First off, welcome. I have to admit that I was very happy to see the end of 2011. I was quite surprised by my reaction last night when we were close to midnight -- I don't usually have such visceral reactions to New Year's festivities, but I last night I did.
2011 was a tough year. Not only did we start it off with a battle with my brother-in-law and family drama (which continues, but I'm not going to get into that here), but we have experienced so much loss. I am so sick of going to funeral home visitations and funerals! The toughest losses were my father-in-law's girlfriend and Auntie Fran, the former I had such difficulty with and the latter, I loved so much.
And then there was our ongoing battle with IF. I knew at the beginning of 2011 that it was going to be a big year for us. I was hoping that we would finally conceive our baby JellyBelly, but instead we emptied our bank account and went to Omaha. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the experience and I feel so much better, but it would've been so great if I didn't have to have two surgeries.
But I digress.
2012, I have to admit something. I'm pretty freaked out about meeting you. Actually, I'm pretty (insert a really bad expletive here) scared . I'm afraid because my heart is truly hopeful for the first time in two years and we have one of the best doctors in the world working with us. I am trying really hard not to be negative, but after so many years of trying, it's hard not to be a pessimist.
I know that I have to trust and believe, 2012, and really I should just surrender all of my anxieties to God, but you know that I'm a type-A infertile. I have such a hard time giving up control of anything. I want to be able to believe that this is going to be our year (and we've had more than one person say that to us).
I am not good at being scared 2012. I'm so used to being tough and brave, or at least pretending to be. I've spent so much of my life being independent JellyBelly that I don't know how to be vulnerable. I have never wanted anything so badly in my entire life 2012 and I am so tired of waiting.
Please 2012, can you please be a kinder and gentler year? I don't know if I can handle another doozy like 2011.
I promise to be really good this year, although I have no idea what my New Year's Resolutions are going to be -- I'll work on that next.
I apologize for the lukewarm reception. I hope that we get to be better friends as the year goes on.
p.s. I have a few friends that could use a break too. Check out my blog roll. I'm sure you can figure it out.
p.p.s. Thanks for the really cool patron saint! St. John Neumann is my patron for 2012 and Mr. JB got St. René Goupil!