Flipping the bird

I don't usually have a filthy mouth, but in the past (almost) three years of TTC my patience level is definitely on the low side. I was a very sheltered kid. I didn't know what the f word was until I was fourteen (I know, it's pretty unbelievable, but it's true). Every year for Lent I give up swearing and I find it very liberating to use other words to describe my frustration. Mr. JB and his priest brother have a very bad habit of swearing (It was the strangest thing to hear my BIL curse the first time, I honestly didn't think that clergy swore! Was I ever wrong!!).

I've been lying low since Mother's Day for a myriad of reasons. I've been crazy busy with school (not that I've been doing much work at at all) and by May I'm almost completely brain dead. Regardless of how many good hours of sleep that I get I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning (I'm usually a 7 hours and done type of girl, so I know that I'm low on motivation). It also hasn't helped that I've been taking progesterone for the past week and a half and it's absolutely drained me of any energy that I had.

Speaking of my progesterone protocol: we saw our NaproTechnology doctor on the 15th and she said that aside from my low progesterone levels in my luteal phase, I'm reproductively healthy. I'm ovulating (which I knew) in the middle of my cycle, my estrogen levels are good and my uterus is looking good. The only problem is that my progesterone level in my post-ovulatory period (or after my Peak Day for the Creighton model people out there) is 50% lower than it should be. When the doc told us this I was so relieved. I honestly thought that there was going to be something else wrong (I've had three years of imagining worst care scenarios), but my instincts were right.

What gets me is that I have told three doctors that my progesterone level was suspect. My GP brushed me off, the evil doctor at the first clinic said my levels were fine (one blood test is what he took, my current doc had TWO weeks of blood tests to base her findings) and my OB/Gyn said that it was all in my head.

So since my diagnosis I've been oscillating between absolute anger and self-satisfaction. My body has been telling me since we started TTC in July 2005 that my progesterone was off. All of the mid-cycle spotting and the crazy long periods (last month's lasted 14 days, honestly, I should've bought stock in OB!). I'm so glad that I've finally found a doctor that listens to me and actually has a conversation with me like I'm a person, not just a bunch of reproductive organs.

So since May 17th I've been taking progesterone orally. It's a lozenge that is supposed to taste like strawberry, but actually tastes like a bizarre chemical with a strawberry undertone. I dissolve one lozenge twice a day between my gums and cheek. It takes about thirty minutes to dissolve, but it's pretty painless. I've had some minor side effects: my boobs are sore, I'm exhausted and I have so little energy, and I was feeling a lot fewer PMS-related emotions. I took my last dose for this cycle this afternoon, so I'm hoping that I start to feel more like myself soon.

The new doc thinks that by September that we'll be ready to try to get pregnant. Initially I wanted to try again as soon as I started the progesterone, but with the new job I think that I would like to try to have the 14 month maternity leave (the infamous teacher-planned pregnancy -- conceive between October to December to ensure a summer baby so that we have the school year plus the summer off!). I didn't think that after all this time that I would want to put off having a baby, but I really want to finish the year with the new kiddies.

So here I am, feeling truly hopeful for the first time in our journey. I feel in control of my body and I am so happy that my biggest problem was my progesterone level. I see the doc again in August after our trip to France and Spain and I hope that all goes well until then.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I got my new job and not the others that I applied for because I was meant to teach grade one. I found this doctor that finally treated me with dignity and respect because I was meant to find her. This struggle has made me a stronger person and it has also brought me closer to Mr. JB. So really, it hasn't been all bad.

I am also meant to be a mom.

I promised myself that the moment I get my BFP I'm going to send the evil doctor a nice long letter telling him to go f*%^ himself.

I can't wait.