15 February 2011

Seeking Comfort

That's exactly what I have tried to do today.

I took the day off because I had my annual physical (with the GP that I really don't like, but cannot leave because it is nearly impossible to find doctors that take patients). I knew that I needed a day away from my class (who is driving me crazy and making me a miserable person, well actually, it's one specific student, but I'm not going to blog about that today), and taking the entire day off was what I needed.

I've been miserable for the past couple of weeks. Part of me feels like I have some form of PTSD that's related to IF -- is that possible? I feel like I have been dragging my broken spirit through mud. I know that it most likely hormonal and that when AF starts the clouds will break open and peace will come upon me (funny how that happens, eh?). Another part of me is worried that my normalizing hormones are making me feel like a basket case.

I am usually an optimist. I am also usually happy, despite five and a half years of being IF. I am constantly being praised by my friends and colleagues about how calm I am. I know that it isn't a persona, I am actually that person.

Since the Dalya and Danielle's deaths I have tried very hard to focus on the positive things in my life -- my ulcerative colitis being in remission, our upcoming trip to the Dominican Republic, my perfect eyesight, but I feel like the weight of IF is dragging me down.

I know that I have hit rock bottom many times, and so many of you have buoyed me through so many periods of intense suffering. It seems as though I am there again.

After my physical I went to the chiropractor (who is my biggest IF cheerleader) and I complained to her about my aching lower back as well as my jaw. She joked that I'm never an easy case to "fix." She asked me why I was so tense and I wasn't able to answer her.

Is my body trying to tell me that I need to get off of this roller coaster? Is it time to reclaim my life and move on?

It seems to me that every time I set a deadline for myself, I get a positive sign that we need to keep going.  I had thought that December 2010 was going to be the end of our TTC journey, but then I started to see Dr. Nora. Then in January my Napro doctor said that we had just had our first two viable cycles and that we shouldn't despair. And now, there's a possibility (however slight) that I will be able to have surgery with Dr. H.ilgers.

Is this divine intervention? Or is it coincidence?

I know that ultimately I have to make peace with what I want, and unfortunately that means that I can't give up. I did say to Mr. JB a couple of weeks ago (perhaps it was in the car on our way home from Danielle's funeral) that I believed that we were close. I have not had that feeling in a VERY long time.

I never thought that I would be 36 and still childless. Part of me just wants to mourn the loss of that dream, but I can't hibernate in a hole and do that. Another part of me (although lately, it has been a very small part) believes that my IF is serving a greater purpose in my life.

So for now, I have to continue praying -- which has been really great since we have a Legion of Mary statue visiting with us for a couple of weeks, and hoping. And maybe, I have to reach my hands out so all of you can hold me up while I am feeling so weak and small.

Thank God for all of you.


  1. I am so sorry!
    I wish I had something magical that I could say to take your pain away but I don't and so all I can do is pray...pray hard and often for you!

  2. Good for you for taking a "mental health day." I know we all need them from time to time. I don't think it's a coincidence that your Napro doctor says you shouldn't despair, and that you might have surgery with Dr. Hilgers. God has big plans for you :)

  3. I will never be able to forget when a close friend asked me how I could keep up with the meds, shots, and charting anf I told her that I had no idea how I put one foot in front of the other each day but it was something I had to do. It was around early March of last year and in my mind I had May as the deadline in my mind. I had no idea that we would conceive that cycle - unbelievable!! God can suprise us, he definitely suprised us so I will keep praying that you are close!!

    xoxo - sending comfort your way!

  4. I'll be praying for you.

    Your comment about feeling hope for a new baby after Daniella's funeral reminded me of something that happened in our circle of friends last year. A very holy 16 year old Catholic girl named Rose got killed in a tragic traffic accident. She was riding her bike home from her job as a life guard and got hit by a car while was in a cross-walk on a sunny afternoon. Everyone in her whole church was so sad.

    Rose's godmother was in her late forties and suffered 4 miscarriages in a row. She told her husband that she was "done." After Rose's funeral, she had a real change of heart. She went on to conceive a healthy baby boy who was born 9 months after Rose's funeral.

    It was so amazing to see this godmother carrying a huge belly while people where still leaving roses by the road side alter for Rose. Even though Rose died tragically at 16 and never got to have children of her own, she was directly responsible for new life. I can't see that baby boy now without calling him "Rose's baby" in my mind.

  5. Oh JB, I am praying for you! Keep listening to God speaking to your heart. It truly sounds like He is.

  6. You are so close to the Cross, which means you are so close to Christ. Your Easter is coming.... I will pray!

    Abigail, what a beautiful story.

  7. We are here, we are!!!! Thats what friends do, hold each other up when its hard to stand on our own. I to have a VERY strong feeling that your struggle is going to serve a greater purpose, but it would be nice if we could get a little glimpse into what that might be. If the saying is true "good things come to those who wait" then you should expect VERY VERY good things in the future. In the meantime we will hope and pray that your happy day comes SOON.

  8. I agree with tishi, i like that saying "good things comes to those who wait". I see a baby in your life very soon...especially since you have that feeling that "you are close" that is a very strong positive feeling. I believe that when you continue to speak positively and believe in something it will happen. Hugs for you!

  9. You have been through so much recently. I'm glad you were able to have the day off. I continue to keep you in my prayers. We're here for you. :)

  10. You are one of the strongest ladies I know to have gone through all of this for so long. Keep hangin' tough. My thoughts and prayers are with you through this low time.

  11. I was once told that we have to hold on to hope until there is nothing left to hope for, and thanks to the Cross, we always have a reason for our hope!
    I know it isn't easy though.
    You have my prayers.

  12. Leila said it perfectly. Please God, I am praying that you will be able to stay the course...maybe a more extended break is in order then a full monty attempt again?

    I took a break from 34 years until 37 years...couldn't live the IF roll coaster...then tried from 37-39.

    You PTSD is REAL in IF! So real ;(

    I am going to make this Lent about YOU. I am going to pray especially for YOU---and, I am going to ask my husband to join me.

  13. "Thank God for all of you."

    Amen to that. Praying for you!!!

  14. I'm holding you in prayer, sweet JB. I look up to you and admire your strength. You keep me going at times. Thank you for that. Go spoil yourself with something today...a massage, a pedi, ice cream....you deserve it. HUGS

  15. It is entirely possible to have a form of PTSD from IF - I don't know if it is called PTSD exactly, but it happens. I still deal with it.

    It's a blah time of year to begin with - and IF sucks, no matter what way you slice it.

  16. I'm sorry girl. I am still praying for you, no matter what the Lord has planned for you, it will be great, You will be great! :)

  17. Your comment about having PSTD from IF made me stop on my tracks. Wow! so very, very true.

    I think that all of us have gone through a time when we thought we could not go on, but then found the strenght again.

    Dr. Nora is amazing and having a surgery with Dr. H would be the very best combination ever. I love how she looks at a different side of the puzzle and Dr. H is the very, very best out there.

    I will pray specifically that you are able to have a surgery with him and that Dr. Nora can continue with you.

    TCM and naturopathic medicine take time, but I have seen them work time and time again and together with the very best of western medicine (which I think napro is) can yield miracles. Will pray very very hard for you JB!

  18. When I first started reading IF blogs I read the story of a woman who was seeing a psychiatrist and had literal, textbook PTSD symptoms with IF - hyperventilated when she heard a baby cry, etc. I am certain that is very rare, but evidently it does happen. I don't think the difficulty of this life should be taken lightly. Moreover, IF-related anxiety disorder might not be so rare and I would guess that some 50% or more of IF sufferers have at least dysthymia that is caused, triggered, or exacerbated by all the IF "triggers" - pregnancy announcements, births, major milestones, difficult holidays, failed treatments, etc. I know the typical approach is to classify one's ability to deal as either a good or a bad attitude (or, even more fun, abandonment to the will of God or the failure thereof), and while I'm sure good attitudes and good spiritual practices help, they don't tell the whole story any more than they do for someone with a closed-head injury or a broken leg. The condition has inherent challenges (which exceed the merely physiological), which tend to be made WORSE by the available treatments, and we should all give ourselves permission to experience them as they really are, with all the attendant emotions, without condemning ourselves for conditions we would very much prefer to avoid.

    And I realize that makes me sound like a downer - I don't mean to be. I am so impressed with your patience fighting this for so long, through so many doctors and so many hurdles. Whether or not with a baby none can say, but I believe your perseverance in hope will be rewarded.

  19. How did I not know there was a chance you could go see Dr H?!?!?!

    And... you believe you're close??!!!! You need to TEXT A WOMAN this info!!!!!!