Who was I trying to fool?

So after my pity-party post on Saturday Mr. JB and I went grocery shopping. A normal Saturday afternoon activity that we both enjoy doing -- I love going to the grocery store with Mr. JB. When we don't go together I'm kinda sad.

But I digress.

We were nearing the end of our shopping trip when we stopped in the clothing area (yes, we shop at the grocery store that sells clothing and housewares, one stop shopping that I love!). I was looking around for stuff for myself when I was paralyzed by a little girl's purple puffy jacket on the rack. Then I said to Mr. JB:

"I want to have a little girl so she can wear that."

How could I fool myself into thinking that I could be childless?

I sucked back the tears and continued to the check out, but the thought kept on coming back.

"I want to be a mom. I want a baby."

Which brings me to another conundrum. I have blogged before about adopting from the C.hildren's A.id Soc.iety which means that we would not probably never adopt a baby. And I want a baby.

Duh.

I've tried to convince myself since my infertility started to become apparent (heck, I knew that there was something wrong the first month I didn't conceive) that adopting an older child was something that I wanted. I tell people that I want a four year old and not a baby.

I am a liar.

I want a cuddly, big headed, milk smelling baby. I want the sleepless nights. I want to change diapers. I want to button up onesies. I want to baby-proof my house.

Again, duh.

The biggest reason, that I have just realized, that I have not started filling out the adoption paperwork (and I am really good at filling out forms, I'm that kind of type-A person) is that I don't want an older child. I thought that I could convince myself that adopting the "hard to adopt" child was my calling, but it isn't. At least not at this point.

So where do I go from here?

I have to tell Mr. JB, first off. I know that he won't be shocked. He sees me with my fertile bf's baby and I can't keep my hands off of him. I'm a baby person. Everyone knows it. Babies and small animals are drawn to me (yes, it's true, don't laugh). I know what to do when a baby cries and even the fussiest babies love me. I have stunned many a mother with my baby calming skills.

My biggest worry is the cost. I know that we're in a really good financial position, but domestic and international adoption are expensive. I also know that if this is the route that we are going to pursue I will not be able to be a stay at home mom. We lead an incredibly comfortable life right now and cutting that income in half would make our life very difficult. I also know that my dream of a detached home would not be possible any time in the near future.

I have seen many bloggers find a way to adopt, regardless of finances. If it is meant to be then we will find the money. We both have parents that have the means to help us, although I really don't want to have to ask.

So folks, what do I do? I'm frightened. I didn't expect this realization to rock my world like it is right now.

p.s. My chiropractor gave me a breast feeding book today. "You're going to need this," she said to me. I wanted to laugh, but I also felt a glimmer of hope. There's one person that's convinced that my barren uterus will conceive.