26 September 2010

Distracted Discernment

There have been so many thoughts going around in my head in the past week since I wrote my last post. I knew that after five years of IF that completely changing my focus on how to build my family wasn't going to be something easy to do.

It also doesn't help that last week was so crazy busy. Not only am I planning a completely new grade, but we also had our open house barbecue and First Communion info meeting PLUS I had the cold to end all colds. Did I also mention that Mr. JB and I took part in a walk-a-thon for our local food bank?

It's the end of September and I already need a vacation.

I've also limited our computer access by moving the laptop to the basement. I was spending too much time (read: I was wasting time on Face.book!) on it and I thought that putting in the office would help me focus. I have been reading the blogs, but I haven't been commenting much. I knew that taking a break would be difficult, but being a lurker is kinda fun.

Mr. JB and I have discussed infant adoption briefly in the past week. His reaction was pretty funny when I announced to him that I wanted a baby. For some reason his first reaction was that I wanted to do IVF! He was very relieved to find out that I was talking about infant adoption.

I've been leaning towards international adoption since I really want a child that sort of looks like me. I know that adopting from the P.hilippines (where my family is from) is difficult and can take a long time, but I feel that is where my heart is leading me. I'm also curious about adopting from K.orea and Ch.ina, and we know couples that have adopted from both places.

I need to dedicate some time into some research. We haven't completely disregarded domestic adoption and there is an agency that I'm curious about in our city. Do any of you have any advice where we should start?

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm exhausted and I need to go to bed!

20 September 2010

Who was I trying to fool?

So after my pity-party post on Saturday Mr. JB and I went grocery shopping. A normal Saturday afternoon activity that we both enjoy doing -- I love going to the grocery store with Mr. JB. When we don't go together I'm kinda sad.

But I digress.

We were nearing the end of our shopping trip when we stopped in the clothing area (yes, we shop at the grocery store that sells clothing and housewares, one stop shopping that I love!). I was looking around for stuff for myself when I was paralyzed by a little girl's purple puffy jacket on the rack. Then I said to Mr. JB:

"I want to have a little girl so she can wear that."

How could I fool myself into thinking that I could be childless?

I sucked back the tears and continued to the check out, but the thought kept on coming back.

"I want to be a mom. I want a baby."

Which brings me to another conundrum. I have blogged before about adopting from the C.hildren's A.id Soc.iety which means that we would not probably never adopt a baby. And I want a baby.


I've tried to convince myself since my infertility started to become apparent (heck, I knew that there was something wrong the first month I didn't conceive) that adopting an older child was something that I wanted. I tell people that I want a four year old and not a baby.

I am a liar.

I want a cuddly, big headed, milk smelling baby. I want the sleepless nights. I want to change diapers. I want to button up onesies. I want to baby-proof my house.

Again, duh.

The biggest reason, that I have just realized, that I have not started filling out the adoption paperwork (and I am really good at filling out forms, I'm that kind of type-A person) is that I don't want an older child. I thought that I could convince myself that adopting the "hard to adopt" child was my calling, but it isn't. At least not at this point.

So where do I go from here?

I have to tell Mr. JB, first off. I know that he won't be shocked. He sees me with my fertile bf's baby and I can't keep my hands off of him. I'm a baby person. Everyone knows it. Babies and small animals are drawn to me (yes, it's true, don't laugh). I know what to do when a baby cries and even the fussiest babies love me. I have stunned many a mother with my baby calming skills.

My biggest worry is the cost. I know that we're in a really good financial position, but domestic and international adoption are expensive. I also know that if this is the route that we are going to pursue I will not be able to be a stay at home mom. We lead an incredibly comfortable life right now and cutting that income in half would make our life very difficult. I also know that my dream of a detached home would not be possible any time in the near future.

I have seen many bloggers find a way to adopt, regardless of finances. If it is meant to be then we will find the money. We both have parents that have the means to help us, although I really don't want to have to ask.

So folks, what do I do? I'm frightened. I didn't expect this realization to rock my world like it is right now.

p.s. My chiropractor gave me a breast feeding book today. "You're going to need this," she said to me. I wanted to laugh, but I also felt a glimmer of hope. There's one person that's convinced that my barren uterus will conceive.

18 September 2010

Near Done


AF snuck up on me. I was in the middle of tiding up and there she was when I went for a pee break. I was suspicious since all I've wanted to do is ear chocolate and sleep, but there was a glimmer of hope that the H.ydrocort + HCG trigger was going to do the trick.


It's sad that I'm not surprised. The first thought that came to mind was that I want off of this TTC train. Five years of being disappointed month after month are just too much. I know that there are those of you that have been waiting much longer, but psychologically I can't do much more.

The scariest thing is what is going to come next. I hoped that I would be drawn to adopting, but the thought of remaining childless seems to be more and more of an option.

I never thought that I would ever think of the latter as an option.

The thing is, I'm not in the depths of despair, part of me feels almost at peace. I know that I have a wonderful life filled with many, many blessings and that perhaps this is how my life is meant to be.

More discerning to come, I'm sure.

13 September 2010

Ten Surprising Things -- the Procrastinator Version

That pesky girl over at All You Who Hope inspired me to write this, rather than mark my students' homework. She's such a bad influence.

Tee hee ;)

So here goes:

1) I hate to print which is not a good thing for a second grade teacher. I miss cursive writing so much. I have been complimented on my penmanship, but I think that it is such a pain in the butt to be neat while printing.

2) I wanted to be a doctor until I started university. I almost failed out my first year so I switched from Science to French. My grades skyrocketed and although my parents were really angry (they were in denial until I graduated), they were relieved when I decided to go to teachers' college since they had no idea what I would do with a degree in French!

3) I don't remember meeting Mr. JB for the first time. We were at an after school in-service and he noticed me but I had my blinders on so I don't remember him at all. Ha ha.

4) I listen to music really loud in my car, but I hate anything else that's loud. Loud TV commercials drive me around the bend and I hate any sort of loud voices or arguing. It's tough since Mr. JB has a naturally loud voice. I spend a lot of time asking him to lower his voice.

5) I love to exercise. If I didn't have to work full time I would work out EVERY DAY. When I was still living at home I would go to the gym five days a week. I figure it's the endorphins. I also have a fear of getting fat. It may have something to do with the fact that my mother has called me fat my entire life, even though I know that I'm not.

6) I speak three languages, but I am the worst translator EVER. I can only think in one language at a time.

7) I started my Ph. D studies while I was living in France. I left it all behind when I got into teachers' college back home. I don't regret it at all. I read some really good books and sat in on some interesting discussions.

8) If I could go back to school I'd get a Masters degree in Library Science or Art History. Have I mentioned that I love school?

9) I'm a neat freak, but I get totally overwhelmed with paperwork. I have so much to file right now that I have no idea where to start. My classroom, however, is perfectly organized.

10) I have owned only two cars in my entire life. My parents got me a car for my 18th birthday (the perks of being an only child) and then I got a new car when I was 29. I will continue to drive my car until it falls apart in the street then I am going to get a REALLY NICE car since I'm sick of driving a car that old ladies drive.

So that's it folks. I need to mark something before I fall asleep at my desk!

12 September 2010

A New Lease On Life

Thank God for whoever invented H.ydrocort.

For the first time in over a year I have had the most productive week of my life. I was able to teach, plan, go to yoga, see my girlfriends (I went out on Friday night until 11pm!!!), visited with family and I even had enough energy to finally move our home office to the basement.

I would not have been able to do all of that without H.ydrocort.

I was on adrenal supplements that were prescribed by my naturopath, but they did nothing in comparison! I did have to take a nap on Wednesday after school, but I think that was normal considering my body is still trying to adjust from the sloth of summer to being a whirling dervish.

What I'm most happy about is the thought clarity. I can plan things logically and not feel so absolutely overwhelmed. I even went grocery shopping on a Saturday afternoon all by myself! I have not been able to do that without almost crying in the aisles of the store in a very long time.

It's been a little over a week and I am praising the Lord for the gift of this medicine. I wonder if the extra estrogen from the E.stace is helping with anything (any advice out there?). The HCG is definitely helping with the crazies, but I wonder if having two new drugs in my system are both helping.

I have to go to the lab to get my blood drawn before school. My Napro doctor wants me to have my Peak +7, insulin resistance (I'm not 100% sure and the requisition is two floors up and I don't want to run up to get it!), DHEA levels (since my spit test in July said that my levels were high) as well as my fasting glucose levels. I'm also seriously considering doing the food allergy test that she recommended in the spring, although I'm petrified that it will limit my diet even more.

I love feeling a sense of accomplishment. The only thing that I wasn't able to do was figure out the WiFi connection to our new printer. There is no way that I would've been able to do all that I did today without a two hour nap. Mr. JB was shocked that I didn't nap at all today! I don't want to speculate about what the H.ydrocort is doing for my reproductive parts, but I'm hoping that it's helping out in that department!

9 September 2010

A Test To My Patience

And this time I'm not talking about my empty uterus.

My teaching partner is on maternity leave (FYI: In Canada you get a year of paid mat leave, you only get 60% of your salary, but hey, it's better than a kick in the pants!) and she will be returning in January. The teacher that they hired is fresh out of teachers' college and although she seems sweet, she's already driving me crazy!

It's not the greatest time to be a new teacher. Hardly anyone is hiring full time positions and it's hard to get sub work. The fact that this girl got a contract for four months is a pretty amazing thing.

Which brings me to why I'm so frustrated:

1) She missed the staff meeting on the very first day of school. The principal mentioned that we were having a meeting at 8:15am to get any last minute concerns out of the way and he also wanted to have a short liturgy. I was at school at 7:30am on the first day of school (our bell rings at 8:45am) to make sure everything was ready (which it already was, but I'm more than a bit OCD). Who misses a staff meeting on the first day of their very first job??? Her excuse was that she forgot which is also proof that she doesn't pay attention.

2) We decided that we were going to do our lesson plans in the morning. I can barely spell my own name at the end of the day and I am definitely a morning person. She asked me what time I usually arrive at school and I told her between 7:40 and 7:45am. I assumed (I know that I shouldn't have, but I did) that she wanted to know so she would show up at the same time. She showed up at 8:15 one morning and 8:10 the next. What is up with that????

I plan to tell her that I want to plan a week at a time so that we don't have to worry about meeting every day -- it also lessens the stress because you know where you have to end up by Friday. I honestly thought that she would've learned something about lesson planning in school, but obviously I was wrong.

3) She didn't understand the math lesson that we taught today. It was the first lesson in our patterning unit (i.e. one orange block, two white blocks, one orange block, two orange blocks, etc). The kids had to transfer the pattern on a grid. That was it. We're teaching the second grade, not university calculus. I was a bit shocked since the teacher manual had the lesson laid out step by step. She also brought the book home to review the lesson. I may have to send in a kid from my class to help her teach!

I recognize that my patience level is not at it's highest. I've been TTC for over five years, I'm sick of waiting for anything. I was also hoping that I would have a PARTNER, not another student. I think that she realized that I was annoyed today, but I don't know if that knowledge is going to change her behaviour. The thing is that I hate confrontation. I told Mr. JB that I would just do all of the planning, but he reminded me that she is getting paid to do her job (and pretty well, I might add) so she needs to contribute.

It's obvious to me that she just doesn't understand how hard a teacher's job actually is. I remember when I started teaching that I would get to school early and not leave until 5 or 6pm! I did that for the first two years and when I was off of probation I relaxed, a bit. Mr. JB is having similar issues with new teachers on his staff. He calls it a sense of entitlement. I have job security and I still want to impress my boss!

I know that I need to be more understanding. Perhaps no one told her what is to be expected of her? Perhaps she isn't a morning person? Perhaps she is just clueless?

In cycle news: I started taking E.stace last night. My Napro doc wants me to take it from Peak +3 to +10. I've already noticed that my CM has all dried up. I almost never use the green stickers on my chart and I'm so shocked that I get to today! The only side effect I felt this morning was a dull headache that went away after I had some breakfast and green tea.

The H.ydrocort is still working its magic. I did fall asleep on the couch for about an hour last night, but I functioned like a normal human being all day yesterday. I have to see my naturopath so I can discuss my normal thyroid, iron and Vitamin D levels, but that's going to have to wait until life settles down.

I can't believe that it's only been three days. It already feels like I've never been gone!

7 September 2010

Day One

So it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

The morning was a bit chaotic and I lost some kids from the gym (where we convened for our opening day paraliturgy -- I LOVE teaching at a Catholic school!) and I had to send some reliable kids to gather my stragglers. I thought that teaching grade two would make the first day a little smoother, but I was wrong. One of my kids ended up in completely the wrong class and the principal had to deliver her to my door! Poor little thing, a new school AND she had no idea where to go!

I did get some sad news this morning. One of my best students has moved to Poland! Apparently her mother just couldn't adjust to life in Canada (after ten years!) and she decided to move her three kids back to the homeland. I heard through the grapevine that my little student is having the worst time adjusting and that she is so unhappy. The dad is still in the neighbourhood wrapping up loose ends and he said that he's going to join the family, but I'm a bit suspicious. Could you please say a prayer for little A? She was like a bright light in my class and I miss her terribly.

In cycle news: Today is Peak +2. I think that I did my trigger shot on the wrong day 'cos I had peak-type mucus after I did the shot. Mr. JB and I used all the fertile days plus Peak +1 so hopefully with the H.ydrocort my ladyparts are going to work!

I'm feeling so good on the H.ydrocort! I didn't have an energy dip at lunch and I felt completely human all day long. The only time that I feel tired is before I have to go to bed which is completely normal! I love this stuff!!!

Only 187 days to go. I hope that this year is a good one.

6 September 2010

Reality Eve

I hate Labour Day.

For so many reasons.

I have been trying not to think of yet another Labour Day that is about to pass without a child in my arms. I have been trying not to think of just a few Labour Days ago that I thought that I would surely be staying home -- for good.

But this Labour Day is different. I'm not recovering from surgery. I'm not in pain and I have thankfully been taking H.ydrocort since last Friday. I'm definitely not 100%, but at least I'm not a hopelessly tired person that is trying her best to hold it together! I did feel an energy slump yesterday around lunch, but we had just eaten a huge breakfast and I always feel sleepy after a big meal. I had another slump today, but I was able to drive all the way home from my father-in-law's place which was no mean feat in traffic AND a manual transmission!

My biggest guess is that I'm going to need more than 5mg to get me through the day, but we'll have to see how I feel after a day of teaching. It's one thing to be tired when at home or entertaining, but actually using my brain is a totally different story.

Yesterday was an interesting day. My brother-in-law invited a whole bunch of friends and family over to my FIL's place for a barbecue. He's returning to Rome to finish his degree in Canon Law so it was his last chance to see everyone before the 14th. The house was full of babies and little children and although I felt the familiar pangs of sadness, I had a lot of fun playing with the little kids. One of the most interesting games seemed to be "chase Auntie JellyBelly around the back yard." It seemed like every child chased me around and tried to catch me, great practice for teaching gym to my class!

I would like to believe that this will be my last anxious Labour Day post. I would like to believe that I am not going to continue to be barren this time next year.

But I can't.

I do feel like I'm on the cusp of something new. The adoption paperwork has been calling my name and I know that it is almost time to crack open the envelope and be brave. I'm tired of living in limbo and the promise of what could be if...

So Happy New Year to all of you out there. I'm too tired to be anxious or nervous. My back to school dress is hanging in the closet and I've even packed extra flats just in case I get sore feet (which will inevitably happen!). All I have to do is say my prayers and go to sleep so that's where I'm off to now!

1 September 2010

Normal Sucks

Yes folks, normal sucks big fat donkey balls.

Ha ha.

First off, today has been the LONGEST day of my life. My appointment was at 11am and I felt like I have not stopped since I got out of bed this morning. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but setting up a new classroom takes A LOT of effort.

But I digress since this isn't a teaching blog.

So, my appointment with my Napro doctor was anticlimactic. After imagining the worst of the worst, I found out that my thyroid is normal.

I'm not hypothyroid.


Here are the numbers:

T4 Free 16 pmol/L
sTSH 1.06 mIU/L
Free T3 3.8 pmol/L

All within the stupid range.


My vitamin D was also normal: 153 nmol/L

My vitamin B12 is fine: 903 pmol/L

I was also concerned that my iron was deficient, but alas that wasn't: 75 ug/L

So nothing new is wrong with me, but my stupid hormones are still messed up.

Here are my Peak +7 numbers for June:

estrogen 204
progesterone 189

And for July:

estrogen 150
progesterone 95

(Sorry about the lack of units. I got a photocopy of some of the results so I could show my naturopath.)

My Napro doctor is concerned that my LH was high and that I didn't seem to ovulate until two days later according to my hormone and ultrasound panel from July. She would like me to try an HCG trigger on my Peak day to help the follicle rupture (thank God that HCG is covered by our insurance!). She also wants to change my F.emara dosage. I will be taking five pills on days 3, 4 and 5. In addition to that I will be taking E.stace post Peak (I will also continue HCG on Peak +3, 5, 7 and 9).

Two more cycles of this new protocol.

The biggest event is that she prescribed H.ydrocort for my adrenal fatigue, even though my levels weren't crazy low. I complained at length about my pervasive fatigue and she agreed to put me on a low dose (5mg daily). It's a start and hopefully it will give me enough of a boost so I'm not a zombie.

Lastly, Mr. JB got the result of his most recent sperm analysis. Apparently his great summer (= lots of adult "pops") has affected his sperm count. His count from last week was only 11 million whereas at his last sperm analysis two years ago his count was 36 million. The motility and morphology were both fine, he's just got to cut back on his drinking A LOT. Not a huge sacrifice in comparison to all the things I've had to give up!

I'm feeling so numb to my results. I so wished that I was hypothyroid so I could have a clear-cut reason for my IF. I would like to hope that the H.ydrocort will give my reproductive system enough of a boost so we can conceive, but I know that I am almost at the end of my TTC journey. I know that I have only so much more patience with my body and I need to move on.

I hope that after my meeting tomorrow then a restful long weekend will bring me more perspective. I know that I have a lot of discerning to do in the next while. There are adoption papers to fill out in my basement and other agencies to research. And most of all, I have a lot of praying to do. I have to figure out how to heal my disappointed and broken infertile heart before I can see what is ahead of me.

And hopefully it isn't an insane asylum, because I'm close folks. Really close.

11am (EST)

I get my thyroid and assorted Napro-related results at 11am.

Why do I want more stuff wrong with me????

I promise an update as soon as I can. Unfortunately I have to head back to school to finish up my set-up. I hate being a type A, OCD teacher.

I so want a busted thyroid (yes Sew, it is your fault!!!!).