I'm done

The events of the past week have finally caught up with me.

As I walked out of the hospital after my CT scan, I started to feel quite emotional. I tried to hold it together enough to get out of the parking lot without losing it, and I succeeded. I had promised myself some tasty Thai food to get me through the needle and the discomfort of having to drink the nasty contrast liquid, and even that wasn't enough.

As I drove away I just felt done. I feel so wiped out. So completely spent that I feel empty.

The reality of three hospital stays, two surgeries, an abscess (that I believe has drained) and still being infertile has caught up with me.

I feel like God is testing me. Why would He have me go through so much in such a short period of time?

While I was driving I kept on saying, "I'm done Lord. I can't do any more. I don't know what your plan is for me, but please spare me from any more pain. I just can't do it."

I need to have a good cry. I have to let these emotions out. I need to see my class and have my life go back to normal.

It isn't normal to have repeated tests done to my body. It isn't normal to be so familiar with the local hospital. It isn't normal to have to juggle three different doctors in three different locations.

I thought I was a healthy, clean living 34 year old. Not an old lady.

Not even the Pad Thai helped.

Now I know that I've hit rock bottom.