20 April 2008

Seeing the finish line

I honestly thought that the end of my course (which I think I got an A in, btw) would bring me some sort of relief. I also thought that finishing report cards and parent-teacher interviews, without throwing something at some of the stupid parents that I asked to see me, would make me feel victorious. I even booked our plane tickets for our vacation to France in Spain in July.

Alas, all of this goodness has just brought me more dread.

I don't know if it was the incredibly long and cold winter that most of Canada experienced. Or the fact that I'm just so sick of some of my students (one of which is going to be the fodder for a future post because he is driving me so crazy) and that I'm already counting down to the end of the year. Perhaps it's just sheer exhaustion from my perpetually long to-do list.

Or am I just sick being inexplicably infertile?

If I was a gambler I would definitely put my money on the last option.

I spent the last week getting daily blood tests and internal ultrasounds to give the new doc a baseline to work with. Although all of the technicians were very gentle and friendly, I couldn't help but feel sad at the injustice of not having a clear diagnosis. It also doesn't help that my nemesis on staff is getting larger by the minute and reminding anyone within earshot that she's going on maternity leave very soon.

I never thought that I would envy people with a clear IF diagnosis. Would I feel better if I had a doctor tell myself or Mr. JB that we had PCOS, endo, blocked tubes, or male factor? Would it be better for my sanity if I could just go to a regular infertility clinic instead of trying my eastern medicine combined with NaproTechnology approach to conventional IF treatment? Or would I be able to live with my infertile self if I could just give up my dream of being a mom?

I guess that it doesn't help that my immune system seems to have gone on strike and that I've been so ridiculously busy that I haven't had a moment of silence to get my head together. It also doesn't help that pregnant women and newborns seem to be circling me like vultures.

So I think that my best course of action is to lie low. I'm going to pretend now that the daily visits with the dildo cam are done for this month that I don't belong to the silent club of infertiles. Instead I'm going to admire the leaves that are budding on the tree in the backyard and go for long walks with Mr. JB and do a zillion sun salutations.

I hope that a mental break from IF is the cure for what ails me.

P.S. I called the evil clinic and gave them my Visa number and they sent my records to the new doc. Assholes.


  1. Thanks for getting back to me.
    As for being undiagnosed, must be hard to not know exactly what you're up against, I could not imagine how annoying and fustrating that would be.
    I'm on the opposite end of the scale, where the reasons for not getting pregnant keep getting longer, even at that, I want to be tested for more little things that may not be seen, is it immunological stuff etc, so I could only imagine how many different things you have looked at.
    Totally sucks.
    Hope the school year ends soon.

  2. Yeah, the diagnosis/no diagnosis is a damed if you do, damned if you don't scenario of sorts. What's been helping me lately, JB, is knowing that my condition is random. That I just happened to get the shit end of the reproductive stick (instead of the shit end of some other stick--and there's always a shit end in there somewhere). I really hope that the process you're involved in with your new clinic presents you with some good options.

    Somehow, disassociating my conscious self from my body's abilities or inability to conceive makes me feel better. Like digestion or elimination, it's just completely out of my conscious control.

    But it's hard to get the mind to yield. We are hardwired to solve problems, after all.

    Any cool new challenges you've been longing to try your hand at? Something fun you've been dreaming of doing but keep putting off?

    Good job on the class! Spring is on its way, followed by summer...

  3. I don't know how I would handle an unexplained diagnosis. It is so much easier knowing all of our problems, even if there are a few.

    Keep hanging in there!