20 September 2010

Who was I trying to fool?

So after my pity-party post on Saturday Mr. JB and I went grocery shopping. A normal Saturday afternoon activity that we both enjoy doing -- I love going to the grocery store with Mr. JB. When we don't go together I'm kinda sad.

But I digress.

We were nearing the end of our shopping trip when we stopped in the clothing area (yes, we shop at the grocery store that sells clothing and housewares, one stop shopping that I love!). I was looking around for stuff for myself when I was paralyzed by a little girl's purple puffy jacket on the rack. Then I said to Mr. JB:

"I want to have a little girl so she can wear that."

How could I fool myself into thinking that I could be childless?

I sucked back the tears and continued to the check out, but the thought kept on coming back.

"I want to be a mom. I want a baby."

Which brings me to another conundrum. I have blogged before about adopting from the C.hildren's A.id Soc.iety which means that we would not probably never adopt a baby. And I want a baby.


I've tried to convince myself since my infertility started to become apparent (heck, I knew that there was something wrong the first month I didn't conceive) that adopting an older child was something that I wanted. I tell people that I want a four year old and not a baby.

I am a liar.

I want a cuddly, big headed, milk smelling baby. I want the sleepless nights. I want to change diapers. I want to button up onesies. I want to baby-proof my house.

Again, duh.

The biggest reason, that I have just realized, that I have not started filling out the adoption paperwork (and I am really good at filling out forms, I'm that kind of type-A person) is that I don't want an older child. I thought that I could convince myself that adopting the "hard to adopt" child was my calling, but it isn't. At least not at this point.

So where do I go from here?

I have to tell Mr. JB, first off. I know that he won't be shocked. He sees me with my fertile bf's baby and I can't keep my hands off of him. I'm a baby person. Everyone knows it. Babies and small animals are drawn to me (yes, it's true, don't laugh). I know what to do when a baby cries and even the fussiest babies love me. I have stunned many a mother with my baby calming skills.

My biggest worry is the cost. I know that we're in a really good financial position, but domestic and international adoption are expensive. I also know that if this is the route that we are going to pursue I will not be able to be a stay at home mom. We lead an incredibly comfortable life right now and cutting that income in half would make our life very difficult. I also know that my dream of a detached home would not be possible any time in the near future.

I have seen many bloggers find a way to adopt, regardless of finances. If it is meant to be then we will find the money. We both have parents that have the means to help us, although I really don't want to have to ask.

So folks, what do I do? I'm frightened. I didn't expect this realization to rock my world like it is right now.

p.s. My chiropractor gave me a breast feeding book today. "You're going to need this," she said to me. I wanted to laugh, but I also felt a glimmer of hope. There's one person that's convinced that my barren uterus will conceive.


  1. Ugh :( Sometimes I think I'm fooling myself, too, but so far I've been able to keep it together around babies and baby items. Maybe I really AM fooling myself, and I'm incredibly good at it!

    You so are meant to be a mother, I just can't stand to see you waiting anymore :(

  2. I was always afraid of the money aspect of it, too. We spent $45K on fertility treatment and it was worth every penny. The money doesn't matter in the least bit anymore.

    Honestly, I think you should go for it. Just do it. Make a few calls. Do whatever you have to do. The money thing will work out. Don't let finances be what is stopping you. You won't care about the cost of things when it is all said and done.

    You will be a mom. Keep believing that.

  3. Step forward in faith, JB. If you are being called to infant adoption, follow the call. Providence won't fail you if you're pursuing that which is God's will.

    I'm excited for you and to see how this unfolds!

  4. I love the honesty of this post although I am sure it was incredibly difficult to write.

    I keep you and A in my daily prayers! I remember you both by name when I saying my prayers to St. Gianna and St. Gerard! I believe God is still working - I believe our desires lead us to God's will :) Praying for you, friend!

  5. Follow your dream, follow your intuition, the rest will fall into place!! I know it sucks to have to start parenting with a deficit, but it will be worth it and you will make it happen. When my "fertile" friends ask me how I could possibly spend so much money on IVF or Adoption, I ask them knowing what they know now, knowing their children and their personalities, if they would have paid good money for it. They always say yes. Babies don't need lots of money at the beginning, they need their mom and dad, thats it, you will make it work.

    I have to tell you, I am surprised by this post, I didn't know you felt this way, BUT I am so happy your being honest with us and with yourself.

  6. "I want to be a mom. I want a baby."

    Me too!!

    "I want a cuddly, big headed, milk smelling baby. I want the sleepless nights. I want to change diapers. I want to button up onesies. I want to baby-proof my house."

    Me too!!

    But I am not sure when or how this ever is going to happen. I am now forty four and I've been told so many times by several specialist that my chances of concieving are pretty low!!

    I need a miracle! A BIG miracle!

    I cried when I read both your posts today. My heart goes out to you, my friend!

    How about we continue to pray for each other??

    Thinking of you and praying for you!!

    Love ya!
    Maria In Mass

  7. I know the feeling. We've recently been thinking more and more about adopting an older child but I LOVE babies.
    Will keep your discernment in my prayers!

  8. I laughed out loud about babies and small animals! :) haha
    This was a wonderfully honest post, and I can't wait to see pictures of you and Mr. JB with a baby in your arms! I also have hope for your uterus ;), but biological or adopted, you are going to be a wonderful mommy!
    I'm praying for you!

  9. Yep, I can totally see you with a baby. Dear God, make it happen!

  10. I say, pursue your call. If it is a baby, a baby you shall have.

    I say, forget any pride or _______ about asking your parents for financial help to finance an international adoption if need be.

    From what I have seen on these blogs, there are babies out there! And, I guess, one just has to get the process started because there can be a wait...

    So you know, my Mom and Dad were infertile and wanted a baby. Then they saw me (a 18 month old with a speech delay) and "knew" at once I was their child. I was playing at the social service agency in little black leather patent boots while riding my little orange motorcycle.

    They were smitten. And, I was meant to be their daughter in every way.

    So, maybe a toddler would call to you? I don't know. But, still I think looking into getting that baby, however much it costs (working with a reputable agency) is worth exploring, gently....

    I think Divine Providence does put stirrings into our hearts.

  11. The money aspect sucks, I dreamed of traveling, I did no traveling, I would love to have new clothes, new cars, iPhones, all the toys, but I don't, because we can't afford it, we choose to put all our money, and our future money for the next few years (closer to 100k) into having a family, and now that they are here, we have no regrets at all. After all, what are fancy things if we can't share it?

    If adopting a baby is your goal, private domestic May be worth considering, your a women of faith, and a lot of the private agencies are looking for couples like you guys!

  12. Follow God's leading and you will find joy.
    Yes, the money part is rough. We had decided on Foster to Adopt through the state because we have no money, literally. We are so in debt because of losing $140K on our last house in a bad real estate market. We opened our profile to children 0-2 years, but really hoped for a baby. Guess what? God decided to lead us in another direction. We were contacted by a friend who knew a friend who just had a baby girl that she was going to place for adoption. Well, we knew from that exact moment that Isabella was our daughter, and didn't care about the fees involved. Because of all the legal aspects of an interstate adoption, we have ended up paying THREE agencies and TWO attorneys. The fees would have been much less if we had just pursued domestic adoption through a local agency to begin with, but she is worth every penny, plus a million more! We love her more than anything and know that God had intended her for our family for all eternity. And, people say, the money comes, but sometimes it just doesn't. No one has come forward to assist us and we will probably be in debt for another 30 years, NO JOKE. But I really wouldn't trade in financial security to replace being Isabella's mommy! It is worth living on hot dogs and mac and cheese.
    Just my thoughts! Trust in the Lord and He will lead you where He wants you to go. And that may mean giving up your comfortable lifestyle, but it will be worth it!!!

  13. No question the financial aspects (of all of these things, from treatment to working less even without a kid) are scary. They scare me, I know, although I know from experience that finances often work out differently in practice than they do in theory. (For example, here in the US you can get a substantial tax credit for adoption. Is that also true in Canada, perhaps? That could help.)

    I'm sorry your epiphany has shaken you up so much. But I wonder whether that might not be a good thing. I know I've spent a lot of time lying to myself about a lot of things in this process. Even now there are some lies that I can't un-tell, at least not yet, because I have a strong sense that they stand between me and a total breakdown, and I don't have the resources to deal with that right now. Even though I know it will hurt to let that safeguard go, I look forward to the day when I can relinquish the last one and accept the reality I really have. So, good for you.

  14. Oh yeah, I'm feeling the same way! :(
    I hope that motherhood comes for you soon! Maby you'll be able to adopt an older child and a baby! :)

  15. I am so with you on the adoption front. I really really want a baby from China or somewhere in Latin America, but like you, I want a screaming, cuddling, nuzzling baby. I am torn.....

    I haven't heard of Children's Aid Society, bout to google them. We have met with Bethany and emailed with American Adoptions, but many people keep telling me to just find an adoption lawyer and don't mess with an agency. Have you heard anything about this?

    Financially it is a major committment, no doubt about that. But heck I know for myself, I if could take back all the money we have spent these past almost 2 years on surgeries, meds, appts, tests, etc. we could have paid for a good bit of it, so like others I do believe it will come from unexpected ways.

    This trip I am taking next month was not affordable for me at this time. I prayed about it and thought about it, and a week later, I had 2/3 of it paid for. So have faith and keep praying. Maybe we will go through the adoption bit at the same time! :)

  16. I have so many thoughts about adoption (of course!) but it's late and I'm tired and should go to bed. So I'll write those thoughts later. For now, I want you to know how much I love the authenticity in this post. I love your realization. You want a baby. And we want you to have your baby and your heart's desire. And I'm praying that by next Labor Day God will grant you that request....As I was reading your post and thinking of domestic adoption, I started thinking, "Her baby could already be out there. Could already be growing. And she doesn't even know it." Oh I pray it is so!

  17. I think it's terrific that you're honing in on adoption preferences. MANY IF gals want the whole experience, in other words, a baby as opposed to an older child. That's nothing to be ashamed of...and you never know who you'll feel called to adopt down the road. Each experience is so different!

    Financially, I've seen struggling families adopt time and again. Somehow they always make it work. That being said, if my daughter or son needed funds for an adoption and I had them, I would gladly contribute. It would be an honor to help my grandchild find their way home, but I do understand why you want to do it on your own. One step at a time. 'Can't wait to see how this all turns out! Blessings!

  18. I totally hear your heart here- trying to convince yourself that something will be fine, but longing for something else.

    Praying for you as you continue your journey!!