On Temptation

I survived the last week of school.

I was able to finish my classroom move, not lose my temper and even enjoy my class just a little bit. The best thing about my last day was my most challenging student was away. Thank God for small mercies.


Yesterday we attended Mr. JB's best friend's Canada Day/Birthday Party. We were one of the two childless couples in attendance. The other childless couple knew before they were married that they couldn't have children. The husband had cancer as a child and as a result of his treatments, he is sterile. I am always glad when they're in attendance since it can be unbearable due to the plethora of small children abound (thank you to Sew and TCIE who helped me get through the party!).

WAY back when our IF journey started Mr. JB and I went to a conventional fertility clinic. One day I had an appointment with the evil doctor that I saw and I ran into Mr. JB's bf's SIL and BIL. It was quite the awkward meeting, but I was thankful it was them and not a parent from my school. They have gone on to have two daughters, both via IVF. A has endo and has had a couple surgeries, enough to get her pg. I'm not sure how many times they tried, but their last pregnancy was quite rough. She was pg with twins, then halfway through the pregnancy she lost one twin and had to be put on strict bedrest. Her daughter was born quite premature, but is thriving now.

At the party I couldn't help but look at their older daughter with longing. If we went down the ART route there is a strong possibility that we would have at least one child, heck maybe two.
But then I was snapped back to reality.

I wouldn't have been able to live with the guilt of using ART. Heck, I felt guilty driving into the parking lot of the clinic. There was no way I could've gone through it.

I also wouldn't be healthy and endo-free. This journey of IF has led me to a much better lifestyle -- now I wish I was overweight and sleep-deprived because my kids and would trade in a heartbeat, but I have to work with what God gave me. I have no idea if this road is going to lead to biological motherhood (and it seems like more and more roadblocks have been put in front of us to show me that it doesn't seem likely, but miracles do happen).

So where is my rambling going? I guess I'm grateful that we followed the Church's teachings. I am so glad that I was not tempted by the panic that the evil doctor was trying to push on me. I am so glad that I listened to my heart and my morals. I am also so grateful that our IF has made my marriage stronger. The only thing missing in our marriage is a child, but otherwise we're happy, which says a lot after all that we have been through in the past seven years!

I wish I knew what lay ahead of us. I wish I knew that after all the pain and recovery of surgery that we will conceive, but I don't know. I do know that my heart is softening to adoption and that I am getting tired of the TTC roller coaster. It may not be time for the seven-year itch, but I know that my TTC gas tank is almost empty.

I am so glad that it's summer vacation, although I will be taking a course, but it will be nice to be the student! I also hope that I have enough time to relax and figure out what we're going to do next. I haven't had enough quiet time to just sit and think about mundane things! I hope that the next two months will be semi-relaxing so I figure some stuff out.

A summer of more discernment. Scary and exciting at the same time.

Sts. Gianna, Rita and Gerard, pray for us!