1 January 2012

Hi 2012, it's me, JellyBelly

Dear 2012,

First off, welcome. I have to admit that I was very happy to see the end of 2011. I was quite surprised by my reaction last night when we were close to midnight -- I don't usually have such visceral reactions to New Year's festivities, but I last night I did.

2011 was a tough year. Not only did we start it off with a battle with my brother-in-law and family drama (which continues, but I'm not going to get into that here), but we have experienced so much loss. I am so sick of going to funeral home visitations and funerals! The toughest losses were my father-in-law's girlfriend and Auntie Fran, the former I had such difficulty with and the latter, I loved so much.

And then there was our ongoing battle with IF. I knew at the beginning of 2011 that it was going to be a big year for us. I was hoping that we would finally conceive our baby JellyBelly, but instead we emptied our bank account and went to Omaha. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the experience and I feel so much better, but it would've been so great if I didn't have to have two surgeries.

But I digress.

2012, I have to admit something. I'm pretty freaked out about meeting you. Actually, I'm pretty (insert a really bad expletive here) scared . I'm afraid because my heart is truly hopeful for the first time in two years and we have one of the best doctors in the world working with us. I am trying really hard not to be negative, but after so many years of trying, it's hard not to be a pessimist.

I know that I have to trust and believe, 2012, and really I should just surrender all of my anxieties to God, but you know that I'm a type-A infertile. I have such a hard time giving up control of anything. I want to be able to believe that this is going to be our year (and we've had more than one person say that to us).

I am not good at being scared 2012. I'm so used to being tough and brave, or at least pretending to be. I've spent so much of my life being independent JellyBelly that I don't know how to be vulnerable. I have never wanted anything so badly in my entire life 2012 and I am so tired of waiting.

Please 2012, can you please be a kinder and gentler year? I don't know if I can handle another doozy like 2011.

I promise to be really good this year, although I have no idea what my New Year's Resolutions are going to be -- I'll work on that next.

I apologize for the lukewarm reception. I hope that we get to be better friends as the year goes on.

Love,
JellyBelly

p.s. I have a few friends that could use a break too. Check out my blog roll. I'm sure you can figure it out.

p.p.s. Thanks for the really cool patron saint! St. John Neumann is my patron for 2012 and Mr. JB got St. René Goupil!

21 comments:

  1. I really hope that 2012 is much nicer to you, much, much nicer. I hear you that it's hard to be vulnerable. I've had people tell me how "strong" I am, and as much as I know how frickin' wrong they are, I prefer that they think that, rather than know the truth.

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  2. Hoping 2012 is much kinder to you, too!! Prayers sent your way, as always!

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  3. Happy New Year! I hope you have a grace-filled year and I also hope that you find out what having a jellybelly is really like.

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  4. Oh JB, I keep praying that this is your year. :) And don't feel bad for wanting to chuck 2011 out the window; I felt the same way about 2009.

    You've got an awesome patron for 2012, as St. John Newman is also a patron of Catholic Schools? I saw his body at his shrine in Philadelphia. Hang in there!

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  5. I think you have so much to look forward too with the new year. I bet it's overwhelming! I pray this new year brings you much joy.

    Happy New Year!!!

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  6. I feel the same way. 2011 was a doozy, and I hope 2012 brings good things. Here we go!

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  7. I hope and pray that 2012 is going to be your year! :)

    St. Rene Goupil has been popping up all over the place for me, lately! I'd never even heard of him until just recently. Weird.

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  8. Go 2012!!!!! Good bye 2011!!!!

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  9. I want 2012 to be nicer to us too. 2011 was just a year of ups and downs and I'm not a fan of the downs. Not at all. Here's hoping that 2012 is more than kind to all of us.

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  10. This is EXACTLY how I felt about 2011! It wasn't like, "hooray, 2011!" it was more like, "good freaking riddance, 2010!! Screw you!!" Haha. I know just what you mean...about being hopeful, and about how that hope makes you scared. We put so much hope on surgery, and it's so scary to think it might not "work." Try to focus on this--you've taken the steps you needed to to heal yourself, you're giving your body the absolute best chance you possibly can...and then just try to feel good about that each day. I know...so much easier said than done. But now, at the very least, you can have no regrets about what you didn't do.

    2012 is gonna be your year!!

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  11. I too have a hard time letting go of anxiety and stress. I know I should just let it all go to God since that is what he is there for and just trust that he has a plan for me but there are times its just so difficult.

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  12. I had to giggle because I felt that way about 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011... 2007 wasn't so great, either, but I didn't wish it violent harm like all those other years. I've learned my lesson, though. No more assuming things can only get better!

    I do have a lot of hope for you. Not just for a baby (there's that) but that you will find your vulnerability and embrace it. God wants you to break that strong wall around you and allow Him to carry you in your vulnerability. In your weaknesses is your strength. (I know that's from St Paul, but I'm horrible with quoting scripture, I always mess up a word or two ;) Hence, no quotations.)

    Big hugs, and lots of blessings for 2012!

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  13. Praying 2012 is a peaceful and joyful year for you!

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  14. Happy New Year! Here's hoping that 2012 is our year! Praying for you! :)

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  15. Happy New Year! I hope that 2012 listens and treats you right!
    Love your patron saint! :-)

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  16. Hoping and praying for you JB! I have a good feeling about 2012 for you!

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  17. I hope this year brings healing and new life for jelly belly and her mister. A little peace in the fam would be a bonus!

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  18. Oh 2012...let's be kind to us!!! Praying and hoping that wonderful things are in store for you and your Dh!!

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  19. Praying for you and hoping along with you this year! Hope can be a scary place. But I'll pray you have the courage to keep it alive this year.

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  20. Praying 2012 is an awesome year - yes, *your* year! Good riddance 2011.

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