Ripping off the bandaid, slowly

I have been trying to wrap my head around the repercussions of my appointment with my Napro doctor on Tuesday. Part of me didn't even want to go, and if I wasn't going to be charged $35 to miss the appointment, I would have.

I know that Dr. T is a wonderful doctor, and I know that I am so blessed to have her in my life. This post is proof.

Tuesday afternoon was just another example of how wonderful she is.

She actually seemed excited that I hadn't ovulated during this last ultrasound series/hormone panel.

Yes folks, excited.

She seems to think that this may be the missing link as to why we haven't conceived yet. You see, this was my fourth (is there a prize for that?) ultrasound series and this is the first time I did not ovulate. She thinks that my high FSH and new post-surgical ladyparts, that ovulation has become my problem.

So she wants us to try an HCG trigger shot for two months and post-peak progesterone. Since my hormones, CM, and follicles seem to be okay I don't need any more C.lomid or any other ovulation drugs. She seemed so confident that we could conceive that she checked the calendar to see if she would be back from her vacation (she is going to do some mission work in Africa for three weeks, honestly she is an angel!) in the time that I could possibly be pregnant.

I wanted so badly to tell her that I just couldn't do it, but her positivity started to sway me. It also didn't help that Mr. JB got all excited as well.

Part of me thinks that I need to try this new course of treatment. I need to see it through and then start the new TTC-free chapter of my life. But another part of me just wants to run and hide.

Two more months of TTC. Can I do it?

St. Anne, pray for us!

Be Kind, Be Gentle

The last time I saw my wonderful craniosacral therapist I asked her if I was keeping myself from getting pg.

K and I have built an amazing friendship and she is one of the most kindhearted people I have ever met. I knew that I was in a safe space and I knew that I could ask her the question and get an honest answer.

As all of you know, I have been in a struggle. I am fed up with my body and I am discerning what to do next. And by the way, thank you all for your kind comments, prayers and e-mails. I have re-read them all many times since my last post and they have brought tears of gratitude to my eyes.

K asked me to name my fears, I didn't have to do it out loud, but she encouraged me to recognize them. In recognizing our fears, we can finally face them.

So here I am, facing the worst of my fears.

Giving up my dream of biological motherhood is something that I have not wanted to do, but if I don't I am afraid that I am going to lose myself. I knew that my heart would tell me when I was done, and I think this is what it is telling me to do.

During our session K asked me what message I was hearing from my body. And these words came loud and clear:

Be kind. Be gentle.

At first she laughed since it sounded more like an order rather than a piece of wise advice. She asked me to change the tone from a command to a suggestion.

I have been repeating these words to myself over and over since Thursday.

Be kind. Be gentle.

I am trying so hard to take my own advice. I am trying so hard not to let the despair that I have been feeling completely take over my life. I am trying to let the Lord and prayer guide me through this.

I know that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. I just need to open my eyes to see it. 

St. Anne, pray for us!

I surrender

I wish I didn't have to post this.

I'm done folks.

I want off the TTC train.

Now.

I'm in the midst of my fourth ultrasound series and it seems as though my ovaries are not cooperating.

I feel like such a fool after spending all that money in Omaha, since it seems like my ladyparts have more problems that surgery didn't fix.

I don't know why God has given me this cross to bear. It's far too heavy for me to carry.

I need to put it down.

Seven years is much too long and my heart can't take any more.

I'm sorry for such a sad post, particularly when there is so much happiness in blogland.

I just need to figure out a way to mourn my fertility without completely falling apart.

Lord, please have mercy on my weary soul.

Seven...

...years and absolutely no itch!!!!

Thank you Mr. JB for making me the happiest girl in the world!

Btw, if you're so inclined you can read this questionnaire that I filled out for our fourth anniversary.

Our Lady of Mount Carmel, pray for us!

Don't worry...

I'm still alive, but I'm currently taking a course -- a very interesting Religion course that I need to take if I want to go into administration.

I just wanted all of you to know that I'm still alive and infertile.

Starting acupuncture to try to lower my FSH this week. I am so thankful that Mr. JB's bf is doing my treatment at a very reduced cost!

I also start my fourth (yay!) ultrasound series next week! [Please note the sarcasm. Honestly, if the appointments weren't convenient I was just going to forget it, but the booking lady was so accommodating I took it as a sign that I should go through with it.]

Taking evil Fla.gyl in the attempt to get rid of the minimal TEBB that I have been having since my surgery. Btw, I learned a very hard lesson on Saturday. I took my morning dose before I went to yoga. I started to feel nauseous during class (it could've bee the meds, or the fact that it was really hot in the room) so when I got home I lay down. I proceeded to fall asleep and two hours later I woke up feeling incredibly sick. I am never going to go fall asleep on an empty stomach ever again! I am so happy that the headaches have finally abated and I feel like a normal human being again.

I almost bit through my tongue today in class. We're currently talking about ethics and the topic of birth control and ART came up. Thank God for Sew and Mr. JB. They got me through the discussion without screaming, throwing anything or outing myself as an infertile.

I am sure that there will be some interesting insights by the end of this course. I have also learned that I know so much more about my faith than my classmates -- not that I'm trying to brown nose!

But for now, I'm spent.

It also doesn't help that I went to a yoga/boot camp class tonight. I have never felt so out of shape in my life.

My summer vacation officially starts on July 20th. 

I can't wait!

On Temptation

I survived the last week of school.

I was able to finish my classroom move, not lose my temper and even enjoy my class just a little bit. The best thing about my last day was my most challenging student was away. Thank God for small mercies.


Yesterday we attended Mr. JB's best friend's Canada Day/Birthday Party. We were one of the two childless couples in attendance. The other childless couple knew before they were married that they couldn't have children. The husband had cancer as a child and as a result of his treatments, he is sterile. I am always glad when they're in attendance since it can be unbearable due to the plethora of small children abound (thank you to Sew and TCIE who helped me get through the party!).

WAY back when our IF journey started Mr. JB and I went to a conventional fertility clinic. One day I had an appointment with the evil doctor that I saw and I ran into Mr. JB's bf's SIL and BIL. It was quite the awkward meeting, but I was thankful it was them and not a parent from my school. They have gone on to have two daughters, both via IVF. A has endo and has had a couple surgeries, enough to get her pg. I'm not sure how many times they tried, but their last pregnancy was quite rough. She was pg with twins, then halfway through the pregnancy she lost one twin and had to be put on strict bedrest. Her daughter was born quite premature, but is thriving now.

At the party I couldn't help but look at their older daughter with longing. If we went down the ART route there is a strong possibility that we would have at least one child, heck maybe two.
But then I was snapped back to reality.

I wouldn't have been able to live with the guilt of using ART. Heck, I felt guilty driving into the parking lot of the clinic. There was no way I could've gone through it.

I also wouldn't be healthy and endo-free. This journey of IF has led me to a much better lifestyle -- now I wish I was overweight and sleep-deprived because my kids and would trade in a heartbeat, but I have to work with what God gave me. I have no idea if this road is going to lead to biological motherhood (and it seems like more and more roadblocks have been put in front of us to show me that it doesn't seem likely, but miracles do happen).

So where is my rambling going? I guess I'm grateful that we followed the Church's teachings. I am so glad that I was not tempted by the panic that the evil doctor was trying to push on me. I am so glad that I listened to my heart and my morals. I am also so grateful that our IF has made my marriage stronger. The only thing missing in our marriage is a child, but otherwise we're happy, which says a lot after all that we have been through in the past seven years!

I wish I knew what lay ahead of us. I wish I knew that after all the pain and recovery of surgery that we will conceive, but I don't know. I do know that my heart is softening to adoption and that I am getting tired of the TTC roller coaster. It may not be time for the seven-year itch, but I know that my TTC gas tank is almost empty.

I am so glad that it's summer vacation, although I will be taking a course, but it will be nice to be the student! I also hope that I have enough time to relax and figure out what we're going to do next. I haven't had enough quiet time to just sit and think about mundane things! I hope that the next two months will be semi-relaxing so I figure some stuff out.

A summer of more discernment. Scary and exciting at the same time.

Sts. Gianna, Rita and Gerard, pray for us!