When I started my blog in the early days of January, I had absolutely no foresight as to where it was going -- something that is totally unlike my type-A, planner-o-holic self. Perhaps I was hoping that I would miraculously find myself pregnant, or perhaps I thought that I would find solace or perhaps I would find answers as to why I could not get knocked up.
So six months later, I haven't succeeded in getting knocked up, although I have a much clearer idea as to why (stupid progesterone!), but I have found many wonderful women that have supportive me through, many, many low points. I have hit rock bottom more than once and felt that I was never, ever, going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I have gotten through it.
If it wasn't for my blog, I wouldn't have found my wonderful NaproTechnology doctor who has finally listened to me. From early on in my struggle to get pregnant I knew (from obsessively reading info on Google and taking every book out of the public library) that I had an issue with my progesterone levels. I had three different doctors tell me that there was nothing wrong with me and that unexplained infertility was a common diagnosis. I endured painful tests and the dildocam way too many times. I felt as though I was just a set of malfunctioning reproductive organs with no feelings or concerns or even opinions that counted. I know that it wasn't a coincidence that I came upon Blogger and yet another sister in struggle found me and gave me the information that I needed.
I do not believe in coincidences.
Although life has gotten in the way of regular posting, I always knew (and know) that as soon as I log into my account, that I had somewhere to go where people understood how hard it is to be barren. And thank God for that.
So on this, my fiftieth blog-niversary, I have found myself at a good place. Finally.
I know that am so lucky to have finally found an answer, and although the progesterone I good for eight days made me feel like a truck had run over me, I know that it is going to lead me to my baby. I didn't have to compromise my beliefs and personal ethics in order to get me closer to my goal.
Good things have happened, despite all of the cold and darkness: I got a new job (woohoo!), I've met wonderful, supportive friends that understand exactly what I'm going through, I've planned and booked an awesome European vacation for July. Most of all, I didn't drive a gigantic barren wedge between myself and Mr. JB. It's amazing what words on a website can do!
So as I wait for my NaproTechnology doc to give me the green light for optimal conception time (hopefully in time for a fourteen month maternity leave!), I'm going to have to find a new focus for my little space in the bloggosphere. So stay tuned for a much happier, positive space. I know that the next month is not going to be free of sadness. I know that leaving my very first school to move onto the next phase of my career is going to be difficult (I am dreading telling my students. I already had a breakdown when I read my job posting!). But as I look at the calendar I can count the number of days until summer vacation, and most of all, I can say, "Next month, I'm going to Europe!"
So gentle readers, perhaps I'm on my way to being less frustrated, perhaps not. I just hope that I have some help blowing out my fifty candles!