26 May 2008

Tagged! JB, the negligent

I just remembered that allyouwhohope tagged me a LONG time ago. I'm going to blame my negligence on the progesterone I was taking until last night. My body finally feels like it belongs to me again and I have the energy to function like a normal human being! Woohoo!

So here I go:

1. Why did you start your blog?
I started my blog because I couldn't face another year being barren. It's my outlet. Although I haven't been posting regularly (I'm blaming that on the end of the year madness) I always feel better after posting.

2. How did you come up with your blog name?
I just started typing and it sounded right. I really didn't put a lot of thought into it, but I think that, although it's wordy, it just fits.

3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think?
Nope and nope. Although I think that I'm going to have to tell my hubby since I'm taking the laptop on our European vacation so I can blog while away. My family is nuts and doesn't really know what we're IF (although if they could put two and two together they would figure it out! We're conservative Catholics so it's not like we've ever used birth control!).

I sometimes think that I'm going to "come out" via my blog, but I'm not courageous enough to do so just yet.

4. How do you write posts?
Whatever comes to mind and then I edit afterwards. I'm pretty good at putting my ideas onto computer screen really quickly -- I have to do everything quickly since I'm an elementary school teacher.

5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments?
Not yet, but I'm sure it will happen eventually...

6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic?
The way that I look at my life in the bloggosphere I like the randomness of finding other bloggers. I've found some good friends just by sheer luck and that's how I want to keep it. I think it's too much pressure to increase readership -- that would seem like too much of a job, and I have a job already. Blogging is supposed to be a positive outlet, and not a work-making activity.

So I'm not going to tag anyone. I always feel guilty when I tag people. So if you want to answer the questions, feel free, if not, it doesn't make a difference!

25 May 2008

Flipping the bird

I don't usually have a filthy mouth, but in the past (almost) three years of TTC my patience level is definitely on the low side. I was a very sheltered kid. I didn't know what the f word was until I was fourteen (I know, it's pretty unbelievable, but it's true). Every year for Lent I give up swearing and I find it very liberating to use other words to describe my frustration. Mr. JB and his priest brother have a very bad habit of swearing (It was the strangest thing to hear my BIL curse the first time, I honestly didn't think that clergy swore! Was I ever wrong!!).

I've been lying low since Mother's Day for a myriad of reasons. I've been crazy busy with school (not that I've been doing much work at at all) and by May I'm almost completely brain dead. Regardless of how many good hours of sleep that I get I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning (I'm usually a 7 hours and done type of girl, so I know that I'm low on motivation). It also hasn't helped that I've been taking progesterone for the past week and a half and it's absolutely drained me of any energy that I had.

Speaking of my progesterone protocol: we saw our NaproTechnology doctor on the 15th and she said that aside from my low progesterone levels in my luteal phase, I'm reproductively healthy. I'm ovulating (which I knew) in the middle of my cycle, my estrogen levels are good and my uterus is looking good. The only problem is that my progesterone level in my post-ovulatory period (or after my Peak Day for the Creighton model people out there) is 50% lower than it should be. When the doc told us this I was so relieved. I honestly thought that there was going to be something else wrong (I've had three years of imagining worst care scenarios), but my instincts were right.

What gets me is that I have told three doctors that my progesterone level was suspect. My GP brushed me off, the evil doctor at the first clinic said my levels were fine (one blood test is what he took, my current doc had TWO weeks of blood tests to base her findings) and my OB/Gyn said that it was all in my head.

So since my diagnosis I've been oscillating between absolute anger and self-satisfaction. My body has been telling me since we started TTC in July 2005 that my progesterone was off. All of the mid-cycle spotting and the crazy long periods (last month's lasted 14 days, honestly, I should've bought stock in OB!). I'm so glad that I've finally found a doctor that listens to me and actually has a conversation with me like I'm a person, not just a bunch of reproductive organs.

So since May 17th I've been taking progesterone orally. It's a lozenge that is supposed to taste like strawberry, but actually tastes like a bizarre chemical with a strawberry undertone. I dissolve one lozenge twice a day between my gums and cheek. It takes about thirty minutes to dissolve, but it's pretty painless. I've had some minor side effects: my boobs are sore, I'm exhausted and I have so little energy, and I was feeling a lot fewer PMS-related emotions. I took my last dose for this cycle this afternoon, so I'm hoping that I start to feel more like myself soon.

The new doc thinks that by September that we'll be ready to try to get pregnant. Initially I wanted to try again as soon as I started the progesterone, but with the new job I think that I would like to try to have the 14 month maternity leave (the infamous teacher-planned pregnancy -- conceive between October to December to ensure a summer baby so that we have the school year plus the summer off!). I didn't think that after all this time that I would want to put off having a baby, but I really want to finish the year with the new kiddies.

So here I am, feeling truly hopeful for the first time in our journey. I feel in control of my body and I am so happy that my biggest problem was my progesterone level. I see the doc again in August after our trip to France and Spain and I hope that all goes well until then.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I got my new job and not the others that I applied for because I was meant to teach grade one. I found this doctor that finally treated me with dignity and respect because I was meant to find her. This struggle has made me a stronger person and it has also brought me closer to Mr. JB. So really, it hasn't been all bad.

I am also meant to be a mom.

I promised myself that the moment I get my BFP I'm going to send the evil doctor a nice long letter telling him to go f*%^ himself.

I can't wait.

11 May 2008

And today's episode is brought to you by....

The letter B!

All week I've been feeling really hostile. I've been incredibly tired and grouchy which I'm going to blame on extreme end of the year exhaustion and not on PMS or just being crazy. It also didn't help that I got a yeast infection. Honestly, I believe that my lady parts are holding a revolt against me. I'm going to blame the invasion of the yeastie beasties on wearing the wrong type of underpants to yoga last week and I'm sticking to it. AND I've also done something to my IT band on my left side so I couldn't go to yoga yesterday or today.


But despite all of the anger and hostility the letter B does not stand for bitchy.

When we got home from church this morning Mr. JB's dad called to wish me Happy Mother's Day.


Well, really he left a message saying that he had to speak to Mr. JB and the Happy Mother's Day was just a tag-on at the end. He really wanted to mention that he had some gossip to share and that it was too cold to plant flowers at Mr. JB's mom's grave. I realize that at 71 he just wasn't thinking about what he was saying, but come on!

Even before our incredibly frustrating TTC journey Mother's Day has been bittersweet. My mother being the crazy lady that she is has always made the day difficult. It was always easier when I was in a totally different city or even better a totally different country and I could send her something and placate her. But now that I'm a homeowner in generally the same vicinity, I am obligated to play the dutiful daughter and invite her over to our house. Which is a total joke.

My issues with my crazy mother could fill volumes, but since her manipulation surrounding my birthday (see here if you're interested in the lowdown) is still really pissing me off. It took her until the end of March to come over to give me my birthday present (and it took digging in my heals and refusing to go to their house). My birthday is at the end of January. We live in the same city only a twenty minute drive away. She also went to visit my cousin's baby on my birthday instead of coming to see me. She also manipulated us into paying for her plane ticket to the Dominican Republic for her sixtieth birthday (she said that she found a ticket for $200, which then changed to $300 and then I just finally cut her a cheque for $500 just to shut her up). Well, she's decided that the tickets are just too expensive and that she's just going to buy a new mattress with the money we gave her. Yeah right.

So I'm tired of dealing with her and the fact that I still am not a mom is turning the knife just that little bit more.

There isn't a Happy You're Barren Day card. There isn't a special brunch that I can get taken to. Last time I checked there aren't any commercials that celebrate my empty uterus and childless life.

So this B is for me and for the rest of my sisters in struggle. I don't think that I'm ready to sport the B as my new spring fashion accessory, but I'm going to own it.

And hopefully, one day I will get a Mother's Day card and not just an awkward message from my well-meaning father-in-law.


5 May 2008

Rain on my parade

Since we starting TTC almost three years ago I feel like a lot in my life hasn't gone my way. I realize that a lot of this feeling has to do with optics and the feel-me-sorries, but I'm human and I feel like life has been kicking me in the butt. So when I got the job that I interviewed last week I was pretty pumped. I may not be able to make a baby, but I can get a job that I actually want! Woohoo for me!

I have also realized since TTC that people are very envious. I know that my dislike of teaching nemesis is that fact that she got pregnant almost instantly. I know that so many of my angry thoughts directed in her direction are all based in my jealously.

But at least I can recognize that.

I also know that I have very little patience for super-fertile women that complain about their bodies changing for the worst and their lack of sleep due to their little ones at home. I recognize that if I was also one of the sleep-deprived fertiles out there that I would be able to commiserate. Alas I am not.

One of my friends at school, let's call her StoryTopper, has been raining on my parade since I announced that I got the new position. She is also a French teacher and has been teaching the same thing for quite a long time. When the postings came out she expressed interest in applying, but she didn't. As soon as I started telling my colleagues that I got the position she said, "Well I should teach with you!" Which totally doesn't make sense since she didn't even apply. I also feel like every time that I say something she negates it with yet another story. I realize that she must have a really low self-esteem that she has to be the centre of attention at all times. I also realize that she must feel like she wouldn't have gotten the position to not even try and apply. At times I think that StoryTopper is my friend. We have fun together and I think that she's great. I also know that I don't need constant validation to feel good and appreciated. I know that I'm a good teacher and I know that my students are happy. I just want the opportunity to feel happy and proud of myself for just this once.

I really have to let this go if I can stand being around StoryTopper until the end of the school year. Thank God for the bloggosphere.