7 September 2009

Happy New Year

September has always felt like the start of a new year. Perhaps it was one of the reasons that I went into teaching. The promise of starting anew every September is something that I have always looked forward to.

Until this year.

I have been having anxiety attacks all day. My heart has been racing and I haven't been able to relax. We even checked out a new dessert place in the neighbourhood and I still couldn't enjoy the moment and my mango sorbet.

I've been so zen about my classroom set-up. I finished everything in two days. I have the first week of school planned and photocopied. I've taught this grade before.

I have no reason to be nervous.

I think that the anxiety is coming from fear. Fear that my body isn't ready for working full time. Fear that I'm not going to be able to handle 23 6 year olds and their demands. And most of all, fear that I will see another school year as a sad infertile woman.

Every September since I got married I have thought to myself, "Next September you're going to be home with your baby. You won't have to worry about this back to school business!"

This is my fourth September without a baby.

My fertile best friend's son asked me if I had a baby in my belly too. I had to tell him, "No buddy, Auntie JellyBelly doesn't have any of her own babies, but she loves you very much."

Ouch.

Before we packed up and left the island yesterday I turned to Mr. JB and asked him that perhaps next summer we would be packing up our baby's stuff to go home. For the first time since my surgery I got tears in my eyes because of my barrenness. I've been numb since my surgery. I would say that I have been more hopeful, but I still have the past four year of trying still on my shoulders. I know that even if I become a mother there will always be a part of me that mourns for all of the time I spent childless.

I would give so much to be able to be home tomorrow. Despite all of my education and all of the passion I have for teaching, I would give all of it up to be a stay at home mom. I would love to make Mr. JB his breakfast and see him off. I'd cook dinner again. I'd clean my house again -- well, I don't know if I would fire my cleaning lady, but I would certainly make more of an effort. I would fill the empty part of my heart with the joy that my child would bring me.

I really hope that this is my last barren September.

10 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you can't be a stay-at-home-mom just yet and that you're having anxiety. I've been having a lot of anxiety since my surgery.. wonder if surgery has something to do with it? I don't know! I hate anxiety so I feel for you. It's terrible.

    I hope tomorrow ends up feeling like a fresh start for you. I hope you fall in love with your class and it gets your mind off of infertility. I'm praying for you!

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  2. I am so sorry you aren't feeling well. Take it one day at a time, rest when you need to.

    At least you don't have to watch the "No"Bama speech tomorrow. :)

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  3. Oh JellyBelly,

    I am sorry that this new school year brings anxiety and sadness. Sending hugs, and hope and faith that one day you will be a stay-at-home mom.

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  4. Hang in there Momma! I understand your pain.................................................................................................

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  5. Ohhhh, what a sad, sad post!! One that resonates all too strongly in my heart.

    I feel exactly the same- - I appreciate the fact that through IF, we have been able to offer our suffering for greater things, and that when we get our babies, we will be that much more appreciative, etc. etc. etc... but I KNOW, as you said, that I will always, ALWAYS be sad and mourn the days/months/years that I spent without children. Nothing can take that pain away.

    I pray that this school year is a wonderful one, because it had BETTER be your last for a looooong time :)

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  6. I pray that this WILL be the last September of going back to school for you.

    I REALLY can relate to your statement of always mourning for these years of childlessness,even if you do conceive.

    I think that is EXACTLY where I am at. I cannot believe that there is sorrow that having children cannot even completely erase ... perhaps time will, though. I don't know. But I told P the other day, even if I got pregnant tomorrow, I am not sure whether God would lift this sorrow from me. My heart has been broken. I don't know how to put the pieces back together again, really.

    I am praying SO much for you and am SO hopeful for you!!! You have come so far, JB, and I just know there are good things in your future!!!

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  7. I'm sorry that you are having anxiety. I hope the new school year is great and that next year, you won't have to go back in September.

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  8. oh JB - I am like this each and every birthday (last year my 30th I didn't wnat to to do anything, so we didn't - I just couldn't get up the will to actually celebrate).
    I am hopeful for you, you're strong and somedays are better than others.
    good luck on your first day with the kiddies, I hope you have a great class this year.

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  9. Praying that it is your last barren Sept too!!! :)

    Just take school one day at a time and don't be afraid to rest when you need it. 23 6 year olds is crazy madness! Sending thoughts your way!!!

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