22 April 2008

White flag

I think that I've hit rock bottom.

I know that today's all day crying fit wasn't the first, and I'm certain, not the last, but I feel absolutely horrible.

Mr. JB and I decided to take a mental health day together. In almost three years of marriage we have never taken a day off just to do nothing. He's taken me to many appointments, IF and otherwise. He's dutifully held my hand and supported me throughout all of my health issues. Unfortunately, in my already weakened state I totally went nutso on him.

One of the reasons why we decided that it would be a good idea to play hooky together was that he had to bring another semen sample to the lab. Since we're using the FertilityCare method we were given a Male Factor Pak to collect the sample. Basically, it's a condom that we have to poke holes into before we got down to business (yes, even for a cradle Catholic, the whole process just seemed a little ridiculous). Then after doing in the deed the sample is deposited into a specimen jar and then taken to the lab.

Mr. JB is not very good at doing new or unfamiliar things. He tried to convince me that our new doc didn't provide him with any instructions on how to use the new sperm collection condom. He kept on hemming and hawing about how difficult it was and that he couldn't believe that it was so complicated, even though I knew that we were given a detailled list of what to do.

And then I lost it on him.

I took his hesitation as a total slight to what has already been done to my body. Blood tests (which are very difficult for me since I am petrified of needles), internal ultrasounds (with heartless technicians), a saline sonohysterogram, an HSG, plus all of the crazy procedures I've had to go through for my colitis. At one point I was so angry that I was trying to find things to throw at him, but I was too worried that I would break something that I really liked so I hid in the walk-in closet.

I spent the rest of the day in bed in my pj's and alternating between crying and extreme anger. I'm very lucky that my husband is an even keeled guy, because I was an absolute demon.

I remember that when I had my breakdown in university that I felt so much better when I finally admitted that I was in trouble. I also remember that as a kid when I fessed up about doing a naughty thing I felt relief. So hopefully admitting that I am so absolutely sad and frustrated will make this better.

In the meantime I'm going to sit here and wave my white flag.

I surrender to you stupid infertility.


  1. Oh hon, we've all had the white flag moments. I'm sorry that all of your bodily sacrifices - and that's what they are - weren't given the proper respect. That's so frustrating.

    I think you will begin to feel better. Once all of those feelings come out, it does get better. Unfortunately, you have to go through the process of getting there.

    Many hugs to you.

  2. Sometimes, giving in is the fastest way through. So you've lost the battle, but the war's not over yet, jbelly! You've been trying to keep it together by yourself, when he has to be there as your support and helpmate in this. This is your problem together.

    It's really difficult to get guys to understand just how uncomfortable and painful the process is for us gals, who regardless of the diagnosis bear the brunt of treatment. He takes you to your appts, but does he come into the exam room? My guy had a lot more respect for me after he saw the kind of stuff that happens on a regular basis.

    Or your bad day might have gotten the message across...

  3. Sorry to hear of your crap day. Just know you're not alone, and if my husband complained about giving his sample I would probably through things at him too. Thankfully he dutifully goes to the little room and does his thing.

    IT's important to break down sometimes, the only way to get back up is to actually fall down.

  4. I'm so sorry! I have days like this at least once a month (and spend the rest of the time trying not to break down). Hope you are feeling better now.

  5. I know what those days are like. I hope you don't have to know what anymore are like. If you want/need to talk to someone who gets it, you know where to find me.

  6. Im so sorry for the deep blue...waving that white flag can be so hard sometimes--even harder than actually being blue. It also tough having to add the emotions of our spouses/partners into the mix...
    Just wanted you to know Im thinking of you-

  7. I'm so sorry about this...my husband has been this way before, and I really could've written this post.

    Women really do have to go through hell and it really is unfair, and when all they have to do is come in a sterile condom/cup/etc. and they balk? I lose it....seriously.

  8. JellyBelly, I am so sad for you, and I wish I could give you a big hug. It's so unfair, and so exhausting, what IF does to us. I like Shinejil's view-- lose the battle and let yourself be as you are, let it all out. But that's not the war, and you'll be strong and ready for the next steps. Please hang in there, you have friends here thinking of you.

  9. thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. i've gotten up to fight the next round and i'm glad that i have all of you in my corner cheering me on! :)