Get me outta here!

I have the pre-flying jitters. Flying doesn't make me nervous, but the anticipation of getting to the airport, going through security and then getting on the plane drive me around the bend! I checked in online last night and we have seats, so hopefully we won't have a repeat of what happened last March Break).

I need this vacation SO bad. Mental and physical exhaustion are not a good combination. I can only imagine what state I would be in if I wasn't on H.yrdocort!

So the computer is staying home, but my i.Phone is coming with me. I know that there's an Internet cafe at the resort so if I need a blogging fix (and not FB since I gave it up for Lent, and man I am going through some crazy withdrawal!) I can log on. I'm so happy that our report card schedule changed so I don't have to worry about getting that sort of stuff done over the break, a first in nine years!

So I'm going to praying for all of you on the beach. The Rosary ap is on my phone and ready for action. We were so tired last night that I just played it before we went to sleep and it was so nice! Hopefully my Lenten prayer buddy will benefit from all of the relaxation that I will be sending her from the Caribbean!

p.s. We called the airline last night and they were so helpful. I'm flying with a prescription from my doctor with the well-labeled box of HCG. I joked yesterday that I should tell the security people that I'm a body builder, but I don't think they would believe me! For those of you that have met me in real life, you know that I definitely don't look like body builder material!

Two more sleeps & A question only an IF girl can ask

I can almost smell the beach!

After a long, cold winter (which I'm sure will give us at least one more blast before spring, I do live in Canada after all!) Mr. JB and I are leaving for the D.ominican Re.public on Saturday. We've never gone to an all-inclusive resort before, but I think it is exactly what I need to get myself back on track.

I realize that most working people have only a few weeks of vacation per year and I admire each and every one of you that do, but since working most of last summer I am exhausted! I was wondering why I was feeling so miserable and I know it's because I haven't had a proper break. I'm trying not to worry about what we could've used the money that we spent on (hmm, like the kitchen renovation we want to do, or perhaps replacing the gross carpet we have upstairs...) and I'm trying to focus on appreciating the fact that we are going to go somewhere where the main focus is doing nothing.

I know that it may not come as a surprise, but I'm not good at doing nothing.

I have quite a few books, my i.Pod loaded with music and quite the sleep debt that I need to take care of, so at least I have some "projects" while I soak in that vitamin D!

I'm so glad that we're going away early on in the Lenten season. I already have visions of myself getting some good prayer time while taking walks on the beach. There's also a fitness facility where I'm sure I will get some good praying done while on the Stair.Master (yes, I love that machine, am I strange?).

I could feel my mood lifting today and I could sense my class was calmer because I wasn't acting all stressed out. After the craziness of last week the kids have remembered how to behave and we had no visits with the principal. I'm hoping that we can cruise to the end of June with good behaviour!

And now for my question: I knew that I couldn't leave IF at home and I will have to do my HCG injections while we're away. My body cooperated by Peaking a little later (gotta love late ovulation!) and it will be Peak +3 on Saturday. I'm thinking that I'm going to wait until P +4 to start the injections since I don't want to travel with an open vial of medication.

I have never traveled with syringes before and I'm a little concerned about what will happen when we go through the checks at the airport. I'm already picturing my bag being checked thoroughly and having to explain that I'm infertile and that's why I have the drug paraphernalia. I definitely don't want to put the HCG in my suitcase just in case my luggage gets lost. Do any of you have any advice? Should I bring my prescription or will the labeled box of HCG be enough?

Thanks in advance!

Mardi Gras Tout le Monde!

I'm so pumped for Lent to start!

I feel like I need to overhaul my soul, big time. It isn't a secret that I've had a tough start to 2011. I had a feeling that this year was going to turn my life upside down, but I didn't realize that so many things around me would cause me feel like I was in some strange alternate universe. Too much family drama, death, and of course the ugliness of IF jealousy (I have a post coming about that, don't you worry!) has been too big a part of my life.

I can't wait for vacation next week, but I'm ready to take this time and work on me. My prayer life has suffered and I have been so unfocused (I can feel it at work and I know that I'm not giving it my 100%). I'm going to spring clean my soul!

So here's what I'm going to do:

1) I'm giving up Face.book.* I'm obsessed with it and I know that it isn't a healthy relationship. Seems like more than one person I know is going to do it too (Hi Sew!) and I'm stealing their profile picture!

2) I'm also giving up Pe.rez Hil.ton.* Yes, I admit it. I am addicted to celebrity gossip. It's a sad, sad thing, but I can't look away!

3) I'm going to meditate before I go to bed. I took a meditation workshop in the fall and it was part of my homework. I was a happier person when I meditated regularly.

4) No pop (but I haven't really had any since January 1st).

5) No checking the blogs at work (in my attempt to be more focused on my job).

6) No more Star.bucks. I'm an addict. I salivate when I drive by. It's wrong wrong wrong.

* I'm deleting the applications from my i.Phone. I know if the aps are there I will be too tempted!

So there you go. Let's see what kind of insights I'm going to learn in the next four days!

p.s. Prayer Buddy, I'm gonna pray my buns of for you!!! 

Should've left well enough alone! HELP! *Updated -- Problem solved!

I was tinkering with my blog design and now all of my followers have disappeared (for only the Mac users out there only, I believe. Is this a conspiracy???)

I didn't do anything to change my follower settings so I don't know what I've done! Does anyone know how to fix that? Or can you girls see it and it's just invisible to me for some odd reason.

Also, I've been trying to add the button that Chasing Joy made, but I can't figure out how to do it.  I figured out how to do this. Thanks for the tip Matching Moonheads!

Help my bloggy friends!

 Thanks in advance!

------------------------------------------------

I guess I wasn't the only one with the problem yesterday! It's all fixed! Yay!

...and God laughed

I can't remember which Catholic IF blog I read this quote, "I made plans, but then God laughed."

It's been stuck in my head ever since I read it! Before I continue, if I stole this from from you please let me know so I can give you credit!

I've had more than one instance in the past week where I know that the Lord is chuckling because of me, and don't worry, now that I have had some distance from the happenings of my life, I think it's pretty funny too.

So the little girl in my class has continued to make life interesting. The principal caught her giving the middle finger and calling kids a$$holes at recess. She was sent to the office and got quite the talking to. My boss is pretty scary when he's angry and the kid peed herself because she was so afraid. Lucky for me, the principal is taking care of the situation with the parents since her behaviours are now getting worse when she's outside of the classroom. It has been so long since I've had a student that was this disruptive and I'm a little out of practice. I feel so bad for the rest of my class because they try so hard to be good and want to learn and because of one student's actions their learning is being affected.

I definitely felt like I earned every penny of my salary last week!

On Friday afternoon Mr. JB got a call from his cousin -- yes, the one of the scandalous wedding -- and he was asked to be the baby's godfather. He was so touched that he got teary eyed on the phone. I have mixed feelings about it, but it's only because I am so incredibly jealous that they have a baby (it's the getting pregnant by accident that I can't get over, that and the fact that I have been infertile for longer than this couple has known one another). I know that the Lord has put this situation in our laps because I have to deal with this.

I'm thinking that I'm going to need therapy or a labotomy before the baptism in May.

[sigh]

I saw Dr. Nora last Monday and we had a great visit. She didn't have my bloodwork results from Dr. T (not a surprise since Dr. T's office is a bit crazy) so we ended up talking more about my feelings. I told her that I was having an exceptionally hard time with my IF as of late. I told her about my maid of honour  and she wants me to educate her about NFP and Napro (she was concerned about my MOH's IUD usage in the past). I have no idea how I'm going to broach the subject with her, but Dr. Nora thinks that I need to build bridges with people that are ignorant about family planning alternatives. I can't even let myself think about how to do this since I have pre-March Break brain fatigue.

Speaking about the March Break. We leave in less than a week. I can't wait to get on that plane! We went shopping on Friday night and I was a mess. I hate bathing suit shopping with a passion. I have some ridiculous body issues (it may have something to do with my mother calling me fat my entire life, I know that I'm not, but our brains do bad things to our perceptions) and I dreaded the trip to the mall all week. It was the first time since my surgeries that I was faced with the fact that I can't wear certain suits because of my scars. I was never a fan of the bikini (I don't walk around in my underwear, so why would I walk around in one????) and I own a few cute tankinis. I found some cute tops, but when I found the matching bottoms I couldn't get them because they were cut so low.

I hated being reminded of my IF at a time when I was already so upset.

I know that the fertility drugs have done a number on my body and also I am over 35 (ouch, typing that was a bit painful). I also don't work out like a maniac -- which I did in my 20's. There were a few dressing rooms where I wanted to cry. I wish that my weight gain was from being pg, and not from years of IF, but I guess that goes without saying.

Lastly, my body is being super weird. I think that I ovulated around Day 13 which is four days earlier than I usually do. I had almost no fertile CM (a day and a half of 10KL, usually I have four or five days, I have fantastic mucus scores and I have since my second surgery).  I will have this weirdness to blame for a bust cycle.

I can't believe that this time next week we will be somewhere nice and hot! We had a few mild days then we got a huge dumping of snow last night. I am so sick of the winter! I need this vacation to help preserve my sanity.

Only six more sleeps....

I hate my GP and other reasons why this day sucked

This day was the W.O.R.S.T.

I want to go to bed just so it could be over.

So, I am not dying, nor do I have anything serious to worry about. Apparently I have low HDL cholesterol and that's why I was called in to see the doctor. My levels are 1.16 mmol/L which is on the lower end of the range. When I went to Dr. Google it said that having low HDL can lead to heart disease. I also read that stress and anxiety can lower HDL levels -- and yes, I may be a little stressed (stupid January and February).

Because I am one of those typically polite Canadians I left the doctor's office without letting on that I was absolutely livid. I wish that the receptionist told me that the doctor wanted to see me, but it wasn't urgent. I spent two days worried out of my skull. It also doesn't help that my GP is the one that brushed my painful periods aside as well as the ovarian cysts and the mid-cycle bleeding. I am so thankful for my Napro doctor since she is at least competent!

Argh.

Three other reasons why my day sucked:

1) I got quite the letter from one of the mothers in my class. Her daughter kicked FOUR boys in their private areas during lunch recess. The teacher on duty told me what had happened and at the next recess I took the little girl to the office to talk to the vice principal. It obviously wasn't an accident since she kicked four boys and not one.

The mother basically told me that it was my fault that her child is acting out and that she had none of these problems at her previous school (which I am certain that it isn't the case since I read her file!). I have hard time believing that a child that lashes out physically to this degree has not had problems before. Needless to say, I have to have a meeting with the VP and this mother to get to the bottom of it all.

Btw, the mom mentioned that she suspects that her child has ADD or ADHD at our recent parent-teacher interviews, which totally explains why the kid can't do any work unsupervised. She spends more time rolling on the floor than she does actually doing any work. If I knew in October when she moved to my school I would've been able to have some strategies in place!

Also, the kid mentioned that her mom had a few miscarriages before she was born. Not only am I dealing with a mother in denial, but I'm also dealing a woman that has dealt with IF and who's kid is a mess!

2) I signed up to do extra after school tutoring to help improve our grade three testing scores. My colleague and I have twenty kids between the two of us, but it felt like there were 60 students! A few of the students are absolutely bonkers! I was trying to read a story to the group and it took almost 45 minutes to get through it because the kids were nuts! It is going to be the hardest earned $1500 I will ever earn!

3) My dad is supposed to retire on Thursday and I found out that he's planning to continue work. He has been talking about retiring for the past year and I thought that he was so excited. I am so disappointed that he isn't going to take the time off and relax. Mr. JB said that he's certain that my dad didn't want to tell me because I would be upset, which I am. 

Needless to say on my way home I stopped and got some wine.

Thank you so much for your prayers. When I'm not so darned grumpy I'll tell you all about my appointment with Dr. Nora.

Tomorrow can't come fast enough.

I don't need to worry, right?

Okay, so I'm a bit of a worrywart.

Well, I'm A LOT of a worrywart.

[I'm also not a very good liar]

My GP, yes the one I don't like, wants to see me. I had my annual physical on the 15th and she's obviously found something that she didn't like.

Really, what else can be wrong with me? I'm already infertile, have had two surgeries, have numerous allergies and ulcerative colitis and am asthmatic.

She found something strange with my blood work last year (although I can't remember what it was for the life of me, but it obviously wasn't that big of a deal since I can't even recall the problem!) and I had to repeat my blood test.

My blood pressure is fine and I'm certain that my EKG was fine.

My appointment is at 5:30pm. Could you please say a little prayer for me?
 
I so need a drama-less March. Please Lord, let this be the last stressful thing for a while!

p.s. Hebrews is having surgery tomorrow, please say even bigger prayers for her!

p.p.s. I saw Dr. Nora today and we had a long chat about coming out of the IF closet. More about that after my doctor's appointment!

Coming Clean

Yesterday was a good day.

And Lord knows, I've needed one to come along for a while!

I am very lucky to have a group of women that I meet up with on a regular basis for IF support -- yet another wonderful thing to come from the blogs! Although we are all on different paths to growing our families, we are able to share our stories and our pain (and we all know how much pain is involved with IF!).

As I was driving to my next rendez vous -- where I was going to be the only person that was childless -- I turned on my Rosary application on my trusty i.Phone and prayed my way to my destination. I knew that I would need strength since Mr. JB (he's away on a boys weekend) was not going to be with me at the dinner party and because I knew that there would be PLENTY of baby talk.

I was glad that I had quite a long time in the car, thanks to traffic and snow, to get my head together. I always seem to have my best talks with God while I'm driving. I have been praying for discernment and for clarity at our particular fork in the road and I have been so frustrated at the lack of answers.

Then it came to me.

I need to start telling people about my IF. I need to come clean.

Now that we're getting closer to starting the adoption process, I have to start telling people.

We have told a few friends, but I have been so private in my real life, which is funny since I have a blog that anyone can look at. I know that I'm getting tired of living a double life.

So how do I do it? Do I send out a mass e-mail? Post it as a Face.book status? Invite the people I want to tell to dinner?

How did you tell your friends and loved ones? What was their reaction?

I'm absolutely petrified to do this, but I know that this is something that I have to do. I feel like I'm drowning in secrecy, and I'm tired of the charade.

JellyBelly in flux

I have had so many blog posts percolating in my head and just now, while enjoying my gluten-free bagel, I had a thought.

I have been struggling so much because I want so badly to find a solution to my sadness. I want an out. I want something concrete to hold onto.

This is not the lesson that I'm supposed to learn from this particular point in my struggle.

Yes,  it is definitely easier said than done, but I think I may be onto something here.

I'm a fixer. I like to find solutions to problems. Heck, my job is a daily journey in finding solutions to how to deal with 19 crazy seven year olds.

I know that I'm looking down a path with a serious fork in the road I know that it is fear that is keeping me from moving forward. I also know that I have put up every road block in our journey towards adoption.

I don't sit far from where the large, brown envelope with the paperwork for Child.ren's Aid is hiding. I can almost hear it talking to me.

"JellyBelly, what are you waiting for? Why have I been sitting here in this basket for a year? Just fill me out already!"

So many of you have given me the gentle encouragement that we should just start the process, just so we can have something other than my broken body to focus on. It would make so much sense to pursue public adoption while waiting to see if surgery in Omaha is an actual possibility (although Mr. JB doesn't think that it's going to be needed, sometimes it is so tough to live with an eternal optimist!).

Perhaps giving myself an end date was the wrong way to approach my IF. I do work well with deadlines, but in this case, I need to be more forgiving to myself. The self-blame has been tough to take, and I'm the one responsible for all of it!

So, I'm going to try and give myself permission to take a mental break. We leave for our resort vacation in two weeks. I don't need to make any decisions before then. For now, I'm going to try to muddle through my life without having a breakdown.

How does that sound to all of you?
 

And here we are again...

CD1

Part of me is so relieved since I was feeling like an out of control, hormonal maniac.

But most of all I feel sad.

And disappointed.

I know that something needs to change, but I feel like I'm stuck in the hamster wheel of TTC. I'm petrified of starting the adoption process. I'm scared to stop trying. And I know that pretending that living life without children is not an option.

I wish that someone would just make the decision for me.

If only it were that easy.

I'm so tired of feeling sad. I'm so tired of living my life in two week increments. Most of all, I'm tired of being childless.

Are there any psychics out there? Anyone have any visions of my future?

I'm lost.