30 November 2010

On the Outside, Looking In

I didn't want to break my blog silence to whine.

But I'm going to.

I have been struggling with my feelings of joy, coupled with green-eyed jealousy in the past couple of days. There has been a wealth of good news as of late. News of BFP's and births have rocked the balance of my infertile world.

I even had a passing thought last week that I was dealing well with my barren state.

Alas, I was wrong.

Advent is a tough time. While I was listening to the homily on Sunday I was reminded about the wait.

The excruciating long wait.

[sigh]

I wish that I didn't feel so envious. I wish that I didn't feel so left behind (yes, it is hard to be atomically lapped -- those of you that understand this terminology, I welcome the sympathy). Patience is something that I am so done with!

So Advent Prayer Buddy, you've got your work cut out for you. I'm trying really hard not to be the Debbie Downer of the IF world, but despite the smile on my face, my heart is aching on the inside.

I'm so tired of waiting.

When will it be my turn?

p.s. The lovely lady that is on the receiving end of my prayers is going to get a ton! At least my misery is being fruitful in one way!

p. p. s. It is CD8 on my Fe.mara-free cycle. My cramps were pretty much non-existent. I love being (semi) drug-free! 

19 comments:

  1. I am so sorry it's been difficult for you as of late and understandably so. I just want you to know I feel your pain and I am sending out prayer requests for you today. He will bless you with his Grace and take away your pain.

    xoxoxoxox

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  2. Amen sister! You said everything I was thinking! I'm so sorry things are tough right now, I can relate. I'm glad for your pain-free cycle though!

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  3. I'm so sorry JB! I think of you girls who are still waiting and my heart just aches. I too sometimes struggle reading all the pregnancy blogs as it is a reminder of what I will never have. Anyway, you are not alone in your feelings and shouldn't feel bad...that is why we are here! To support one another through this difficult journey, no matter where we are on it.

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  4. I have been thinking of you a lot lately, and I was wondering how you were feeling about all the good news I have been reading.
    It's hard to be happy for others when you still have a whole in your heart.
    Hugs lady.

    Ps: if you ever need to vent I'm always here!

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  5. I could not agree more! I have been feeling the same way lately. Being lapped hurts. Trying to fake being happy hurts. I pray for you the He will bless you and take away your pain!

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  6. I'm so sorry, this time of year is so very hard! praying for you!

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  7. Waiting IS hard. Your post sums up a bit of what I've been feeling also. Although I'm smiling on the outside, the pain is def there inside and it's hard.

    You're on my prayers! My husband and I are heading to confession and mass in a bit and you'll def be in my prayers then!

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  8. Waiting is ridiculously hard :(.

    Yay for being cramp-free! We'll take what we can get, right?

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  9. Hugs around your sweet neck:) Waiting is a big fat pain in the booty! I wish we could trade it for something!

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  10. A big hug is what you will get when I'll see you next!
    Yes, i completely understand and usually end up crying and afterwards i feel a bit better. Glad to hear this cycle is pain-free for you!

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  11. I sympathize with the waiting. Years and years of life in which waiting is the most significant thing you do are so awful. Part of me wants to think that I'm making some headway lately in living with this IF business, but I don't know...I feel angrier and sadder than I have in a long time. Every day is hard. I don't really know how this is supposed to get easier. And, of course, the BFPs and the births...they all make it harder. I don't begrudge anybody her baby, but there's no denying each one makes it harder to be never more than the audience for someone else's good news.

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  12. ((hugs)). I hope your prayer buddy gets the prayers answered for you this Advent Season Jelly belly!!

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  13. So sorry you are having a rough time. IF is so hard and Christmastime doesn't make it any easier. Praying.

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  14. I totally understand where you are. Completely.

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  15. I completely get it and I'm so sorry.

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  16. I often wonder when and if it will be my turn too....waiting is hard..especially when I think about it which around the Christmas season happens alot. *sigh* I've been working on offering up my own suffering for my prayer buddy too. Maybe it can help someone else! God Bless.

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  17. Sending hugs. I totally understand the feelings that you describe.

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  18. Hugs and Prayers coming your way.

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  19. There has been a lot of positive things happening on these blogs. Although I know right now I am one who has some positive news. The odd thing is, along with the happiness I am also feeling anxious,scared and mostly guilty. There are girls on here who have been waiting longer then me and I just wish things could happen in a fair manner. Like were all in a line up and get babies passed to us in the proper order. I am not sure what is going to happen for me over the next few weeks, I hope its good news.....but what I hope more then anything is that everyone who is waiting will finally have their dreams become reality, that all these blogs can become parenting blogs. I wish I knew why things happen the way they do, I know there is a bigger plan for you and I just wish we could see it soon!!

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