21 December 2013

I have a confession....

I've been really struggling with anger this Advent. 

Really, really struggling. 

And for those of you who know me IRL, I am not an angry person. 

I don't even deal with being grumpy all that well. 

CD1 just made it worse. 

And the reality of yet another year passing without a child in my arms or my womb has hit even harder this year. 

I thought I was getting good at dealing with the IF business, but I'm not. 

Far from it. 

And at the back of my mind I think of my BFF's cousin who is dying and is about to leave her husband and two beautiful children. 

And the guilt builds. 

I know that bargaining with God doesn't work, but I keep saying to Him to take me instead of her. 

Yes, I admit it. 

Her two children shouldn't be without a mother. 

It would be an easy exchange to take a barren woman instead of her. 

But it doesn't work that way. 

It isn't about fairness. Or justice. Or even getting what we want. 

If it was I'd have all the babies I wanted. 

Oh Lord, have mercy on me a sinner. I need to trust in You so much more. 


16 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for all you are dealing with right now! Andrew and I had 9 married Christmases without a baby and it hurt worse every year instead of getting better.
    Don't be hard on yourself. It sucks to not have control over our family size!!
    I would like to say that it gets better, but to be honest...only God knows what will happen.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Blogger cut me off.
    I pray God sends you joy soon!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. That is so sweet that you wish it were you instead of your BFF's cousin...but things happen in life according to God's plan...and sometimes we can never understand. I guess after all of these years of IF I just try to put it behind me and focus on something else during this time of the year. It is hard to do and it's a lot of work but so far so good. I feel like a horse with blinders on...just look forward and don't look around you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anger and IF just suck. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. A wise psychologist taught me that anger can be from drowned out sorrow. IF is extremely sorrowful. So, I prayed the 7 Sorrows chaplet for many, many weeks and the sorrow finally hit. It was such a relief. At times I still stuggle with anger, though. Its not a cure all! Also, recently reading about confession, I found that anger can be due to a lack of self control. And that is true for me, too. Have mercy on me, too, Lord! AH!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't know how anyone ever gets "good" at this. I think we get little reprieves - for a moment or two - where it seems like we can "do IF", but I honestly just don't think it is possible to truly be "good" at it.

    Love and prayers and hugs to you friend! I wish you were coming to Pittsburgh again this week ;).

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bless your heart!! Jb such a hard time!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have no good advice because all of this just stinks, a lot. So sorry! Hugs and prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Be kind to yourself. God has given you so much to handle! Praying for you Jb!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Have missed reading your posts. Hang in there. It sucks, and I'm struggling with trust too. But it's our only hope!

    ReplyDelete
  10. More than 10years into this journey, with two boys (through adoption), the anger, despair, hopelessness, they all still hit me at times. IF is nothing if not a rollercoaster. Sending prayers for you to experience some peace.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Praying for you and for your BFF's cousin! I struggled with anger constantly earlier in our IF struggles; in my case, my job contributed a lot to it, but it was very bad. It's gotten better, but it still comes and goes (limiting who and what I have contact with has made all the difference).

    Please don't undervalue yourself. Just because you don't have a child doesn't make you any less valuable than your BFF's cousin. It's so hard to accept that we can't and won't understand His reasoning for what happens and to just trust.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The Lord can handle it.
    May He take your anger and sorrow this Christmas and fill your heart with joy. He can do it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your honesty is so inspiring.
    You know, God can most certainly handle your anger and sorrow, and even your lack of trust. He knows you better than anyone. Never stop crying out to Him and be assured that He is so close to you and all the broken hearted.
    I will be begging our Lord for your intentions.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I know the anger. It's not good. But (to me), it feels better than the sadness - which is why it's there; although that isn't healthy at all. Praying that in the Christmas season you find your way through to peace.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Jelly Belly, I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before, but I've read for a long time now and I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I'm praying for you. I'm praying in Jesus' name that you will have a baby and that His glorious power will be made known in your life. Have hope, my friend, God is at work in your life - I just know it! Love and hugs to you :-)

    ReplyDelete