25 November 2012

Admitting Weakness

So it hit me last week.

The reason why I've been dragging my feet with regards to our homestudy.

We found a social worker that we want to work with.

She answered our questions promptly.

Mr. JB is ready to go.

And then, I stopped in my tracks.

Frozen.

Then while sitting at my desk at work, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have too many IF issues that I haven't dealt with. There is too much pain and disappointment that I've carried around these past seven years -- yes, even resetting one's TTC clock to zero last year didn't help. I didn't get amnesia, nor did all the hurt disappear.

I wished that it could have, but it didn't.

I need to fix myself before we can move on. I don't want a child (or children) to come into our home with a broken mother.

My appointment is on December 3rd.

Not a day too soon. 


17 comments:

  1. JB: I so understand you!. I felt the same way, specially since my scars ran deep due to our miscarriage and yours are also deep. its very brave of you to face this and I admire you greatly for this, but at the same time God will grant you the strenght since this seems to be your calling. i will keep you in my prayers.

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  2. First - I love that quote, I say it often to myself.

    Second, and much more importantly, you are not weak nor admitting weakness! IF is not for the faint of heart and seeking out help is a sign of strength and humility. Remember, even Jesus asked for help from Simon to carry His cross. Sending much love and prayers your way friend.

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  3. Praying for you! Just remember that your children are going to get imperfect parents no matter what you do. You are so brave to admit your weakness and want to be the best mother you can be.

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  4. I love what Kat said...

    Also, isn't part of our faith that we are all broken, all sinners, but God loves us despite it all? I can't speak for you, but I think I am still trying to learn that I don't have to be perfect, don't have to please everyone, and that some wounds leave scars. Some are like the breaking of a bone, leaving that point stronger, others leave some weakness, either visible or hidden, and others just leave a visible mark. I'm praying that you find the hope and healing you need this Advent.

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  5. I love that quote too :).

    I think you could certainly overestimate the level of perfection children on average should expect from their parents. But, I certainly think it's important for YOU to feel whole before plunging headlong into the next challenge here - because even if it winds up ideally, I think the adoption process will involve a lot of strain and heartache, too.

    We expect ourselves - and I'm pretty sure the world expects of us - that we spend years pursuing fertility treatment as if it were a second, unpaid, very expensive, 20-hour-a-week job. And we're allowed to be mildly upset at the time, but not sustain any lasting emotional impact. Then, one day, if we realize treatment will not work out, we're supposed to wake up in a dazzling flash of sunshine unaffected by the experience, as if it had never happened. BS. If we are truly able to heal from all this misery (and my current theme is that fertility treatment is worse than IF - I've toyed with the notion for years, but I've only gotten to the point of annoying other people with it lately), it will be a process, and take plenty of time. Therapy would be good, too. I'd like to get me some of that some day.

    So, yeah - there's nothing wrong with you. The problems are with the expectation that anyone could get through an experience so harrowing and have no scars to show for it.

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  6. I love you. And Misfit's comment.

    You will come out of this SUCH a strong person. And a mother totally worth her salt ;)

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  7. You will heal because you are so completely honest and fortitude runs deep in your bones. Therapy has been a Godsend for me and my family. We aren't given a roadmap to navigate this journey- whatever the journey is. A good therapist will guide you to the right conclusions and help you work through the muddled up mess this life sometimes makes of us. Continuing to pray...

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  8. There are days I feel I could use therapy..especially when I'm still feeling like my body just won't heal! Ugh! If you feel you need to take of yourself first...do that..once a baby comes into your family...it's going to be about the baby.

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  9. Ahh. Good old therapy. I wouldn't be on my feet today with the 10 years I spent in it. Good for you!! Prayers for a quick healing a speedy homestudy process. ;)

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  10. JB - Thank you for this post. I have been unable to move onto adoption thus far because I just did not feel it was time yet. Others have suggested that adoption and fertility treatments are not mutually exclusive, but I disagree--for ME. I needed to KNOW that I tried everything that I wanted to first. IF does leave deep, pervasive scars that are not easy to ignore. Other commenters have noted that they do, in fact, go to therapy. I go, too, and I have found it to be extremely valuable. Prayers for your healing in every way.

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  11. You know, I see this differently. I see this as showing strength, not admitting weakness. You are strong enough to know you have hit a roadblock and strong enough to have done something to help you move past it. I hope you see your strength, too!

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  12. Misfits comment is so money. This is one thing that my husband and I differed on...I knew that I personally couldn't do fertility treatment and pursue adoption without feeling like I wasn't in it correctly, so that's why I wanted to have a few months (I thought) separation at the time. And what Rebecca said...admitting you are not perfect is not weakness. That's a huge strength! Praying you find healing of you mind and soul.

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  13. Aahhh...thanks for that quote, JB. Definitely needed that right now!

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  14. Praying for your healing, too.

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  15. Good for you! It takes a lot of lady balls to admit you need to talk to someone, and that you'll be better for it afterwards. Hugs.

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