And why was I stressing out?

I can ask myself that question after the fact, right?

First off, today was an insanely busy day for me. 

I was the official photographer for a big school board event for about 200 kids.  I helped put together the final slideshow (while taking photos until the last moment). I was being powered by the Holy Spirit because on top of my responsibilities at the event, I had to leave work for my students (who had to be farmed out to different classes -- I owe my colleagues BIG TIME!), and I am sick as a dog. I really should've spent today in bed coughing up a lung (and was told by our school trustee that I needed to just stay home -- yeah, right!). 

By the time I got home I was running on fumes and your prayers. 

Lucky for us our social worker was late (her fault totally), so when she arrived her home inspection was super quick. Mr JB said that she seemed to want more decorating tips than anything. 

We worried for absolutely no reason! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that we did all the prep and that our house is technically ready for a placement. I'm type-A, I wanted my house to meet my standards. 

The only thing we need to wait for is my criminal check from France (which I reapplied for this evening because I still hadn't received the one I applied for in June!). We also have to fill out the paperwork for our local Children's Aid Society. 

Our social worker says that we could have everything wrapped up in a month. 

A month!!! 

I am so grateful for all of your kind words and support. I could feel all of your holding me up. I really could. 

Now that it's all over I'm lying in my bed, exhausted. It's amazing that I have the wherewithal to post! 

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us! 

This time tomorrow....

I'm trying really hard not to freak out.

Our house is (pretty much) spotless. 

Our closets are tidy.

Carbon monoxide detector is installed. 

Fire extinguisher is under the kitchen sink. 

All of the medications are locked away. 

The adult beverages are hidden. 

Even the garage is tidy. 

Paperwork is done (with the exception of our reference letters which are being mailed to our social worker). 

Even the glass of wine with dinner didn't calm my nerves. 

If you have a second to spare, please say a prayer. Our home visit is from 4 to 5:30pm (eastern).

I promise to update when it's all over!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, Pray for us

I have been so blessed to walk this long, hard journey of IF, with some wonderful friends. A few weeks ago, the lovely Rebecca and I were texting about some big events in our infertile lives -- we had just fixed the date for our final home visit and she had booked her surgery.

I am so grateful to have found so many friends that are so willing to offer up prayers, novenas, masses and pilgrimages for our intentions. We would love if you would join us in the Mary, Undoer of Knots while we embark on this next "phase" of our IF journey.

I'm starting a day late, because I am just not as organized as Rebecca! So, from February 22nd to March 2nd, please join us in prayer! Also, if you have your own intentions to add, please add them in the comment box!

Mary, Undoer of Knots, Pray for us!!!

T-minus seven days

Our final home visit is a week today.

Our contractor is done all the work.

Our amazing cleaning lady is bringing her crew for a DEEP clean our the house Thursday morning.

Just a few more cosmetic things to finish up.

I'm trying not to freak out.

I'm trying not to nag Mr. JB to death.

My body has broken into a strange rash, which I blaming on stress.

If you could spare a prayer for the JellyBelly household in the next week, I would be forever grateful.

I am so happy to have something to focus on, other than CD2.

Or my crazy class.

And I'm offering up my stress for all of you!

A new beginning...

I am trying to frame the news that my FSH has climbed to a high of 21 and my wonderful, hopeful doctor saying, "You can't get pregnant without help." in the most positive way possible. 

I knew going into my appointment today that I need a treatment break. 

Almost nine years of the IF struggle has worn me down and I knew in my heart that I was spent. 

I am look forward to finally finishing our homestudy. 

I am looking forward to having something else besides my broken body to focus on.  

Please Lord, give me strength. 

I have a confession....

I've been really struggling with anger this Advent. 

Really, really struggling. 

And for those of you who know me IRL, I am not an angry person. 

I don't even deal with being grumpy all that well. 

CD1 just made it worse. 

And the reality of yet another year passing without a child in my arms or my womb has hit even harder this year. 

I thought I was getting good at dealing with the IF business, but I'm not. 

Far from it. 

And at the back of my mind I think of my BFF's cousin who is dying and is about to leave her husband and two beautiful children. 

And the guilt builds. 

I know that bargaining with God doesn't work, but I keep saying to Him to take me instead of her. 

Yes, I admit it. 

Her two children shouldn't be without a mother. 

It would be an easy exchange to take a barren woman instead of her. 

But it doesn't work that way. 

It isn't about fairness. Or justice. Or even getting what we want. 

If it was I'd have all the babies I wanted. 

Oh Lord, have mercy on me a sinner. I need to trust in You so much more. 

Is He sending me a sign?

We just finished having daily mass with my BIL.

(Have I mentioned that I love being related to a priest?)

Both readings mention old, barren women. 

Samson's mom and the wonderful Elizabeth. 

Yup, two old barren women that ended up with with two amazing sons. 

This the day after my first CD1 meltdown in a LONG time.

Yes, an ugly, pathetic cry that I held in all day. 

It was pretty amazing that I was able to, but I did. 

I was barely in the door when the tears came. 

I was so happy that Mr JB was at his staff party and I was able to cry in peace. 

Hit infertile rock bottom right before Christmas. 

Ugh.

So is it a coincidence that these were the readings? Is He sending me a sign? 

P+15

I hate you. 

I really prefer when AF arrives early in the day. 

That way I don't drive myself crazy.

With hope. 

Yes, after eight and a half years I still have the audacity to be hopeful. 

Stay tuned for an update. I'm sure AF is going to make her ugly appearance. 

Probably during my class' performance in the Christmas concert. 

Or during yard duty.

St. Jude, pray for me.

------------------------

Update: No Christmas miracle for the JellyBelly household. I hate that I got hopeful this month. I absolutely hate it. 

Or maybe nine...

And that's hoping that my ladyparts are more fruitful in 2014. 

Perspective

There has been a lot of death around me.

My lovely principal's mother passed away last week.

Then my fertile BFF's father-in-law passed away.

And then while getting ready for my BFF's FIL's memorial service, I found out that a colleague's mother passed away.

They say that deaths happen in threes.

Unfortunately, the deaths I mentioned, although expected since they were all very ill and their deaths were not tragic. All three had good, long lives and had survived to see their children grow into adulthood, and one even had great-grandchildren.

This week we're waiting to hear the news of my fertile BFF's cousin who is at death's door. She was given the sacrament of the sick on Saturday night.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago, went into remission, but then the cancer reoccurred in her brain.

Her doctors gave her radiation in a last ditch effort to get her through Christmas.

Her last Christmas with her two young kids and loving husband.

I know that she is on so much pain medication that she doesn't know what is going around her. I also know that her young children don't really understand what is going on.

Her husband and kids are surrounded by a large, loving, Catholic family who have been praying for her non-stop.

Please, if you have a moment, please pray for their comfort. I can't even imagine what they are going through.

I know I can't die from my IF, although some days I feel like I can -- particularly right now on P+13 and I want to eat all the chocolate in the world, and I analyze every little symptom. One would think that after eight years that I wouldn't get my hopes up with every cycle, but I actually ovulated this month AND I have boob pain.

I'm offering all of my pain for this poor family. God is definitely trying to teach me a lesson in perspective.