Sitting around not doing much of nothing gives me so much time to think.
When I'm home running around like a chicken without a head (with my class this year I have to be ON all the time, there is A LOT to manage: low readers, bad behaviours, lazy kids and just plain dumbness) I don't have time to think too deeply. And when I get home I'm too exhausted to think about much.
As I lie under my palapa covered in a beach cover-up and wearing a tankini, I wish I was braver.
There are many women at my resort that are proudly wearing bikinis (that really shouldn't be), but who don't care about what others think.
Regardless of all the working out, running and yoga that I do, I never feel confident enough to wear anything remotely revealing on the beach.
Who do I have to blame?
My crazy mother?
The media?
But really, it's mostly me.
As I ran on the treadmill this morning all I could think of was how much more I could do, not what I was actually accomplishing.
Honesty, I am such a head case.
I wish I could be prouder of my body.
Scars and all.
Little dimples of cellulite included.
I've spent almost ten years of my life trying to get it to do something that it just can't. I wish I could accept all of my body's faults.
And maybe even forgive it.
I'm not quite sure how I'm going to accomplish all that sitting on the beach today, but I think recognizing my crazy is the first step. 
Oh friend. I understand. I was a much more confident woman before infertility. While my scars are not big, they are there and they are just a reminder of what my body can't or won't do. The impact of those scars, and the years behind them are much bigger than the scars themselves.
ReplyDeleteMay I offer this to maybe bring you some peace?
When Jesus was raised, it was His wounds - the gash in His side, the holes in His hands and feet, the piercings from the crown, the gashes from the beatings - that shown with the most glory. The very parts of Him that were bruised and broken that shine with the most glory in His resurrected body. We don't give up our scars, but our scars are what bring Him glory, and are what will shine with the most glory on us in heaven as well.
You are always so wise, my dear friend!!! I really hope to make peace with my body. One day, I will.
DeleteCan't beat Rebecca's wisdom! I'm glad you're taking a vacay and enjoying yourself!!!
ReplyDeleteI never thought about making peace with my body...I just have to live with it...right now it's been so tough to stop gaining and start losing weight...and that is hard to make peace with. Ugh! Glad you have beach time to reflect!
ReplyDeleteKind of along the lines of what Rebecca said, I think of my physical scars from IF as reminder of Christ and his wounds but also how much strength he has given me to keep going. The almost 5 inch surgery scar and little blood draw scars are battle wounds that show me that no my body is not perfect nor will it be until I get my glorified body at Christ's second coming.
ReplyDeleteRight after my second surgery I remember looking in horror at the new Frankenstein like scar and thinking my DH would be turned off by it, it turns out he wasn't. He loves me just the same, well actually even more because of the sacrifice and all that I was doing to make my body healthy. I do pray you make peace with your body not so that you can wear a bikini because um yeah, that's just like wearing your underwear outside in front of everybody ;) but so that you can be proud of who you are and how far you've come.
I've had body image problems for a long time, and what worked best for me was when I was able to focus on something that it could do - how much I was leg pressing (or something similar) rather than focus on the fact that no matter what I did, it never looked (or looks) like what I wanted it to look. It's been harder lately since I spend so much time feeling horrible, which means I haven't really gotten it to do much. I hope you're enjoying your vacation, despite all the thinking!
ReplyDeleteThe plentiful margaritas are helping, I have to admit.
DeleteSo relate.... Reality is not fun to think about. Harder yet is knowing that God can do incredible miracles and for whatever His better ways are, they are different than our expectations... Lately for me I have tried not to stop because it forces me to deal with realities... My grieving, my IF, my broken body, my unmet expectations and dreams... Etc. after 4 years I don't know how to make the grieving end or the tears to stop....
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you on all of this. Media and Mom and surgery scars -- the perfect storm for making me disappointed with my body. Let's throw the crazy out the window and fall in love with our perfectly imperfect bodies, shall we?
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