21 November 2010

The Need for Justification

I'm trying not to seethe, but it's really hard.

I was upstairs while Mr. JB was talking to his dad on the phone and I overheard some interesting parts of the conversation. You see, I missed the baby shower for the wife of the cousin (remember, the scandalous wedding?) this afternoon and one of the aunts called my father-in-law to "check on me" which is really code for "she wanted to get dirt on why I wasn't there."

I did have an honest excuse. I had volunteered to sell and pack up the religious articles sale that my parish was having. I also had plans to decorate t-shirts with my best friend's daughter (these plans were canceled, but I didn't know until today at mass) and then I had a yoga workshop in the afternoon. I know that plans or not, I would not have attended. The majority of the family members know that I am a barren woman and why I miss many baby-oriented occasions.

I wish that I wasn't so angry. Mr. JB did explain to his dad that we did have plans. I also called to send my regrets and Mr. JB's uncle understood completely. It is a busy time of year and it isn't my freaking fault that they had to have a wedding shower, a wedding and a baby shower in such quick order!

I hate it that I was the object of discussion, and of course, gossip.

Mr. JB did tell his other cousin's wife that I wouldn't be going to the shower and she was in attendance. She tries her best to steer clear of the gossip, but it was her mother-in-law that tried to get the dirt on my absence.

I just want to be left alone. I don't want their pity and I definitely don't want to be fodder for their boring lives. I am not going to drop all of my plans so I can pretend that nothing is wrong and that I am really happy for the mother-to-be. I think that my not being there and LYING to everyone was the better way to go.

What do all of you think?


Wicked was AMAZING!!!! Mr. JB didn't like the story (and I won't get into it here because I don't want to spoil it for anyone!), but I totally disagree with him. The music, performances, costumes, set, everything about the musical was fantastic! The company continues their tour at the end of the month and if it comes to your city you need to see it!!!


  1. Uggh. That is so annoying. Sorry :-(

  2. Totally justified! I don't do showers (weddings or babies), I can't stand all the lame games and air headed chit chat, so I always support opting out of showers (especially this one, who has a we ding shower, a wedding and a baby showers quickly? It seems like a blatant gift grab to me!).

    Try not to think about all those small minded people and their gossip!

  3. You don't need to justify yourself to us we all understand. I don't do baby showers either. I actually limit my outings in general that will involve babies, pregnant ladies, or baby talk. So basically I am a hermit....haha! No offence because I am sure you are the life of the party but what's the big deal anyways if you don't go. I have never had anyone inquire why I don't attend, they just figure I am busy. Baby showers should be about the expecting mother and shouldn't about keeping score of who shows up. I always send a gift and nobodies asks any questions. Next time you should send hubby in your place. I have never understood why it is only the women that have to endure the torture!

  4. I hate family gossip. Ugh. My Mom's only sister is famous for it.

    I have been dying to see Wicked ever since it made its Broadway debut. Glad you enjoyed it!

  5. I'm sorry. :( I wish more fertile women would make the effort to put themselves in an infertile woman's shoes.
    I don't blame you at all for not attending, and I'm sorry that the old bats are making a fuss. :(

    I'm glad you liked Wicked! I was able to see it in New York in 2005, and it was fantastic!!!

  6. You are completely justified in not attending. They just need to mind their own beeswax.

    Also, I haven't seen Wicked, but your excellent opinion of it is in line with what I have heard from others.

  7. There is always a "gossipy" person out there..that is how they survive..cause their lives are so boring and they have nothing to keep them busy ENOUGH. That being said, i've had my "brush" with annoying people and my tactic is to "ignore" and "avoid" them whenever possible. Just because you are married to your hubby..you are not married to his family. Sorry, that is how i feel about "in-laws" and vice versa. As long as your hubby totally supports and understand your decision who cares what thease other lame A**** think why you couldn't show up.
    After the 1 and only baby shower i went too back in the summer and got drunk doing so..i've made a vow to never ever never ever do anything related to pregnant women and babies unless of course it is one of my infertile gals who successfully have their own or adopt.
    No worries, you are doing the right thing whether you have stuff planned or not..just remember it is none of their buswax. Go kick back and relax and have a nice glass of wine or admire your Coach purses..better yet go take a nice walk in a coach store ..hmmmmm

  8. Oh I would be so bothered!!! Ugh! People these days are so darn annoying. Why can't they just accept that you couldn't be there and leave it at that? I am not telling you to do this but I would be so aggravated that I would say something about it to them. Something like...DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND PEOPLE!!!! UGH. Sorry, I am bothered for you!

  9. I hate those situations!!! I avoid baby showers and 'make plans' if I don't have them. I went to one shower and a pregnant lady there said to me..."I bet you like hanging out with pregnant women because it makes you feel skinny." I am a thin person but come on...who says stuff like that?!?! I think I just stared at her with a blank face and someone else started talking. It's a blur now. I know I wanted to leave but we drove 3 hours to attend the shower in the first place. I wish I could just shove my emotions to the side but it’s just too hard.

  10. Grrr!! People need to realize that if someone doesn't attend it's for a reason and that there doesn't need to be meddling around to find out more information and whatnot! I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I have been there so I know how frustrating it can be!

    Parting for you and hoping that things simmer down soon!!


    and I think you did the right thing, how frustrating that they are using this sadness in your life as gossip, as if you just went shoe shopping instead of attending.I really wish people would just understand WHY we don't go to these things....I usually try to explain it to them like this:

    Imagine that you and all your friends went to university to become doctors. You all graduated together and went on to look for work together. 4 years later all your friends are working but your still unemployed and struggling to find work.....would you go to their staff party and listen to them complain about their work, their paycheck, their hours?

  12. I think it is offensive that they would even expect you to have a valid "excuse" -- meaning other plans -- at all! As far as I'm concerned, you are entitled to go shoe shopping instead of baby showers during this time in your life, no ifs ands or buts about it!! Anyone with ANY class would realize and totally understand why someone who is struggling to conceive might avoid a baby shower, other plans or not. I say don't give it a second thought. If they don't get it now, they never will. I for one didn't attend a single shower during all of IF and I don't regret it. When asked why, I'd just say, "I don't do baby showers. I'm barren." That shut them up real quick!

  13. Yeah, if there's anything I really don't want to do (not just baby showers) I *make* other plans and then RSVP that I'm busy. That way I never have to lie. But with most people (not family, of course), you are absolutely entitled to say, "I'm so sorry, but I won't be able to make it. I hope you have a wonderful time!" and then you're 100% done. You don't need an excuse at all. Anyone who calls back to see what you're actually doing has absolutely no breeding.

  14. I skipped my first baby shower this weekend - and I think on good advice. I'm not sorry at all. I like to picture myself years down the road telling the ladies that I wasn't really sick that weekend, and how they can't understand, since they are all so fertle...
    I had a bit of a pity party with myself since I kind of would have liked to go, but was worried about the crying in the bathroom!
    In sum: you did the right thing, ignore the relatives.

  15. That's really annoying, especially since you had sent your regrets, etc. Sorry you have to deal with overbearing relatives.

    Glad to hear Wicked was great.

  16. When will fertiles ever learn to leave suffering IFers alone about baby showers, birthday parties, and any and all other family gatherings that are too much for IFers to endure/bare. I really think the FERTILE world is crazy. They are so stuck in their own world and can't see how difficult it would be for an IFer to come to their little gay affairs? This drives me nuts. I am so sorry they were also spying on you afterwords. They need to get a life!

  17. I apologize for all the fertile knuckleheads out there. Sigh.