Really????

Last month at the end of my cycle I saw an ominous license plate.

I didn't think it could get worse.

But it did.

This is what I saw on my home from the chiropractor.

It's not funny anymore and the devil can take a hike!

Hormones suck

It's P+14.

Feeling generally blah.

Crappy, in fact.

I wish that PMS weren't so much like early pg symptoms. It's such a brain-game.

I'm so done with IF.

FINISHED.

I wish I had a time machine and a bucket of cash so we can have our family.

Anyone have any hook-ups?

Please say a prayer -- Updated

I felt the strong urge to re-start our adoption journey. I've spent a whole bunch of time doing research on the Internet.

I know it's because another cycle is drawing to a close -- it's Peak +12 today. I just can't take any more disappointment and I need something else to focus on.

My heart is telling me that our child is waiting in South Korea or the Philippines, but both countries don't seem to be doing infant adoption.

Where do we start? Advice? Tips?

I have to surrender more control and that scares me even more.

----------------------------
Update: After my post this morning (don't worry, my class was in the library taking out books, I was by myself, I wasn't blogging while I should've been teaching) I saw the word adoption everywhere. The clincher was while I was teaching Religion. We've been discussing a family that's expecting a new baby and the dad happens to be adopted. We were reading over the things that we've learned so far and the second question was about adoption. Talk about signs!

Mr. JB said that he's ready too. He would love to adopt from Haiti. He's been saying that since the earthquake. God bless my ever-patient husband!

I don't know...

...if I should, laugh, cry or be grateful that I didn't have to pay out of pocket for all of the HCG I've taken during my IF journey.

It was kinda hard to look at all of the syringes and empty bottles of meds. Our city was having its annual hazardous waste collection and I actually remembered to drop off ours!

I don't even want to begin to count how many needles I've given myself since starting Napro...

You know you've reached a new low when...

...you have a urine sample hidden in the staff room fridge.

I wrapped it up in TWO bags and I stuffed it in one of the bottom drawers that no one uses.

Oh the things IF has made me do!

ps Yes, I'm still suffering from cloudy pee. It isn't consistent, nor does it happen every day, but it's still happening. Argh!

Summer Temptation

Why do I feel the need to buy this?

The Un-holiday

Mother's Day sucks.

Especially when one is IF AND when one's mother is crazy.

I woke up with a horrible feeling of dread. I would've welcomed the flu or a migraine so I could've stayed in bed all day.

I didn't want to go to mass for the inevitable "Mother's Blessing," nor did I want to see my mother (I really don't want to go into why her craziness has been bothering me, but she's gotten so bad that my ever-patient husband is even at his wits' end). Lucky for me, it's our month to usher at our parish and I was able to stand at the back with the church bulletins AND my parents weren't home when I dropped off the flowers we got her.

Two lucky breaks.

I'm tired of being childless on Mother's Day -- the seventh, since we got married. I distracted myself with two yoga classes this afternoon. I did my first yoga with weights class since my surgery and it was so hard that I didn't have time to think about anything else besides my burning muscles. The restorative class that followed was so amazing.

I felt such relief when I left the yoga studio. I survived my day without falling apart.

I know that I've said this before, but Lord could this please let this by my last childless Mother's Day? Please?

Blogger Inspiration

I've written before about my struggles with self-image. I've definitely taken it easy exercise-wise since my surgeries, but now that I'm feeling like my old self, I've noticed something.

My clothes aren't quite fitting they way they should.

I know that I'm older than 35 (ouch), that my metabolism isn't what it was when I was in my 20's -- when I could eat like a horse, barely exercise and barely push 100lbs.

Oh man, those were the days.

I put on a pair of pants that I haven't worn since before the winter and they were snug. And not just by a little bit.

I know that I can ramp up my exercise routine. The once a week aquafit class and one strenuous yoga class aren't enough (particularly when I miss two weeks in a row).

So I had the bright idea of starting to jog with Mr. JB.

He's been told to lose weight and reduce his cholesterol and he's been walking (although not as regularly as he should). Our family doctor has given him three months. We live in an area full of parks and trails, so running is something that we could do easily AND it wouldn't cost anything (yoga and aquafit aren't free!).

But I hate running.

I used to do it while I was still in school. I would jog with one of my roommates, I would run on the treadmill and the elliptical and I dreaded every moment.

I ran for a few years and when I gave it up I was so happy -- I never experienced the runner's high that I've heard so many talk about.

I am hoping that having a partner to run with, particularly one who has specific fitness goals, is going to help me (have I mentioned that I'm competitive? I'd love to be able to beat Mr. JB in a run!). I also know that I need to do something else physical because I have been so stressed out -- I'm one of those people that have excess energy and I need to do something constructive with it!

So, I'm going to take baby steps. Rebecca totally inspired me this morning when I read her post. I would love to be able to run 5kms without falling over dead!

I'm trying to push the thoughts of "What if I get pg?" "Is it dangerous to TTC while jogging?"

[Goodness, maybe I should Goo.gle that!]

Right now, this jogging plan feels right. And knowing that it will help me get back into shape is definitely the best motivator.

I know that I'll never be a swimsuit model (particularly after all of the crazy scars on my belly), but I'd like to say goodbye to the unnecessary cushioning! It's not the kind of big belly I want right now!

If you can't hope for yourself...

...lean on your friends.

I got a surprise from a friend in the mail. Something I needed on CD2 and after a bad day at work.

Thank you Patiently Waiting!

Foreshadowing

A couple of signs that this cycle was a bust...

And on my way to my Napro doctor's office the car in front of me had this for a license plate.

While I was playing Sc.rabble on my cousin's iPad the computer played this.