Whenever I would get in trouble I would hunker down in my room and just pray that my "real family" would find me and take me away.
Unfortunately, my "real family" never came and despite all of the searching I couldn't find any adoption papers. Dammit.
My parents, particularly my mother, has been a constant source of grief. It took me a long time (and A LOT of therapy) to realize that her numerous unresolved issues are not my fault, even though she tries to convince me that they are. It wasn't until recently that I realized that my mother is also a compulsive liar. Take this as an example:
JB: Mom, can you help me re-pot this plant?
JB's Crazy Mom: Sure, why don't you bring it over to the table?
JB: Here you go.
Fast-forward to the end of the plant re-potting which by the way is just beside my brand-new cream-coloured parson's chairs. I go to the other room to tend to other things (or to avoid her, I can't quite recall).
JBCM: Here you go, why don't you put the plant back in the hallway?
JB: Thanks for your help mom!
JBCM: No problem daughter (yes, she calls me that!!!).
JB: (noticing potting soil on one of the new chairs) Uh mom, did you just get soil on the chair?
JBCM: No! What are you talking about? I have no idea how that got there! You must've touched the chair! I had nothing to do with getting your chair dirty!
Yes, I have amazing teleporting powers and I can transport soil from the living room to the kitchen. I'm quite amazing.
My incredibly patient hubby helped me root through memories of my mother's lying antics and we discovered that she is nuts, selfish, guilt-manufacturing and incredibly manipulative as well.
AND NONE OF WHAT SHE DOES IS MY FAULT.
It took thirty some-odd years, but her craziness is her problem and I'm done with dealing with it.
The last straw was my birthday lunch. It's family tradition that the birthday celebrant gets to pick where they would like to eat -- makes sense, right? Well this year my actually birthday fell on a Monday JBCM offered to go out on the Sunday which made perfect sense to me. When JBCM asked where I wanted to go I suggested a Korean barbecue restaurant that I really like. JBCM's response was, "I don't like Korean barbecue." And yes, I acknowledge that it was my fault that I didn't tell her then and there why that was a really bad response, but I was taken aback (which I always am since I always believe that JBCM isn't as crazy as she really is) and I couldn't think of anything to say. After that phone call I avoided her for almost a week and when she phoned to ask about when we were going out to eat I made up some crummy excuse that I was busy so we couldn't go out.
Unfortunately she finally caught up with me and again she tried to manipulate a "going out for my birthday on her terms" date for tomorrow which was initially supposed to be today. A big issue with JBCM is that she thinks that I have absolutely nothing to do. She honestly thinks that I just lie around the house watching television and twiddling my thumbs and that I have absolutely nothing else going on. I refuse to miss yoga tomorrow afternoon because her plans have changed. And really, her lame excuse that she was going to visit my cousin's baby (yes, the daughter of the eighteen year old) isn't quite acceptable.
Have I mentioned that I'm an only child? It's not like she has to manage a whole flock of children. Also we live in the same city. Twenty minutes away. But she acts like we're on the other end of the country and she complains that we live too far so she can't possibly come to our house to see me and that we always have to go to her house. My father-in-law who is over seventy and lives an hour away has been to our house more often than she has.
My biggest worry is that I will be just as crazy when I'm a mom, although my hubby promises me that I am not completely whacked like JBCM is. Her horrible parenting example has shown me exactly what I don't want to be.
I have worked long and hard to be honest with myself and with the people that really matter to me -- something that JBCM definitely hasn't even thought of!
I just wish that I didn't carry around the guilt that her craziness is my fault. But really, how can it be? I know that she has her own issues to deal with and that she doesn't have the wherewith all even begin to tackle what is at the heart of her inner struggle.
I honestly think that the way I live my life -- with passion and without fear -- frightens her. And the fact that I have a loving relationship with my husband (I'll have to deal with JBCDad in a future post) must really irk her, at least subconsciously.
I've never been afraid of a challenge, but the little girl inside of me (yes, the one that was wishing for her "real parents" to rescue her) would really like a mom that she could depend on.
Unfortunately I don't ever think that it's going to happen. Not in this lifetime.