Really, really struggling.
And for those of you who know me IRL, I am not an angry person.
I don't even deal with being grumpy all that well.
CD1 just made it worse.
And the reality of yet another year passing without a child in my arms or my womb has hit even harder this year.
I thought I was getting good at dealing with the IF business, but I'm not.
Far from it.
And at the back of my mind I think of my BFF's cousin who is dying and is about to leave her husband and two beautiful children.
And the guilt builds.
I know that bargaining with God doesn't work, but I keep saying to Him to take me instead of her.
Yes, I admit it.
Her two children shouldn't be without a mother.
It would be an easy exchange to take a barren woman instead of her.
But it doesn't work that way.
It isn't about fairness. Or justice. Or even getting what we want.
If it was I'd have all the babies I wanted.
Oh Lord, have mercy on me a sinner. I need to trust in You so much more.