18 September 2010

Near Done


AF snuck up on me. I was in the middle of tiding up and there she was when I went for a pee break. I was suspicious since all I've wanted to do is ear chocolate and sleep, but there was a glimmer of hope that the H.ydrocort + HCG trigger was going to do the trick.


It's sad that I'm not surprised. The first thought that came to mind was that I want off of this TTC train. Five years of being disappointed month after month are just too much. I know that there are those of you that have been waiting much longer, but psychologically I can't do much more.

The scariest thing is what is going to come next. I hoped that I would be drawn to adopting, but the thought of remaining childless seems to be more and more of an option.

I never thought that I would ever think of the latter as an option.

The thing is, I'm not in the depths of despair, part of me feels almost at peace. I know that I have a wonderful life filled with many, many blessings and that perhaps this is how my life is meant to be.

More discerning to come, I'm sure.


  1. Oh, I am sorry. I will pray for your continued discernment. I had my own little freak out session this morning about adoption. I do want to do it, but it just seems so overwhelming sometimes. ((((Hugs))))

  2. CD 1 stinks no matter how it comes, even on a break cycle. It just plain stinks, as a disgustingly gross reminder that you are, yes still, barren.

    I never once thought I'd have "peace" with living childless, myself, but through what I can only imagine is the grace of prayer, I am definately there. At least for now. So I do understand what you mean about that.

    Father Mike's still praying for us both. I don't think his special "talents" have worn out just yet... but they could take some time.

  3. I'm amazed at your strength thus far tic for 5 year! I know that's how long it took us, but we stopped actually trying every month at 3.5 years, as I would never get pregnant,and was totally burnt out then from trying, I'm really hoping that this new treatments will work


  4. Oh J, I'm so sorry. I agree w/ Duck, I'm amazed at 5 yrs TTC... I was at the breaking point by 2. Discernment is always a good thing and I will pray for yours.

  5. I'm so sorry! This hasn't been the best week for some of us IF girls... :/

    CD1 can suck it.

    I'll be praying for you extra today!!

  6. 5 years is a long time...for me, years 2-5 were the hardest! Now, at 9 years of TTC with no pregnancies, I don't know how I made it this long. Only by God's grace, I am sure. Although I really didn't cooperate with His Grace very well. I am praying for you as I am for all IF women so that God gives all of us peace to live each day for Him!

  7. My doctor told me that if the hydrocortisone was going to work for my infertility..meaning if it was the last thing standing between me and a pregnancy.. it would take a long time, like six months or more (which is actually not too long in the grand sheme of things). And he was right! Almost exactly, actually. I felt good right away on it, but apparently it can take a while to actually turn your cortisol levels around completely.

    So my point is.. it can still work for you! I have hope!!

  8. I'm sorry that sneaky little b*tch showed up... Ahem, excuse my language.

    I know you will find peace, one way or another, I just hope it happens soon. You have my thoughts and prayers.

  9. I love AYWH's comment! I have so much hope for you, and I will pray for your continued discernment.

  10. I'm so sorry. I think what AYWH said could really apply to you. It's hard waiting and not knowing but I'm hoping for you. Hugs and prayers.

  11. Five years is a long struggle. I was just about to start trying when I got sick, so I had to wait and wait. Sending hugs to you. One thing that we looked into was fostering children. It's a tough at times, but you really would be good at it.

  12. So sorry to hear about CD 1. Praying for you as you continue to discern your path for the future. I was on the hydro.cort for a bit over six months before I got pregnant, just like AWYH.

  13. AYWH and Mrs. Blondies may be on to something! I will pray that no matter what route you take, or how it plays out, that you will find great peace and joy.

  14. :( Praying for you and your discernment. Come Holy Spirit!

  15. I hope the HC will still help you, I def think it's too soon to say it didnt' work! I want a happy ending for you! AND TCIE! I won't give up on either of you!

  16. Sorry for CD1, I had mine on Friday! Ugh!!

  17. Sorry about cd1. Yes, I agree, year after year of disappointment after disappointment is really hard to take. I hope you have some peace soon with whatever path you're meant to take...

  18. I understand your frustration. It must be so hard after that amount of time. I'm liking what these other girls are saying though...I'd say give it a few more months on the meds! Who knows if your body just needs to get used to it before it kicks in?

  19. I just talked to the surgeons who treated my stage 4 endo to tell them we had conceived. They were commenting on how many stage 4 pregnancies they have had as of late. And how, conventional wisdom says one's greatest chances for conception after stage 4 surgery is in the first 6 months to a year ... but that they are starting to think that most stage 4 endo patients are actually conceiving, just much further out than we ever thought. They even want to do a study on this to see if their suspicions are correct.

    It certainly was true in my case, if you look at time lapsed from surgery #1 to my pregnancy -- almost 2.5 years.

    I understand how frustrating the ttc rollercoaster is and how it feels just to want off.

  20. I know EXACTLY how you feel! I feel the same way. I am forty four now, married for three years, and not once in those whole three years have I conceived even once. A couple of times my cycle was a few days late and let my hopes up that maybe I was at last pregnant! And when the test was negative and my cycle came, I cried and cried!

    I do NOT understand why years and years of praying for a child have gone unanswered. Does this mean God is saying "No" to me? Or do I keep praying? I do not know.

    I do NOT understand why someone who has dedicated her life to helping other Mothers with their children can NOT have even one child.

    Do I keep trying?? Do I keep praying for a child? I do not know. I do not understand.

    On Friday I will be visiting my new specialist who will be looking at my hormone blood tests and giving me his opinion whether or not we should continue to try to concieve or go straight to adoption. I feel very nervous and anxious about what he is going to tell me. I want to believe that God is hearing my prayers and yes, He will bless us with a child someway somehow!!

    I also continue to ask and pray to St. Gianna for the miracle of a child! I LOVE St. Gianna!

    Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you, always!! If you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, you can email me or call me on the phone! I would LOVE to have some friends who are going through the same thing I am going through too!!

    Much love and hugs to you!

    Maria In Mass