On the Outside, Looking In

I didn't want to break my blog silence to whine.

But I'm going to.

I have been struggling with my feelings of joy, coupled with green-eyed jealousy in the past couple of days. There has been a wealth of good news as of late. News of BFP's and births have rocked the balance of my infertile world.

I even had a passing thought last week that I was dealing well with my barren state.

Alas, I was wrong.

Advent is a tough time. While I was listening to the homily on Sunday I was reminded about the wait.

The excruciating long wait.

[sigh]

I wish that I didn't feel so envious. I wish that I didn't feel so left behind (yes, it is hard to be atomically lapped -- those of you that understand this terminology, I welcome the sympathy). Patience is something that I am so done with!

So Advent Prayer Buddy, you've got your work cut out for you. I'm trying really hard not to be the Debbie Downer of the IF world, but despite the smile on my face, my heart is aching on the inside.

I'm so tired of waiting.

When will it be my turn?

p.s. The lovely lady that is on the receiving end of my prayers is going to get a ton! At least my misery is being fruitful in one way!

p. p. s. It is CD8 on my Fe.mara-free cycle. My cramps were pretty much non-existent. I love being (semi) drug-free! 

The Need for Justification

I'm trying not to seethe, but it's really hard.

I was upstairs while Mr. JB was talking to his dad on the phone and I overheard some interesting parts of the conversation. You see, I missed the baby shower for the wife of the cousin (remember, the scandalous wedding?) this afternoon and one of the aunts called my father-in-law to "check on me" which is really code for "she wanted to get dirt on why I wasn't there."

I did have an honest excuse. I had volunteered to sell and pack up the religious articles sale that my parish was having. I also had plans to decorate t-shirts with my best friend's daughter (these plans were canceled, but I didn't know until today at mass) and then I had a yoga workshop in the afternoon. I know that plans or not, I would not have attended. The majority of the family members know that I am a barren woman and why I miss many baby-oriented occasions.

I wish that I wasn't so angry. Mr. JB did explain to his dad that we did have plans. I also called to send my regrets and Mr. JB's uncle understood completely. It is a busy time of year and it isn't my freaking fault that they had to have a wedding shower, a wedding and a baby shower in such quick order!

I hate it that I was the object of discussion, and of course, gossip.

Mr. JB did tell his other cousin's wife that I wouldn't be going to the shower and she was in attendance. She tries her best to steer clear of the gossip, but it was her mother-in-law that tried to get the dirt on my absence.

I just want to be left alone. I don't want their pity and I definitely don't want to be fodder for their boring lives. I am not going to drop all of my plans so I can pretend that nothing is wrong and that I am really happy for the mother-to-be. I think that my not being there and LYING to everyone was the better way to go.

What do all of you think?

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Wicked was AMAZING!!!! Mr. JB didn't like the story (and I won't get into it here because I don't want to spoil it for anyone!), but I totally disagree with him. The music, performances, costumes, set, everything about the musical was fantastic! The company continues their tour at the end of the month and if it comes to your city you need to see it!!!

A Pain in the Neck

Literally.

I woke up yesterday morning unable to move my head. I went to bed with a tiny kink on the left side and when I woke up in the middle of the night I was in excruciating pain.

I taught all day and not one student noticed, even when I asked one of them to tie my shoe!

I was lucky to be able to see my chiropractor after school and she attached me to the IFC machine before she adjusted me which helped. I'm going back to see her on Monday so hopefully I have more mobility by then.

I saw Dr Nora again last Monday. She has me on a ton of new vitamins and supplements to help with my asthma and adrenal fatigue. We're heading into the city to see Wicked this after noon and I have to visit a couple of stores to get the other liquid herbs she wants me to take. Dr Nora is convinced that with this new regimen that I will be able to eat the food that I've been allergic to most of my life.

Now that would be awesome.

I'll post the details of this new phase of treatment later (it's too challenging to type the technical stuff on my iPhone!).

I don't know how this will affect my fertility, but I know that it isn't going to hurt it. I definitely have more energy and I feel good (despite the sore neck!!).

I just hope that I don't have to move my head too much while we're
watching the show.

Surgery That I'm Actually Excited About

And of course, it has nothing to do with fertility.

My insurance is finally covering laser eye surgery! I've worn glasses since the eighth grade and I cannot wait to be able to live without glasses! So when we visited my optometrist a couple of weeks ago I told him that I was ready. He has been trying to convince me to have the surgery done, but I couldn't justify spending so much money out of pocket for an unnecessary procedure.

Of course he is 100% in favour of the operation. He has referred me to a clinic that he also works for (he does their aftercare) and he also said that if the doctors there decide that I am not a good candidate (which he doubts, my prescription has been the stable for years) they will not recommend surgery. To top it off he also gave me a gift card for $400 off of the procedure!

My consultation is on December 2nd and I've asked my mom to go with me (she offered to pay for laser eye surgery when I got into teachers' college, but I told her that I needed money for rent and books more!). She loves to be in the caretaker role and Dr. Nora recommended that I get "taken care of."  I also asked her to take the time off to take care of me.

Apparently I have to sleep for about 24 hours after the procedure then I have to wear huge, dark glasses so that the natural light doesn't touch my new eyes.

I am so excited. I figure that my surgeon is going to suggest another surgery for my ladyparts so I will most likely have two operations in 2011! Woohoo! [yes, I am being sarcastic!]

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Thank you so much for your advice on my last post. The bleeding was very light for two days and I've seen none since Friday. I had no pain and I had no other symptoms. I'm going to see my Napro naturopath so hopefully she will give me some more insight. I'm going to have my Peak +7 blood work done (really, P+8, but the labs were closed today being Sunday). I know that Dr. Nora won't have the results, but hopefully it will tell Dr. T something.

Lastly, I am so glad that I will be F.emara-free for a couple of cycles. I've put on a bit of weight and I am not happy about it. I'm not a very big person (as those of you that have met me in person can attest to), and I've noticed that my pants are not fitting so comfortably. I know that weight gain is a side effect of Fe.mara, and that going off of it will dissipate the poundage.

Argh, gotta love IF!

Strange bleeding

I just woke up to the strangest thing, and I apologize for the TMI nature of this post.

It is Peak +3 and this morning when I visited the bathroom for my morning ablutions I saw that my underpants were covered in blood. Not enough to leak onto my pj's, but enough to be disturbing. When I wiped I saw only a tinge on the paper and I feel no pain. The only thing I noticed in bed was that I felt a bit of dampness, but I thought it was because I had to go to the bathroom.

I have had no strange bleeding in over a year so I am more than a bit shocked.

The only thing different that I did yesterday was get a massage and my RMT worked mainly on my back and jaw. I'm starting my post-Peak dose of Es.trace and HCG today.

Advice anyone?????

Selective Mute

I talk a lot.

All the time.

I was the loudest baby in the nursery (despite, my preemie status) and I talk ALL day at my job.

It is so strange to me that I feel like I have nothing to say here on my blog, although according to my archives, I've been quite prolific in 2010.

It's CD19 and I think that peak was yesterday. I've been a lackadaisical charter (sorry all of the practitioners out there!), but my body has followed the same pattern since my second surgery, so I don't pay as close attention as I used to. I've felt the pangs of guilt when I have a quick pee and I don't wipe before (sorry, TMI, but this is an IF blog and really, we are all very comfortable with talk about CM and the like).

I like to think of my nonchalance as a way to rebel and to take back control.

Yeah right.

I was thinking tonight while in the shower about something that Dr. Nora said to me at my appointment last week. While looking at my chart she noticed that Mr. JB and I only used our days of fertility and then afterwards there were no "marital relations." She basically ordered me to have sex with my husband.

She asked if I enjoyed the marital act and of course I responded yes, but it has become such a chore. Fertility-based sex is not fun and after "giving it our best shot" for the past five years I just want a freaking break after ovulation!

I miss the naivete that our early marriage had. I wish that I could not think about procreating every time I was with my husband, but I can't.

Oh Lord, do I need therapy or what????

I am so thankful that talking to Dr. Nora is like talking to a therapist! I honestly can't fit another health care practitioner in my schedule!

So friends, how has IF affected your lives in the bedroom? Do any of you have any tactics to help turn off the fertility brain?

All I know now is that I need to go to bed. The end of Daylight Savings Time has been a little hard on me and I'm pooped!

p.s. My new dose of H.yrdocort is helping, although I cheated on Saturday and tried 10mg in the morning and then 5mg at lunch and I was feeling so good. I was a bit late with my lunch time dose, so I took it at about 2pm and I was able to get through the rest of my day and a long wait at my GP's office with no problem. I don't think that 10mg is my sweet spot, but Dr. T is ever-cautious, so it'll have to wait until the new year until I can get more H.yrocort in me!

Comfortably Numb

No, I'm not a Pink Floyd fan at all. Their music actually creeps me out a bit. Before I give you all the lowdown about my two appointments today (yes, I know my readers are waiting with baited breath! [insert sarcastic tone here]) I saw Geddy Lee from Rush walking on the street! Mr. JB and I were so lost trying to find the Napro-trained naturopath I decided to find the office on foot. As I was madly trying to find the office I saw Mr. Lee and I believe that he was fiddling with his i.Pod. I wasn't about to ask for an autograph since I was in a mad rush (ha ha, rush!) since I was so late. That's the last time I take the stupid GPS's word for it!

I was about twenty minutes late for my appointment with Dr. Nora, but she was so great. It was wonderful to sit down with someone that spoke Napro. She went through my infertility history and she also asked some very interesting questions. It felt almost like a therapy session more than meeting with a naturopath! The most important thing that I gleaned from my appointment is that she thinks that my asthma and allergies have really affected my adrenals. I can't remember all of the details since she gave me a lot of information in an hour and a half. Basically she wants to strengthen my adrenals and she hopes that my chronically low progesterone and estrogen will be helped by that.

Another thing she wants me to do is have a smoothie every morning with flax and hemp seeds (with berries, plain yogurt and apple juice). She wants to boost my intake of Omega 3's which will help with my hormones as well. I'm going back to see her on the 15th and she said that she's got some research to do. She seemed very excited and she reassured me that I'm not old and that getting pg is a possibility.

Oh how I wish that I could believe that!

Mr. JB and I killed some time between appointments by going to my favourite shopping mall (I used to work there when I was in university). I finally found a winter jacket that is not only warm, but stylish. It's winter for six months up here, I need to look good while I'm trying to stay warm! If you're friends with me on FB, you can take a peek at it. :)

My appointment with my Napro doc, didn't go as well. It seems like my case has stumped her. My hormones are okay -- although Dr. Nora said that they're still low. My estrogen in September was 564 and my progesterone was 240. In October my estrogen was 420 and my progesterone was 98.4. She also re-tested my DHEAs and they were in range (5.9). The only thing that she was concerned about was my fasting insulin level. It's at 43 and she wants it at 30. I'm going to do another fasting insulin test that takes two hours, but that will have to wait until Christmas break. She said that if I'm insulin resistant that she will have to put me on M.etformin -- does anyone out there know anything about insulin resistance? I'm stumped.

Dr. T also wants me to take a break from F.emara and I am so relieved. I've been battling with headaches for the past month or so and I definitely thing it's hormone-related (well, there's the stress factor at school, but the headaches are worse when I take Fe.mara). She still wants to continue with the HCG and E.strace until I see her in January. She has also upped my dose of H.ydocort to 5mgs twice a day (5mg in the morning and 5mg at lunch). I hope that will do the trick, but something tells me that I will still need more than that, but we'll see if Dr. Nora can bump up my adrenals naturally with B and C vitamins.

Dr. T also suggested that we go back to the surgeon that did my laparotomy. I had a feeling that since we were coming to the one year anniversary of my period returning post-L.upron that another surgery was on the horizon. Dr. T isn't 100% sure, but she suspects that since my case of endometriosis was so severe that perhaps not everything was removed or that I may have adhesions. I know that after my pelvic abscess that the risk of adhesions was that much greater. We will have to see what Dr. I, the surgeon says. Mr. JB was pretty surprised that I took the news of possibly another surgery so lightly. I guess I hadn't mentioned to him that I have thought that another surgery was possible.

Is it strange that I'm not even worried about being cut open again?

Dr. T did put going to Omaha out as an option, but we told her that we wanted to save our money for adoption. I have to have faith in our health care system and I know that there is no way that we could go to the US AND adopt a baby. She understood 100% and said that it was great that we were considering adoption. She's an amazing doctor, I just wish that she had some other ideas of what we could do for my treatment.

Hormone Queen told me this morning about a Napro RE that she has seen, but Dr. T said that she isn't currently taking any new patients. She said that she will refer me to her, but it won't be until early 2011, at the earliest. I'm not holding my breath.

I was hoping to do some adoption research today, but we left our house at 10am to get to the naturopath and we didn't get home until after 6pm because I wanted to do some retail therapy after our fertility-focused day. I was very happy to get new winter boots that are pretty darn cute and I think they will be warm too!

Honest to Pete, being infertile is like a full time job!

I remember when I used to feel so hopeful after seeing Dr. T. I wish that I felt something other than numbness, but self-preservation comes in all forms. I sometimes wish that after my second surgery that the doctor said, "Sorry JellyBelly, but you can't have kids." But it's the hope that seeking out new treatments from new people and that perhaps my doctor will have found some amazing discovery that has me hoping that perhaps we've found the missing link. I used to love being an eternal optimist, but right now that hope is driving me a bit crazy.

Who would've ever thought that I would begrudge being hopeful? [sigh]

p.s. I got an invitation to the baby shower for the bride from the scandalous wedding.  I am certainly not going and thankfully I have a real excuse! I'm helping at the religious articles sale at our church and I have a yoga workshop that same day. So when I call with regrets I have two excuses and I won't even have to stretch the truth!

Wishing I Was More Excited

I'm going to see my Napro doc tomorrow.

In the past seeing her would fill me with a sense of excitement or at least anticipation.

I feel neither.

The only thing I want out of my appointment is a higher dosage of H.ydrocort. The 5mgs worked for a month and now I'm back to feeling tired.

I don't hope for better hormones, I don't know what else we can do with my treatment. I was going to ask my doctor to treat me like I'm hypothyroid, but I don't know if she'll do that since my thyroid is within range.

Before my Napro appointment I'm going to see a new naturopath who is also a Creighton Model practitioner. My current practitioner recommended her to me and I figured that it couldn't hurt. Perhaps she will have some insight.

I hope to do some more adoption research in between appointments and I want to send some emails to some other agencies since I only heard back from the one.

I feel so underwhelmed right now.

[sigh]