The last time I saw my wonderful craniosacral therapist I asked her if I was keeping myself from getting pg.
K and I have built an amazing friendship and she is one of the most kindhearted people I have ever met. I knew that I was in a safe space and I knew that I could ask her the question and get an honest answer.
As all of you know, I have been in a struggle. I am fed up with my body and I am discerning what to do next. And by the way, thank you all for your kind comments, prayers and e-mails. I have re-read them all many times since my last post and they have brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.
K asked me to name my fears, I didn't have to do it out loud, but she encouraged me to recognize them. In recognizing our fears, we can finally face them.
So here I am, facing the worst of my fears.
Giving up my dream of biological motherhood is something that I have not wanted to do, but if I don't I am afraid that I am going to lose myself. I knew that my heart would tell me when I was done, and I think this is what it is telling me to do.
During our session K asked me what message I was hearing from my body. And these words came loud and clear:
Be kind. Be gentle.
At first she laughed since it sounded more like an order rather than a piece of wise advice. She asked me to change the tone from a command to a suggestion.
I have been repeating these words to myself over and over since Thursday.
Be kind. Be gentle.
I am trying so hard to take my own advice. I am trying so hard not to let the despair that I have been feeling completely take over my life. I am trying to let the Lord and prayer guide me through this.
I know that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. I just need to open my eyes to see it.
St. Anne, pray for us!
Sigh. What beautiful words... I think it wasn't your body directly echoing these words, though. I think, in the midst of your Consecration, it was Mary. It sounds like something she would tell her loving daughter. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a tough time, and so hard to discern, I know. I believe happiness is just around the corner for you, through adoption. Letting go of TTC... it is really, really tough. That's such an underwhelming word for how hard it is... Hugs. We're all here to help as much as we can.
ReplyDeleteOh lady, being done with your body is a huge huge deal,it's a lt to mourn and a lot to celebrate, a whole new world opening to you.
ReplyDeleteYou should be kind and gentle with you, you have been through so much pain, it's okay to mourn the past while looking towards the future.
Hugs
I do understand the emotions of your heart right now. I was there a few years back, although I have been tempted to revisit the place of TTC a few times since, for the most part, I let it go around our 6th year of marriage. The road doesn't get easier after that, it just gets different. I pray that as you let go of this burden on your heart, God fills your heart with some thing beautiful in its place!
ReplyDeleteJB... this is a tough place, no question about it. Just wanted to let you know you are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteJB,
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are getting lots of prayers from me! I am including you in my Novena to St. Anne.
I know it sounds so crazy to hear this from someone who now has a biological baby, but I know just how gut-wrenching each small step in fatih is, I know that your faith is strong and God is loving you through this!!!
Such wise, wise words: Be Kind, Be Gentle. Like TCIE says, how appropriate from Mary!
ReplyDeleteKnow that you're in my prayers as this chapter comes to a close. But know that your novel is not finished ... I'm praying for you!
Be kind. Be gentle. Such wonderful words. I love the idea that they are from Mary. Praying as you walk through this tunnel into the light at the other end.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Sounds like Mary. Be Kind. Be Gentle.
ReplyDeletePraying that you can take those words and make them your own.
I think TCIE is right, as usual. :) Do be kind and gentle to your body but also your heart--allow yourself to grieve if you need to. I know the Blessed Mother will be getting you through this. And I agree...your story is not over yet!
ReplyDeleteYes. Be good to yourself. Please be good to yourself. You'll get there.
ReplyDeleteAs many have echoed, I agree with TCIE - those words sound like Mary.
ReplyDeleteYou are making such a big decision and change in your journey, it is time to be kind and gentle to yourself - and that includes allowing yourself to mourn and feel the pain while you look to the future. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to let ourselves cry.
You've been heavily on my heart and mind and I am praying for you. Sts. Joachim and Anne, pray for us. Blessed John Paul II, pray for us. St. Bridget, on this your feast day, pray for us.
I like what you have to say. Be kind, be gentle. We could all use that advice at some point, I think.
ReplyDeleteI remember having an easy transition from TTC to adoption. Giving up being pregnant was easier for me than it has been for others. I think I always knew God had adoption in store for us.
And trust me, even though I have happy news now, it has been three years, seven months and 22 days with our adoption agency after two years of TTC. I understand how horrible it is to wait and not know. That's been the biggest lesson for me: I don't always have to know. God knows and will share with me in his time.
After reading TCIE comment, I can just see Mary smiling down on your strength. I admire you and your strength. You have been down this road for a while and yet strength exudes through you. I pray for peace and fulfillment for you;)
ReplyDeletePraying for you JB as you find out how to be kind and gentle to your heart and soul.
ReplyDeleteWhat important words... not just for you, but for all of us reading it, too. It is far too easy to beat ourselves up over our perceived failures. I would also add accept the peace and joy given when it is given. It's especially important during times like this. : )
ReplyDeleteI like what TCIE wrote. When I read your words, I thought of Jesus, too. When I am at Adoration, His kindness and gentleness is often palpable to me. He would definitely want you to treat all people, including yourself with kindness and gentleness. That's good stuff!
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your words I think of this passage from Matthew 11:29-30:
ReplyDelete"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Praying God grants you rest for your soul JB. You have fought hard, you have persevered. May you lay down your armor and find rest at the feet of Jesus. Continuing to pray you through these hard hard days.
Such a rough part of the journey...but at the end, I hope, there will be peace.
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