19 February 2011

And here we are again...


Part of me is so relieved since I was feeling like an out of control, hormonal maniac.

But most of all I feel sad.

And disappointed.

I know that something needs to change, but I feel like I'm stuck in the hamster wheel of TTC. I'm petrified of starting the adoption process. I'm scared to stop trying. And I know that pretending that living life without children is not an option.

I wish that someone would just make the decision for me.

If only it were that easy.

I'm so tired of feeling sad. I'm so tired of living my life in two week increments. Most of all, I'm tired of being childless.

Are there any psychics out there? Anyone have any visions of my future?

I'm lost.


  1. I would always ask God to let me know an "end date" that I could at least look forward to...whether that be in a month or years. I thought knowing that "end date" would make the suffering and waiting more bearable. Prayers that you find your "end date" soon.

  2. Hun, we need to have coffee. Sometimes talking things though actually helps, I know you brought more clarity to my journey to parenthood then anyone in my life.

    You don't need to be pregnant to be the mother, if adoption is something you and mr.jb are comfortable with then why not?
    This state of indecision is torture.
    This trying every month for years on end has to be grinding at your soul I only did it for 2 and found it to be hard, I felt like very month I was failing, it was eating away at my sense of self.
    I'm rambling,
    You know where I am, any time, you can email me.

  3. Prayers! I wish there was something I could say to take away your sadness...I know that there isn't and I am sorry for that. I am praying for you and the baby God has planned for you.

  4. Okay, I'll make the decision for you: Full steam ahead on adoption! :)

    I know, I know, I can't really make that decision, but I do know that once you start down that road, you will be a mother....


  5. So so sorry you're feeling so down. I'm praying for you!

  6. I completly understand, the scariest part for me was accepting even the "idea" of adoption. But I faced my fears/reserached into it and spoke with the agency I will work with and they answered alot of my questions honestly and now aside from needing to save more $$ for the international adoptionthat is the tentative plan for next year for us. If you asked me 1 year ago if I would consider adoption I would say "no way at all".I also felt that making a decision to adopt seems like i'm failing my body and giving up on conceiving on my own but i also came to terms that that is not true because we are still trying every month whatever the outcome might be. But in the end I agree you just want to be a mother. I ask myself "how much more do I give myself to this pain and suffering" before I decide to change channels on this ttc path.
    I also make the decision for you..consider adoption it will help relieve ALOT of stress on your part. Ask the questions with the adoption professionals of anything you are unsure of and see if that will help solidify your decision to consider adoption or not. No one really knows if the decision we make is right or not but at the end it has to be right one for the both of you. BIG Hugs.

    This is a lonely and frustrating journey especially when each month passes us by and yet no baby in our arms. Sigh

  7. It was helpful for me to begin the adoption process because it gave me something else to focus on - with tangible lists of items to do, a wait with an end in sight, etc.

    I am praying especially hard for you right now.

  8. Praying for you JB, I'm sorry!

  9. I second Leila's comment!

    I also think we should all agree to change "CD1" to "Stupid Day1".

  10. I third Leila's comment! Maybe it'll be a good change of pace for you and will get you out of that hamster wheel for sure.

  11. It's so tough. I don't know what to say hon. I don't know much about NaPro because I have taken the IVF path, but is there any thing else you can do? Or is this as far as they can help?

    Also wanted to pick your brain about Lent sometime. I've never done it (not Catholic), but I think I would like to this once... chat on fb?

  12. I know what you mean--when I was waiting to meet my husband and when I was waiting to have children, I thought the wait would be so much more bearable if I knew that eventually I would get there. I'll pray for you guys! (And this may not be helpful, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a choice between one or the other. I know some adoption agencies want you to stop trying to conceive, but not all do, and some agencies would define treating underlying medical issues differently than they would treat IVF in that determination.)

  13. I wish I could take your pain away. I'm in the middle of a novena to St. Gerard. I will pray for you as well. Hugs

  14. I am not a psycic (spelling) but I did "do" IF for 10 years.

    Only one truth emerged. TO DO ANYTHING to become a Mom.

    And, I think adoption is an amazing anything to do.

    I hate to say this cause it always comes out wrong, but after pursuing adoption, since you are still young, you could still go full throttle with having your own child when you are older again.

    Just a thought. A way to let you shift into another mode that will bring a baby HOME to you NOW!!!

    Sorry if I sound intense.

    It's my weakness.

    Love you dear Sister in Christ.

    Little JoAnn

  15. So sorry about cd1 :(.

    Despite the financial stress of the last couple months, I've finally felt some kind of peace inside lately - that we're going to be parents soon. I always thought I'd have more mixed feelings about it all, but that hasn't been the case.
    The whole adoption process has been so completely different than I had imagined - maybe because there was already a match when we started? I don't know, but I can say that it's been so many years since I felt like TTC was the last thing on my mind...and I am totally okay with that!
    Eventually, you and your husband will make a decision, and hopefully you'll feel that peace as well. ((hugs))

  16. I am really really sorry and wish there was something concrete I could do, like take you out to lunch or something. And I hope you're able to answer these questions soon.

  17. I guess the real question is do you want to be a mother or do you want to be pregnant. If the answer is you want to be a mother, then there are ways to get there.

    If it were me, I would really get things moving with adoption because I think being a mother is more important than getting pregnant.

    There is no reason you can't try while going through the adoption process. If the money issue is holding you back, don't give it a second thought. When you have a child in your arms, you won't care about the cost of things.

    Also, something to think about - Mr. JB's last semen analysis was on the lowish side, right? I can't remember the count, but I would think about getting him tested again. If his counts are still on the lowish side, then maybe a surgery with Dr. H would be moot point, you know?

    If you want to chat, you know where to find me.

  18. I`m so sorry for CD 1... I don`t have any psychic visions for you, but Fr. Mike had one for you ;) Hang onto that!

  19. Oh sweet JB....I am so sorry and agree with Katie, sit with God and try to find an "end date" so you can start the adoption process.

    I know how scary and daunting it can be, but once you start that scary ball rolling, the fear begins to roll off with it!

    Praying for you today...