Twelve boxes

So I'm done. I've packed up my classroom. All of the posters have been packed away and the only thing left on my desk is a couple of pencils and my planning binder. Six years of teaching at my school is now tucked into a storage room until my new classroom is ready for me in August.

I spoke to one of the moms in my class this afternoon. Whenever I get messages from parents in my mailbox I always feel dread. You see, my parents are VERY involved. I get calls for everything. Notes almost every day. Surprise visits are normal. So this afternoon when I saw the green message in my box I felt dread. But as a good, responsible teacher I mustered up the energy to phone.

Little E's mom was concerned that her son wanted to return to his home school. She wanted to know if there had been anything going on in the class. Maybe it was the other kids or someone was bothering him. Then I asked, "Could it be because I'm leaving?" And then she said that she didn't want to come out and say it, but she definitely thought it was.

And then I felt my heart break.

Little E is a great kid. Super energetic, smart, funny, but would drive most teachers crazy. I've managed his boisterous behaviour by making him the kid that collects anything and everything. He delivers messages around the school for me. He gets to stamp my tests and pile things in order for me. He has sat at the front of the room for most of the year, right in front of my main work table. I've joked time and time again that he's going to spend the rest of his life in grade five since he can't sit still and pay attention and he thinks that it's hilarious. We banter about our opposing hockey teams (Mr. JB has brought so much sports knowledge in my life! I totally have street cred with the boys!). And because he likes me (well, his mom has mentioned more than once that she's convinced that he has a crush on me -- how cute!) he listens to me and knows when he's gone too far.

I don't regret my decision to apply for the job that I got. And as I've tried to explain to a room of ten year olds: if I didn't apply for the job I would regret it for the rest of my life. I've tried to explain to them that after six years of doing the same thing I was getting so bored. All of this makes sense to adults, but to kids I'm just leaving.

I really hope that the next two days aren't going to be too painful. I know that the school will be presenting me with my going away gift at an assembly tomorrow afternoon so hopefully I won't dissolve into tears in front of 400 kids.

I'm not good at saying goodbye and I'm definitely not good with change, but I guess I have no choice since I'm definitely not going to unpack all of those boxes.

More questions

So I was right. Mr. JB and I visited my Napro doctor on Friday (who only has walk-in hours in the summer, thus we had a THREE AND A HALF hour wait) and she has given me yet another diagnosis. When we saw her in May she suspected that my 14 day periods were being caused by low progesterone and perhaps a uterine bacteria. Well, the results came in positive. I have ureaplasma (which sounds kinda gross) and she's also decided that she is going to treat me for an endometrial infection although she doesn't want to do a biopsy.

So here I am, with more pills to take. Since I've always been pretty sickly I've had a laundry list of meds. So this is what I have to take to keep me going:

1) Prenatal vitamins
2) 5 mg of Folic Acid (not only am I prevent neural tube defects for my future children, it also helps with Colitis)
3) Sublingual B12 (which apparently helps with the absorption of Folic Acid)
4) An Omega supplement
5) Flovent (for asthma)
6)Flonase (for allergies)
7) Imuran (to treat my Colitis)
8) Singulair (for asthma)
9) Metamucil (for Colitis)
10) Progesterone (in troche form from Peak +3 to +12)

And for the next ten days I'm on 500mg of Clarithromycin and 500mg of Metronidazole as well as some Acidophilis in hopes of not getting a yeast infection (cross your fingers!).

Now, it doesn't always bother me that I have to take so many meds. It's part of my daily routine. Mr. JB even doles out my nighttime pill regimen before we go to bed. But I've been particularly down about having to take antibiotics. Besides being blessed with a body that doesn't work, I also have numerous allergies, including those to various antibiotics. I've been taken to the emergency ward more than once because of adverse reactions to medications. Although I'm free and clear with the new meds, I'm suffering from all of the side effects. I've had a headache, a metallic taste in my mouth, dizziness, and nausea since Friday night -- which is not as bad as hives, cold sweats and delirium (my reaction to sulfa).

Really, I should be happy that my doctor has found something that is treatable that doesn't require invasive surgery. Taking pills is something that I'm used to doing. I'm also glad that my doctor is vigilant about my treatment and that she doesn't want to subject me to painful surgeries. She's also very thoughtful: she decided that since we're travelling most of next month that she's going to start me on my month-long antibiotic run when we return from Europe (which is going to treat the ureaplasma).

But even though I am a rational woman, I'm also frustrated.

I know that it's the end of year and that I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm also very emotional since I'm leaving my school and starting something unfamiliar. So having more meds to take, just seems that much more daunting. I'm also waiting for my teaching partner to finish her portion of our report cards (which are TEN DAYS late at this point, WTF?????) which means that I feel like I can't relax although I've been done since Tuesday.

But like any good soldier in the IF world, I've got to struggle forward and hope that this treatment will bring me that much closer to a baby.

Right?

Spinning my wheels

Although I'm so glad that school is going to be done on the 26th I always feel strangely stressed out at this time of year. I guess this year end is bringing the sadness of leaving my school and my students as well as a move (that hopefully won't be too painful) to an unfamiliar situation, so I think that I have an excuse.

I broke the news to my class that I was leaving this morning and I ended up with kids breaking down and crying for most of the morning. One girl started and then they all seemed to start. I tried to explain to them that it was a good opportunity, but it's hard to reason with ten year olds. You see, I usually teach my class for two years in a row. In our Middle Immersion program that starts in grade five I teach the 5's in the morning and the 6's in the afternoon. The sixes didn't react too badly since I wasn't going to be their teacher anyway. I'm very proud of myself that I didn't cry along with the kiddies (something that I've done more than once), but I guess I should feel good that they were so upset. I really hope that they're nice to the new teacher....

So not only am I procrastinating -- I'm almost finished my report cards, but I just can't seem to compel myself to finish them! -- I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm feeling better with this round of progesterone troches (which I'm definitely getting in a different flavour next month, the "strawberry" flavouring is not tasty at all), but now I'm spotting again. I'm at Peak +9 today (I think 10 DPO, if I have my lingo right) and I was told that the progesterone would make my cycles longer. Alas, two months of progesterone and nothing has changed. Does anyone have any advice? I'm going to see my doc on Friday and hopefully she will have some advice, but I'm also scared that she's going to put me on antibiotics for a uterine infection (when I saw her in May she did a Pap test and my cervix started to bleed and she suspects that I have an infection, although I can't remember what it's called!). I'm just hoping that if I do have to take antibiotics that she can find one that I'm not allergic to since I'm allergic to all of the major ones.

I can't wait until July 11th. I am in serious need of a vacation!
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Update: I just finished my report cards. Let's hope that my teaching partner finds some giddy up so she's done before Friday!!!! AND I also figured our GoogleReader. I think that I've found a way to read my favourite blogs at school! Woohoo!

Suprisingly sad

I'm married to a political junkie, and I married into a family that loves to discuss politics, especially American. So needless to say, I'm quite saddened that Tim Russert has passed away so suddenly.

Mr. JB gets up early every Sunday morning and watches his show Meet the Press religiously before mass every Sunday. He missed last Sunday's episode because he was away with the boys and he watched the podcast so he didn't miss anything. I would have to say that Mr. JB and his brother are his biggest fans (apparently my BIL started to cry when he called Mr. JB with the news). Although I'm already supersaturated with the current presidential campaign, I really enjoyed watching Tim on TV, which says a lot since I tried to avoid watching too much.

It's so sad when someone so talented and dedicated to his work passes away so suddenly.

God bless you Mr. Russert, you will be missed.

Filling time

So now that I know that it won't be all systems go for serious baby-making until the early fall, I've had fun finding things to do.

Now that summer has finally hit (it's been 33 degrees with humidity for three days) and I'm counting down until the end of the school year, I'm feeling pretty good. I've gotten all of my summer clothes out and have put away all of the lined wooly pants. I haven't worn socks in over two weeks AND my eco-grass is finally sprouting. I may even get around to planting flowers to keep my perennials company.

My favourite thing about the summer is our local dragon boat festival. I've always loved rowing, or paddling as the die-hards call it. Being on the water is my favourite thing in the world. Although I love yoga and it is an absolutely necessity to keep me sane, there is nothing like the joy that I feel when I'm paddling. We had our first practice with my team last week and we had our second and final practice yesterday. My muscles are quite sore, but I can't wait until the race on the 15th. Last year my team won a gold medal -- my first ever! If we ever won the lottery one of my first purchases would be my very own kayak, but I think that I'm going to have to settle for my own life jacket this year!

So I'm feeling at peace, for the first time since TTC. And I like it.

Let's hope that it lasts.

And then there were fifty

When I started my blog in the early days of January, I had absolutely no foresight as to where it was going -- something that is totally unlike my type-A, planner-o-holic self. Perhaps I was hoping that I would miraculously find myself pregnant, or perhaps I thought that I would find solace or perhaps I would find answers as to why I could not get knocked up.

So six months later, I haven't succeeded in getting knocked up, although I have a much clearer idea as to why (stupid progesterone!), but I have found many wonderful women that have supportive me through, many, many low points. I have hit rock bottom more than once and felt that I was never, ever, going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I have gotten through it.

If it wasn't for my blog, I wouldn't have found my wonderful NaproTechnology doctor who has finally listened to me. From early on in my struggle to get pregnant I knew (from obsessively reading info on Google and taking every book out of the public library) that I had an issue with my progesterone levels. I had three different doctors tell me that there was nothing wrong with me and that unexplained infertility was a common diagnosis. I endured painful tests and the dildocam way too many times. I felt as though I was just a set of malfunctioning reproductive organs with no feelings or concerns or even opinions that counted. I know that it wasn't a coincidence that I came upon Blogger and yet another sister in struggle found me and gave me the information that I needed.

I do not believe in coincidences.

Although life has gotten in the way of regular posting, I always knew (and know) that as soon as I log into my account, that I had somewhere to go where people understood how hard it is to be barren. And thank God for that.

So on this, my fiftieth blog-niversary, I have found myself at a good place. Finally.

I know that am so lucky to have finally found an answer, and although the progesterone I good for eight days made me feel like a truck had run over me, I know that it is going to lead me to my baby. I didn't have to compromise my beliefs and personal ethics in order to get me closer to my goal.

Good things have happened, despite all of the cold and darkness: I got a new job (woohoo!), I've met wonderful, supportive friends that understand exactly what I'm going through, I've planned and booked an awesome European vacation for July. Most of all, I didn't drive a gigantic barren wedge between myself and Mr. JB. It's amazing what words on a website can do!

So as I wait for my NaproTechnology doc to give me the green light for optimal conception time (hopefully in time for a fourteen month maternity leave!), I'm going to have to find a new focus for my little space in the bloggosphere. So stay tuned for a much happier, positive space. I know that the next month is not going to be free of sadness. I know that leaving my very first school to move onto the next phase of my career is going to be difficult (I am dreading telling my students. I already had a breakdown when I read my job posting!). But as I look at the calendar I can count the number of days until summer vacation, and most of all, I can say, "Next month, I'm going to Europe!"

So gentle readers, perhaps I'm on my way to being less frustrated, perhaps not. I just hope that I have some help blowing out my fifty candles!