I have a confession....

I've been really struggling with anger this Advent. 

Really, really struggling. 

And for those of you who know me IRL, I am not an angry person. 

I don't even deal with being grumpy all that well. 

CD1 just made it worse. 

And the reality of yet another year passing without a child in my arms or my womb has hit even harder this year. 

I thought I was getting good at dealing with the IF business, but I'm not. 

Far from it. 

And at the back of my mind I think of my BFF's cousin who is dying and is about to leave her husband and two beautiful children. 

And the guilt builds. 

I know that bargaining with God doesn't work, but I keep saying to Him to take me instead of her. 

Yes, I admit it. 

Her two children shouldn't be without a mother. 

It would be an easy exchange to take a barren woman instead of her. 

But it doesn't work that way. 

It isn't about fairness. Or justice. Or even getting what we want. 

If it was I'd have all the babies I wanted. 

Oh Lord, have mercy on me a sinner. I need to trust in You so much more. 

Is He sending me a sign?

We just finished having daily mass with my BIL.

(Have I mentioned that I love being related to a priest?)

Both readings mention old, barren women. 

Samson's mom and the wonderful Elizabeth. 

Yup, two old barren women that ended up with with two amazing sons. 

This the day after my first CD1 meltdown in a LONG time.

Yes, an ugly, pathetic cry that I held in all day. 

It was pretty amazing that I was able to, but I did. 

I was barely in the door when the tears came. 

I was so happy that Mr JB was at his staff party and I was able to cry in peace. 

Hit infertile rock bottom right before Christmas. 

Ugh.

So is it a coincidence that these were the readings? Is He sending me a sign? 

P+15

I hate you. 

I really prefer when AF arrives early in the day. 

That way I don't drive myself crazy.

With hope. 

Yes, after eight and a half years I still have the audacity to be hopeful. 

Stay tuned for an update. I'm sure AF is going to make her ugly appearance. 

Probably during my class' performance in the Christmas concert. 

Or during yard duty.

St. Jude, pray for me.

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Update: No Christmas miracle for the JellyBelly household. I hate that I got hopeful this month. I absolutely hate it. 

Or maybe nine...

And that's hoping that my ladyparts are more fruitful in 2014. 

Perspective

There has been a lot of death around me.

My lovely principal's mother passed away last week.

Then my fertile BFF's father-in-law passed away.

And then while getting ready for my BFF's FIL's memorial service, I found out that a colleague's mother passed away.

They say that deaths happen in threes.

Unfortunately, the deaths I mentioned, although expected since they were all very ill and their deaths were not tragic. All three had good, long lives and had survived to see their children grow into adulthood, and one even had great-grandchildren.

This week we're waiting to hear the news of my fertile BFF's cousin who is at death's door. She was given the sacrament of the sick on Saturday night.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago, went into remission, but then the cancer reoccurred in her brain.

Her doctors gave her radiation in a last ditch effort to get her through Christmas.

Her last Christmas with her two young kids and loving husband.

I know that she is on so much pain medication that she doesn't know what is going around her. I also know that her young children don't really understand what is going on.

Her husband and kids are surrounded by a large, loving, Catholic family who have been praying for her non-stop.

Please, if you have a moment, please pray for their comfort. I can't even imagine what they are going through.

I know I can't die from my IF, although some days I feel like I can -- particularly right now on P+13 and I want to eat all the chocolate in the world, and I analyze every little symptom. One would think that after eight years that I wouldn't get my hopes up with every cycle, but I actually ovulated this month AND I have boob pain.

I'm offering all of my pain for this poor family. God is definitely trying to teach me a lesson in perspective.

Patron Saint of 2014

So this lovely lady, reminded me to get my patron for the new year.

After a short prayer at my desk at school this is who was chosen for me:

St. Zita of Lucca

Never heard of her!

Patronage:
- against losing keys
- butlers
- domestic servants
- homemakers
- housemaids
- lost keys
- menservants
- people ridiculed for their piety
- rape victims
- servants
- servers
- single laywomen
- waiters
- waitpersons
- waitresses
- Lucca, Italy

The only connection I could make is that I've been working closely with someone who is from Lucca, Italy.

I don't often lose my keys, nor do I have a servant or am a servant (unless, you consider parts of my job as an elementary teacher, servant-like).

I am so curious to see why she was chosen for me!

Also, her feast day is the day before St. Gianna.

St. Zita of Lucca, pray for me!

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Mr. JB and I finished our Christmas cards last night. It was a tough slog, but we had two delicious vegan, gluten-free cupcakes waiting for us as a reward.

Also, I haven't updated about my poor, old cat. After we took her to the vet (which is a much longer, maddening story that makes my mother sounds even crazier than she is), we found out that although she has bad arthritis in her hind legs and possible melanoma in her left eye, my cat will live for a couple more years. I found a wonderful place to board her (which also costs A LOT of money) and she's staying there while my parents are out of the country til the end of February. I get to visit her when I want and the people that work there are in love with her. St. Francis of Assisi really had my kitty cat's back!

Christmas Card Conundrum

I've been in a frenzy getting ready for Christmas.

My house is decorated.

Presents are wrapped (although I still have to get a few gifts).

And the last thing I have to do is Christmas cards.

Ugh.

For the past eight years I have dreamed of having my goofy looking baby on a Christmas card.

One of those cute collage cards of my adorable offspring.

But here I am faced with another year of writing Christmas greetings.

No cutesy cards.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Yes, I am angry that even after emptying my savings account and going into debt I didn't end up with a baby.

There I said it.

Sometimes it's hard to focus on being pain-free and having a better quality of life.

I need to dig deep down and get these cards done. Perhaps not tonight (since we're watching the S.ound of Mu.sic on NB.C). But they'll get done.

For now, there will be chocolate.

And some coconut ice cream.

No wine since I'm in my Post-peak phase.

When I finally sit down this weekend to write my cards, I will offer up my angst for all of you still waiting.

I should make my pain fruitful, yes?

Sacramental Prep Funnies

We have a wonderful retired teacher who comes in to help with sacramental preparation at my school. Today she read the story of Zaccheus to my students.

I love it when she comes in.

She has a calming energy and my crazy class just seems to become riveted, and they are miraculously quiet for the entire half hour she's with us.

It doesn't happen often.

The quiet, I mean.

So, after she read them the story a few kids had questions.

And this was the best one:

"Was the tree that Zaccheus climbed sick?" asked one of my lovelies.

"Why do you ask?" Mrs. Y asked curiously.

"Well you just said that it was a sycamore tree. So it was sick, right?"

She paused. I put my head down on my desk so the kids couldn't see me. It took all of my strength to not laugh out loud.

"No sweetie, the tree wasn't sick. Sycamore is a kind of tree like an oak or a maple."

"Oh...." the kid nodded, but I could tell that he didn't understand why Zaccheus was climbing a diseased tree to see Jesus.

Honestly, I could fill a book with the hilarious stuff that my students say!

The Ambivalent Infertile

I didn't fall off do the face of the earth. 

I've spent the past little while trying to pretend that IF wasn't a part of my life. 

Yes, I'm still charting and half-a$$edly doing treatment (mostly because I can't bring myself to say no to my beloved Napro doctor). 

Our homestudy still isn't done. Mostly because I just can't bring myself to make the last appointment for our home visit. 

Yup, I am certain that a little more therapy is in order. 

One of my Advent promises is to blog more often. I need to move on from the ambivalence I've been feeling. 

I'm not good at trying to feel nothing. 

Not only am I trying to prepare my heart for the coming of the baby Jesus, but I need to rid my infertile heart do the cobwebs I've let grow. 

Thank you to all of you have checked in and asked for updates. I've continued to pray for you all.

I guess I have missed my little corner of the internet.....