I think that I've hit rock bottom.
I know that today's all day crying fit wasn't the first, and I'm certain, not the last, but I feel absolutely horrible.
Mr. JB and I decided to take a mental health day together. In almost three years of marriage we have never taken a day off just to do nothing. He's taken me to many appointments, IF and otherwise. He's dutifully held my hand and supported me throughout all of my health issues. Unfortunately, in my already weakened state I totally went nutso on him.
One of the reasons why we decided that it would be a good idea to play hooky together was that he had to bring another semen sample to the lab. Since we're using the FertilityCare method we were given a Male Factor Pak to collect the sample. Basically, it's a condom that we have to poke holes into before we got down to business (yes, even for a cradle Catholic, the whole process just seemed a little ridiculous). Then after doing in the deed the sample is deposited into a specimen jar and then taken to the lab.
Mr. JB is not very good at doing new or unfamiliar things. He tried to convince me that our new doc didn't provide him with any instructions on how to use the new sperm collection condom. He kept on hemming and hawing about how difficult it was and that he couldn't believe that it was so complicated, even though I knew that we were given a detailled list of what to do.
And then I lost it on him.
I took his hesitation as a total slight to what has already been done to my body. Blood tests (which are very difficult for me since I am petrified of needles), internal ultrasounds (with heartless technicians), a saline sonohysterogram, an HSG, plus all of the crazy procedures I've had to go through for my colitis. At one point I was so angry that I was trying to find things to throw at him, but I was too worried that I would break something that I really liked so I hid in the walk-in closet.
I spent the rest of the day in bed in my pj's and alternating between crying and extreme anger. I'm very lucky that my husband is an even keeled guy, because I was an absolute demon.
I remember that when I had my breakdown in university that I felt so much better when I finally admitted that I was in trouble. I also remember that as a kid when I fessed up about doing a naughty thing I felt relief. So hopefully admitting that I am so absolutely sad and frustrated will make this better.
In the meantime I'm going to sit here and wave my white flag.
I surrender to you stupid infertility.