Sometimes...

...I wish that I could wake up and realize that the past seven years of IF was just a dream.

I wish I could wake up to a house full of children and all the chaos they come with.

Their stuff.

Their smells.

I wish that I could complain about how tired, frustrated, annoyed or burnt out I feel to other mothers.

I wish I didn't have to work outside of my home. I wish that I spent all day teaching my own children.

I wish I was sleep-deprived.

Unable to exercise.

Covered in spit-up.

I wish that my body would work.

Just once.

I promise, if given the chance I won't forget the pain of IF. I will not take a moment of motherhood for granted. Even in the midst of many sleepless nights, sick babies, and defiant children.

Please God, if it is Your will, please hear me.

I'm so tired of the wait.

So very, very tired.

Admitting Weakness

So it hit me last week.

The reason why I've been dragging my feet with regards to our homestudy.

We found a social worker that we want to work with.

She answered our questions promptly.

Mr. JB is ready to go.

And then, I stopped in my tracks.

Frozen.

Then while sitting at my desk at work, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have too many IF issues that I haven't dealt with. There is too much pain and disappointment that I've carried around these past seven years -- yes, even resetting one's TTC clock to zero last year didn't help. I didn't get amnesia, nor did all the hurt disappear.

I wished that it could have, but it didn't.

I need to fix myself before we can move on. I don't want a child (or children) to come into our home with a broken mother.

My appointment is on December 3rd.

Not a day too soon. 

I am (trying to be) thankful

I am thankful that we finally contacted a social worker. I am also thankful that Mr JB sent the email since I really couldn't bring myself to do it.

I am thankful that tomorrow is a PD day and I don't have to teach students. I love my class, but I need a break.

I am thankful for good, hot tea. It was a cold morning and it really helped warm me up. What am I going to do this winter????? Oh yeah, wear the new winter coat that bought that's rated to -40.

I am thankful that we have almost paid off one of our bills from Creighton. One more payment and then we'll only have the big hospital bill to pay off (we'll be done paying that one off January 2014).

I am thankful that we are both gainfully employed so we can pay off the above bills.

I am thankful for being able to text my girlfriends that are far away. If it wasn't for your texts I would've already gone crazy.

I am thankful that AF started during mass. I was able to ask God for strength to get through another month.

I am especially thankful to work in a publicly funded Catholic school where I can pray whenever I want.

I am grateful for this blogging community. I know that even when I feel down and disappointed, I can come here and find comfort.

Torn

I wish I could tell you all that we are full steam ahead on the adoption train. Last week was insane with parent-teacher interviews and just plain exhaustion -- by the time I get home in the evening I barely have the energy to eat supper before I fall asleep. I have narrowed the list of social workers to contact to two and I'm going to have Mr. JB call them.

I've never blogged about it before, but I have extreme anxiety when I speak to strangers on the phone. It's definitely gotten worse in the past few years, but I can't help it! Mr. JB is pretty good about answering the phone and making sure that I don't have to deal with anxiety-provoking situations. Btw, I don't know why so few social workers/adoption practitioners have websites. We chose the two we are going to contact because of their (user-friendly and attractive) websites.

We had an appointment with our awesome Napro doctor this afternoon. I wish I could be as positive as she is. My FSH has not changed (it's still 15), my hormones are stellar, my CM is great, and while on HCG, my luteal phase is perfect. We're going to try the low dose HCG protocol 100 IU of HCG injections from day 8 to Peak +1) for two cycles to see if that changes anything. Also, Mr. JB's SFA was much better (morphology, count and motility has all improved, the results from August were just a fluke!).

Part of me is so over the IF treatment. This time last year I was recovering from my second surgery at PPVI. I didn't even think that it was a possibility that I would still be childless. I'm angry and disappointed, and still paying off a HUGE hospital bill. I am also resentful that we have to spend even more money to adopt -- although it's just a fraction of what we spent in Omaha.

I'm just so tired of jumping through hoops to become a mother.

My heart wants to be 100% invested in the next phase of our lives, but I have that little glimmer of hope that this new HCG protocol will be the missing link for us. Then again, judging from the past seven years and four months, it probably won't. 

I know that part of me is just grumpy and hormonal -- it doesn't help that all of my late-cycle symptoms mimic every early pg sign. When my Napro doctor asked about the possibility of testing, I almost laughed.

My head and heart are all over the place. I wish I could choose one path, but my heart won't let me. I'm so not good at working in the gray areas!

What would you do?

p.s. In my province, you are not allowed to adopt if you are pg. The rules say that children should be 18 months apart. If I were to miraculously fall pg, our adoption plans would go on ice. Whoever made up this rule was never IF and desperate to have a huge family.

An anniversary...

One year ago, I was just coming to in a hospital room in Omaha. The extent of my laparotomy was barely sinking in and I was in rough shape.

The first night in the hospital involved intense itching (from the antibiotic that I was given) and a blood transfusion -- which I was not happy about, although I could barely articulate why.

I didn't expect to still be childless, one year later. And I am trying not to dwell on the disappointment.

I made plans, and God did laugh.

But He also has lead us down a new path.

Thank you again for all of you support and prayers. One day, I hope soon, I will be able to look back and see why our Lord has chosen this particular road for us.

All Saints, pray for us!