Torn

I wish I could tell you all that we are full steam ahead on the adoption train. Last week was insane with parent-teacher interviews and just plain exhaustion -- by the time I get home in the evening I barely have the energy to eat supper before I fall asleep. I have narrowed the list of social workers to contact to two and I'm going to have Mr. JB call them.

I've never blogged about it before, but I have extreme anxiety when I speak to strangers on the phone. It's definitely gotten worse in the past few years, but I can't help it! Mr. JB is pretty good about answering the phone and making sure that I don't have to deal with anxiety-provoking situations. Btw, I don't know why so few social workers/adoption practitioners have websites. We chose the two we are going to contact because of their (user-friendly and attractive) websites.

We had an appointment with our awesome Napro doctor this afternoon. I wish I could be as positive as she is. My FSH has not changed (it's still 15), my hormones are stellar, my CM is great, and while on HCG, my luteal phase is perfect. We're going to try the low dose HCG protocol 100 IU of HCG injections from day 8 to Peak +1) for two cycles to see if that changes anything. Also, Mr. JB's SFA was much better (morphology, count and motility has all improved, the results from August were just a fluke!).

Part of me is so over the IF treatment. This time last year I was recovering from my second surgery at PPVI. I didn't even think that it was a possibility that I would still be childless. I'm angry and disappointed, and still paying off a HUGE hospital bill. I am also resentful that we have to spend even more money to adopt -- although it's just a fraction of what we spent in Omaha.

I'm just so tired of jumping through hoops to become a mother.

My heart wants to be 100% invested in the next phase of our lives, but I have that little glimmer of hope that this new HCG protocol will be the missing link for us. Then again, judging from the past seven years and four months, it probably won't. 

I know that part of me is just grumpy and hormonal -- it doesn't help that all of my late-cycle symptoms mimic every early pg sign. When my Napro doctor asked about the possibility of testing, I almost laughed.

My head and heart are all over the place. I wish I could choose one path, but my heart won't let me. I'm so not good at working in the gray areas!

What would you do?

p.s. In my province, you are not allowed to adopt if you are pg. The rules say that children should be 18 months apart. If I were to miraculously fall pg, our adoption plans would go on ice. Whoever made up this rule was never IF and desperate to have a huge family.