September has always felt like the start of a new year. Perhaps it was one of the reasons that I went into teaching. The promise of starting anew every September is something that I have always looked forward to.
Until this year.
I have been having anxiety attacks all day. My heart has been racing and I haven't been able to relax. We even checked out a new dessert place in the neighbourhood and I still couldn't enjoy the moment and my mango sorbet.
I've been so zen about my classroom set-up. I finished everything in two days. I have the first week of school planned and photocopied. I've taught this grade before.
I have no reason to be nervous.
I think that the anxiety is coming from fear. Fear that my body isn't ready for working full time. Fear that I'm not going to be able to handle 23 6 year olds and their demands. And most of all, fear that I will see another school year as a sad infertile woman.
Every September since I got married I have thought to myself, "Next September you're going to be home with your baby. You won't have to worry about this back to school business!"
This is my fourth September without a baby.
My fertile best friend's son asked me if I had a baby in my belly too. I had to tell him, "No buddy, Auntie JellyBelly doesn't have any of her own babies, but she loves you very much."
Before we packed up and left the island yesterday I turned to Mr. JB and asked him that perhaps next summer we would be packing up our baby's stuff to go home. For the first time since my surgery I got tears in my eyes because of my barrenness. I've been numb since my surgery. I would say that I have been more hopeful, but I still have the past four year of trying still on my shoulders. I know that even if I become a mother there will always be a part of me that mourns for all of the time I spent childless.
I would give so much to be able to be home tomorrow. Despite all of my education and all of the passion I have for teaching, I would give all of it up to be a stay at home mom. I would love to make Mr. JB his breakfast and see him off. I'd cook dinner again. I'd clean my house again -- well, I don't know if I would fire my cleaning lady, but I would certainly make more of an effort. I would fill the empty part of my heart with the joy that my child would bring me.
I really hope that this is my last barren September.