I feel like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs. I also feel like the worst wife in the world. On our way home from work today Mr. JB told me that one his co-workers is pregnant with her second. She got married one month after us and she got pregnant three months later with her first baby.
As soon as Mr. JB told me her news I lost it on him. As much as I adore his co-worker (she's so sweet and her husband is a soy farmer which I think is so cool), I just feel so absolutely jealous and sad. Mr. JB felt instantly horrible, but sometimes I don't think that he understands that I feel like an infertile loser.
I suck. I know. But I'm human, right?
I just wish that my baby-envy wasn't choking me to death.
We have friends who were due yesterday with their first - they were married a month before us and I remember thinking that I'd at least be pregnant before their baby was due...and no sign of any BFP at all. I constantly go between wanting to vomit, cry, scream and just be numb. I so hear you - it sucks.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you suck at all. You aren't a bad wife! You're in pain.
ReplyDeleteIs there any way you can help him understand how painful hearing news like that is? How we IF women often feel broken because we can't conceive easily?
You need his help here. This isn't your burden to bear alone, and you can't protect him from your pain. That's what I learned recently, and finding common ground with my guy eased my suffering.
OH my dear, I'm so sorry, but you should not feel like a bad wife. You are dealing with something that as much as your husband loves you, he can't quite understand. You are only human, you have to deal with these kinds of blows as best you can. The fact that you feel bad about it shows you are not a bad wife.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard not to let the baby envy choke us, isn't? I feel it, and it's insane considering where I am right now in life.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can think of to tell you is that this is where your faith might come in. (I wouldn't leave this comment for most people, but I know your faith matters to you a great deal.) I never got answers I liked from priests, but from praying to God, from thinking about him, from reflecting on what Jesus would do in this situation, to whatever the heck else helps.
I'm a fan of Lonergan, but you may like reading someone else.
Feeling bitter and angry only hurts our souls, it doesn't help us heal. You are in pain, try to work through hon, but don't let it take you over.
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