25 September 2011

4am

I am a champion sleeper.

That is, it seems as though I was a champion sleeper.

I have been waking around 4am every morning with worried thoughts going through my head. Yes, it is definitely explainable since I will be having surgery in about five weeks (I just had heart palpitations typing that). I'm not scared of having surgery, since Dr. H is going to fix my broken ladyparts, it's all the stuff leading up to the surgery.

You see, I haven't told anyone but my principal about my surgery. My teaching partner, my closest friends at school and most of the people closest to me don't even know.

I've been holding onto hope that I will miraculously fall pg this cycle, but we have to be realistic here. It's Peak +11 today and I'm expecting AF to arrive this week. TCIE and I have been planning my week-long stay to get wanded, which I am really excited about. It will be the longest period of time I have ever been away from Mr. JB, but I'm sure that TCIE is going to have lots of things to distract me with (and yes, the wanding and blood work, there's also that!).

I plan to call my union office tomorrow to get advice. My principal knows that I will be taking the time off in November, but the week off in October will come as a surprise (I already have a substitute lined up though). I also have my doctor's notes that justify my absences.

I know the biggest reason why I am so worried is that I have to come clean with so many people. I am going to tell my teaching partner and perhaps one of my closest colleagues (with the instruction that she tell my other friends). I really don't want to tell a whole bunch of people the same sad story.

I suffer from the sin of pride. I don't want their pity and I am not 100% comfortable with everyone knowing my business. I will have to explain why I am not going to be around for two months, or at least my friends will. I feel like I am finally admitting defeat by letting my friends in on my deep, dark secret of IF.

Yes, someone who has had thousands of visits to her blog, thinks that her IF is a secret.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should do my big "reveal?" I don't want to do something contrived and invite them all out and announce it. That would be so cheesy.

Prayer buddy, I'm in need of some big prayers this week. I need some courage, big time.

20 comments:

  1. Oh, that's so hard. I don't have any advice other than do it and speak from the heart. You will have a huge weight lifted once you have shared and hopefully you'll stop waking up at 4am. I'm praying for you to "be strong and courageous" (from Deuteronomy)and of course, for your surgery to be a huge success!

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  2. Couldn't you email everyone and not give full disclosure just tell them you are taking personal leave and would appreciate some privacy at this time. I am sure that would drive your colleagues mad with desire to know but at least you wouldn't have to their possibly intrusive questions.

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  3. That's true, you don't have to tell them all the details of your "secret". If you want to be vague, you can always just say you have painful periods and are getting endometriosis removed, that's pretty low-information AND true.
    About the pride thing though, I'm pretty sure that people will be nothing but supportive. When we finally told people we were getting surgery (which was like the day before we moved/left) most people were just too shocked to say any kickers, which was nice. I didn't want to have to deal with their "just relax comments" anyway. Also, I know this is probably not how you think of it or want to think of it, but it helped me to force myself to be humble, since yes, I can't make a baby on my own. The thing is none of us can, some people are just under the delusion that we can. One small positive glimmer in all this is that you can be the one to remind people that we're not in control and look how well you're still doing! They don't have to know all your deepest darkest moments of IF, but if they see you still trucking along and having faith, that is a a HUGE testimony. I wish you luck...I know for me it calmed my anxiety and really learn to offer it up and release it, but I know everyone handles these things differently. I am a pretty open person anyway.

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  4. You have already received some great advice! I remember having so many of your same emotions just a few weeks ago. I was able to do my "explaining" via e-mail. I kept it short and focused on the endometriosis aspect of my health. Most of my co-workers already know that we are waiting to adopt so I am sure they already put the pieces together. But, I controlled the amount of information I was comfortable sharing. I received so much support via e-mail and really felt at peace once I finally hit that "Send" button. I am sure face to face interaction will be tougher but I pray that you receive supportive comments. This is your health and your body....so only share what you feel comfortable with! My SIL still doesn't know all the details of my surgery, because I have a few reasons to not trust her. It is driving her crazy, but that is her problem not mine. One last thing...a few co-workers reached out about their own struggles with endo/IF. AND I loved having the opportunity to brag about Napro! Good luck this week. You are in my prayers.

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  5. i like the advice of speaking from the heart. I practiced coming up with two lines and sticking to them...for me, the more details I reveal the worst it is, I think something about endometriosis is good, whatever you come up with, make sure it is what you are comfortable with...you can even write it down.

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  6. I'm kind of along the same lines as Be Not Afraid - if you're not comfortable sharing this with colleagues, don't. No one really has the "right" to know - sure, they'll be curious, but many people take personal time off for health reasons and it's really not necessary for everyone to know the details. You can say that you'd appreciate their prayers and some privacy at this time.
    Whatever you decide, I pray that people will be supportive and not intrusive... and of course I'm praying for a successful surgery!! :)

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  7. I will be praying for you. To suddenly have the attention of all your peers over something like infertility is such a humiliating experience... but also such a great opportunity for you to find grace and peace. Allow yourself to go there - where you're most scared, because then you can truly see the love of Christ at work in your life as you come through it triumphantly :)

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  8. Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, I always just say Hail Mary's until I fall back asleep. That always does the trick. I know how you feel. I had my surgery in May and it was embarrassing for me to have to tell my male superiors, just god-awful embarrassing, but lo and behold, they were all supportive and one even shared his own IF experience and what he and his wife went through. So, you may never know how many other people are struggling and may open up when you share, and then you could tell them about NaPro. On the other hand, I don't think there's anything wrong with just telling them you're getting your endo treated. Either way, once you just say it, it will be over with. Oh, and how to inform people, I would just do it casually when you happen to be talking with them, and you can just say, "oh, by the way, I'll be having surgery on x, and so I'll be out for a while, and I'd really like you to pray for me if you could."

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  9. Share how much, or how little your comfortable with. A friend of mine recently took 2 weeks off work(it was stress leave, but she is also trying to get pregnant and working 14-18 hours each day). She told people, "I'm having a procedure", and nothing more. No one every asked any questions.

    But, you will be off for 2 months(wow- that's so great! Remember how long off I had after my surgery? 10 days in hospital and had to go to work the next day or get fired?), so you may want to explain more,

    My recommendations is sorta the opposite of everyone else, prepare answers in advance, know exactly what you want to say and sick with it, I never wanted to be gossip fodder, and knew I would be if I told everyone everything, so we talked it over and came up with what we wanted people to know,my husband actually told more people and his men colleagues were supportive(and many of them were infertile, so they could relate).

    Also prepare yourself for the "advice." of "just relax" and "just adopt" or "just do IVF". People say silly things, and if you have a standard response, it makes life easier.

    If you want to chat in person and bounce ideas off me I'm available, it'd hard to come out of the infertile closet, and sometimes it helps to practice your answers.

    Of course, this is just what works for me

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  10. This will seem better once it's done. Then you will look back and see how it wasn't so bad. This I think is unfortunately one of those things. As for 4am wake ups - this is a classic blood sugar thing - everything ok in that department? Wine really does it to me.

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  11. As if IF weren't hard enough! Ugh. I can totally understand why you would be stressed out about this.
    It really is none of anyone's business, and yet you find yourself having to tell all these people things you'd rather not share!! (and things which probably lead to questions you'd rather not answer!) I don't think its prideful of you, actually. Its just a private matter.

    My only thought is just to keep it short and sweet: "I am having surgery and need the time to recover." (it doesn't matter what kind of surgery it is!)
    I think most people know that asking questions like, "What kind of surgery?" is just not appropriate.

    Praying for you as always. Cannot WAIT for that post-op post when you are on the road to recovery!!!!!!!!!

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  12. There's something extra tough about the "big reveal" in a professional setting imo. I tend to be an open book until it comes to a) family and b) work. You've already got some great advice, and I agree that it will likely be a relief once people know a little more of what's going on and you just never know how many others are suffering in silence with a similar issue! Just the other day, my dental hygienist started talking about her own struggles after I alluded to ours! I also agree that preparing a few answers ahead of time to the potential "curve ball" comments may help relieve stress (like one person wanted to know if we were doing IVF, etc). Praying for you! (And how cool that you get to take a week and hang with TCIE. :)).

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  13. Looking at it as someone who could be a co-worker, I think that Matching Moonheads advice ("If you want to be vague, you can always just say you have painful periods and are getting endometriosis removed, that's pretty low-information AND true.") would be the best one IF what you wanted most of all was to 1) let it be known that you're going to be out for a while, 2) give enough info so that people don't start speculating about crazy things, and 3) begin to allude to infertility trouble so that in the spring when you return, things make more sense if/when you become pregnant quickly!

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  14. I am no help here, because our friends/family are all Catholic and knew we had to reason to practice NFP they just knew we were having issues so I've never been in a situation where I had to "come clean" well unless to count total strangers and their questions....but that's different :) I WILL be praying for you though has you go through all that.

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  15. I agree with the other ladies, by emailing to a majority of your co-workers, you can control what you say. Some, of course, will have questions, but you can give the endometriosis info.
    The one nice thing about sharing that you are struggling with infertility is the fact that people open up to you about their own infertility struggles. I'd hid all my struggles from my aunts/uncles/cousins (I'm sure some suspected something was up), but I found out that many of them had infertility struggles as well.
    Unfortunately, infertility seems to be becoming to be a common disease. :(
    Prayers for you in your decision to tell!

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  16. Oh goodness. I don't know where to start...
    Having to "out" ourselves, especially when we don't feel quite ready, can be tough. I think that once all is said and done you will feel better...no more hiding the fact that you desire a family, but it just hasn't happened yet.

    I can relate to the whole, telling people and feeling like they will feel sorry for you or whatnot...I hate that feeling on top of the IF struggles. BUT more times than less, for me, I have found that people just say they will pray for me and not bring it up unless I do...which isn't often!

    Anyways, you are most definitely in my prayers. I hope that your anxiety eases and you are able to find peace and HOPEFUL anticipation for this surgery with Dr. H.

    You are a strong woman! Don't forget that!

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  17. I hate discussing my IF with anyone, let alone professional colleagues. I tend to think that if you aren't nuts about sharing the nitty-gritty details...don't! I like LH's line about having surgery and needing time to recover. Short and simple. If you want to, you can add that it's for endo/pain but leave it at that. Any more details simply aren't socially necessary.

    I'm excited for you that you are finally going under the knife with Dr. H! And for your wanding with TCIE! ;)

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  18. All you need to say is that you're having surgery. No one needs to know why and you can easily answer, "I don't feel comfortable talking about it." That's it. Anyone with sense will no that you don't want to explain, and those without sense will just need it repeated.

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  19. I can completely understand the horror and frustration of having to tell people something so personal that you don't even want to say out loud. Been there. But, really once you tell those that will genuinely care (I would hold back from those co-workers that aren't really on a need to know basis), you will find healing. You will surprise youself and you can't imagine the weight that will be lifted off.
    Don't you work at a Catholic school? If they inquire more, tell them to pray for you. Once we opened up and had more people praying for us, things moved faster. It was good.
    And hey, at least you don't have to tell people that you are going away for 10 days to get ridd of an STD. ;)

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  20. I would think focusing on the endo part would make sense, too. Most people know someone who's had it, so that would make it not so foreign to them. And, while I've been very public about IF socially, and at school, I've talked about it very little at work - that would just seem weird :). But I think that, if we're all witnesses of the value of being open to life, then giving people a tiny clue (they know how long you've been married, and that you love kids, and they can google endometriosis) might actually be a valuable witness. I tend to think that the alternative - that we've been contracepting all these years - is something I'd less rather have people think about me. Then again, maybe the people around you are not so nosy and always forming conclusions about other people's lives :).

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