I have had so many blog posts percolating in my head and just now, while enjoying my gluten-free bagel, I had a thought.
I have been struggling so much because I want so badly to find a solution to my sadness. I want an out. I want something concrete to hold onto.
This is not the lesson that I'm supposed to learn from this particular point in my struggle.
Yes, it is definitely easier said than done, but I think I may be onto something here.
I'm a fixer. I like to find solutions to problems. Heck, my job is a daily journey in finding solutions to how to deal with 19 crazy seven year olds.
I know that I'm looking down a path with a serious fork in the road I know that it is fear that is keeping me from moving forward. I also know that I have put up every road block in our journey towards adoption.
I don't sit far from where the large, brown envelope with the paperwork for Child.ren's Aid is hiding. I can almost hear it talking to me.
"JellyBelly, what are you waiting for? Why have I been sitting here in this basket for a year? Just fill me out already!"
So many of you have given me the gentle encouragement that we should just start the process, just so we can have something other than my broken body to focus on. It would make so much sense to pursue public adoption while waiting to see if surgery in Omaha is an actual possibility (although Mr. JB doesn't think that it's going to be needed, sometimes it is so tough to live with an eternal optimist!).
Perhaps giving myself an end date was the wrong way to approach my IF. I do work well with deadlines, but in this case, I need to be more forgiving to myself. The self-blame has been tough to take, and I'm the one responsible for all of it!
So, I'm going to try and give myself permission to take a mental break. We leave for our resort vacation in two weeks. I don't need to make any decisions before then. For now, I'm going to try to muddle through my life without having a breakdown.
How does that sound to all of you?