Dear Lord, do I ever need Lent to come.
I'm sure that those of you that read yesterday's post can clearly see that.
I am also certain that the Lord has a very interesting sense of humour.
I was at an all day meeting today surrounded by THREE pregnant women. I spent the ENTIRE day hearing about their pregnancies, their expectations, how easy it was to get pregnant. All of the typical conversation that one hears from a fertile that has never even had the thought that conception could possibly be difficult.
It took all of my being to stay in the room. I wanted to take my things and run, but I had to be professional and smile and look happy. I did send some bitter texts for TCIE who is always there for me (thanks again TCIE!) to help me cope, and there were a few washroom breaks that involved some silent screaming. I was dying on the inside, but no one could tell.
Perhaps I should try acting, because I am certain that I did some Oscar winning material today.
On my way home today, I got a whiff of spring. For those of you that don't live in an arctic climate, this winter has been incredibly tough. It's been bitterly cold and there's been way too much snow (yes, a proud Canadian girl like me is complaining about snow, I usually love it, but it has been RIDICULOUS!). I got to drive with the window cracked open and the heat off.
I felt for a brief moment that I was going to make it, that the cross of IF wasn't unbearably heavy.
Perhaps it isn't just IF-related PTSD that I'm suffering from, maybe I also have seasonal affective disorder?
What I do know is that the sadness that I feel is something that I have to deal with. I need to find beauty in the little things in my life since the big stuff is just too daunting. I'm going to start with little steps tonight. My favourite yoga teacher has a new class on Wednesday nights and I'm going. I don't usually practice on consecutive nights, but I want to be bikini ready when we head south next month (the state of my body is another post for another time, d*mn you fertility drugs!). I can turn my mind off for 75 minutes and I can concentrate on making my body stronger, not the things that it can't seem to do.
Thank you all for all your kind words and support. I know that this dark time will pass, hopefully sooner, rather than later.