8 November 2008

JellyBelly Self-doubt


I really hate teaching art. As a child I always dreaded the Friday afternoons spent painting, gluing, and crafting. I hated getting my hands dirty, splattering paint on myself and I really resented that I could never, ever make my project look like everyone else's.

As a grade one teacher I do a lot of art projects. This week we tackled poppies. My school is having a pretty huge assembly on Tuesday and apparently distinguished guests and media are going to be present. The primary wing of my school has been abuzz with activity all week. All of the grade one classes have been making tissue paper poppies -- basically they had to cut out a poppy template and then they had to fill the paper with red and black tissue paper balls. My class loves doing this type of art. We did pumpkins in the same style as well, but I left that for a supply teacher (I know, I'm evil!!!).

I always save art for the afternoon since the mornings seems to fly by, but by doing this I also save my most dreaded subject for the time of day where I have little patience. Yesterday, after a long week of fighting a cold and trying not to kill my teaching partner, I felt my patience reserve run out. I try very, very hard not to raise my voice at my class. I don't like yelling, I don't like hearing other people yelling, and I especially dislike people yelling at young children.

I have one student who has a really hard time with authority. She attended a Montessori school for junior and senior kindergarten and apparently had free reign to do whatever she wanted. So when she arrived in my conventional classroom where she had to sit in a circle and sit at a desk, she had a very hard time. Well yesterday afternoon little A started throwing rulers at her group members and when she was caught red-handed, she started to argue with me. When the look of death didn't work I ended up raising my voice, and I saw fear in her eyes.

Then I felt very guilty.

How can I even think of being a mom to my own kids (who no doubt will be just as willful) when I can't be patient with the children of others? What am I going to do when my child openly disobeys me?

A's mom looked completely exasperated when I told her about her antics at the end of the day. Lucky for me, her mother is completely aware of what her daughter is capable of and she isn't the type of mother that blames the teacher. Thank God I haven't encountered parents like that, yet.

I told my incredibly fertile best friend that I was thinking more and more about adoption and that biological children aren't the priority they used to be. Do I actually believe what I said, or was I just trying to help her feel less guilty about being able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat? Or was I just steeling myself for yet another month of disappointments?

I made a decision (yet to be shared with Mr. JB) that I'm giving my body until April 2009. It will be one year that we've been with our NaproTechnology doctor. I'm definitely tired of the drugs, doctors and charting. So often my body has felt like it doesn't even belong to me, and for my sanity that feeling has to stop.

Is this deadline the end of hope for me? I don't think so. But if I keep running around and around in this hamster wheel more than my patience will give. I'm sure of it.

7 comments:

  1. Oh how I know what you mean.

    And this post really gets at the heart of things ...

    From your posts, it sounds like you will be an AWESOME mother. And your time in the classroom with all sorts of young personalities really gives you a head-start in parenting!

    As for the deadline, I can also relate. How long must we be on this roller coaster until we decide enough is enough? Of course, we will never really stop "trying" - being open to life, doing it at our fertile times, etc ... But there is a difference between focusing on adoption and focusing all our energies on fertility treatments, charting, etc.

    There is one thing I have learned, though, and that is that our bodies really take time to be restored. Those who get pregnant with napro interventions don't normally conceive overnight, but statistically, their chances of conceiving are higher than most.

    I think it can be good to set deadlines, just so we know when it's time to change gears a bit, to give ourselves a break, etc.
    On the other hand, what happens when that deadline is approaching but we're not ready yet?

    Perhaps we need to be flexible with our deadlines, give ourselves the grace we need, and take heart that there is a plan for our families. God knows our children by name. That gives me so much comfort. Sometimes I just pray and pray that He will bring them to me in His timing, and help me to be patient until they arrive (whether through conception or adoption).

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  2. Don't worry - I have WAY less patience with other people's kids than I do with my own kid. WAY LESS. And I'm a nanny, so that might not be the best thing :)

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  3. I think it is human nature to want to set deadlines. It makes us feel like we have some sense of control over this whole thing. I can relate to being tired of it all, to thinking perhaps it would be better if we knew it was over, rather than the constant wondering and hoping. But then I remember that we can keep going, give up, set a deadline, whatever, and it doesn't really change God's plan for us. He knows when he is going to give us our babies, whether it is through adoption or pregnancy, and it may be a month after your deadline, or it might be two years after. As long as we are doing our best to follow what we believe to be his path - and that may mean plugging along with doctors or it may mean stopping treatment - then we know we are okay, which I'm sure you are!

    I also have to give you and all teachers a lot of credit, because your "lack of patience" is still way more than I could ever hope to have!! And that's why I didn't become a teacher :)

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  4. I can understand not having patience with other people's children. I don't have the patience with other people's children at all, and I often sometimes wonder the same thing. :)

    About napro. I am still in the "honeymoon" phase and time hasn't take its toll but I do have a thoughts about it because I lack preserverance. I think that peserverance is the true testament to Napro. I think that we say yes, it is tiring but we are committed to respecting all life along the way of trying to conceive it. We can take the easy way out, but I believe that is not God's way. My Priest tells me to pray for energy. :) I lack preserverance hence the gift of my infertility. Also, I think with Napro we are apart of something bigger. I want Napro to be just as well known as IVF. We are in need of a service that isn't wide spread. The more need the more wide spread it becomes. You are right infertility is a roller coaster, but at least we are respected when dealing with Napro. Just maybe we help Napro become the norm for every woman to experience. Blessings to you!!

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  5. I am freightened to bring children into this world and be a mother! The closer I get to answers the farther away I think I am ready to become a mother.

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  6. Your reaction was perfectly normal and to my way of thinking a perfectly maternal.

    We are only human, as parents we'll make mistakes. We'll be frustrated and lose patience. The important thing is to try and to learn from our mistakes.

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  7. I think that's a reasonable thing, to allow yourself time to try a treatment, and then move to another option to will help you reach your dream of parenting. It sounds like a good way to preserve your sanity and restore your heart.

    Oi, parents, even wonderful ones, lose their patience. How long would your average adult be able to resist yelling at ruler-flinging fibbers? Patience is a finite resource, and you were dealing with a tough nut. I bet in a month or two the kid will calm down, see you as an ally, and be heartbroken in May when you part ways. :)

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