Insert sigh of relief here

My yoga retreat was exactly what I needed. I was able to eat everything, and with abandon I might add (I wept tears of joy in front of my friends at lunch today because I was so overcome with joy at the food! It is very rare that I don't worry about eating when I'm away, so the tears shed were a true expression of happiness).

Only three of us weren't trained yoga teachers so I was a bit intimidated, particularly since I am not as fit as I was before my surgeries. We did a two and a half hour led class yesterday and it was amazing. I wasn't able to do a few of the postures, but I felt such a sense of accomplishment.

I was able to get some good prayer time in as well. I ate too much at lunch yesterday so I took a walk by myself and prayed the rosary and this morning while in a restorative pose I listened to the rosary on my iPhone. I am so glad that I have found creative ways to incorporate prayer into my yoga!

This weekend I prayed mostly to have a open heart. I have been focusing so much on what I don't have that I've failed to see all the blessings that I have now. Surrender is something that my (non-Catholic) yoga teachers talk about in class -- particularly when talking about being frustrated with your body, and we all know that I have many bones to pick with mine! I have to trust in the Lord's divine plan for me. I can't coerce or force my wants and desires from Him.

There is a beautiful wall hanging in the practice room at the retreat and the words ring so true:

In the end what matters is
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let it go

I needed to be reminded of this, and I definitely need to let my anger go.

I hope that I can hold onto this feeling of calm that I have in my heart. I may have to bookmark my own post as a reminder!

Trying to find peace in my downward dog

Or pigeon pose. Or backbends (which make me very nervous, but I'm trying to work through that). Or even child's pose.

I forced myself to stop feeling sorry for myself last night and this evening and I went to class. Both were hard, but I'm so glad that I did it. I know that lack of exercise always messes up my head.

Before class tonight, the teacher and I were talking about the real estate market. She's been trying to sell her place privately for a while, and we all know about my recent real estate woes. J said that perhaps I needed to be more open to the possibilities. Perhaps we're just not meant to move -- trust me, the thought has crossed my mind. We have enough saved up for an international adoption or a down payment, but not both.

Sometimes the many choices paralyze me.

This weekend I'm heading to a yoga retreat with my lovely yoga friends. I'm going to eat vegan food, go on hikes and practice. I'm also going to take time to be quiet with my thoughts and pray. I've let my mind get to cluttered with my life and I need to sit still and pause. I hate to be away from Mr. JB, but I know that I need some time to be alone as well.

I also know that I need to sit with the sadness that has been taking over. I've tried too long to push it away and I am certain that is why it has become so overwhelming.

I will keep all of you in my prayers. I wish that I could take you all with me!

I surrender

I can't take it anymore.

I think that I have reached the sum total of all the disappointment that I can handle. I'm full up, in fact I am overflowing.

No, nothing else happened. Nothing has changed. I just feel so heavy with sadness.

I was trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me this afternoon. I was tired, which is normal, but, I feel like I have a huge weight on my body that I just can't shake.

And let me tell you, giving myself permission to be angry at God hasn't helped at all. I think that it's made it worse.

Perhaps I'm lacking endorphins. Or perhaps I shouldn't have skipped yoga last night. Maybe it's the barometric pressure.

Or maybe it's five and a half years of IF that have dragged me to this point.

What do you think?

I'm hoping that the potato mushroom soup that I made is going to help ease a bit of the doldrums, or at least it will be a tasty distraction.

Dear Prayer Buddy, I'm making you work overtime! I'm sorry!

In-car Catharsis

First off, my Napro-trained naturopath is a total rock star. Not literally a rock star, but she is nonetheless awesome. Not only is she helping my wonky-ass hormones get on track, but she's doubled as an amazing therapist and cheerleader (I guess, that means she's a triple threat, if you're counting).

During our visit today Dr. Nora and I discussed letting go. She described my speaking style (which isn't the case in my "real", non-IF related life) as halting. And that's when I told her that I try so hard to hold it together, particularly in the face of those that know about my IF struggles. It isn't a surprise after five an a half years of monthly disappointment that I am upset. Heck, I am p*ssed off. Royally.

That's when Dr. Nora told me that it's okay to be angry at God.

"Whoa. That's nuts!" I told her. "I didn't know that I could be angry at the Lord!"

And that's when she quoted something very eloquently from the Bible (but because I have a strange memory I can't recall what the passage was), but the gist of what she was trying to tell me was that it was okay to be angry at God. Apparently He likes it when we're not being tepid followers. My anger is a signal to heaven that I am engaged in my faith and that I'm being an active participant.

A novel idea that I need time to wrap my head around. I've always thought that I was supposed to be obedient, at all times.

So there Lord, I'm angry. I'm p*ssed off. I'm so engaged in my faith that I am Greco-Roman wrestling with it on the floor. And I have no idea who is winning.

I also told Dr. Nora that I have a daily struggle with surrender and trust. As a type-A infertile who is obsessively task and list-oriented, it kills me that I can't check off "get pregnant" from my spiritual to-do list. My body is seemingly doing the right thing, my chart looks FABULOUS, I even have three "battle" scars from my surgeries, but I have NOTHING to show for it (well, except for a vast network of IF women and a fruitful blog, but please don't take this the wrong way, but I wish that I didn't know all of you, instead I wish that we all wrote tired mommy blogs).

The wisest advice that I gleaned today was that I need to be able to let go. I am so afraid of letting tears or anger come. I fear so much that if I start crying that I will not be able to stop. I give myself a few minutes here and there, but I haven't had a full-on cry in a LONG time. So of course, as I was driving home I broke down. I cried huge, ugly tears pretty much to my front door. I did feel better, but I know that there's more where they came from.

So before I get too deep or stop making sense I'm going to pour myself another glass of wine. I think that I've had a few too many revelations for a Monday night!

Dealing with Disappointment *Updated

Yesterday was not a good day.

I couldn't shake the feel-me-sorries, regardless of how much I tried. Mr. JB, the patient man that he is, reminded me that we will find our house and that it just wasn't meant to be. We also talked about a couple of things that we didn't like about the house, mainly the fact that it backed onto a service road and that it was quite the walk to our parish (and the school that our kids would go to).

And most of all, we're glad that we didn't stretch ourselves financially for a house that wasn't 100% perfect.

We are so blessed to have a real estate agent that treats us like his family. There was no way that he was going to let us pay more than what the house was worth and we know that he was an amazing negotiator. It seems like he's just as disappointed as we are!

The best thing that has come out of this experience is that we know what we need to do to get our house ready. We've decided to repaint our ugly kitchen cabinets rather than replace them. H (our agent) and his girlfriend even offered to help us! Now that's full service!!!

I know that IF has taught me how to deal with disappointment and that after five and a half years, I have had my share. And I know when life events, like not getting a house that we both loved, are things that happen. My sadness gets amplified to ridiculous proportions because of the daily struggle of IF. I do believe in my heart that we will find the perfect "forever house"  -- I believe that more than I believe that I will have a biological child (yes, I am admitting that).

We are stepping up prayers to St. Joseph and to St. Anthony (we saw he relics yesterday and I left intentions for all of my IF friends who are praying to conceive). I just hope that the people that got the house will love it as much as we would have. I hope that their family is happy in their new home, because I know we would've been happy living there!

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Update: Our real estate agent just BBM'ed Mr. JB and told him that the house sold for $510 000, but with no conditions. I am disappointed that it wasn't a money issue (since that was our top offer), but there is no way that we would've bought a forty year old house without a home inspection!

We know now that we have to get our financial ducks in a row before we put another offer on a house. That, in itself, will help with my level of sanity. I have a vague idea of how much our financial life will change with a bigger mortgage, but I want to see it in black and white!

Pins and needles! *Updated :(

I should've known that this wasn't going to be easy...

So there's at least one other offer on the house. And we know that it is above the asking price.

Our real estate agent is going to be by soon so we can sign our last and best offer -- $510 000.

We are prepared to spend more than a half a million dollars on our home.

So nuts.

The selling agent seems like she wants a bidding war which is the last thing I wanted. Our agent does not want us to spend more than $510 000 since he believes that the house isn't worth more than that. I suggested writing a letter explaining that we are going to love the house and raise our family there, but he said that it all comes down to money.

Please keep the prayers coming!

St. Joseph and St. Rose of Lima, pray for us!!!!

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Update: So our offer expired at 8pm and our agent hasn't heard a peep from the listing agent. Looks like the sellers are going with another offer.

I'm so sad, but on the other hand I am glad that we didn't get into a bidding war. We were firm on our offer and we weren't going to stretch ourselves to get this house.

Mr. JB said that he's glad that we went through this experience. We know what we have to do to get our house ready and we have the money secured for the deposit when needed.

So now we wait. And we all know that I have a lot of practice in the waiting department.

Thanks for the prayers! (Btw, prayer buddy, you've done an amazing job thus far! Keep those prayers coming!!!!)

St. Joseph, Pray For Us!!!!! *UPDATED

I really hope that our luck is turning around.

I got the listing for the perfect house this morning (our agent has us set up to receive automatic listing from MLS). I yelped for joy when and Mr. JB thought that that I was losing my mind.

Mr. JB called our agent when he got to school and the ball got rolling very quickly. H, our agent, got in touch with the seller's agent and he even got into look at the house. Then he called Mr. JB back and said that he was writing up an offer since the house was that good. H sold us the townhouse that we live in now and he knows how particular I am (he's tried to show us other houses that weren't in our target area and I told him absolutely not).


The house is in our price range. It has three bedrooms. A beautiful backyard AND a hot tub. And, my biggest wish: a two car garage.

It is a family home, without the stress of condo boards and attached neighbours.

Do you think that it's a coincidence that I dug up the adoption paperwork yesterday and then this house came up in the listings?

So, if you have a prayer to spare for us tonight, could you say one to St. Joseph for us? And it wouldn't hurt to say a little one to St. Rose of Lima (who is my patron saint for 2011).

I really hope that our luck is changing, but I also know that a house this good is going to attract more than us. We also have to find $10 000 to secure the house if the sellers accept our offer. We have the money, but it may be difficult to access it all in the time frame that we have. 

St. Joseph, pray for us!!!

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Update: Of course, this had to go down with some drama!

The seller's agent didn't have her pager on she she didn't know that we were putting an offer in. While our agent was trying to get a hold of her, another offer was put in. Our agent had us increase our offer to asking -- $499 800. Our original offer was $490 000. Our only conditions are financing and a home inspection.

Mr. JB secured a loan for the $10 000 with our bank -- and it was surprisingly easy.

So our agent won't be able to present our offer until tomorrow. I hope that is early enough in the day so I won't be on pins and needles. This current offer expires at 8pm tomorrow.

Keep those prayers coming! I want this house!!!!

Did I mention that I really want a boring life?

There are many reasons why I want a new house.

Not only do I want more space and I can't stand the loud neighbours to the left of us, but I have been dealing with being on the board of directors with the most unbearable women in my life.

I thought that the THREE hour meeting last night took the cake. Unfortunately it got worse.

Our property manager and I have a very good rapport. I think that she's very knowledgeable and professional. The two other board members don't agree with me. Before our meeting last night the manager and I had an off the record conversation about Yv, who is the biggest pain in the you know where. After the marathon meeting, E, the manager and I commiserated about how frustrated we were since Yv and I (who is new to the board and who is in obvious cahoots with Yv) were so unbearably obnoxious.

Both conversations were in strictest confidence and off the record.

Then I got this e-mail that was carbon copied to ALL of the BOD:

Last night the two of them, Yv and I have nearly killed me [E]. You cannot even imagine of what I went through last night with these two. The third board member, JB, told me in confidence that she is moving, because she cannot stand Yv and now her new partner I.
 
I almost threw up when I read her e-mail. 

I know that I should not have gossiped. I know that I am in the wrong, but I am human and I have many faults. It amazes me that I didn't kick these women out of my house last night since they had no regard for the late hour, nor their disrespectful tone.

And btw, I was also "ousted" as president, which I was more than happy to pass over to Yv.

Mr. JB has wanted me to quit for quite some time. Since Yv joined the BOD she's made a once pleasant job, the biggest chore. What I'm most afraid of is that no one else will want to volunteer to join. Yv's ridiculous behaviour scared away one of our neighbours (who was interested in joining) when he came to a meeting in the fall.

I wish that I didn't care so much. I know that these two ridiculous women are going to spend all of the money that the corporation has without regard to what the residents want.

Have I mentioned that I really want to move? The biggest problem is that all the houses that are for sale in my neighbourhood are $700 000!!!

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And don't worry, I haven't forgotten that this is an IF blog.

It's Peak +15 today and it looks like AF has started. How flipping fantastic.

But in other news, I have the Ch.ildren's A.id So.ciety adoption information beside me. I feel more than a little overwhelmed. I forgot how extensive the application was.

Baby steps, right?

Quickie Check In

It's amazing that after a week away that I feel like I haven't had a vacation at all.

And it's only Tuesday.

What I do know is that more than IF is getting me closer to heaven -- my thankless condo board of directors position and my after school tutoring job. My prayer buddy is hopefully benefiting from all of this stress!

I am so thankful that it's finally spring (although we're supposed to get a ton of snow tomorrow, yay Canada!). Hopefully the doldrums of winter and all the associated drama seems to have blown over.

I promise a post about our trip very soon. I just need a good night's sleep so I can get my thoughts together!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

This is definitely the warmest St. Patrick Day that we have ever had!

The D.ominican Re.public has been amazing! We've had beautiful weather, the food has been great and I am getting the rest that I craved.

I'm taking my daily walks and praying the rosary along the beach -- definitely the most scenic praying that I have ever done!

Although I miss the blogs, this time away has been good for my brain.

Just a few more days, then we're back to reality.

Hugs and kisses to all of you!