Reality Check

First off, thank you all so much for your kind words and comments on my last post. I am trying to stay calm, but there isn't enough yoga, prayer, or running a girl can do to keep all anxiety at bay -- part of me is almost grateful for my high needs, poorly behaved, crazy class. At least I have some distractions during the school day!

So last week, I got my tax return.

I really need a new countertop.

Let me re-phrase that: I really want a new countertop.

We do have some damage under the faucet from a now-repaired leak, but it'll hold for a while longer.

I got a very good tax return that would pay for the replacement of the ugly laminate that I've been looking at for nine years.

But, now Mr. JB's (relatively) new car needs a new clutch.

Yes, a 2010 vehicle, bought new, needs a major repair that is not covered by warranty.

And guess how much it's going to cost.

Yup, every penny of my tax return.

No, new countertop for me.

I wanted to cry from disappointment.

But as my dad said to me when I told him about the car problems, "It's all a part of life. At least you have a job so you don't have to worry about paying for the work to be done."

Which brings me to yet another prayer request: We have a wonderful woman that does lunchtime supervision at my school.  I taught her middle child in the first and second grade, and I hope to teach her youngest in a couple of years.  She is one of the kindest people I have ever met.  She came to school today in tears because her husband was given a year to live. He has pancreatic cancer and is the main breadwinner for the family.  Their eldest just did his Confirmation and starts high school in the fall and the youngest is only five. I cannot imagine the grief she is going through.  Please storm heaven for them, I will be approaching my principal about doing something for them as a school community, but she needs prayers now.

My lack of new countertop seems really unimportant now.

It's Official

We are official pg on paper. 

So the, (hopefully not long) wait begins. 

Mr JB surprised me with these to celebrate:

This is a direct quote, "Now that you're technical pg, I thought I'd get you flowers." 

God truly sent me a good egg. 

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us! 

I survived

Today was my ninth Mother's Day. 

My ninth as an infertile woman. 

I'm almost thankful that it was also my school's First Communion because I was able to focus on something else besides my sorry self. 

It was all good until the priest made the mothers in the congregation stand up. I was thankful for the fidgety kid that couldn't pay attention for the life of him. 

But this year was a bit different.

We're waiting for our homestudy to be approved. All of our paperwork has been submitted and we have to wait to be paired with a social worker with C.AS. 

I'm essentially pg on paper. 

And my crazy mother was a little less crazy today. She felt sorry for me for having to work on a Sunday, so she made us dinner. After we ate we took her out for ice cream. 

Oh, how I wish she could always be less crazy. 

I have prayed this for almost ten years, but I really hope that this is my last childless Mother's Day. I think I've spent enough time in barren purgatory. 

Thank God for margaritas and vegan, gluten-free cupcakes! 

Running for my life

Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I am running my first 5K this Sunday (don't worry, I'm going to mass Saturday night. I need all the prayers I can muster!).

Originally I was supposed to run 10K, but I was plagued with illness after illness and my training went down the tubes.

I'm petrified. It's one thing to run on a treadmill or on my own outside (not that there's been much of that since it's so cold or rainy or cold and rainy up here), but in a crowd of many experienced runners? Eeeek!

Running has been a saving grace for me this past year. I started a year ago, and I didn't think it would be possible to run a kilometre, let alone five without dying.

I'm offering up this race for all of you still slogging it out in the TTC world, as well as for all of us that are waiting to be matched in adoptions.

So, if you're so inclined at about 9:30am (EST) please say a quick prayer that I can make it to the finish line!

Is there a patron saint for running????

My Divine Mercy Sunday

What a day!

First off, words cannot express how happy that Pope John Paul II became a saint today! I was lucky enough to attend World Youth Day in Toronto in 2002, and being in the audience provoked a big change in my life. We also visited Rome on our honeymoon soon after his passing in 2005, and we were able to pray at his grave under St. Peter's.

St. John Paul II, pray for us!!!

We also celebrated my fertile BFF's son's First Communion this morning. I am so proud of him! His pew had the most guests and the priest seemed quite impressed that so many came to the 9am mass. Mr. JB and I offered to move to another pew so other family members could sit up front, but my BFF's mom insisted that we stay, and she isn't someone that one chooses to argue with! 

I tried really hard not to think that if we had conceived when we first got married that our child would be making their First Communion as well. The pain was there, but faint. I tried my best to focus on being the official family photographer. It's hard not to think about the could have beens, but this is the reality of my IF life and I'm trying to focus on what's ahead with our adoption plans.

After the First Communion (and travelling across the city) we had a family get-together with my mother's side of the family. There are quite a few April birthdays so my mom's siblings usually just have one big party. I was pretty shocked to see that my parents were in attendance! For those of you not in the know, my mother has been feuding with some of her siblings. The entire family hasn't been together in over three years. I hope and pray that this is a good sign. 

Lastly, it's my patron saint's feast day! I read about St. Zita of Lucca to my class on Friday afternoon and it finally made sense.  She was a servant and she performed her duties without complaining. Exactly what I need to do with my job, regardless of how difficult it has been (and will continue to be). St. Zita of Lucca, pray for us! 

Holy Week Happenings

I apologize for my post-Mexico absence.

I've had a tough Lenten season.

Actually, I've had an extremely difficult school year and after we returned from our vacation down south, I was ready to quit my job.

Or at least take an extended leave of absence.

I know that I'm not new to education.

I also know that I have had difficult classes, and difficult students.

But this group is just taking EVERYTHING out of me.

It also doesn't help that my immune system is on strike and that I've been sick four times since the new year started.

I also have an incredibly sore left shoulder. No, I didn't fall or do anything to hurt myself.

It's stress.

My body is on strike.

Have I mentioned that I'm trying to train for a 5K at the beginning of May?

But I digress....

It did strike me a couple of weeks ago that I needed to rise above all of these trials -- physical, mental and spiritual, and that perhaps I was going through such a hard time so I could walk the 40 days of Lent very closely with our Lord.

It wasn't just enough to give up my trips to St.arbucks, but I needed to get in touch with faith.

Mr. JB and I have attended the Stations of the Cross at our parish on Friday nights since Lent started and it has been such a fantastic way to remind me that my suffering is just a small fraction of what Jesus went through for us. Every time I get frustrated, I look at the crucifix in my classroom and I ask Him to help me be more patient. Instead of yelling at my class, I stop and say a quiet prayer and I try to move on and redirect the student that's doing something aggravating/silly/plain stupid (let's just say that there's been A LOT of praying!).

So, despite having a trying Lent, The Lord has given me a couple of gifts:

I saw my Napro doctor last week and miraculously my FSH has dropped!!!! Since I'm on the bare minimum of meds (i.e. post-Peak HCG to keep the PMS beast at bay), it was shocking to me. My FSH has been over twenty basically since my surgeries in Omaha, and even with drug intervention it didn't go down. We decide to stop (actively) TTC and it goes down to 11. 

Not the best number, but amazing for me!

My doctor was pleasantly surprised and couldn't figure out a medical explanation. My answer was, "God works in mysterious ways."

Also, our homestudy is done! All we have to do is sign it and give it back to our social worker. We have some paperwork to do for the Ch.ildren's A.id So.ciety so we can be assigned a caseworker. Please pray that our homestudy is approved quickly!

I want to wish all of you a very Happy Easter. The JBs are heading out of town so I don't know how much internet I'm going to have. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Although I haven't been commenting I have been keeping with the blogosphere. You all continue to be in my prayers!

Learning to be lazy

I thought I was going to die yesterday. 

I'm not exaggerating. 

Not one bit. 

We went to the mainland to visit a girlfriend who moved there last year (can I say jealous enough????). I didn't think that the ferry would be a big deal, but it was. 

I don't mind little boats.

That are propelled by oars. 

That are close to shore.

Larger, faster boats.

Non, merci.

I will never go on a cruise. 

When we were in town earlier this week I could barely look at the cruise ships docked in the harbour. I felt like hyperventilating when my friend asked if we wanted to see her ship.

Again, non, merci.

So the ferry ride was incredibly bumpy because of the bad weather and wind. 

I have never been so grateful to have my rosary with me. Did I ever work those beads!!! 

A bunch of you got some prayers last night! 

So this morning instead of getting up for a run I decided to sleep in. 

For those of you that have followed this blog, you know that is a big deal. 

I don't usually say no to exercise, unless I'm injured or sick.

Of which I was neither.

I chose to be lazy.

And watch re-runs of Frie.nds.

I will be partaking in the pool aerobics, but I can't imagine it will be too taxing.

Maybe this is a first step in forgiving my body?

Perhaps I'm trying to be kinder?

I'm trying hard not to feel guilty, because I do. 

But I will resist the urge to run back to our room and put on my running shoes.

Instead I promise to stay under my palapa and read magazines.

If I say it here, I can't very well do the opposite, right? 

Thoughts from under my palapa

[I go months without anything to say and I go away on vacation and suddenly I'm struck with so much inspiration.]

Sitting around not doing much of nothing gives me so much time to think. 

When I'm home running around like a chicken without a head (with my class this year I have to be ON all the time, there is A LOT to manage: low readers, bad behaviours, lazy kids and just plain dumbness)  I don't have time to think too deeply. And when I get home I'm too exhausted to think about much. 

As I lie under my palapa covered in a beach cover-up and wearing a tankini, I wish I was braver. 

There are many women at my resort that are proudly wearing bikinis (that really shouldn't be), but who don't care about what others think. 

Regardless of all the working out, running and yoga that I do, I never feel confident enough to wear anything remotely revealing on the beach. 

Who do I have to blame?

My crazy mother?

The media?

But really, it's mostly me. 

As I ran on the treadmill this morning all I could think of was how much more I could do, not what I was actually accomplishing. 

Honesty, I am such a head case. 

I wish I could be prouder of my body.

Scars and all.

Little dimples of cellulite included. 

I've spent almost ten years of my life trying to get it to do something that it just can't. I wish I could accept all of my body's faults.

And maybe even forgive it.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to accomplish all that sitting on the beach today, but I think recognizing my crazy is the first step. 

Blisters

My right foot has been our first casualty of our trip.

We went into town for Sunday mass and I didn't think to "break in" my sandals. I also forgot to pack band aids in my purse we had to spend way too much money at a souvenir shop.

I know, first world problems. 

Mass was beautiful, if not long. I really wish I spoke Spanish! The only problem was when I went up for communion I wanted a blessing since I can't take the host (the saddest thing about being allergic to gluten). The Eucharistic minister was apologetic and said that he couldn't give a blessing and that I would have to go to the priest (he had fantastic English!). Unfortunately, the priest was already wrapping up communion by the time I got out of my line. Mr JB said to ask for a blessing afterwards, but I felt so defeated by that point. He knew I was there, that's what counts, right? 

Today and tomorrow are completely lazy days. Our biggest decisions are beach or pool.

How I have needed this time away!!!!

Sending all of you love and prayers from underneath a palm tree! 

Getting away from it all

2014 is only three months old and I feel like I've been run ragged.

An INCREDIBLY cold winter (even by Canadian standards) plus a crazy class on top of furiously preparing for the end of our homestudy process has burnt me out. 

Have I mentioned that I was sick with the flu then a horrible chest cold for most of January and February? 

And that I'm trying to train for a 10K in May?

Thank goodness that we're not (actively) TTC! 

That would surely take me over the edge. 

Not that I have far to go.

I am so grateful that Mr JB booked a vacation down south. 

No boots. 

Or coats. 

Or scarves.

Or hats. 

For a blessed week. 

I didn't tell him, but I'm considering this our babymoon.

I'm hoping that this time next year we won't be able to afford a vacation because I'll be home with our kids (Yes, friends that is plural.  The JellyBellies are open to adopting a sibling group!). 

I am sending prayers and warm thoughts to all of you. I promise to toast all of you from the beach! 

p.s. I bring you the first towel animal of the trip. This guy was waiting for us on our bed when we arrived. LOVE towel animals!