26 February 2011

JellyBelly in flux

I have had so many blog posts percolating in my head and just now, while enjoying my gluten-free bagel, I had a thought.

I have been struggling so much because I want so badly to find a solution to my sadness. I want an out. I want something concrete to hold onto.

This is not the lesson that I'm supposed to learn from this particular point in my struggle.

Yes,  it is definitely easier said than done, but I think I may be onto something here.

I'm a fixer. I like to find solutions to problems. Heck, my job is a daily journey in finding solutions to how to deal with 19 crazy seven year olds.

I know that I'm looking down a path with a serious fork in the road I know that it is fear that is keeping me from moving forward. I also know that I have put up every road block in our journey towards adoption.

I don't sit far from where the large, brown envelope with the paperwork for Child.ren's Aid is hiding. I can almost hear it talking to me.

"JellyBelly, what are you waiting for? Why have I been sitting here in this basket for a year? Just fill me out already!"

So many of you have given me the gentle encouragement that we should just start the process, just so we can have something other than my broken body to focus on. It would make so much sense to pursue public adoption while waiting to see if surgery in Omaha is an actual possibility (although Mr. JB doesn't think that it's going to be needed, sometimes it is so tough to live with an eternal optimist!).

Perhaps giving myself an end date was the wrong way to approach my IF. I do work well with deadlines, but in this case, I need to be more forgiving to myself. The self-blame has been tough to take, and I'm the one responsible for all of it!

So, I'm going to try and give myself permission to take a mental break. We leave for our resort vacation in two weeks. I don't need to make any decisions before then. For now, I'm going to try to muddle through my life without having a breakdown.

How does that sound to all of you?
 

15 comments:

  1. I think a mental break sounds perfect JB!

    Enjoy your vacation and I will pray you are able to relax and come back with a clearer outlook!

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  2. A mental break sound welcoming...I know I need one..and it's not about IF...it's about stepping away from my job and concentrating on thyself! A resort vacation sounds nice...I don't have spring break until Easter! Ugh! The students and I will be so very ready by then. Praying for you!

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  3. Praying for you...hope you enjoy your vacation! You sure deserve it.

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  4. Have a fabulous time on your vacation! The envelope will be there for you when you get back :)

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  5. A break sounds great - you deserve it after all this time! And continue the break during vacation - maybe when you come back you'll find not-thinking about IF/adoption (and lack of stress!) has actually made it clearer?

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  6. A deadline would have stressed me out! I hope the mental and physical break does you some good! Enjoy yourself and your Dh!

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  7. I am a BIG believer in mental vacation AND to following your deepest, deepest desire WHILE having all pots on the back burner going.

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  8. Oh, and I know the struggle of living with an eternal optimist. It is hard. It doesn't seem like it would be or should be. But, it is (although it is also great in many ways too)

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  9. Totally second the mental vacation. It's good to have something to look forward to, so you can put off the mental anguish until "after that." I knew that I was going to have a dr. appt. with my old doc in early January, so I was able to not think & stress too much over the holidays. Now is a different story, but at least I had a few weeks to let it go! :) Enjoy your vacation!

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  10. oh my goodness I take LOTS of mental vacations!!!! I have to take vacations from blogs to let myself "clear out" my head sometimes. I can't read about IF all the time or it will consume me. I think a break is a really good idea. :) I hope it helps you!!!!

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  11. haha I realize taking "LOTS" of mental vacations makes me sounds like I rarely think... whoops ;)

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  12. It was very nice to see you again at our meetup today!

    I agree, taking a "mental break" will do wonders for you! Enjoy the thought of your upcoming vacation! I'm so jealous! i wish we were getting away from the grim and cold city here!

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  13. A break is probably a good idea. Sometimes things look completely different after we step away from them for a bit.

    Glad you have a vacation coming up! It's always fun to have that kind of thing to look forward to :).

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  14. This sounds great. Now, I'm going to pray that you actually do this b.c I told myself I would do this and it didn't work. It's hard but I am praying for your strength to be able to do this "mental break." I guess one thing to help would be to say to yourself over and over..."I am on a mental break, I'm not thinking about IF!" That is what I would have to do at least.

    Where are you going on your trip????

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  15. Honey, definitely take a mental break! It's good for the soul!!!

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