15 January 2012

Learning Humility

I returned to my yoga practice this past week.

And it was hard.

Much harder than I thought it was going to be and they were both VERY easy classes -- both classes that were pieces of cake prior to my surgeries.

I had lofty ideas that after taking November off that I would be able to do the easier and Restorative classes at my yoga studio. It became clear by the beginning of December that there was no way that I could. I wasn't even ready to drive by myself until a couple of weeks before Christmas.

I was okay with being homebound since I was in so much discomfort, but I do have to admit that my pride was wounded.

I know that my level of physical fitness has helped me in my recovery, but the fact that I have a hard time not using my abdominal muscles is messing with my mind.

I love to exercise. I love the adrenalin rush. I'm also scared of not being fit.

I am also so scared of gaining weight.*

I'm scared of turning into an unattractive blob.

And today when I had a hard time getting into the once very easy posture (anything that involves lying flat on my back is a challenge), I heard that voice inside of my head.

A voice that berated, rather than was patient with my healing body.

I should've celebrated the fact that I survived a week of work with my challenging class. I should've celebrated the fact that I made it to TWO yoga classes, one of which was after school. But instead, it was the not-so-nice voice that came into my head.

So as I was doing a gentle spinal twist, one that used to be quite the simple feat for my usually flexible self, I thought, "You need to learn something from this."

And the word humility came to mind.

I am not good at being humble. I am not good at asking for help. And I am definitely not good at being patient with my body.

So as I look down at my little rounded belly, I have to stop the voice in my head from calling myself ugly names. What I have to do is remember that I'm still healing and that my discomfort and inabilities are temporary (although I'm still a bit surprised as to how uncomfortable I was last week. My body did not like going back to work at all!).

Hopefully in six months I will be able to go for a power walk or jog around the gym with my class, but if I can't I will be okay.

Or better yet, I'll have a rounded belly for another reason....

One can only hope.

*For those of you that have met me in real life I know that I'm not overweight. I have body image issues. I grew up with a mother that called me ugly and fat -- and yes, I went through a few years of therapy. I know that I'm not fat.


  1. I love that you are aware that even though certain things are difficult and pretty much just stink-you're not forgetting the why part...surgery!

    I'm so hopeful for you and praying that you will have a BIG round belly sooner than later! ;)

  2. This was hard for me to read. You are so beautiful inside and out. I'm praying that God will heal you of those negative scripts from the past as He heals you physically.

  3. Definitely go easier on yourself. The 6 week recovery time is really a minimum, and it can take a lot longer to get back to normal.

  4. That surgery will take time for your body to completely heal. I always gave myself 12 weeks before I took out the boxing gloves on myself :) You'll get there. Awesome that you went twice this week! Way to go!

  5. no worries, i totally understand, my family are weird about juding my body weight..when i'm slim they say "eat more" when i am a bit more chubby they say "eat less" who dosen't have some body image issues. I have had it all my life.
    And yes, you are slim!

  6. Way to go! Seriously, you amaze me that you got out to push yourself. You should be proud of yourself for the effort and (I know you know this) it will only get easier from here.

  7. I'm hoping that you get the rounded belly of pregnancy too. Good luck on the yoga, I should start doing mine again too.

  8. I wish I could love to exercise. You have me SO beat on that! :-) You are right to give yourself more time to recover ... I forgot how "major" of a surgery it was ... until I wanted to do something and it made me hurt. I am so impressed that you're back doing yoga not one, but two nights, especially after starting work last week!

  9. I hear ya on the body issues! But, saying you "love to exercise", dang, you must really be committed!! I hope you ease back into it.

  10. Don't be too hard on yourself--it's a difficult thing when you're in good shape, and then you have such a setback and suddenly feel so helpless. I was exercising regularly before my last surgery, and it was discouraging when I went back, how little I could do. And it does seem to take forever to work your way back up, but I promise, it happens. :) You WILL get back to where you used to be, little by little. The fact that you even have the energy to do ANY exercising at this point is a huge victory, especially with just going back to work! Celebrate the little victories, and before you know it, you'll be right back to where you were. :)

  11. I am having similar issues after my knee injur, I couldn't even do childspose. I went from working out 5 days a week to zero. Then I had my lap and then caught a cold so it's been a really long time since I have been able to do much of anything and I have lost all of my flexibility and stamina I'm sorry your going through this, as theotherladies have said, don't be so hard on yourself... You will get there, all in due time, just don't force it, don't want to delay the return any longer :)

  12. I think good for you for getting back at it. Patience, and you'll be back better than new! REmember you're still healing, not to push it too too hard. :)

  13. I was looking at the photo at the top of the page and was thinking how beautiful you look. It must be hard to be accomplished like that and then to go back down to square one. I wish I was half as motivated as you.

  14. It's hard to take things slowly! You're keeping a great perspective, though. Praying you get your athleticism back AND a great reason to have a big belly. :)

  15. Even while I was fascinated by the novelty of being laid up, I was horrified that it wasn't just a quaint act I was trying on for amusement, but an actual inability to carry around heavy objects, or clean for more than twenty minutes without being exhausted, or anything like that. And, yes, every time I gain a pound, I am concerned that I will never lose it again, and also that I will continue to gain more weight uncontrollably until I have to be airlifted out of my house. This has never actually happened to me, but I still think about it. Just a little bit of insanity that we carry around in our heads...

  16. Oh boy! Humility. It's what I prayed for Ryan two years ago and you know what happened then :( It's a hard thing to learn. I am amazed at your desire and willingness to push yourself so hard. I am putting a post-it note by my bed and it will say "Jelly Belly = rounded belly." Praying for it to be so!

  17. If you've built up physical abilities, you can regain them relatively quickly. The muscle memory is there--so you'll be back to where you were very soon, once you're healed.

    Hugs! I hope your recovery continues swiftly and that your prayers are answered soon.

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