24 March 2013
Palm Sunday Resonance
The end of Lent always seems to sneak up on me. Perhaps it's because I have struggled with my Lenten promises -- we had a visiting statue of the Virgin Mary at the beginning of Lent and we prayed the rosary every night, and when she left we completely fell apart. It may also have to do with the stress of having an incompetent student teacher (who was not happy with her review, but I was happy with what I wrote, honesty hurts, but it had to be done).
Today at mass during the Passion, a couple of things hit me like a ton of bricks.
I have struggled with God's will for my life and my path to motherhood. I prayed for strength. I have prayed for surrender. When our pastor read this I knew that God was talking right to my heart:
Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me; yet, not my will but yours be done.
Exactly what my heart and head needed to hear.
We met with our social worker on Friday to continue with our homestudy. I felt a bit guilty since we didn't do any of our adoption "homework" which is kind of funny since we're both teachers. There's quite a bit of paperwork to get through and the only thing I did was get my criminal reference check from France (which I am still waiting for, another exercise in patience!).
It amazes me how easy the homestudy is going, thus far. The fact that I feel so relaxed and calm just proves to met that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing.
Yes, almost eight years, four surgeries, $50K++ in medical bills, countless appointments, numerous specialists, countless medications and oceans of tears I feel ready to follow another path.
Which brings me to the other part of the Passion that almost brought me to my knees:
Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For the days are surely coming when they will say, "Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed." Then they will begin to say to the mountains, "Fall on us," and to the hills, "Cover us." For they do this when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?
I am almost certain that my interpretation is probably incorrect, but it was nice to get a "shout out" from the Bible this morning. I don't often feel blessed in my barrenness, but perhaps I am in the process of discovering the true blessings.
I am going my hardest to make this holiest of weeks count. My patience has been tested in more than one way and I know that I need to refocus and keep my eyes on the cross.