12 November 2012

Torn

I wish I could tell you all that we are full steam ahead on the adoption train. Last week was insane with parent-teacher interviews and just plain exhaustion -- by the time I get home in the evening I barely have the energy to eat supper before I fall asleep. I have narrowed the list of social workers to contact to two and I'm going to have Mr. JB call them.

I've never blogged about it before, but I have extreme anxiety when I speak to strangers on the phone. It's definitely gotten worse in the past few years, but I can't help it! Mr. JB is pretty good about answering the phone and making sure that I don't have to deal with anxiety-provoking situations. Btw, I don't know why so few social workers/adoption practitioners have websites. We chose the two we are going to contact because of their (user-friendly and attractive) websites.

We had an appointment with our awesome Napro doctor this afternoon. I wish I could be as positive as she is. My FSH has not changed (it's still 15), my hormones are stellar, my CM is great, and while on HCG, my luteal phase is perfect. We're going to try the low dose HCG protocol 100 IU of HCG injections from day 8 to Peak +1) for two cycles to see if that changes anything. Also, Mr. JB's SFA was much better (morphology, count and motility has all improved, the results from August were just a fluke!).

Part of me is so over the IF treatment. This time last year I was recovering from my second surgery at PPVI. I didn't even think that it was a possibility that I would still be childless. I'm angry and disappointed, and still paying off a HUGE hospital bill. I am also resentful that we have to spend even more money to adopt -- although it's just a fraction of what we spent in Omaha.

I'm just so tired of jumping through hoops to become a mother.

My heart wants to be 100% invested in the next phase of our lives, but I have that little glimmer of hope that this new HCG protocol will be the missing link for us. Then again, judging from the past seven years and four months, it probably won't. 

I know that part of me is just grumpy and hormonal -- it doesn't help that all of my late-cycle symptoms mimic every early pg sign. When my Napro doctor asked about the possibility of testing, I almost laughed.

My head and heart are all over the place. I wish I could choose one path, but my heart won't let me. I'm so not good at working in the gray areas!

What would you do?

p.s. In my province, you are not allowed to adopt if you are pg. The rules say that children should be 18 months apart. If I were to miraculously fall pg, our adoption plans would go on ice. Whoever made up this rule was never IF and desperate to have a huge family.




17 comments:

  1. Praying we both get pg with next cycle with our low dose HcG. :)

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  2. I would say, go and pursue Adoption. You won't regret it. If your heart isn't in it is the only way I would say to "hold off." I don't know how God will write your path to Motherhood, but you are open to any way possible by pursuing both paths.
    Can any money you've spent be put on hold if you end up not Adopting? We listed with two agencies (one large, one small) and the larger one is "holding" our deposit since we didn't adopt through them.

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  3. I am praying for you! I am not good in those gray areas either, that is pretty much where we are. Wow, that rule is so restrictive, yeah probably made by someone who did not struggle w/ IF.

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  4. I was never tempted to pursue medical intervention so I don't have any real advice. It because clear to us that adoption was our plan A!
    I know it is not that clear for everyone. Don't feel bad about conflicting emotions. Use those times to really let to and pray for God's leading and His Will.

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  5. i am the kind of person who likes to pursue all options until one becomes clear (either through a sense of peace/knowing or an obvious external circumstance like pregnancy or a placement). are you allowed/able to pursue both at the same time for awhile? i hear you on the child spacing.. i get antsy about that too.

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  6. That rule would give me fits! The questions of how much of the adoption fees and paperwork could be held if you did get pregnant are good ones.

    The only thing I can offer is that your Napro doctor's suggestion is only for two more cycles. Though I'm sure that feels like forever while you want to move forward in some direction (any direction!), it is such a short time in your overall journey.

    I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you try to decide what to do.

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  7. I'm on the same page as perfect timing. Unless your heart isn't in adoption I would move forward with it. I speak from normal cycles and a lap with 13 yrs "unexplained" infertility behind me. It's just exhausting to keep trying and trying with nothing happening. At least with adoption you WILL get a baby.... Praying for you.

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  8. Like some of the others have said, I think it's perfectly normal to have these feelings. Also, I think it's fine to pursue both means of having children. I was literally in the middle of an ultrasound series when we got the call. I figured I would do what I could both ways and let God decide for us. I really had a hard time giving up treatment when we didn't have a baby. Now... I honestly don't know if I want to go down that path again.
    Hugs! Praying for you.

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  9. You are right...whoever makes up these silly rules...didn't walk in the same shoes as you and all of the other women out there who are dealing with IF.

    You never know what treatment plan will do the trick. I guess that is what I have to keep telling myself now too.

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  10. I wrote out a long comment yesterday which didn't post. Of course.

    Long and short of it was to pursue whatever combination of things you feel called to. The more avenues that are open for God to work through, the better, imho. Of course, if you feel hesitation over one or the other, do some prayerful discernment- but keep in mind, it is often very common to get "cold feet" for either of these two roads.

    I know in retrospect I was very glad I decided to pursue both simultaneously. You never know what God has planned for you, but that shouldn't scare you from trying ;)

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  11. I agree with TCIE (no surprise there...she's very wise). You know I think they oughta fast track you!! You are in my daily prayers!

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  12. I think the rule in that province stinks! Sorry for being so rude :) All that set aside, there is no harm going both paths right now...you need to be ready to set your limit. God's plan is what it is...already set. Let go and Let God and see where He takes you on this. Have you talked to your dr about adoption? Could your doctor be not looking out for what is in your BEST interest? You have a lot of years invested on that path. A new path started to open up. Maybe THAT is the path God wants you to take. Just my thoughts randomly spilling onto this page. Hugs!

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  13. I think if you are allowed to pursue treatments while trying to adopt and you will not lose lots of $ if you have to pause the process AND (most importantly) you feel you can pursue both at the same time and not lose your sanity, then that's what I'd do. I realize it's a lot of "ands", but you deserve to be gentle to yourself.

    Your NaPro doc sounds pretty awesome, could she guide you a bit as well?

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  14. Ahhh, sorry about you feeling hormonal and so torn. I agree with many above...explore both until one comes crystal clear...it will never feel 100% certain...you will have to take that leap. Prayers to you.

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  15. We have been recently thinking a lot about adoption since my diagnosis of PCOS/infertility. A family we just met told us of an organization that offers grant or help to those who want to adopt. ...Add that to asking loved ones to help you adopt by giving to your "baby fund" on birthdays and holidays might just be the answer to hope in adoption. The website the family gave me for the grants is: http://www.showhope.org/AdoptionAid/Miracles.aspx

    Blessings!

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  16. Just because your adoption plans go on hold if you get pg, doesn't mean they are cancelled. None of the money or time you spend will be wasted - it is only a short refresh of your homestudy you'll need done. :) So no worries, my dear. Yes, you'll have to wait - but you'll want some time to focus on your child.

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  17. I say pursue both. IMHO, I figure God will answer via one or the other. Peace be with you, friend!

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