Last week's meltdown seems like it was a lifetime ago. It helps that it seems like spring is actually here to stay. My little tree in the backyard is budding and my lavender plants are happily growing in my front garden. I obliterated a huge population of ants with some strategically placed cloves, despite Mr. JB wanting to get some mean chemicals to get rid of them. And I also booked our hotels for the rest of our trip to France and Spain (two of them are on the water -- woohoo!!!).
I know that a big part of my meltdown was the daily reminder of my barrenness. My new doc needed to get a hormonal profile in order to figure out our next course of action. I had to get blood drawn daily for over a week coupled with internal ultrasounds until three days after ovulation. Then I had to go for blood tests every other day until I got my period. Mr. JB couldn't believe his ears when I told him that I was happy that Aunt Flo arrived yesterday morning.
I spend so much of my time filling up the minutes so I don't have to think of my baby-lessness. It was tough having to go to the ultrasound clinic every morning before work and having to pretend that I hadn't been violated by the dildo-cam.
The clincher was having to teach my class about reproduction and reading the page on how babies were made. The textbook makes it sound so simple: 1) A man and woman get married; 2) The husband and wife show their love for one another by having sexual intercourse; 3) The wife gets pregnant. The textbook doesn't mention anything about women with unexplained infertility and the possibility of low progesterone. The textbook also doesn't mention how the inability to make a baby could drive someone almost crazy. But like any other good teacher, I slogged through the readings and my students questions. Thank God they're only ten years old and that they were too embarrassed to ask any tough questions! Although one kid asked how the egg and sperm got together in the first place to make the baby (poor kid, he told me that he had the talk with his dad, but apparently he missed that part!).
So I'm back to focusing on the positives in my life.
I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon for a grade one French Immersion pilot program that my school board is starting in September 2008. I'm qualified to teach it and I've always wanted to teach younger kids. I've interviewed for two jobs in the past two years and I haven't gotten either one, but I actually want this job. I applied to the first two jobs I wanted out of my school.
I did my first Ashtanga Primary Series class yesterday. It was two hours of yoga with a lot of sweating and I'm quite sore today. But I did it. And although I felt like a lump of over-cooked spaghetti at the end of the class I felt so proud of myself. I know that I'm going back for more next Sunday!
I also decided that suffering was a choice. I'm not going to torture myself with what I don't have. I'm lucky that I've found a doctor that listens to me and a husband that tries to understand me, and despite the fact that it is taking a lot longer than I thought it would, everything is happening for a reason.
Just like my favourite yoga teacher has said time and time again, "Don't focus on the discomfort, but focus on how you are going to get yourself through it."
I wonder if he knows how wise he is.