16 February 2011

Longing for Lent

Dear Lord, do I ever need Lent to come.

I'm sure that those of you that read yesterday's post can clearly see that.

I am also certain that the Lord has a very interesting sense of humour.

I was at an all day meeting today surrounded by THREE pregnant women. I spent the ENTIRE day hearing about their pregnancies, their expectations, how easy it was to get pregnant. All of the typical conversation that one hears from a fertile that has never even had the thought that conception could possibly be difficult.

It took all of my being to stay in the room. I wanted to take my things and run, but I had to be professional and smile and look happy. I did send some bitter texts for TCIE who is always there for me (thanks again TCIE!) to help me cope, and there were a few washroom breaks that involved some silent screaming. I was dying on the inside, but no one could tell. 

Perhaps I should try acting, because I am certain that I did some Oscar winning material today.

On my way home today, I got a whiff of spring. For those of you that don't live in an arctic climate, this winter has been incredibly tough. It's been bitterly cold and there's been way too much snow (yes, a proud Canadian girl like me is complaining about snow, I usually love it, but it has been RIDICULOUS!). I got to drive with the window cracked open and the heat off.

I felt for a brief moment that I was going to make it, that the cross of IF wasn't unbearably heavy.

Perhaps it isn't just IF-related PTSD that I'm suffering from, maybe I also have seasonal affective disorder?

What I do know is that the sadness that I feel is something that I have to deal with. I need to find beauty in the little things in my life since the big stuff is just too daunting. I'm going to start with little steps tonight. My favourite yoga teacher has a new class on Wednesday nights and I'm going. I don't usually practice on consecutive nights, but I want to be bikini ready when we head south next month (the state of my body is another post for another time, d*mn you fertility drugs!). I can turn my mind off for 75 minutes and I can concentrate on making my body stronger, not the things that it can't seem to do.

Thank you all for all your kind words and support. I know that this dark time will pass, hopefully sooner, rather than later.


  1. As suspected, my triplet ultrasound was an IUI (and Catholic, no less)... now being pushed by her Drs to "reduce" because one's bladder is enlarged and not reducing could cause the other two not to "thrive." Ay ay ay... tough day for us both.

    You were in my prayers, though, rest assured!!

  2. What a day. I was reading some Pregnancy post a few weeks ago and a woman commented how they had decided two weeks ago to start trying and she was pregnant two weeks later. It is like a slap on the face for all IF woman.
    I am in the East coast and there is a hint of spring in the weather and it just lifts my sprit that warm days are to come soon.

  3. Ughh, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Women like that drive me nuts.

    On the seasonal affective disorder-I can totally relate. When it is the slightest bit sunny and warm, my husband sees a noticeable difference in me.

  4. Oh wow, sorry you had such a rough day after all being down! :( Your yoga sounds fantastic, it is great you do it. Hugs!

  5. So sorry girl!! praying for you!

  6. your in a hard spot my friend, the in between, ttc for as long as you have, finally an endo diagnosis, surgery, doctors, hormones. Its a lot. Then your in waiting place, waiting to see if you get to go to the doctor in the states, waiting to see if you will adopt, all that waiting, and all that state of "what ifs". Brutal. I'm not adding gaseoline on your fire, just saying that your one strong strong woman, I know I couldn't do it, I needed to have plans with deadlines (IVF twice with my eggs then move onto donor), I had to know where the road was going, where the curves were and where and when we would stop.

    The little bit of sun was nice, if I was you I would just step back for a while, step away, concentrate on getting fit and all the great things you have in your life (lovely home, great husband, vacation to look forward to).

  7. I had S.A.D. when I was in school in Boston. Oh, it does sap the joy and peace from a soul. I am glad spring is around the corner! I'll be praying, friend!!

    TCIE, that is awful!!!

  8. Wow, I have no idea how you were able to keep it together with those women. I'm pretty sure I would have cried.

    I can't wait for Lent either...I'm in need of some spiritual renewal! I'm praying for you! :)

  9. I have been a reader of your blog for some time and so appreciate your honesty and openness! I just told my husband the other night that I too am looking forward to Lent this year. I started a blog (literally last night!) about my journey with infertility. Here is the address if you are interested: iampatientlywaitingkinda.blogspot.com

    I hope today goes much smoother for you!

  10. Being around pregnant women are always tough, because it is just another reminder of our "empty womb".
    what can i say, i've been feeling in the dumps myself so there you have it,,it must be the winter blues going around. Or just the question to be answered--when is it my turn? ah how frustrating.
    Rachel--yeah, those pregnancy post either through reading it on a post or hearing it in person is ALWAYS hard to swallow! Some women just have it so darn easy with the conception and carring a baby 9 months thing down pat. They just think i'm going to get preggo and boom..it happens! Not fair at all.

  11. WAIT, your heading south soon??? Where??? I'm in the South!!

  12. I've had SAD for years and years - I've had chronically low Vit D levels for years. FINALLY, this year I haven't been as affected. I think it's from getting the gut healing from the gf diet and being able to finally absorb all the vit. D I've been taking.
    I'm really sorry this winter has been so tough on you :(.

  13. Some people are so thoughtless. Hope the yoga helped!! I'm needing some right about now!

  14. And the oscar goes to.....JELLY BELLY!!! I don't know how you got through that, I find NOTHING more annoying then a group of chattering pregnant women!!

    I'm loving the warmth today too.....didn't even have to zip my jacket....AWESOME!