talk myself out of getting wine. Instead I waited until the next day, since I wasn't coming home from a yoga class. Part of me is relieved to take the time off since they are CRAZY!
8. I saw my Cranio Sacral Therapist today and she was doing a lot of work in my abdomen area and she broke through a couple of adhesions. I've been having quite a bit of pelvic pain (which has gotten worse with every cycle, thank God I am having surgery soon!) and she said that she felt quite a bit of scar tissue in my pelvis. I asked her if I had any infection issues and she didn't sense anything, but she said that I was high in metals and I had a virus of some sort. I told her I was convinced that Dr. H is going to find some sort of infection. She asked me how I knew and I told her that I just had a feeling. I am very in tune (almost too much in tune) with my body which isn't always a blessing.
9. I decided that I would tell my closer work colleagues about my surgery via e-mail. Rather than telling them in person (there's a group of four of them that I hang out with regularly), I'm going to send them a message while I'm with TCIE getting wanded. I'll send the message over Canadian Thanksgiving that way it'll give them the week to ask me any questions while I'm away then when I return we can hopefully get on with things. A big part of me know that I won't be able to tell them without getting upset, so it would be so much better for me emotionally AND if they have questions I can answer them in my own time (and hopefully via e-mail!). One of the girls is very pregnant and I don't want her to feel bad when she gets my news.
10. Despite all of the worrying I've been doing I have been feeling so much more positive. My massage therapist even said my jaw is doing so much better. My prayer buddy has been working overtime!!!!
11. Lastly, I want to pray a novena to prepare for my surgery. Does anyone out there have a suggestion?
2. I told my closest friend on my staff, M, about my surgery at lunch yesterday. We were on our way back to school and she asked me if there was anything new going on and I told her. She was so supportive and optimistic about the surgery's success. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. The next person I have to tell is my teaching partner, hopefully I can get that out of the way in the next couple of days.
3. Please pray for my friend M's family (yes, the M in #2). She got word this morning that her niece's boyfriend committed suicide and she was heartbroken. She left school as soon as she got the news, so I don't know all of the details. What I do know is that her niece was dating this boy for two years and that he was a lovely boy. Her niece is away at university so her dad (M's brother-in-law) went to console her while M and her husband went to her sister-in-law's work to break the news to her. I have personally known the darkness of depression, but I can't imagine how low this poor boy felt to end his life.
4. I have booked my day 5 ultrasound for Monday. There was no way I could get TCIE to do the baseline ultrasound, so I got the go ahead from my Napro doctor to get it done locally. I also spoke to the lab that will be taking my day 5 blood on Monday and they were so incredibly helpful. I had originally thought that I was responsible for sending my own blood to PPVI, so I had called Fed Ex (and spoke to someone very helpful!). Sending one vial of blood on my own would've cost $70!!!! The lab that is taking my blood told me that I wouldn't be allowed to ship my own blood and that they have a corporate account with Fed Ex, so shipping would only be $25.
5. Speaking of money. Mr. JB got in touch with our money guy and we were able to access all of the funds, and a bit more, for my surgery. I have $7000 in the bank from my extra tutoring and my summer job. We had to pay a disbursement fee, but I'm glad that we didn't have to borrow it. It makes a dent in our savings (and our down payment fund), but I am not going to dwell on that. We are so blessed to make a very generous wage and we'll be able to build up our house fund soon enough. Also, the annoying neighbours moved out at the beginning of the month and life has gotten so much more pleasant.
6. I spoke to my teacher's union and got advice about my medical leave. I was worried because my school board has recently implemented an employee absence tracking service. When you reach a certain number of sick days you get called in and get reprimanded. Because I have a doctor's note for both my absences I won't be penalized by the program. My principal was concerned that I would have to take part in the "counseling" they give employees with too many absences. What a relief!
7. My class is nuts. I was blessed with two years of great classes, but these kids are giving me a run for my money. I've had to resort to tactics I used with older kids since the same primary discipline techniques I've used are not working. Let's just say that the third day of school I had to talk myself out of getting wine. Instead I waited until the next day, since I wasn't coming home from a yoga class. Part of me is relieved to take the time off since they are CRAZY!
8. I saw my Cranio Sacral Therapist today and she was doing a lot of work in my abdomen area and she broke through a couple of adhesions. I've been having quite a bit of pelvic pain (which has gotten worse with every cycle, thank God I am having surgery soon!) and she said that she felt quite a bit of scar tissue in my pelvis. I asked her if I had any infection issues and she didn't sense anything, but she said that I was high in metals and I had a virus of some sort. I told her I was convinced that Dr. H is going to find some sort of infection. She asked me how I knew and I told her that I just had a feeling. I am very in tune (almost too much in tune) with my body which isn't always a blessing.
9. I decided that I would tell my closer work colleagues about my surgery via e-mail. Rather than telling them in person (there's a group of four of them that I hang out with regularly), I'm going to send them a message while I'm with TCIE getting wanded. I'll send the message over Canadian Thanksgiving that way it'll give them the week to ask me any questions while I'm away then when I return we can hopefully get on with things. A big part of me know that I won't be able to tell them without getting upset, so it would be so much better for me emotionally AND if they have questions I can answer them in my own time (and hopefully via e-mail!). One of the girls is very pregnant and I don't want her to feel bad when she gets my news.
10. Despite all of the worrying I've been doing I have been feeling so much more positive. My massage therapist even said my jaw is doing so much better. My prayer buddy has been working overtime!!!!
11. Lastly, I want to pray a novena to prepare for my surgery. Does anyone out there have a suggestion?
25 September 2011
4am
I am a champion sleeper.
That is, it seems as though I was a champion sleeper.
I have been waking around 4am every morning with worried thoughts going through my head. Yes, it is definitely explainable since I will be having surgery in about five weeks (I just had heart palpitations typing that). I'm not scared of having surgery, since Dr. H is going to fix my broken ladyparts, it's all the stuff leading up to the surgery.
You see, I haven't told anyone but my principal about my surgery. My teaching partner, my closest friends at school and most of the people closest to me don't even know.
I've been holding onto hope that I will miraculously fall pg this cycle, but we have to be realistic here. It's Peak +11 today and I'm expecting AF to arrive this week. TCIE and I have been planning my week-long stay to get wanded, which I am really excited about. It will be the longest period of time I have ever been away from Mr. JB, but I'm sure that TCIE is going to have lots of things to distract me with (and yes, the wanding and blood work, there's also that!).
I plan to call my union office tomorrow to get advice. My principal knows that I will be taking the time off in November, but the week off in October will come as a surprise (I already have a substitute lined up though). I also have my doctor's notes that justify my absences.
I know the biggest reason why I am so worried is that I have to come clean with so many people. I am going to tell my teaching partner and perhaps one of my closest colleagues (with the instruction that she tell my other friends). I really don't want to tell a whole bunch of people the same sad story.
I suffer from the sin of pride. I don't want their pity and I am not 100% comfortable with everyone knowing my business. I will have to explain why I am not going to be around for two months, or at least my friends will. I feel like I am finally admitting defeat by letting my friends in on my deep, dark secret of IF.
Yes, someone who has had thousands of visits to her blog, thinks that her IF is a secret.
Does anyone have any advice on how I should do my big "reveal?" I don't want to do something contrived and invite them all out and announce it. That would be so cheesy.
Prayer buddy, I'm in need of some big prayers this week. I need some courage, big time.
That is, it seems as though I was a champion sleeper.
I have been waking around 4am every morning with worried thoughts going through my head. Yes, it is definitely explainable since I will be having surgery in about five weeks (I just had heart palpitations typing that). I'm not scared of having surgery, since Dr. H is going to fix my broken ladyparts, it's all the stuff leading up to the surgery.
You see, I haven't told anyone but my principal about my surgery. My teaching partner, my closest friends at school and most of the people closest to me don't even know.
I've been holding onto hope that I will miraculously fall pg this cycle, but we have to be realistic here. It's Peak +11 today and I'm expecting AF to arrive this week. TCIE and I have been planning my week-long stay to get wanded, which I am really excited about. It will be the longest period of time I have ever been away from Mr. JB, but I'm sure that TCIE is going to have lots of things to distract me with (and yes, the wanding and blood work, there's also that!).
I plan to call my union office tomorrow to get advice. My principal knows that I will be taking the time off in November, but the week off in October will come as a surprise (I already have a substitute lined up though). I also have my doctor's notes that justify my absences.
I know the biggest reason why I am so worried is that I have to come clean with so many people. I am going to tell my teaching partner and perhaps one of my closest colleagues (with the instruction that she tell my other friends). I really don't want to tell a whole bunch of people the same sad story.
I suffer from the sin of pride. I don't want their pity and I am not 100% comfortable with everyone knowing my business. I will have to explain why I am not going to be around for two months, or at least my friends will. I feel like I am finally admitting defeat by letting my friends in on my deep, dark secret of IF.
Yes, someone who has had thousands of visits to her blog, thinks that her IF is a secret.
Does anyone have any advice on how I should do my big "reveal?" I don't want to do something contrived and invite them all out and announce it. That would be so cheesy.
Prayer buddy, I'm in need of some big prayers this week. I need some courage, big time.
11 September 2011
Remembering
It has been quite the day.
We decided to head to my FIL's house after mass so he didn't have to be alone today. He definitely is sad, but is so relieved that J's suffering is over. It seems like the funeral won't be until next week because her daughter-in-law had to go out of town on business. There is an outside chance that the funeral could be on Thursday (which would be preferable since my brother-in-law could help con-celebrate the mass, if the funeral does end up being next week he will be on a month-long silent retreat so he won't be able to get away).
The saddest I saw my FIL was when he was telling us that J is going to be cremated. Apparently this is going against her wishes, but her sons have decided that it is for the best. My FIL technically doesn't have any say about the funeral arrangements, and he recognizes that. He did take the opportunity to remind us that he does not under any circumstances want to be cremated (which we both already knew, apparently I am the only member of my family that wants to be!).
Please continue to pray for her and her family. It definitely wasn't a coincidence that today's homily was about forgiveness - something that I have been thinking about a lot this past week. The one thing that all of this has taught me, thus far, is that I need to appreciate my own mother more, despite how crazy she makes me.
---------------------------------------------------
I still can't believe that it is the tenth anniversary of 9/11. I have blogged about it before and I have tried to avoid the specials commemorating the terror attacks -- it was just too much with the stress of the past week. I spent this morning reading the paper and I was brought to tears more than once.
Perhaps it was because it was a melancholy day because of J's passing or perhaps it was because the weather was eerily similar to what it was ten years ago. Mr. JB and I were marveling at how beautiful it was today as we walked into church. He even went as far as saying that he hopes that every 9/11 anniversary has equally beautiful weather.
In the past ten years I have become so much more cynical, I know a large part of it is due to six years of IF, but before the attacks on the United States I lived in a happy, hopeful bubble. I believed that I lived in North America and therefore I would be safe at all times.
In the car on the way to my FIL's house Mr. JB was talking about the terrorists that had learned how to fly planes, but not land them. He went on to say that he thought it was strange that no one was suspicious about their strange behaviour. I told him that before 9/11 I had no idea that such evil could be on our side of the world. I believed that (almost) everyone had good intentions and that wars and terrorist attacks happened elsewhere. I thought that the world was ending, albeit for a brief period of time, as I saw the planes hit the World Trade Centre. If you asked me on 9/10/01 if I thought that the attacks were possible I would've told you in all certainty, no.
I think that 9/11 was my first real moment as an adult. I was already 26 years old and had lived abroad. I thought that I was worldly, but I wasn't always realistic about what the world was about.
I am also very far from the person was so quickly comforted by my dad.
"Nothing is going to happen to you. We live in Canada, we are safe. You can go to sleep now."
That night I went to sleep and woke up a grown up, and it's taken me ten years to realize it.
We decided to head to my FIL's house after mass so he didn't have to be alone today. He definitely is sad, but is so relieved that J's suffering is over. It seems like the funeral won't be until next week because her daughter-in-law had to go out of town on business. There is an outside chance that the funeral could be on Thursday (which would be preferable since my brother-in-law could help con-celebrate the mass, if the funeral does end up being next week he will be on a month-long silent retreat so he won't be able to get away).
The saddest I saw my FIL was when he was telling us that J is going to be cremated. Apparently this is going against her wishes, but her sons have decided that it is for the best. My FIL technically doesn't have any say about the funeral arrangements, and he recognizes that. He did take the opportunity to remind us that he does not under any circumstances want to be cremated (which we both already knew, apparently I am the only member of my family that wants to be!).
Please continue to pray for her and her family. It definitely wasn't a coincidence that today's homily was about forgiveness - something that I have been thinking about a lot this past week. The one thing that all of this has taught me, thus far, is that I need to appreciate my own mother more, despite how crazy she makes me.
---------------------------------------------------
I still can't believe that it is the tenth anniversary of 9/11. I have blogged about it before and I have tried to avoid the specials commemorating the terror attacks -- it was just too much with the stress of the past week. I spent this morning reading the paper and I was brought to tears more than once.
Perhaps it was because it was a melancholy day because of J's passing or perhaps it was because the weather was eerily similar to what it was ten years ago. Mr. JB and I were marveling at how beautiful it was today as we walked into church. He even went as far as saying that he hopes that every 9/11 anniversary has equally beautiful weather.
In the past ten years I have become so much more cynical, I know a large part of it is due to six years of IF, but before the attacks on the United States I lived in a happy, hopeful bubble. I believed that I lived in North America and therefore I would be safe at all times.
In the car on the way to my FIL's house Mr. JB was talking about the terrorists that had learned how to fly planes, but not land them. He went on to say that he thought it was strange that no one was suspicious about their strange behaviour. I told him that before 9/11 I had no idea that such evil could be on our side of the world. I believed that (almost) everyone had good intentions and that wars and terrorist attacks happened elsewhere. I thought that the world was ending, albeit for a brief period of time, as I saw the planes hit the World Trade Centre. If you asked me on 9/10/01 if I thought that the attacks were possible I would've told you in all certainty, no.
I think that 9/11 was my first real moment as an adult. I was already 26 years old and had lived abroad. I thought that I was worldly, but I wasn't always realistic about what the world was about.
I am also very far from the person was so quickly comforted by my dad.
"Nothing is going to happen to you. We live in Canada, we are safe. You can go to sleep now."
That night I went to sleep and woke up a grown up, and it's taken me ten years to realize it.
Rest in peace
My father-in-law's girlfriend passed away early this morning.
May she rest in peace.
Please keep her two sons and her three grandchildren in your prayers.
St. Joseph, pray for us.
May she rest in peace.
Please keep her two sons and her three grandchildren in your prayers.
St. Joseph, pray for us.
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