1 June 2008

And then there were fifty

When I started my blog in the early days of January, I had absolutely no foresight as to where it was going -- something that is totally unlike my type-A, planner-o-holic self. Perhaps I was hoping that I would miraculously find myself pregnant, or perhaps I thought that I would find solace or perhaps I would find answers as to why I could not get knocked up.

So six months later, I haven't succeeded in getting knocked up, although I have a much clearer idea as to why (stupid progesterone!), but I have found many wonderful women that have supportive me through, many, many low points. I have hit rock bottom more than once and felt that I was never, ever, going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I have gotten through it.

If it wasn't for my blog, I wouldn't have found my wonderful NaproTechnology doctor who has finally listened to me. From early on in my struggle to get pregnant I knew (from obsessively reading info on Google and taking every book out of the public library) that I had an issue with my progesterone levels. I had three different doctors tell me that there was nothing wrong with me and that unexplained infertility was a common diagnosis. I endured painful tests and the dildocam way too many times. I felt as though I was just a set of malfunctioning reproductive organs with no feelings or concerns or even opinions that counted. I know that it wasn't a coincidence that I came upon Blogger and yet another sister in struggle found me and gave me the information that I needed.

I do not believe in coincidences.

Although life has gotten in the way of regular posting, I always knew (and know) that as soon as I log into my account, that I had somewhere to go where people understood how hard it is to be barren. And thank God for that.

So on this, my fiftieth blog-niversary, I have found myself at a good place. Finally.

I know that am so lucky to have finally found an answer, and although the progesterone I good for eight days made me feel like a truck had run over me, I know that it is going to lead me to my baby. I didn't have to compromise my beliefs and personal ethics in order to get me closer to my goal.

Good things have happened, despite all of the cold and darkness: I got a new job (woohoo!), I've met wonderful, supportive friends that understand exactly what I'm going through, I've planned and booked an awesome European vacation for July. Most of all, I didn't drive a gigantic barren wedge between myself and Mr. JB. It's amazing what words on a website can do!

So as I wait for my NaproTechnology doc to give me the green light for optimal conception time (hopefully in time for a fourteen month maternity leave!), I'm going to have to find a new focus for my little space in the bloggosphere. So stay tuned for a much happier, positive space. I know that the next month is not going to be free of sadness. I know that leaving my very first school to move onto the next phase of my career is going to be difficult (I am dreading telling my students. I already had a breakdown when I read my job posting!). But as I look at the calendar I can count the number of days until summer vacation, and most of all, I can say, "Next month, I'm going to Europe!"

So gentle readers, perhaps I'm on my way to being less frustrated, perhaps not. I just hope that I have some help blowing out my fifty candles!


  1. I found your blog...and I too am a teacher...I am 40 and have tried to get pregnant for 5 years now. 3 unsuccessful AI's and now we are adopting....I will pray that all goes well for you.....

  2. 50 posts! I am glad I met you along the way!

    Your positive attitude is almost catching. :)

  3. Good for you and your 50 posts :) While I haven't read them all, I have a general knowledge of what you've been through while TTC... I just KNOW you will find peace and happiness in God's will for you.

    Congrats on your 50th, and I look forward to reading more... hopefully soon you'll be blogging about morning sickness!

  4. It's really great that you figured out about the progesterone, finally, it must feel good to know that you're actively working towards being pregnant! I'm glad I found you too!

  5. Good for you! Positive or not, reading your words is wonderful.

  6. Happy 50th!

    You and I have a lot in common ... changing careers (and I'm a teacher too)...I find that finally getting a diagnosis made a huge difference...

    I too have found the tiniest bit of peace...and dare I say it, positive thoughts -- whatever comes next...