8 November 2010

Selective Mute

I talk a lot.

All the time.

I was the loudest baby in the nursery (despite, my preemie status) and I talk ALL day at my job.

It is so strange to me that I feel like I have nothing to say here on my blog, although according to my archives, I've been quite prolific in 2010.

It's CD19 and I think that peak was yesterday. I've been a lackadaisical charter (sorry all of the practitioners out there!), but my body has followed the same pattern since my second surgery, so I don't pay as close attention as I used to. I've felt the pangs of guilt when I have a quick pee and I don't wipe before (sorry, TMI, but this is an IF blog and really, we are all very comfortable with talk about CM and the like).

I like to think of my nonchalance as a way to rebel and to take back control.

Yeah right.

I was thinking tonight while in the shower about something that Dr. Nora said to me at my appointment last week. While looking at my chart she noticed that Mr. JB and I only used our days of fertility and then afterwards there were no "marital relations." She basically ordered me to have sex with my husband.

She asked if I enjoyed the marital act and of course I responded yes, but it has become such a chore. Fertility-based sex is not fun and after "giving it our best shot" for the past five years I just want a freaking break after ovulation!

I miss the naivete that our early marriage had. I wish that I could not think about procreating every time I was with my husband, but I can't.

Oh Lord, do I need therapy or what????

I am so thankful that talking to Dr. Nora is like talking to a therapist! I honestly can't fit another health care practitioner in my schedule!

So friends, how has IF affected your lives in the bedroom? Do any of you have any tactics to help turn off the fertility brain?

All I know now is that I need to go to bed. The end of Daylight Savings Time has been a little hard on me and I'm pooped!

p.s. My new dose of H.yrdocort is helping, although I cheated on Saturday and tried 10mg in the morning and then 5mg at lunch and I was feeling so good. I was a bit late with my lunch time dose, so I took it at about 2pm and I was able to get through the rest of my day and a long wait at my GP's office with no problem. I don't think that 10mg is my sweet spot, but Dr. T is ever-cautious, so it'll have to wait until the new year until I can get more H.yrocort in me!


  1. Hi Jelly Belly,

    IF can definitely affect the bedroom, it's hard to switch off the procreation focus. I don't have any tips, but I am curious to read what others have to say!

  2. Oh totally. Quite frankly, it's exahusting to have that much sex. Not to mention, TTC/IF is stressful, and stress is certainly not an aphrodesiac.

  3. it can really take the fun out of bding can't it? Grant and I have talked about this a lot over the years. The worst time? A news report said that 7 days STRAIGHT of bding helped with something.........so of course dh decided that was a GREAT idea, well I think about day 4 it was feeling like a job! We never made it to 7.
    I tried not to concentrate on bding too much during ovulation, we of course DID use those days, but not so much that we didn't use the rest of the month. I think it's VERY important not to concentrate so much on ttc that your life and marriage suffer. I would have had NO life if I had focused so hard only on ttc, if I wanted caffine I had it, wanted a drink, sure! Don't let ttc get to you so much that you forget to live.

    God Bless, JB!

  4. This is such an issue when trying. I’m a little different because I had so many forced breaks. We would laugh because if you looked at my charts, we BD’d way more on the break months than on the trying months. So the forced breaks actually helped us out in that department. We also purposefully do not use past peak days because of my miscarriage history (not that it helps, but you just become paranoid.) I don’t know if there is anything that actually helped. I always look ahead and make sure I have no night meetings during that time which would stress me out. I kind of have a thing about us both being in the mood and frankly, that takes a long time sometimes for me to get there, but it helps me personally not dread it or treat it like a chore.

  5. 4x's a fertile window...

    She would hvae hated to see my charts...Mine were worse....

    I thought the bding would pick up in the department after it's all said and done with...

    Not so much...But then I do blame that on being a jackhammer.

    :) Yummy HC! ;)

  6. I agree that the forced breaks Ann mentioned helped dh and I in this area. Thank goodness since we knew of our issues prior to marriage and have never had that carefree time of no charting (unless you count prior to our conversion and marriage). A wise friend who had been ttc for five years took the op of Lent to abstain for 40 days and said it was incredible for her marriage. How wonderful that you have a doc that you can talk to like that!

  7. I don't think anything is TMI on blogs anymore :).

    You know, I had the same problem after ovulation - I would just be exhausted and the last thing I wanted to do was even THINK about sex. Since I quit my job though, it's been a whole different story. I'm no longer tired all the time, I can stay up later with Hubby without worrying about having to get up at the crack of dawn, and we're both just having more "fun". I think Hubby taking on the breadwinner responsibility has made things better for both of us too, and definitely has allowed us to reconnect on a different level. I think it's that he can finally DO something to make me feel better, and I am thankful for that and try to "reward" him as much as possible :). I try not to even tell him when we're in the fertile window now - I think having to wait for the fertile window and then have sex on a schedule is really awful and I just decided to stop stressing about it. If we don't manage one day, then we'll hit the next, and meanwhile we'll just enjoy ourselves.

  8. Forced breaks are definitely a better mood stirrer for me too, so strange, but it is true. I know I haven't been in this too terribly long or been married for too long either, but even after a few months of trying to time it just right and for days or ever other day for several days, wowser. It is exhausting.

    I remember first meeting Sew and talking to her about ttc she was completely aghast at the fact that dh and I bd from cd7 until 18 or so. No wonder I was exhuasted lol! I know now that there is a much shorter window! :)

  9. I have never understood the people who are able to make it seven days straight. There are just so many things in life to do. One of those days, you'll be exhausted! What about taking a vacation? (NOT to get pregnant...just to help with the, ah, scheduling.) I know that one thing we did to limit the "chore" aspect was my DH's insistence that I no longer refer to it as my "fertile phase," as that was driving both of us crazy; me because of the irony value, him because it was too demanding. The new nomenclature is "sexy phase." For some reason this makes a difference. (I would share the why, but...if it's not obvious, you've never charted.)

    Honestly, though, I would try not to see that as a flaw in your marriage, just so much as a low energy level right now. Stats like that change all the time. They could change next month. Don't make too much of it. (And, don't have time for another medical practitioner - Amen! I feel as though I am bombarded with suggestions to see more specialists, or ones further away, or get more health things looked at. I guess I'm a bad infertile because I want less intervention from doctors; I can't deal with more. I feel as though I'm drowning as it is. Medical appointments take tons of time, I already have a full-time job, and they're so emotionally draining that it takes all my self-discipline for a whole week just to SCHEDULE the appointment. That is a week when no dishes will be washed. I can't do that every week.)

  10. All I can say is that you are not alone. All that trying for all those years really takes a toll. And its hard for one party not to begin resenting the other ... I just tried to tell myself that it was during my "fertile phase" that I felt more "in the mood" which was, for the most part true.

    But there were also so many months that we skipped nights that should have been used, simply bc I wasn;t in the mood and refused to be dominated by IF. It was my little way of rebelling and it felt damn good. At the end of those months, I think I would just tell myself that I didn't get pregnant bc I wasn't in the mood that month (and not bc of my infertility ... ha ha). Ah well, at least it made me feel better to tell myself that!!

    Do it when you are in the mood and if you need a break, take it.

  11. I'm guilty of being a lackadaisical charter as well (now that my charts are carbon copies every month!!)

  12. Unlike Ann, on my break months you can notice a very VERY dry spell... and even now on the "TTC" months, it's rare to see more than one day used. Period. And I honestly can't remember the last time any infertile day was used. (Though, they're all infertile days for me, which I've said before ;) )

    It is honestly so frustrating to know that your acts of "love" (quotations because let's face it, it's not about loving each other when you're past 4 years) are continually fruitless. We are worn out. We have NO DESIRE to do it when it's not a fertile day, and even on the fertile days, once maybe twice) is enough. We're trying to not make it feel like a chore so we don't force it more than that.

    So, you're not alone.

    Although I will repeat what Dr B in Ireland told me: "Frequent, ENJOYABLE sex is key."
    Yeah. Easy for him to say.

  13. You know, we "try", we time things, but if I don't feel like it (or if he doesn't, though he is more easily swayed...) then we don't. It's one of those things; if I don't feel like it, no amount of fertile mucous is going to get me motivated. Now, I'll try to psych myself up for it, but in the end, if I my mood doesn't change, doing It wouldn't feel right.

    Recently in spiritual direction, I bemoaned to my priest how IF is a difficult loss because it gets worse the more time goes by. He asked me to explain that so I said something along the lines of every month, for 42 months, we have failed. He prayed for a moment and then told me that he didn't think I should look back at our love making as a string of failures. He said I should try to look back (and forward I suppose) and focus on our love making as unitive. It's always been unitive, and so it's always been "successful." So, I try to focus on the unitive. We haven't felt the need to do this, but maybe praying beforehand and asking God to help you not be concerned with procreating right now, but to focus on the love that you and your dh have for each other, regardless on whether or not it is physically fruitful.

  14. I too feel the need for a break after ovulation. I was just looking back on my charts, and we don't use post-peak days much. I'm not surprised since my desire really drops off after peak day. (PMS doesn't help either.) ;) The only way we can use as many fertile days as we do is by abstaining from CD1 until my good mucus starts...it builds up a little anticipation which helps. It gets us through the fertile week at least. Now that we're on a break, we still don't use many days post-peak...guess we're just used to that routine.

    Your reason for nonchalant charting makes so much sense to me. I never understood before why clients did that...I crave data so I doubt I'd ever stop charting. ;)

  15. Our sex life was more affected by my bladder condition than TTC. Once, I was ovulating and Charlie was so sick and we had to have sex anyway. I felt so bad for him, but we did it anyway. But now, that we are on the adoption track, our sex life has improved greatly. I promise, it will come back.