19 July 2012

I surrender

I wish I didn't have to post this.

I'm done folks.

I want off the TTC train.

Now.

I'm in the midst of my fourth ultrasound series and it seems as though my ovaries are not cooperating.

I feel like such a fool after spending all that money in Omaha, since it seems like my ladyparts have more problems that surgery didn't fix.

I don't know why God has given me this cross to bear. It's far too heavy for me to carry.

I need to put it down.

Seven years is much too long and my heart can't take any more.

I'm sorry for such a sad post, particularly when there is so much happiness in blogland.

I just need to figure out a way to mourn my fertility without completely falling apart.

Lord, please have mercy on my weary soul.

46 comments:

  1. I had to read this 3 times.. before it sunk in, but I understand where you are coming from. Praying for you.

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  2. Seven years is much too long. You are right. I am so so sorry JB. So sorry.

    Holding you close in prayer this evening.

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  3. I don't know why, either. :( I wish I could hoist it up off of you and throw it far away! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Lifting you up in prayer, my dear friend!!

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  4. I'm sorry! Praying for you!

    If it makes you feel any better, I had a follicle check today and they couldn't even FIND MY OVARIES.

    I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. You will find your way, either way, I know it!

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  5. My eyes are filled with tears for you. You have been through so much and I know the feeling well of wanting to get off the train. I did for many months and it was very healing and each person knows when.
    ç I will hold you very specially in my prayers JB. Praying to St Anthony and Our Lady of Guadalupe to hold you.

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  6. I am so sorry. May you find yourself wrapped in Our Lady's mantle. Sending you hugs and prayers!

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  7. Praying for you as you figure out how this surrender looks in your life.

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  8. It's such a long time to hope and pray every single month.

    But you are not a fool. You feel healthier, your quality of life is better.

    Hugs lady.

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  9. I'm sorry.

    Praying for peace for you.

    *hugs*

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  10. So sorry for you... I am praying for you,
    ~peace~ love~

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  11. I am so very sorry. :(
    I have been praying so hard for you, that your miracle will come and it breaks my heart to read this and feel that feeling of defeat that you are experiencing.
    I know there are no words that I can say that will take the pain away so all I can do is say that you will be in my prayers even more than ever.

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  12. I'm SO sorry JP. I'm praying for you. daily.

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  13. I'm so sorry. You are always in my prayers.

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  14. Oh, dear. So sorry to read this tonight. Praying for you.

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  15. So so sorry sweet JB. You are NOT a fool- you are a woman full of faith and fortitude. Years from now, you'll be able to say you did everything and not have regrets. The Lord's plan is still unfolding. Praying for you tonight and everyday.

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  16. Offering up prayers for you. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

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  17. I pray so often for you, sweet friend. You were not wrong for having your surgery because you are healthier in so many ways. I don't know what God's plan is for you but I do know that He is by your side. I am sorry you are hurting. The pain of IF is truly unbearable at times. Many prayers.

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  18. My heart breaks reading this post. I am so sorry JB. Know that we are praying for you. May the Lord comfort you and give you peace. May he bless you abundantly. St. Anne, please pray for us.

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  19. I am so sorry you are going through this. You've done so much to get and stay healthy. Praying for you!

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  20. I'm praying for you Jelly Belly!

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  21. Thinking of you honey- you are always in my prayers. It's an awful burden x

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  22. 7 years is such a long time to have been fighting for this. I'm so sorry. Praying for you.

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  23. I'm so sorry, JB. Praying for you. Omaha was not a waste, it was the right thing to do at the time.

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  24. Sweet, JB, you are not a fool and you have not had surgery in vain. Surgery is just one piece of your puzzle. Some puzzles are trickier than others. If you were later to decide to continue trying, at least that piece of the puzzle has been addressed. If you never decide to get back on the TTC train, the surgery is still a benefit to you because you are endo free. And, you will have the peace of mind knowing that you didn't leave that stone unturned.

    I understand if you feel like stopping is what Our Lord wants you to do. Sometimes the weight of this cross is too heavy and you have to take a break. Sometimes we may be called to adoption. I will pray for you in whatever you ultimately decide. I am so sorry you are feeling so defeated right now. Praying that you have strength, wisdom, and peace.

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  25. My heart hurts for you right now. You have been through SO much and I will never understand God and His timing but I do know that He will never leave you! I am praying He bring you comfort and peace wherever He leads you next. God bless you, JB!! Hugs!!!

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  26. I'm holding you in my heart today my friend.

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  27. Oh I am sorry to hear you are suffering so much. Sometimes it is good to take a break and just focus on other things. If for nothing else, for peace of mind. Prayers to you!

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  28. Sending love and prayers.

    God's ways are often mysterious to us - I don't understand why you have to carry this heavy cross.

    I pray that you are given the strength and guidance you need.

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  29. My prayers for you. May your heart be comforted and your burden less heavy. God bless you.

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  30. I'm so sorry for you; I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

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  31. Love you girl! If you ferment the booch longer it gets alcoholic :) xxoo!!!!

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  32. I know exactly how you are feeling...however...isn't Dr. H's main focus is to get women healthy? Did he at least do that for you? Are you still having painful cycles, etc? That is why I'm seeking surgery again..to be a healthy woman...I'm tired of my lady parts too. I just want them to work so I can live. Right now..there's about two weeks a month were I don't live...I just exist. Praying for you!

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  33. sorry, can not imagine how much pain you are in- I am so sorry- God Bless you and I know Jesus is comforting you right now. sending prayers.

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  34. You know I am with you 100%. I may be biased, but honestly, it takes a LOT more strength to give it ALL over to Him than any. Single. Other. part of this journey. It was a decision I came to over a 6 month period, and fought tooth to nail... But in the end, you will see more clearly. Welcome to the "elite" club, there's really only a few of us ;)
    This does not mean you are giving up. But you are crossing into a much more peaceful and hopeful place... It's so difficult to explain to those who haven't gotten there yet, but I know you know exactly what I mean.
    We are all praying you THROUGH this pain and suffering... Peace awaits you on the other side. And wine ;)

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  35. Praying for you, JB! I don't blame you at all. Sometimes we just need to put down the heavy wood and rest.

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  36. Thinking of you especially during the St. Anne Novena. You are so strong...praying for God to heal your body and make you a mother. xoxo.

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  37. 7 years is more than anyone should bear. My heart breaks for you reading this, but take comfort in knowing you are being so lifted up. Prayers JB!

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  38. Don't worry about writing a downer post - we are all here to lift one another up and we all have time when we need to call out for support. You have been through this for so long. It is too much to bear some times and you know when you have reached your limit. I'm sorry that problems seem to be multiplying. I am lifting you up in prayer.

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  39. Don't have anything profound to say... just offering up my daily prayers for you. Big big hugs to you.

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  40. I'm still paying for my last surgery (in '09), and I could be upset that I didn't get pregnant after it (and I was for a while), but the truth is that it gave me my life back endo-free. So there's always that! And if you continue on the path toward adoption, one day you'll be a mom without all the debilitating pain of endo, and that is no small thing!
    Anyway, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and will say a prayer for you. 7 years of waiting is a long, long time without any relief :(.

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  41. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that it has been 7 years and that you are hurting so badly right now. You are in my prayers.

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  42. Seven years is so long, especially when carrying such a heavy cross. You are always in my prayers. ((hugs))

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  43. I am so sorry Jelly Belly. I am hurting for you and begging God to wrap you in His arms. As TCIE said, we're praying you through this.

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  44. Dear JB, I send you a big hugh with my prayers asking peace for your heart. I perfectly understand your feelings, it seems that one is abandoned completely from God's hand. The key to continue is at least try to acquire certain perspective about the movement in the journey, even if one feels that it has not been any.
    Our journey has started 18 years ago without any explanation for years about the reason of our infertility. No answers, any help to
    my health, and myself convinced that I did something that God was punishing me. Then a lot of apparently caring medical "solutions" that I will never know, but that by sure made our infertility puzzle more complex: removal of my right ovary in an open surgery with consequences in adherences and a more acute hormonal disturbance. And age, the clock that do not stop. At that point, no answer, no control, lot of pain and medications. Then, occur the first miracle: a canadian FCP who by chance I met in USA, gave us an Intro Session. No follow ups, no NaPro consulting, just us an our chart, and the friendship with an aged doctor who become NaPro MC and FCP years before, but that lost every contact with Omaha. In that time my health become better because I was able at least to manage PMS with diet. One first very important toward hope. That allowed us to stand by and continue in a very difficult international adoption process we started few years before. Not to many months ahead we received our first beautiful son and almost drop charting. Following years were not easy because my father passed away after a quickly and unexpected cancer and one year after my son almost die of neumococus. I need to say that in that time
    I was convinced my soul was born black. Charting always present to help me manage PMS and apparently no other purpose. No positive pregnancy test.
    After my child recovery, God blessed us with a second miraculous international adoption. A beautiful baby girl. But after 4 years of charting and any possibility of getting pregnant, in the month I was going to drop our TTC journey with my adrenals completely depleted, God sent me the example and strength of AMTTBAM. She showed me that there were hundreds of things I didn't know about NaPro and after years and uncountless hours of conversation, she got me back into the system. And guess what? Not only continued charting, but also decided to become a FCP!
    Now I have find a reason to continue with hope until my last last last cycle. Now I am almost 43, my pshysical health has improved dramatically and I feel my soul has been healed. Last week a new blessing:
    Dr.P.hi.l Bo.yl.e saw my chart and gave me my first complete NaPro treatment! At my age!
    Thanks God months before I began the LDN protocol and the key effects produced in my health allowed
    me to continue for 3 cycles more without dropping.
    God has very strange paths to invite some persons to be on his side by the pain. I would never wanted to be in that place, but I am here. I am charting my 64 cycle full of hope. There should be a reason. And there should be a reason why I am sharing my story with you in this moment.

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  45. JB, I am so sorry. How hard it must be to type those words and surrender. I pray that Our Lady & St. Anne will keep you in their arms. Prayers will be coming your way as often as I can ... you are always in my nightly prayers. (((HUGS)))

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  46. Whatever you do, do not regret your past in choosing to go out to Omaha. You were doing all that you knew to do. At least you can say that you did all that you could do and now leave it up to God to direct you down a new path. If you wouldn't have gone, you would have been wondering. I pray and pray for you. Please don't loose your spunk:)

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